Day 2- So I saw an interesting post where someone pointed out something important; I think we all have a pretty good idea why we want to recover from our compulsion/addictions but I suppose I've rarely gone deep into what it exactly is that PMO has done for me. What I mean by that was why did I get sucked into the world of porn addiction? I suppose I've asked myself the question over the years but always came up with answers that were surface or ones that demonized myself like I'm weak or a bad person. And so in a real effort to get my hands around this thing I'll extrapolate the why if I can most likely not in one go as I find this kind of introspection difficult and painful. I suppose my first experiences of porn were like most men in my age group; furtive looks at magazines, VHS tapes or DVDs borrowed from friends etc. The usual stuff most young males get up to. Although something of my compulsive nature was even evident then. I remember a period where I began to ring phone sex lines regularly. This of course resulted in a huge phone bill for my Mum and I had to admit it was me. Basic story of a teenager doing something stupid but then it became a chronic compulsion; even though I had been caught out I continued to ring them. This of course caused my Mum great distress but I couldn't stop. It was an indicator of what was to come. I was a very insecure teenager ( most teenagers are I guess but I felt particularly disconnected), I was bullied frequently, and that insecurity and lack of confidence is still something I carry with me to this day. Things changed when I went to college; I still had this feeling that I didn't belong there but then I met my first girlfriend....i suppose it may have been the only true and honest relationship I've ever had. And that gave me a big boost in myself. By the second year of our relationship I guess we stated to drift apart. In retrospect I believe this was my doing....i don't think I thought I could do better, I loved her! But I fell into the trap of not wanting to be committed at such a young age, thinking that I was missing out on the chance to be with other women....i had friends who were doing the one night stand thing and I, in a selfish and jealous manner, wanted that too. I guess I thought that was what made a man, being desirable to numerous women, I thought I was missing out. Comparing myself to others is something I still struggle with that to this day; it's a lack of gratitude for what i had or have in my life. The grass has always been greener on the other side to me.....even as our relationship was coming to a close I remember I would sneak off to watch pornography rather than spend time with her.....she knew what I was doing even though I would make up excuses.....i was bored and unfulfilled; not a valid excuse at all but it's the true one. As I write this now I can see back then that, like now, I had this deep chasm inside me; an empty space that I was trying to fill with external sources. When she could no longer give me that validation (it's selfish, immature and unrealistic to think someone else can make me whole) then I turned to porn. At the time nothing seemed wring with it, it just seemed normal that a man in his late teens would be chasing after sex or porn all the time but I didn't see, as I do now, that something deeper was happening; that i was trying to numb the feelings of failure, lack of self worth, being disconnected, not knowing who I was....all these things. In essence I was trying to address a problem of the soul with external stimuli! That's it for today guys, I've stretched myself to the limits and so I'll add more to my story tomorrow. Have a blessed day my friends!!