How Shall We Escape?

[Phineas 808]

It should be noted, I'm currently tracking a general abstinence challenge of 90 days which includes everything, P, MO, PMO.

In that regard, the above 20+ days are strictly in reference to MO, whereas I'm actually 41 days without P, or PMO.

I don't like to use multiple counters, and in a sense, I'm not. However, I decided to not disregard that it's been more days since actual P has been seen, going back to March 25, 2021. And actually, the MO at that time was after P was viewed. So, really, I could track all 3 categories, but this doesn't serve my purposes currently.

But this could all be in a sense a moot point, that although actual P was not seen since March 25th, there were p-subs (visual and auditory) used during the lapse of April 13th.

The overall streak currently tracked will thus include everything, but it will also be important to track P and MO separately at least for now. These will be more loosely tracked, or updated only on an occasional basis once I complete this abstinence challenge.

Blessings.

 

[Phineas 808]

Tuesday all hell broke loose in our home, and this involves our 18 year old daughter. There was fighting between her and I, and this escalated on her part where she is currently absent from the home...

More can be said about that, but needless to say, it was a very upsetting and emotional time for all involved. My heart is heavy, and has been since. My wife was away from the home for most of the day and into the night on Tuesday.

While I was very upset, I did my best to work through these emotions throughout the day, and into the night. I found other ways of calming down, going on a walk, journaling, watching the news, deep breathing exercises, and just sitting outside in the cool evening breeze while drinking coffee.

Later on, while watching T.V. (I was waiting to pick up my wife, and it was getting late into the night), I did sense in myself a desire, more of a need to look up something sexy to watch, like p-subs. I noted this feeling, and navigated away from any dangerous or risky videos or channels, and diverted my attention with innocent viewing.

But I noticed that, while I didn't see a direct causal relation, a very similar episode with my daughter occurred in late February [not tracked in this, but only in my hard journal]. I struggled somewhat with p-subs during that time. This may have contributed to an ambivalence toward P-use, and strange need for emotional connection that were present in early March, even as I celebrated my 120 days abstinence challenge.

I note this now to remind myself that, while old cues are changing and don't seem to affect me as before, there are still correlating events and emotional stresses that cause deeper longings on an emotional level which still yearn for p-use, or p-subs to substitute for normal human affection or connection.

Or, it is simply me trying to find normalcy and tranquility through the old behaviors I used to depend on before.... But now I'm forced to reach for other ways of coping with life. The little things that used to cue me don't, but there are still a couple of issues occurring in my life that present stresses that put my abstinence to the test. This is, however, what this current abstinence challenge is intended to do, better develop deeper coping strategies. But they must come naturally, and not be some kind of contrivance.

Be well, all.

 

[J01]

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Try not to go full nuclear on your daughter if there are lesser options. This is way up there on the stress chart. Hope you can navigate clearly through the storm. Nice move coming on here and doing some venting and reflection. You are indeed being tested. Seek His mercy.

 

[Phineas 808]

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Try not to go full nuclear on your daughter if there are lesser options. This is way up there on the stress chart. Hope you can navigate clearly through the storm. Nice move coming on here and doing some venting and reflection. You are indeed being tested. Seek His mercy.

Thank you, Jixu... Good to see you.

It was a very upsetting episode which, if I could have better listened, rather than trying to fix (something very thoughtless and reactive she did), things might have turned out different. Although, I can't blame myself for the actions that followed, as they were her own decisions.

But it is indeed a storm, and I do sense a susceptibility that I normally don't sense. It seems even with many stressful situations that used to send me toward acting out with p-subs or worse, I can now easily weather. So for this to affect me in that way tells me that there are deeper emotional or inner cues that are occurring.

Yes, great advice, and timely. In a matter of days (between today and next week?) I'll be seeing her, and will have to layout some ground rules- or, at least demand that she not foster a volatile situation in our home- and she may take our fight as an excuse to turn things around on me. So these things will have to be carefully navigated, and I'm not the best communicator, as I'd like to think.

