Craving every (real) woman I see

Caravan7

Member
Hi guys, I struggle to find answers on the Internet about a specific issue, described below.

I am already porn-free (5 months now) and I was also completely porn abstinent for 2 years in the recent past before a relapse.

Does anybody currently in reboot and complete abstinence experience something like the following?

1) Sight of any attractive (to you) woman out in the world, on the streets, triggers strong sexual craving, so strong that it causes suffering. Meaning, you suffer because you feel you absolutely need to touch or otherwise sexually engage with that person; you realize that that is impossible, of course, so you suffer, you are extremely frustrated [Ethics prevent me from any kind of creepy or inappropriate behavior; rationally, I recognize that these feelings are like an objectification of women, so an additional level of frustration is feeling morally reprehensible for this objectification]

2) The trigger is not person-specific. A few seconds later, the sight of another woman on the other side of the street causes the exact same problem. And so on ad infinitum.

3) These feelings lack any aspect of romantic fantasy. It's more like I am seeing real women in the world as I used to see porn actresses online. Again, I rationally realize that is not the case, but it does nothing for the symptoms. The strong craving and resulting frustration continue unabated.

4) This problem does not seem to change no matter how long I have been abstinent from porn, as if the "pornification" of everyone I see is unchangeable and eternal (and that scares me).

5) This phenomenon is the same whether I am single or have a romantic partner. It's so strong, in fact, that I keep perusing the streets for attractive "sights" even when I am walking around with my girlfriend (and of course I feel ashamed about it).

6) I constantly compare my girlfriend's body with these "bodies" I see in the world. My partner usually comes up short, even if I love her personality and feel affection for her; in fact, even sex with her is actually fun for both of us.

7) Finally, I would like to emphasize that the sense of VISION is really crucial here. It is the SIGHT specifically—or conjuring a VISUAL image of a woman in my mind—that triggers the craving.

Has anybody experienced this and did you manage to find a solution? The lack of change (even when I was "clean" for 2 years) worries me extremely.

Thank you for reading :)
 

Fappy

Respected Member
Sounds like theres still some residual fuck over from your PMO addiction. If you only see women in the capacity of "can i fuck it?" or "what would it be like to shove it up that", then youre not fully healed. It could take longer than two years, PMO changed the chemical balance of your brain remember.
 

Caravan7

Member
Sounds like theres still some residual fuck over from your PMO addiction. If you only see women in the capacity of "can i fuck it?" or "what would it be like to shove it up that", then youre not fully healed. It could take longer than two years, PMO changed the chemical balance of your brain remember.
That's what I imagined, yes, thank you. But I was also wondering whether, besides just patience and waiting for the "reboot", others have found good coping strategies in the meantime. Perhaps there are thoughts or insights that can be helpful to reduce the intensity of these perceptions. I'll add one detail, however: I tended to be attracted to multiple people even before I ever saw any porn (teens). So this "multiplicity" issue has been worsened by porn but it seems to build on some kind of predisposition. I was hoping to read from others who may have similar perceptions (attraction to any woman they see) and how they go about it. Thanks!
 
That's what I imagined, yes, thank you. But I was also wondering whether, besides just patience and waiting for the "reboot", others have found good coping strategies in the meantime. Perhaps there are thoughts or insights that can be helpful to reduce the intensity of these perceptions. I'll add one detail, however: I tended to be attracted to multiple people even before I ever saw any porn (teens). So this "multiplicity" issue has been worsened by porn but it seems to build on some kind of predisposition. I was hoping to read from others who may have similar perceptions (attraction to any woman they see) and how they go about it. Thanks!
Yes, I understand that. One trick that I personally find helpful for me is to try and look into the eyes of random women than to let my eyes wander over their body with the usual sexual thoughts. I haven't been too good at doing this but still, I try to maintain it as much as possible. It does lead me to think of them differently.
 

Caravan7

Member
Yes, I understand that. One trick that I personally find helpful for me is to try and look into the eyes of random women than to let my eyes wander over their body with the usual sexual thoughts. I haven't been too good at doing this but still, I try to maintain it as much as possible. It does lead me to think of them differently.
Thank you for that idea. Yes, the problem is that real women have become mere images because of so much visual conditioning (which by the way is porn PLUS media culture too, pop music, tv etc). But the reality is that there are no human bodies, only human people. I find that these symptoms ease up a bit every time I have a socially fulfilling moment, like a dinner with friends, the warmth of friendship, food, laughter... in those moments I don't obsess about sex, it's more holistic. I'm not sure that real sex is the opposite of porn. I bet socialization is the true opposite of porn.
 

