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ulaire14

Member
Hello everyone.
I am a 30 year old husband that has been addicted to PMO since age 9. I have struggled with extreme personality and mental health changes for the last 9 years. Brain fog almost everyday. It took me 20 years to realize that P is not normal and that it has withered away at who I am. It took me until yesterday to realize that MO everyday was not normal and also damaging me. My wife of 9 years is aware of my struggles and I am blessed she has been so patient with me. My first look at P were pictures I found under my brothers mattress and it slowly turned into an obssession from there. I was a very outgoing child always happy and always had friends. After about 2 years I started to become shy and lose friends after trying to introduce them to P. By the time I was in 7th grade I would stay up until 4am searching the internet for the next high. By the time i was a junior in high school I started to look at females as nothing more than objects and becane very isolated in my social life from friends. I would always have a girlfriend or some girl to just use and treated them like things. I met my wife in college and we got married after a couple years. During this time I started losing confidence and started to be depressed. I didnt feel real emotions anymore and the ideal of sex did not sound appealing to me unless it was P. These last 5 years for me have been a fog of anxiety and depression. My memory declined and I could barely carry a conversation with someone that wasnt work related. I no longer felt any sort of pleasure mentally or physically. 130 days ago i made it my mission to quit watching P. I made it to 80 days before relapsing. In those 80 days my anxiety was gone, I had a morning erection for the first time in 8 years, I cried, I felt real joy. The problem is I did not stop MO or rewire with my wife. MO led to fantasy and 2 relapses. Yesterday after finding reboot nation I discovered what I really need to do to reclaim my life that has been robbed by PMO. I cannot wait to be completely free.
 
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Fappy

Respected Member
welcome! its great that you were able to find this forum and this information. this place saved me. youve already had that amazing streak and reaped the benefits, so do it again, idiot! what was it that triggered the last relapse?
 

ulaire14

Member
welcome! its great that you were able to find this forum and this information. this place saved me. youve already had that amazing streak and reaped the benefits, so do it again, idiot! what was it that triggered the last relapse?
Hello, thank you for the welcome! It is good to hear that this place saved you hearing about other peoples success has really encouraged me.
I feel it was a combination of factors that contributed to my last relapse. Firstly, my wife was out of town and it gets really tough for me when I am on my own. Then I let myself get bored and tired. So I did the whole "I will just check out a few risky pictures and not go any farther". It was an instant trigger to go farther. The hardest part is that the years of PMO has caused me to lose interest in so many things and it created a cycle of "boredom to PMO". Just for a short time of feeling some rush in my brain then straight to the numbness. I cant wait to get joy back for all the little things in life
 

Fappy

Respected Member
yeah thats right. its a really viscious and fucked up cycle of SHIT. you PMO out of boredom, then in turn the PMO makes you enjoy everythint else less, which in turn makes you bored, and boredom leads to PMO. ridiculous, and really quite terrifying.
a tiny litte rush of dopamine, a dribble to your brain in exchange for weeks and months of depression and mental lethargy. what the fuck type of deal is that?! no way. kill it now so it cant do that again.
 

ulaire14

Member
Hello everyone,

It is day 6 of no PMO and I am feeling pretty sluggish and anxious. The emptiness is really setting in. I have never stopped the full PMO together and have used MO as a crutch while trying to stop P. I have been getting urges frequently through out the day but I am resisting only because I now realize that MO is a much bigger problem than I ever knew in my life.
I keep thinking more and more about what it has done to my life. I do not look at people the way i should. Many seem like objects and not someone to get to know. I realize now this is why it has become hard to have a conversation like a normal person. My wife deserves so much more of what I have contributed and I feel she really does not know the best I have to offer.
I have wasted two decades and most of my life with this garbage. It makes me wonder how many more people I could have gotten to know and relationships i could have built. I am feeling angry the more I think about it. It is hard for me to process though and put down into words too what I want to say. I hope the farther along in rebooting I will be able to say more and write more but for now this is all I have.
 