Thank you for your prayers, should the Lord lay this on your heart.

 

[EarthWalker]

Hi, Phineas.

My first thought with what you shared that came up was control. Do you want to control your daughter? Or do you want to give her space to figure stuff on her own?

I am seeing a big improvement in my relationships when I stopped projecting my own expectations onto others. Like how my mother is suppose to act etc. Obviously healthy boundaries must be set.

But at the end of the day I can only be responsible for my own emotions and thoughts.

Imho this guy has some good ideas:

I can't find the exact link to one of his videos. But he talked about how instead of saying something like "You are always late" or whatever... you say something like "When you came home late I was worried something might have happened to you". He talked about this:

I-message - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

Hope you will find it useful.

Wish you well and to have a good relationships with your daughter. Obviously every relationships has some ups and down. Hopefully incidents like this can be used to improve the relationships not make it sour.

EW

 

[Phineas 808]

EW, thank you for coming by my journal.

I appreciate what you're saying, and I know for most of us 'recovering narcissists', control is a big thing. In this case, however, I kind of wish it were something so typical as that. But, no, it wasn't so much that I wanted- or generally want to- control my daughter. I've always given her the wings and the space to fly. She always knew her boundaries, and generally respects those, but we've always encouraged her to express herself, and find her freedom.

Your words, however, are not without application here. The thing that erupted in our home, without giving away too sensitive of data, was something that she did in response to her seeing someone at her school that she didn't want to. Her response was very reactive and impulsive, and could have set a lot of negative things in motion.

The ensuing chaos in our home was a result of me wanting to get ahead of what she set in motion, and so, there's the control factor. What I should have done was to listen more, stay calm, consequences be damned. I think I would've been a better parent had I done that, instead...

As things stand now, she's back home (which there was a question that she may not be able to until after the weekend), so grateful that her mom and I have her for Mother's Day. Things between us seem calm and placid for right now, and I'm seeking simply to be supportive of her. Much of what occurred stems from a traumatic event in her life that was outside of our immediate ability to prevent... So, for her right now- and for us- it's all about healing.

 

[EarthWalker]

I think I would've been a better parent had I done that, instead...

I think you are doing a great job as is. This is very hard stuff to deal with.

 

[Phineas 808]

I think you are doing a great job as is. This is very hard stuff to deal with.

Thank you, brother.

 

[Phineas 808]

Tracking... In response to deep and complex emtional challenges of late, there's a part of me reaching out for some normalcy- to self-medicate in order to bring stability, comfort, and equanimity in the wake of what have been above board chaotic and painful emotions and turmoil.

Yesterday (yes, on Mother's Day!), at a restaurant, I made a connection with a waitress who served us. This was something non-verbal, we made eye-contact, and she reciprocated my appreciation of her beauty and elegance. This was nothing done overtly, nor disrespectfully. It was nothing that was outside of my typical dealings with females, perhaps, but maybe there was that added need fueling our interaction? As I paid the ticket, I discovered her name, called her by name in order to give her payment, and the connection continued, albeit amicable and slightly platonic, nothing more.

However, this started a thing: I searched her on FB (didn't find her- she's out of town), not that I would've necessarily started 'a thing' with her. Curiosity, continued to want connection, intimacy, in general. Saw on another's profile a liked page that contained a picture which caused urges...

Later on, there was a continuation of acting on this with p-subs and edging.

I'm not surprised mostly, other than to say that the stresses of life lately are far greater than anything I've become accustomed to, with the ability to handle stressful moments in general. Things that used to 'trigger' me or cue me, no longer do. However, relationship issues occurring on two fronts are a challenge.

Last night, after I did edge for a little while, there were also some p-subs involved previously, I turned over and went to sleep. I didn't continue into late hours, I left my phone in my office to charge, and didn't get it again (it might have become p-use at that point).

I come here for self-accountability, and that it beats isolation, which is perhaps a driver of these former habits, anyway.

 

[Phineas 808]

Day: 30

This is 3/9 toward my current abstinence challenge of 90 days, or we can also say 1/3 through.