Fappy

Respected Member
One coping strategy that i found worked for me was to think of such women as merely being illusory beings specifically designed to get me to relapse. In other words, not real. They manifested into my conciousness for the sole reason of making me slip up, like holograms. Dont let such things trick you, your eyes see them as attractive and they spark some desire to want to plow them, but see past that and see them as just another maniffestation the demon-lord of PMO who is contanty trying to get you to give him what he wants - your dopamine!
 

Artemus

Active Member
That's what I imagined, yes, thank you. But I was also wondering whether, besides just patience and waiting for the "reboot", others have found good coping strategies in the meantime. Perhaps there are thoughts or insights that can be helpful to reduce the intensity of these perceptions. I'll add one detail, however: I tended to be attracted to multiple people even before I ever saw any porn (teens). So this "multiplicity" issue has been worsened by porn but it seems to build on some kind of predisposition. I was hoping to read from others who may have similar perceptions (attraction to any woman they see) and how they go about it. Thanks!
Multiplicity? Do you mean that your attraction to women is more than 1 type? If so, that's normal. Look, simple fact, we are men and we are made to be attracted to women(plural), its that simple. Men more than women are more visually aroused. Maybe I'm wrong, but the way you are describing things it sounds like you "ONLY" see women for their physical beauty and that is a problem. Its no crime to be aware of women, but using our eyes as "Heat Seeking" weapons to oggle every woman we come across is no different than viewing porn, you are using them to stimulate your brain. So in effect you havent given up porn, you just switched to real life voyeur-esqe stimulation. Its a habit you'll have to break by altering your behavior in public and adjusting your thoughts. We are men and we have the ability and duty to control ourselves, both physically and mentally.
 

Caravan7

Member
Multiplicity? Do you mean that your attraction to women is more than 1 type? If so, that's normal. Look, simple fact, we are men and we are made to be attracted to women(plural), its that simple. Men more than women are more visually aroused. Maybe I'm wrong, but the way you are describing things it sounds like you "ONLY" see women for their physical beauty and that is a problem. Its no crime to be aware of women, but using our eyes as "Heat Seeking" weapons to oggle every woman we come across is no different than viewing porn, you are using them to stimulate your brain. So in effect you havent given up porn, you just switched to real life voyeur-esqe stimulation. Its a habit you'll have to break by altering your behavior in public and adjusting your thoughts. We are men and we have the ability and duty to control ourselves, both physically and mentally.
I think you're right, thank you. I was struggling to find information on the Internet on this kind of addiction because most sites discuss the effects of viewing porn and porn addiction as the specific act of watching multiple hours of porn per day, or losing a job because they watch on the job. This could be misleading because someone who watches only 5 minutes a day (as I did for 10 years), exclusively at home, or someone who no longer watches it (like me now) may believe to have solved the addiction. But porn, it seems, is more like an attitude toward women, not only or exclusively the specific act of watching naked people having (extreme) sex. Based on what you are saying, even fully clothed real women out in the world can become triggers for a man with a "pornified" brain. I think there needs to be more availability of information not only about quitting the habit of porn watching as such, which everybody emphasizes, but about how to heal our brain from a certain distorted way of thinking about sex and women, which remains inside even after one ceases the actual watching of porn. And it's not only because I've only quitted 5 months ago. Previously, before this last relapse, I was clean for almost 4 years (I think I wrote 2 earlier but was mistaken!) and although the intensity of lustful activation caused by real women decreased just a bit, I kept with porn-like masturbatory fantasies for all that time (most of which I spent being single), even without seeing a single image of sex or even a naked woman! You said, "alter your behavior and adjust your thoughts" That's what I want to do! But I don't seem to be able. How do you do it? Sorry for going long, but lots of thought about this...
 

Artemus

Active Member
That was one of the best, most well thought out and honest responses I've ever read. Well done. "How do you do it?" that is the question. Its a question of habits, we've cultivated selfish indulgent habits since we were young, some naturally and others thru societal influence, but they are our habits none the less. First we have to own our sexuality, we are responsible for it, we are not victims or powerless to our impulses and drives. Sadly I've seen many men try to avoid their responsibility by making the argument that they have a higher sex drive/libido than other men and so that is why they do what they do. Bollucks, we are all men with the same God given desires, intended to bind husband and wife together in an intimate unique relationship and to build a family and further the species. I'm a Christian, so my advice does come from a Biblical POV, but I won't be using that to judge or shame you or anyone else, but I will make reference of some of the wisdom taught there in.

