Reboot to reconnect

[BridgeTri]

Hi all!

Been a porn addict for basically all my life. Started by staying up late watching "erotic movies" (soft core) when I was around 12. Then I bought my first porn magazines in my early teens, "like any normal teenager". My habits of staying up late then changed from being maybe once a week to several times a week. When high speed internet porn came I was stuck. For most of my life I had more days fapping than not. The habit has been a way for me to deal with anxiety and performance pressure at school and later work. It has severely altered my ability to connect with the people around me and especially with women. For most of my life I've not been able to orgasm when I was with a woman. I have had a quite mild ED from time to time.

This Saturday my Girlfriend and I broke up. I knew that I wanted to stop fapping, but I wanted her to mind her own business. She's been nothing but supporting through the whole process and breaking up made me realise this. My habits have built a wall around me and this made us drift apart for the last several months. I'm seeing a therapist, I'm reaching out to friends and family. I want to quit. I want to heal. I want to reconnect with my friends and family, but most of all with my self.

I've been trying to quit several years with endless relapses. This is day 3 of my current reboot.

I feel ashamed of the inability to control my self. Thanks Gabe for starting RN!

 

[BridgeTri]

Day 4. Slept with my ex last night. She really is my soul mate. I and she is scared that my motivation is her and if we get back together I will go back to P(MO) if things don't go well for a day or two between us. Any suggestions? Anyone thats been in a similar situation? How to anchor my commitment/motivation in myself, not the possible reconnection with her? I've let myself down so many times trying to stop PMO.

 

[BridgeTri]

Just woke up, Day 5 no PMO. Having MW and the urge to fap. But I won’t.

 

[BridgeTri]

Day 7! Not my first full week, but a very important one. I think it has a lot to do with the mindset and the motivation behind the change. Being on my own now makes the change harder (since I don't have regular O's). Been thinking about whether it is a good thing to be totally PMO free or if MO is ok? I have made up my mind about P, but not sure if I want to live a life totally without MO. What do you think?

 

[casanova]

How is your libido towards a real woman? If you feel horny and attracted to have real sex, I can't answer your question.
But if you, like me, lost your libido to P and just feel horny to pixels, than I would suggest going hard mode for at least 70 days for a complete reboot. And then focus on a successful rewire, without M, without edging, fantasizing, only real contact (kissing, foreplay) preferentially without O.

I went hard mode for around 70 days, felt super healthy and horny by then, had spectacular sex, and then it felt like relapse and brought me to the day zero again.

You can see my journal here: https://forum.rebootnation.org/index.php?threads/20169/

Maybe you can learn something from my experience. Wish you all the best there!

 

[BridgeTri]

How is your libido towards a real woman? If you feel horny and attracted to have real sex, I can't answer your question.
But if you, like me, lost your libido to P and just feel horny to pixels, than I would suggest going hard mode for at least 70 days for a complete reboot. And then focus on a successful rewire, without M, without edging, fantasizing, only real contact (kissing, foreplay) preferentially without O.

I went hard mode for around 70 days, felt super healthy and horny by then, had spectacular sex, and then it felt like relapse and brought me to the day zero again.

You can see my journal here: https://forum.rebootnation.org/index.php?threads/20169/

Maybe you can learn something from my experience. Wish you all the best there!

Thanks for your support, man!

Looked at your journal, amazing what you've been able to do and what an amazing support you seem to be getting from your wife. Not sure having sex with other women would work for me, since I easily get emotionally attached to the women I have sex with, but if it works for you and your wife, then awesome!

I don't think my libido is totally gone, but it has the wrong focus. It is all about "getting off". I want to be able to have "tantric sex", withholding ejaculation and feel orgasms in a totally different way. Was inspired by a video on youtube about withholding ejaculation - not sure if it'll work for me, but I think so. Right now I'm totally committed to hard mode, cause I think one of my big problems is the death grip and all other things I need to have an orgasm with a partner.