This is also 1 month, or 4 weeks and 2 days into this recovery effort, building on previous streaks (139, 19).

Today I hit my goal of 30 days without MO, but with 2x episodes of p-subs and edging. Though this is also 50 days without P, or PMO.

I have only 6 more mini-goals to hit before reaching 90 days!

How do I feel?

I feel that things are normalizing for me, that equanimity, and along with that, control is being regained. I do still feel somewhat vulnerable or weak toward former behaviors, particularly edging, though p-subs are no longer a temptation at the moment. I am careful to monitor my behaviors, that if I saved something, followed someone, etc- if I did so to simply not obsess about it- (that is a particular strategy of mine to offset obsessing) to go back and cut any possibility of revisiting or repeating.

It's a strange place, and weaker than I've felt in a while. But at the same time I'm careful to not get legalistic with myself, judgmental, or entertain shame. I have to keep or sharpen focus, but to do so without falling into either of those traps. But I do also feel hopeful that I've not lapsed further, and have not taken these things too far.

Deeper issues and concerns?

My daughter graduated yesterday, and though it was a stressful day in many regards, it was also hopeful and celebratory. I think our relationship is normalizing for the most part, and we're connecting emotionally. I will continue to build on our previous progress, despite the recent- what could be seen as- set back.

On another front, I decided (again) to discontinue my friendship with my former co-worker, which was non-romantic, but still a secret from the wife. This is a difficult challenge, as it was one of the reasons that began my full blown relapse back in March of 2020, along with the lockdowns related to the pandemic. This time it feels more natural, as there seems to be no desire to continue on my part- and that one doesn't pursue me either. We're not enemies, we may have been the best of friends, but I just can't continue for several reasons. I will probably miss that one eventually- but it does seem easier this time around.

I continue on, hopeful and with renewed vigor toward abstaining from addictive behaviors that threaten all I hold dear. I also have intentions to, not only abstain and break habit patterns, but to also heal from the brokenness of past traumas, and to become more fulfilled and intimate as a person.

 

[Gabe Deem]

I continue on, hopeful and with renewed vigor toward abstaining from those addictive behaviors that threaten all I hold dear. I also have intentions to, not only abstain and break habit patterns, but to also heal on ever deepening levels concerning the brokenness and past traumas, and to become more fulfilled and intimate as a person in my all relationships.

Congrats on your progress, Phineas! I enjoy reading your reflections and life lessons as you navigate this broken world. You're a great man. Thanks for being here and for being an inspiration to others.

 

[Phineas 808]

Congrats on your progress, Phineas! I enjoy reading your reflections and life lessons as you navigate this broken world. You're a great man. Thanks for being here and for being an inspiration to others.

Thank you so much, Gabe! I'm so grateful that you take the time to support and encourage, and visit lonely ol' journals like mine!

You continue to be an invaluable resource in this journey.

Blessings!

 

[Chris Oz]

Awesome progress Phineas!

Congrats to your daughter. And as far as your detachment from your coworker leads to improvement in your life with addiction and family, then you can rest in the fact that you're doing the right thing.

Keep pushing back

 

[Phineas 808]

Congrats to your daughter. And as far as your detachment from your coworker leads to improvement in your life with addiction and family, then you can rest in the fact that you're doing the right thing.

Thank you, Chris. It's not always easy to see this, but all things considered, you're right.

Blessings.

 

[JerryTX]

Phineas,
Just catching up and it sounds like you have been through a rough spell but have come out of it. Lot's of similarities between us... Son graduates next week... hasn't lived with us since June of 2020--Long story but mutually agreed upon as we moved to TX and he was miserable during COVID and moved back to our home state to finish HS. He graduates next Friday! Anyway all of these emotions like you mentioned do play a part in the struggle. Keep up the fight and more importantly the journaling and sharing as with yours and others we all find solace and comfort knowing we are not alone. Praying for you and the family!

 

[Phineas 808]

Thank you, JerryTX!