So what do we do? As a practical place to start we do as you've done and eliminate the un-healthy or unwanted external sexual stimuli from our daily lives that we control, ie porn, suggestive TV, Movies and any other media that falls under the P-Sub category. Music can be an issue too as it leads to fantasy and sexual thoughts. Second, we make a pact with ourselves not to sexually evaluate the women we meet in public. We practice averting our eyes from those parts that stimulate us. In the beginning this is difficult and depending on the season and the attire being worn in public this will be challenging. Third, make it a point to look into women's eyes when we interact with them. Fourth, do not allow your mind to wander freely, take control of your thoughts and do not indulge in fantasy. Unless you are with your spouse and/or GF, make it a habit to leave intimate thoughts just for them. In time you'll be amazed at how much more appealing they become to you. We have to take control of our minds, that is where the battle is fought and won.

You are going to feel urges, strong urges. Your brain is use to getting a regular level of stimulation, but these pass and make the time we do spend with our mates all the more sweeter. When these urges we must allow them to pass, don't panic or fixate on them instead be flattered, remind yourself that you are storing this up for "her", that she is going to get ALL of you the next time you come together and it will be earth shattering.

As way of a metaphor we are taught to admire the wild stallion, he runs free unhindered, comes and goes as he pleases, but he's of no practical use to anyone. Conversely we rarely consider the work horse, he's the same physically as the stallion but he has been taken control of and harnessed. That harnessing makes it possible to do all kings of productive work, plowing, pulling wagons, riding, racing, etc. So now his power can be focused and put to good use, not wasted aimlessly running wild. Harness your drives, put them to productive good use and you will be rewarded. I hope this helps. Real men control themselves and put their energies to good use.
 

Caravan7

Member
Thank you for all this insight! Although I'm not Christian, I relate to much of what you are saying. Building on your horse metaphor, lately I've been thinking of the key word "meaningful." I noticed that the sexual fantasy (even now that I no longer watch porn) is always frozen in a present with no past and future: the masturbatory fantasy creates a perfectly looking, perfectly horny, perfectly performing idealized woman who is there in your mind's eye only as long as it takes to climax. And then? There is no narrative, romantic or otherwise, about spending time together, laughing, sharing, building things together. In other words, porn (or porn-like fantasy) is very intense but not meaningful: in essence, it is useless, as you're saying, just like drugs (not medical drugs) are useless. So, yes, productive and meaningful, I'm going to focus on that. Thank you for the advice :)
 

Artemus

Active Member
Thank you for all this insight! Although I'm not Christian, I relate to much of what you are saying. Building on your horse metaphor, lately I've been thinking of the key word "meaningful." I noticed that the sexual fantasy (even now that I no longer watch porn) is always frozen in a present with no past and future: the masturbatory fantasy creates a perfectly looking, perfectly horny, perfectly performing idealized woman who is there in your mind's eye only as long as it takes to climax. And then? There is no narrative, romantic or otherwise, about spending time together, laughing, sharing, building things together. In other words, porn (or porn-like fantasy) is very intense but not meaningful: in essence, it is useless, as you're saying, just like drugs (not medical drugs) are useless. So, yes, productive and meaningful, I'm going to focus on that. Thank you for the advice .
You are welcome and thank you for your honesty and receptiveness.
 

GTraven95

New Member
Ive had some decent streaks staying away from pmo, 30-60 days (not long enough when i want to never watch again) and i know how you feel..

I think we must try our best to not even look at them as hard as that sounds, turn away. The only acceptable time to look is if you can get a date with her and during sex imo. I dont recommend seeing escorts frequently if you are unable to find a girl but on the rare occasion if you must you can look at her aswell during sex. Every other time we must never indulge with our eyes

This seems incredibly difficult i know but i think its the only way i will be able to break this addiction when im back on a high streak
 

AJM

Active Member
Hey Caravan,
I so very mush appreciate you being so open and upfront about this problem.
I cannot emphasize enough that rebooting is not just starving your reward centers n circuits without porn - thats incomplete.
It is more of of a journey inside yourself , you have to heal your heart not just brain or Pied.
Please spend some time connecting with youself ,ask intrusive questions to yourself, be vulnerable, heal your pains from previous experiences.
hope that helps.
 

Caravan7

Member
Hey Caravan,
I so very mush appreciate you being so open and upfront about this problem.
I cannot emphasize enough that rebooting is not just starving your reward centers n circuits without porn - thats incomplete.
It is more of of a journey inside yourself , you have to heal your heart not just brain or Pied.
Please spend some time connecting with youself ,ask intrusive questions to yourself, be vulnerable, heal your pains from previous experiences.
hope that helps.
Couldn't agree more! Indeed, I fell into porn (as I've only recently realized) as a misguided attempt to soothe or compensate for a trauma (or deep disappointment). The paradox is that the roots of the porn problem are not necessarily sexual, or at least not only sexual. Thank you.
For me, part of the healing is socialization, the warmth of friendship. All best wishes to you as well. C7
 
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