I want my sex life to be about connecting with another person, not using another person (IRL or pixels) to get off. But my addict brain is NOT helping me here. Thanks again for your support!

 

[BridgeTri]

Day 8. Been watching so many motivational TEDx Talks that I almost forgot to go to sleep at night. Having a constant urge to MO, but my determination to be in hard mode seems quite stabile atm. Afraid that an O would bring me back to square one, afraid that my fantasies would be lively P-subs, afraid that I'd start spending as much time on MO as I did on PMO and wouldn't recover or move on to being another sexual person.
Today I'll be working out (indoor cycling, do my mobility routine and maybe lifting weights), fixing healthy food for the weekend (beet root hummus and buying a stash of nuts), reading my book, take a walk while I listen to job-related podcasts and maybe buy some cushions for my couch.

 

[Chris1986]

Day 4. Slept with my ex last night. She really is my soul mate. I and she is scared that my motivation is her and if we get back together I will go back to P(MO) if things don't go well for a day or two between us. Any suggestions? Anyone thats been in a similar situation? How to anchor my commitment/motivation in myself, not the possible reconnection with her? I've let myself down so many times trying to stop PMO.

I think you need to really stop and think about how much pain you have caused to yourself and not just those around you. I am not saying don't consider other peoples feelings within this but really think who has constantly been hurt by your usage? When you really accept how much hurt you have caused yourself and realise you don't deserve all this pain, all this sorrow you can start to heal fully.
Going through this journey for someone else means you may hold back. Just think of it this way. If you can truly love and forgive yourself. Start living freely and truly you will be in a much better place and that gives you the chance for the relationship to heal.

 

[BridgeTri]

Going through this journey for someone else means you may hold back. Just think of it this way. If you can truly love and forgive yourself. Start living freely and truly you will be in a much better place and that gives you the chance for the relationship to heal.

Thanks, Chris. I'll try to think of it that way. It's hard to love someone (myself) thats been hurting me for the better part of my life. But I'll continue to try. I need it to work. I need to explore self compassion in a non-sexual way. I just don't know how.
I appreciate that you shared your thoughts!

 

[Chris1986]

Thanks, Chris. I'll try to think of it that way. It's hard to love someone (myself) thats been hurting me for the better part of my life. But I'll continue to try. I need it to work. I need to explore self compassion in a non-sexual way. I just don't know how.
I appreciate that you shared your thoughts!

I have been dealing with trying to repress self loathing thoughts most my life. Learning to love yourself isn't an overnight fix. I am still practising and learning this myself.
I tell myself in my head
"My name is Chris and I am a good person. I have made mistakes but good people make mistakes. What we do with this knowledge is what defines us."

Take time to be with your thoughts. Try and get to know yourself. Learn to really distinguish which voices inside are yours and which are your addiction/sickness/gargoyles/how ever you refer to it.

Remember you didn't ask to be this way. You were trying to hide from/numb something and the porn was a solution. Sadly it was not the right one but you want to change you want to heal. You want to be better.
You are not a horrible person and you deserved to be loved but you got to love yourself first of all.

 

[BridgeTri]

Thanks a lot. I will carry your advice with me. I like your mantra, used to work with mantras when I was younger, worked perfectly then.
It's hard to change.

But I am a good person, who have made mistakes. I have the ability to change my behaviour!

 

[Chris1986]

We are in this together and I truly believe working to heal from our P addiction requires more than just white knuckling and just not doing it. We need to look deep within ourselves.

 

[BridgeTri]

Day 10. Will stop counting. Using the Easy Peasy method. Sad I didn't come across that earlier. Really made me understand the difference between being an ex-user trying to stop with willpower and a non-user stopping because its the easiest way to do it, realising that P has NEVER given me anything good. P is an addiction like cocaine or heroine. I don't want that in my life.

www.easypeasymethod.org - READ IT!

 

[BridgeTri]

Day 14. Have been MO-ing twice but without fantasising about P or P-subs. Living alone I've decided that MO is okay as long as it doesn't go out of hand. Really done with P. Tired of having given away 15-20 yrs of my life to that sh*t.

