WoundedSparrow
Active Member
I haven't posted on this forum in at least 6 months. My life has been changing for the better and I've been better at managing my addiction, but I've still got a long way to go. I met a wonderful woman and we've been dating almost 4 months to the day. I just started sobering up when I met her and I went 70+ days sober before I relapsed. I told her about my addiction and to my pleasant surprise, she was understanding and supportive of me. But that support is waning. I've relapsed several times over the course of our relationship now. Every time I do it, I tell her. And every time I tell her, a little piece of me dies inside and I feel her pain and frustration growing, as it should. I accept total responsibility for my actions. Usually I can go several weeks sober, but I always fail. This year has been a net improvement, but it's not good enough. This woman is easily the most wonderful woman that I've ever been with and I keep hurting her and can't stop.
Last night, just shy of three weeks clean from my last failure, I failed again. As usual, I told her. And as usual, she got more upset than the last time. Again, I know she is completely justified in behaving this way. Last night was also the first time I looked at porn with complete 100% disgust after I was done. Usually it's shame, anger, guilt, etc. Always a small amount of disgust, but when I'd ask myself, "How could you look at that?" I always knew deep down why I looked. This time I actually was filled with disgust for what I had watched and what I had done. I've been an addict since late 2013 and this was the very first time I found it completely unconscionable. It definitely is because of her. We discussed the possibility of porn blocker apps, but I always put the idea on the backburner considering there seems to be a million options, they all want your money, and they never seem to give me what I'm looking for. So I'm asking for help.
I'm on Android, so there's stupidly no parental control settings built into the device. I need an app that can block all pornographic content in my browser as well as any specific sites I need to avoid. And I need my girlfriend to be able to stop me from deleting it or removing sites from the block list. For example, I deleted Twitter a long time ago because it's overrun with porn and so easy to find. Most parental controls and filters don't remove social media sites, so I need to block it and ensure it stays blocked whether I want it to be or not. Basically, I need to build a jail for myself on my phone and then hand my girlfriend the key so I can stay sober. She's onboard with the idea, but I need guidance on the best option. I know a lot of people here use apps and I want to know if any are out there that fit my needs. Money is no object. I can't put a price on this, but I need the money to be well-spent. Help me, Reboot Nation.
Last night, just shy of three weeks clean from my last failure, I failed again. As usual, I told her. And as usual, she got more upset than the last time. Again, I know she is completely justified in behaving this way. Last night was also the first time I looked at porn with complete 100% disgust after I was done. Usually it's shame, anger, guilt, etc. Always a small amount of disgust, but when I'd ask myself, "How could you look at that?" I always knew deep down why I looked. This time I actually was filled with disgust for what I had watched and what I had done. I've been an addict since late 2013 and this was the very first time I found it completely unconscionable. It definitely is because of her. We discussed the possibility of porn blocker apps, but I always put the idea on the backburner considering there seems to be a million options, they all want your money, and they never seem to give me what I'm looking for. So I'm asking for help.
I'm on Android, so there's stupidly no parental control settings built into the device. I need an app that can block all pornographic content in my browser as well as any specific sites I need to avoid. And I need my girlfriend to be able to stop me from deleting it or removing sites from the block list. For example, I deleted Twitter a long time ago because it's overrun with porn and so easy to find. Most parental controls and filters don't remove social media sites, so I need to block it and ensure it stays blocked whether I want it to be or not. Basically, I need to build a jail for myself on my phone and then hand my girlfriend the key so I can stay sober. She's onboard with the idea, but I need guidance on the best option. I know a lot of people here use apps and I want to know if any are out there that fit my needs. Money is no object. I can't put a price on this, but I need the money to be well-spent. Help me, Reboot Nation.