And congratulations to your son, and best wishes.

 

[Phineas 808]

Needing to dig in, to focus, refocus, to find that original motivation. It's easy to lose when old behaviors make their voice heard as the answer to all your problems, all your inner pain and emotional turmoil.

Part of why I started this journal was to cast in stone, as it were, earlier or original motivations, knowing that these may sometimes change over time, knowing the 'fog of war' and how we lose that earlier fire.

'Phineas'- as a name, doesn't put up with Zimri so flagrantly walking by Moses and the penitent congregation with Cozbi, his new found f*** buddy. There's a zeal that arises in him, an angst, a fire, and fire purifies and purges. (self-judgement!)

This is Joseph fleeing from Potiphar's wife, even as she grabbed his clothes (his righteousness), and literally begged him to f*** her! He ran away, and didn't even look back (unlike Lot's wife, looking back toward Sodom). (Don't look back, there's nothing there! flee from her grasp!)

Last night I had only two options: 1) Either turn toward the wife, and have sex with her; or 2) Get up, go to the office and pray this thing through, obtain that deep emotional need with God. (porn is not an option!)

I chose to plug in my earbuds, open my Bible app, and listen to the Psalms as I went back to sleep.

I am a man who does not look at porn, or masturbate.

I am a man in control of himself.

 

[berrylewis29]

Encouraging words here brother. It gives power to say out loud that we are men who don’t use porn! That’s been my experience at least. I appreciate that you have an attitude of being victorious even when tempted...it’s easy for me to be anxious when I’m tempted but expecting to win this fight is life giving. Thanks for sharing.

 

[Phineas 808]

Encouraging words here brother. It gives power to say out loud that we are men who don’t use porn! That’s been my experience at least.

Thanks, berry! It is a drawing a line in the sand, a separating of higher brain (prefrontal cortex) from the lower instinctual brain, which wants to engage in it's former behaviors.

I appreciate that you have an attitude of being victorious even when tempted...it’s easy for me to be anxious when I’m tempted but expecting to win this fight is life giving.

It is a precarious situation to be sure, and there's no intended over dependency on self or the flesh. At the same time (and almost paradoxically), there is a taking back of power from these outer or internal stimuli that coax one toward former behaviors.

It's also the Art of War, by Sun Tzu, which speaks of having that mindset of victory, even before the battle is engaged. This too is, of course, the 'good fight of faith'- that as even as we engage the battle, we stand on the ground of victory.

 

[Phineas 808]

For me right now it makes sense to count days...

My process is such that, if a lapse occurs how I frame it is so important- and it may seem like starting over, like rolling back down a hill to the bottom, but it's really not like that.

The way I see it, I must abstain from P, PMO, and MO regardless- this is not an option! So, to count days is only to mark what should be happening anyway.

I seem to do better, or stay more focused on recovery when I am counting days.

But again, my current 90 day abstinence challenge is a temporary counting. Once I hit it, same as before, I'll be trained to live life without these former unwanted habits.

The goal?

To quit unwanted habits, to quit a behavioral addiction, one that could undo my marriage, ruin my morals or character (if not too late), behaviors which make me a person willing to selfishly do whatever, hurt whomever (including myself) just to gratify his own lusts.

So, I would be abstaining anyway! The 90 day-challenge is a way of breaking up the behavioral patterns that have become habituated, to un-habituate them. To break any kind of physical (lower brain) or emotional dependency on them.

Clearly the emotional dependency was not broken for me, even after 139 days were accomplished. But, it did break up the habit patterns, showed myself that I can abstain, even from P, PMO, and MO during those 4 months.

I type this now to tell myself that the system I have in place does work, lapses be damned! Through patience, persistence, and perseverance I will change and end these unwanted behaviors. Consistently dismissing urges is the only way to end this. The streaks are indeed training wheels, and are the actual ending of this addiction.

After my goals are met, I will simply live life without these behaviors, as a new man. And parallel to the habit-change, I will continue to seek deeper emotional and spiritual healing.