Easy peasy. P is highly addictive. Starting is natural, continuing is natural, escalating is natural. Stopping is strong.

 

[BridgeTri]

Day 16. Started regularly MO. Getting different advice about this depending on who I ask and how. What’s most disturbing right now is my sexualisation of women in general. Still looking much at female bodies, undressing in my mind, and I think this is counterproductive. What’s your take on this, fellow non-users?

 

[EarthWalker]

Hi, BridgeTri.

About MO. In terms of pure "mechanics". Hardmode/noFap is gold. But I found a phase where I stayed away from P but still MOed to be necessary. So there is nothing good or bad about MO. Everything has its place. I find it better to stay away from P but still MO. Than to try to go hardmode then relapse on day 10. While with MO but no P one would relapse at day 90.

Also I remember on my no P but MO phase. I could gain better understanding of how P thoughts effect me. As I was forced to at least be in my mind. With P I feel like I am not even in my mind but just in some sort of virtual reality world of P....I am in pixel land.

So I guess what I am saying. MO without P is in my view a totally valid and productive phase of the journey. So I wouldn't try to force and go on hardmode. While I am seeing now hardmode as a necessary phase of the reboot. Like mending a broken bone, put a cast on and wait for it to heal. It was necessary for me to MO without P.

About sexualization etc. It is what it is. I'd say observe it, gave it space, accept it. There is nothing good or bad about it. In my own journey. Now that I started to dive deep in my values and beliefs. I am noticing I started to sexualize women less. Seeing them more as equal in a sense of having their own lives, desires, needs, goals, etc. I'd say instead of suppressing any desires it is more productive to work with aligning our sexuality with what we perceive as our authentic self.

Much love
EW

 

[BridgeTri]

Hi, BridgeTri.

About MO. In terms of pure "mechanics". Hardmode/noFap is gold. But I found a phase where I stayed away from P but still MOed to be necessary. So there is nothing good or bad about MO. Everything has its place. I find it better to stay away from P but still MO. Than to try to go hardmode then relapse on day 10. While with MO but no P one would relapse at day 90.

Also I remember on my no P but MO phase. I could gain better understanding of how P thoughts effect me. As I was forced to at least be in my mind. With P I feel like I am not even in my mind but just in some sort of virtual reality world of P....I am in pixel land.

So I guess what I am saying. MO without P is in my view a totally valid and productive phase of the journey. So I wouldn't try to force and go on hardmode. While I am seeing now hardmode as a necessary phase of the reboot. Like mending a broken bone, put a cast on and wait for it to heal. It was necessary for me to MO without P.

About sexualization etc. It is what it is. I'd say observe it, gave it space, accept it. There is nothing good or bad about it. In my own journey. Now that I started to dive deep in my values and beliefs. I am noticing I started to sexualize women less. Seeing them more as equal in a sense of having their own lives, desires, needs, goals, etc. I'd say instead of suppressing any desires it is more productive to work with aligning our sexuality with what we perceive as our authentic self.

Much love
EW

Much appriciated! I think I'll cut myself som slack and let MO be OK for some time. Then when I feel more in balance, I'll go full on hard mode. Breaking up with the woman of my dreams is not making this journey easy.

 

[BridgeTri]

Day 20. Bored and want to do something fun instead of chores. Fantasies coming into my mind, really feel like this is just procrastination and not real lust. Had a tough day at work last night. Didn't sleep well. Maybe sleepiness is my trigger?

 

[BridgeTri]

Made it all the way to day 30, but after a few bad decisions in a couple of stressful weeks I’m now day 1. P has never done anything good for me. I ruin my life by PMOing. I need to stay strong. I need to remind myself that PMO is a choice and I can choose not to.
Reboot to reconnect with myself. Day 1.

 

[BridgeTri]

Had a nice day with some old friends. Good talks about life. No urges. Feeling tired, but busy day today. Looking forward
Day 2