DAY 5
No strong urges so far today but there is definitely a general, low-level restlessness & discomfort. I am beginning to feel the effects of stopping but, without underestimating the power of this addiction, I feel I am ready for them this time. I have structure & planned for this weekend in a way that I am optimistic will get me through lapse free.
I have also decided to, after 18 years, decided to start a martial art again. I think the structure, discipline, exercise, insight, confidence & numerous other benefits of doing this will help to make some sustainable change in my life this time around. My first class is tomorrow.
I have not experienced any overwhelming urges but can feel a build of energy from within. Thoughts & urges will come and I will manage them as & when they do. I can't live in fear of them or let them build up in my brain into something dreadful, overwhelming or all-powerful either.
I don't mention this often but sometimes when I am out walking in the evening & feeling the withdrawals particularly strongly. I have developed the unfortunate habit of glancing at the windows of places as I walk past, as if i'm hoping to see a naked woman or something silly like that I suppose. I found myself doing this yesterday and found I had to actually cut the walk short and take myself home to stop doing it. Then of course the thoughts came,
DISTORTION - "Think of all the loving couples & people on this cold night. Think of what they're doing together right now. Youknowwhatimean! Just picture it, everyone around you is probably doing it right now! All your ex-girlfriends, they're doing it right now! Every women you've been rejected by, they're doing it right now! You don't get to experience that because you're not good enough. You're not good looking enough, you're not rich enough, not sucessful enough, not charming enough and, as you continue to lapse year by year, this will only become worse so WHY DON'T YOU JUST GIVE UP!"
ANSWER - "No offense Orbiter but this is some grade-A, absolute crazy talk! Even if all of that were true which it is not, relationships aren't some crazy unattainable, Mount Everest high, Holy Grail of eternal sex, sunshine & happiness. Relationships also do not exist to validate me, I do not need any of this to feel comfortable, happy & to live. I am good enough for the type of woman who's good enough for me. All this and more awaits me once this addiction is under control and I can begin to look beyond.
DISTORTION - "This is not going well for you is it? Is this really what recovery looks like to you? Really?! Let's be honest, you're a hairs length from going home & PMOing right now and, given your wandering eyes on this walk, you've already half-lapsed anyway plus depleted-dopamine-neuro-blahblahblah so why keep trying? Perhaps it'd just be better to PMO once and start again properly."
ANSWER - "While this isn't good and I need to be mindful over the coming days to be wary of this behaviour, I HAVE NOT PMOed and, triggers/cues, withdrawal behaviours or weird subs aside, my intention is to not PMO. By staying away from PMO, this secondary habit will also weaken and if anything, it is yet another reason I need to quit this addiction finally & forever"
Exhausting just thinking about it but this is the hard work that needs to be done.
Wishing you all well on your journeys today.