ulaire14

Member
Day 9 of no PMO. I felt more energy today than i have the past few days. Still felt urges this morning. That used to to be part of my morning routine before work. I was able to quickly change my mindset. The rest of the day was pretty easy for me. There are times through out the day when I can catch a glimpse of how I can be. Confident, outgoing, and motivated but it never lasts long. My self esteem is shot from all the PMO and lack of real human interaction. Tonight my wife and I had new friends over. It went well but i had to have a few drinks before i could feel anywhere comfortable. I remember a time when i could be apart of the fun without having to drink. The isolation from PMO is more obvious to me now and I wish I could have all those years back. I will keep moving forward and resisting PMO to have a better life for me and my wife.
 

ulaire14

Member
Day 16
I am starting to feel less tired. Been staying busy hiking and doing things with my wife. I feel as if we have started to connect more the last couple of days. It felt like real quality time which does not seem to have happened for quite awhile. I did not expect some of the stuff to happen so quickly after stopping mo. Last night i found myself super attracted to my wife but we both went to sleep instead of pursuing. I actually woke up with morning wood today. It went away rather quickly but still progress. The urges have been coming at me still. They seem subtle and dangerous to where I almost touch myself out of habit. I am glad i have been able to catch my brain in the act. I hope i continue to see improvements. I still have not had any improvements in having conversation with people. Maybe a few more weeks I can start to be more confident. My goal is to try and force myself to talk to people everyday even if its small talk but make myself want to be a pary of human relations. That is all I have for now.
 

ulaire14

Member
Day 25
Things have been going quite well so far. I have been very busy with family visiting and doing projects with my wife. I have not had morning wood again but I am still getting random erections through out the day and the habitual urges to touch myself. That seems the toughest part because I feel if I do not stay vigilant when those quick urges come on I will give in before I realize what I am doing. I have had another bout of fatigue and feel like I am going through some physical withdrawals at this point. I still have not really made any improvements with connecting with people outside of my wife where I feel we are making major strides. I will check back in a few days.
 

ulaire14

Member
Day 30

Really struggling today since the moment I woke up. Been having urges all day and random erections. To make things worse my wife just decided to leave town to go camping for a couple days. The worst timing ever. I am doing everything thing I can to not get into the google fishing. I tried going on a run. I think I should probably leave the house until I can get my head straight. If I get bored now or any kind of trigger I know I will relapse. I will update tomorrow.
 

ulaire14

Member
Day 31
I made it through yesterday. I needed to stay out of the house for most of the night to get my mind clear. I am feeling much better today. I decided tonight I am going to go stay at the campground with my wife even though I work tomorrow. I think it will be worth the drive to make sure I can stay away from the trigger of being alone in the house.
I will then be camping through the weekend so it will give my mind a good rest from technology. I will update again after camping.
 

yogi

Active Member
Hi Ulaire
Good to see you made it to 31 days.

That "rest from technology" really caught my eye.

I think the availability of a computer along with high speed internet is in itself a trigger (at least sometimes).

But we cannot escape technology, at least I cannot as it is an essential part of my work.

Enjoy your camping weekend!
 

