Things were going so well.

[Phineas 808]

I am going to work on a lot of things while I am in the UK. Hopefully come back a much better person since the last few years I feel like I have lost my identity as a person.

Definitely! This troublesome addiction is only a small part of who you are. It's imposed itself, so to speak, on your marriage in a big way, but in the overall story of your life, it has but a small part.

Healthy to see yourself as separate from this habit.

 

[Dangermouse]

So today has been a bit of a emotional day for me, for reasons unknown I had a horrible breakdown of guilt, sadness and memories. I had a therapy session and it was very deep. I am still processing it myself but I will be writing more about it very soon.

 

[GBS]

Hi @Dangermouse - I know extremely well what it is to feel judged. We all judge, right? It’s what human beings, luckily, are capable of. I realise you possibly meant something more sinister. I, too, know what that is like. We have to suck it up. We have to prove we are good men now. It is hard but eventually when we have supplied the evidence it won’t be so easy to be judged in a harsh way. That’s what lies ahead. You, mate, can do it.

The UK, where I love, looks forward to your arrival!

 

[Dangermouse]

Well today I actually got to talk and have dialect with my wife but after some hours we began to get more and more frustrated which ended in a huge arguement, she decided to leave to her parents leaving me alone at home.

I finally got my ticket to the UK with some nervousness but hey it is done now. So be heading there on the 20th April. I need to be able to work on myself and get some support from my own family. I feel at the moment I cannot work on myself with so much negative energies around.

 

[Dangermouse]

Well something good happened and then a big negative bringing myself and partner closer. I have a friend visiting from the UK and he has been very helpful to talk to. After talking with him I feel so much carmer which is huge relief and my wife has noticed as well, still having no urges or obtrusive thoughts about this crap. We actual to be intimate and spoke so openly about everything, but like our life one positive things suddenly gets taken over by a negative things where her uncle gets rushed to hospital and now needs a surgery. Strangely enough these situations happen a lot and we always seem to get supportive and start to work as a team to solve external problems. Anyway for some days things have been good between us and that is exactly what I hoped, I will be travelling to the UK this Saturday to work a lot more on myself with my family and I am going to be a stronger, more confident person which no stupid baggage like addiction.

 

[Dangermouse]

Hey all, sorry for not writing, have been in the UK for the past week visiting family, extremely busy settling and working on myself a little and in my business. Been feeling good in myself after finally getting to talk to my family a little about what is going on in my life, good news I have there full support, have not been having any urges or temptations for any of the stupid shit I was into for many months. The only negative is that for some weeks I believed myself and my wife where getting somewhere in our relationship but for some reason she decided yesterday to tell me that she is finding it very hard to trust anything I say or am doing to better myself. I really want to kill the old version of me and begin the new version of me, the one that overcomes this crap and believes in himself, loves himself, and can be someone proud of. But after my wife's message to be it kind of knocked me back in my own self confidence. I just feel very empty again and knowing she has this huge distrust in me breaks my heart.

 

[Dangermouse]

Well, been really busy with work and to be honest I have not even been interested in porn, sexual content, nothing at all which I find very refreshing. I was slowly talking with my wife but once again she has gone on a rampage and just do not want to accept that I am working hard on myself as well as my addictions, we have not spoken in some days and I discovered she has blocked me, which is very upsetting as I could really do with some support from the person I love and care about the most. It makes me feel like what is the point. I am just doing this for myself to be better and for me to love in myself. I do not know what to do regarding the blocking of me, I have other way to contact her but I feel maybe getting giving her space would be best, the problem is that she will probably feel I am not interested in this marriage anymore which could not be further from the truth.

 

[Dangermouse]

Still all quiet, my wife will not even talk to me after I went back to UK to get family support, this has made me extremely depressed. I feel my marriage has ended, I can to UK to better myself and instead I feel it has created the end. I have been clean for months and have been wanting to become a better version of myself after all the hurt I caused with my addictions. I am looking for a good therapist in the UK as I feel myself breaking mentally with all that has happened, it was supposed to be a happier time in the UK. WTF???

 

[Dangermouse]

So being in UK has not gone to plan of late, been trying to get some work done on myself and never seem to be able to. Either working to much or helping others. I really hope I can work on my own shit. Lately I have been focused and with no urges or craving, problem is my wife always seems to be looking for problem or even making problems when I know for certain nothing is wrong or happening. I feel she prefers to be away from me and make excuses to stay away.

 

[new reality]

I have to ask for an opinion, what do you guys think of blockers? To stop certain searches, I have been clean but I was reading about these types of things and wanted to know what you all thought.

Another thing I am wondering about to an Accountability Partner, does anyone have or take advantage of these methods of help?

I posted this on my journal a while back:

"Blockers. If you want to block some sites on your Windows computer, ColdTurkey isn't a bad choice. Don't bother paying for it and just get the free version (based on my anecdotal experience).

On my Android phone I've gone for BlockSite. I'm reasonably happy with it overall. This isn't a "proper" review in a sense for various reasons. I currently have it set up with a password lock. I'm not sure if this is completely reliable. I did this before and it's possible that sooner or later it just stopped looking for a password. Or maybe I unlocked it deliberately (my method is to write the unmemorable password on a bit of paper and hide it somewhere awkward). It's better than nothing anyway (I think, I'm honestly not sure yet lol), and I'm paying money for it, but it was pretty cheap at the sale price (if you're buying it, quickly agree to any good looking sale offer, or you might have to contact them to get the offer again etc.)"

BlockSite seems more stable on my phone now. I also have an Android tablet, which is a few years old. BlockSite works on that too, but I think if I turn it off and on, I have to go back into Settings and enable it again, or something along those lines. Plus I have other Linux-based devices (being a bit "nerdy" can be an issue if you're trying to use blockers). Another thing I've done recently is log in to my router via a web browser and set parental controls to block a couple of sites. The "hosts file" trick is another thing you can do on Windows and Linux and probably Macs as well. So in my experience, blockers can be helpful once you've got them set up, but they're not a silver bullet or anything I don't think. A useful tool though, perhaps.