ulaire14

Member
Day 0

Well I did PMO today. I am kind of in shock still at how quickly it happened. I was supposed to be camping today and I knew I needed to be camping. That feeling of a relapse has been at me for a couple days now. The problem is my wife and I got into a really bad fight and I drove home. Thought I had a really good handle on things but this is the most stress I have dealt with in the last 32 days.
I feel pretty devastated but I am writing here to tell my brain this is not going to be a binge scenario. This is not the longest ive gone without watching P but it is the longest I have gone without MO in about 20 years. The worst part about all of it is that it did not feel wrong while happening but of course immediately after i felt shame and disgust. It scares me at how instictive this is in my body. Almost like it is not even me doing it and my brain decided to take the wheel for me. I am going to find something I can do outside again to clear my head and get refocused. I am hoping my wife and I can work this out before too long. It is so hard working on yourself while in a marriage because it is supposed to be about two people. It is so hard to give yourself fully to someone when you carry this burden and know that it is keeping you from being your best self to that person. The rest of the world is not waiting for me to fix myself and I have not realized the gravity of what this meant until now. The thought of going through life being lesser than I should have been or not experiencing the joys and emotions the way I was meant too is crushing me right now. I gotta do this for me but I also need to do this for those around me.
I will need to find a different coping mechanism before this kind of stress comes up again. I am not going to quit and tomorrow I will start again.
 

King Leer

Active Member
Hello everyone.
I am a 30 year old husband that has been addicted to PMO since age 9. I have struggled with extreme personality and mental health changes for the last 9 years. Brain fog almost everyday. It took me 20 years to realize that P is not normal and that it has withered away at who I am. It took me until yesterday to realize that MO everyday was not normal and also damaging me. My wife of 9 years is aware of my struggles and I am blessed she has been so patient with me. My first look at P were pictures I found under my brothers mattress and it slowly turned into an obssession from there. I was a very outgoing child always happy and always had friends. After about 2 years I started to become shy and lose friends after trying to introduce them to P. By the time I was in 7th grade I would stay up until 4am searching the internet for the next high. By the time i was a junior in high school I started to look at females as nothing more than objects and becane very isolated in my social life from friends. I would always have a girlfriend or some girl to just use and treated them like things. I met my wife in college and we got married after a couple years. During this time I started losing confidence and started to be depressed. I didnt feel real emotions anymore and the ideal of sex did not sound appealing to me unless it was P. These last 5 years for me have been a fog of anxiety and depression. My memory declined and I could barely carry a conversation with someone that wasnt work related. I no longer felt any sort of pleasure mentally or physically. 130 days ago i made it my mission to quit watching P. I made it to 80 days before relapsing. In those 80 days my anxiety was gone, I had a morning erection for the first time in 8 years, I cried, I felt real joy. The problem is I did not stop MO or rewire with my wife. MO led to fantasy and 2 relapses. Yesterday after finding reboot nation I discovered what I really need to do to reclaim my life that has been robbed by PMO. I cannot wait to be completely free.
I find it fascinating how porn affects people so differently. My bro found a porn mag on his paper route in an alley in the snow when he was about 11 I was about 14. He showed it to me and instantly I was hooked and still am. Though it seems to have the power to nearly destroy me I don't think he ever really struggled with it.
 

ulaire14

Member
I find it fascinating how porn affects people so differently. My bro found a porn mag on his paper route in an alley in the snow when he was about 11 I was about 14. He showed it to me and instantly I was hooked and still am. Though it seems to have the power to nearly destroy me I don't think he ever really struggled with it.
Yes, it seems like some people have a certain wiring in their brain to where they do not get affected the same way to things that can become addicting. How long did it take for you to realize it was a problem for you?
 

ulaire14

Member
Day 13

Hello,
I have not written in awhile. I took some much needed time off from work. My wife and I went camping in Yellowstone. It was nice to be away from all the triggers and normal habits of life. It is strange how being in nature with no technology completely frees me from any urges and stray thoughts. I am happy that my vacation is not over and we will be going to visit family for the next few days. I think I just need to keep throwing more nature in my life as it seems to be some what healing for me. I will update again once I get back home.
 

yogi

Active Member
Good to know you are on day 13 ulaire!
Maybe travelling is the thing that connects with your soul. It might help you break your addiction.
 

King Leer

Active Member
Yes, it seems like some people have a certain wiring in their brain to where they do not get affected the same way to things that can become addicting. How long did it take for you to realize it was a problem for you?
A very long time many years because I liked to so much. I had to go way to far before it hit me that there was a problem
 
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