To relapse is the saddest thing that can happen to me!Alas

It was 30th relapse in between 250 days of journey . Right now I'm feeling totally enervated and drained. I wasted my clarity,Focus,a day and many more.All I want is to heal me.I don't have any concern with anything but Sobriety and clean from PMO....
After every relapse living life is so scary and frustrating that I prefer to be confined to nothingness.:mad:πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚:mad:

Day 0 and hence totally wasted day for myself.
 
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Day 1
I don't know how to count days.I am puzzled over the question whether I should cound from begining night to next night or Daily morning.As I followed in the past,so today is my Day 1.
I think it is the right time to stop it.I can't be taking it any further with me.I have to make a difference.I just can't Have it.If I'm failing to stop it here same problem would be lingering in a couple of years in future.I have be fighting for almost 8 months ( 251th day today) with streaks 21,32,26,58 and then today back in brainfog,depression,anxiety and what not...

Today in nutshell
1) productive.
2) A little bit of brain fog later in the day.
3) No prayers,cold shower or walk...
4)Assertion:I want nothing but freedom from PMO.
 
Day 2 done with verve and ease and Day 3 in progress.It is the last resort at which I am today.
Update:01:11pm,Β€ Sometimes life seems very difficult but it is to be lived,not to be spared in a mid way.Life is to dealt with every day so is fighting against pmo.I think there is a direct relationship between number of days I am sober and quality of living.
#Day@3.
 
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Artemus

Active Member
Day 2 done with verve and ease and Day 3 in progress.It is the last resort at which I am today.
Update:01:11pm,Β€ Sometimes life seems very difficult but it is to be lived,not to be spared in a mid way.Life is to dealt with every day so is fighting against pmo.I think there is a direct relationship between number of days I am sober and quality of living.
#Day@3.
I just came across your post/journal and wanted ask you a question or two. Why do you PMO? Are you stimulating this habit with other elements in your life, ie movies, TV, music, etc? Most of us tend to use PMO to medicate or soothe something in our lives that causes us stress, so we escape with PMO. We inadvertently train ourselves that if we view porn we will also get a sexual release, this creates a loop of positive reinforcement and effectively we built a habit for soothing ourselves. Its the perfect storm of a partner who never says no or judges you, combined with the removal of all inhibitions. But it isnt real and hampers our IRL relationships too. I've never known anyone on here to escape the habit of PMO permanently through shear will power, because unless we understand our motives for what we are doing and replace that unwanted behavior with another positively reinforced action, it will simply lay there waiting for a weak moment to seek fulfillment and then you relapse. Its good to know the science behind some of our triggers like "Delta Fos-B", but that alone isn't enough. So, we must first determine, "why we PMO?" Then we can set about building a better habit to replace it, otherwise just trying to stare it down ends in frustration and disappointment with ourselves, which can be counter productive.
 
I just came across your post/journal and wanted ask you a question or two. Why do you PMO? Are you stimulating this habit with other elements in your life, ie movies, TV, music, etc? Most of us tend to use PMO to medicate or soothe something in our lives that causes us stress, so we escape with PMO. We inadvertently train ourselves that if we view porn we will also get a sexual release, this creates a loop of positive reinforcement and effectively we built a habit for soothing ourselves. Its the perfect storm of a partner who never says no or judges you, combined with the removal of all inhibitions. But it isnt real and hampers our IRL relationships too. I've never known anyone on here to escape the habit of PMO permanently through shear will power, because unless we understand our motives for what we are doing and replace that unwanted behavior with another positively reinforced action, it will simply lay there waiting for a weak moment to seek fulfillment and then you relapse. Its good to know the science behind some of our triggers like "Delta Fos-B", but that alone isn't enough. So, we must first determine, "why we PMO?" Then we can set about building a better habit to replace it, otherwise just trying to stare it down ends in frustration and disappointment with ourselves, which can be counter productive.
I agree with target and purpose based journey.
 
Day 4 (in progress).
Day 3 done and Day 4 in progress.Hope this ends freely and peacefully.I think it is necessary to say "it is over" to the things which lessen our potential.
Update: day 4 end has to pass through this battering night which has always contributed to my numbness.Also Today was highly lethargic.
 
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Day 5 ( in progress).
Day 4 was highly lethargic.It is now common to go through such worst times because of my frequent relapses.Low streaks are the biggest cause of lethargy.Due to workload of my job and the fear of impending Exams,Lethargy becomes all time high.Hope this Ends soon and I become more clearer.
Update: Today was an unproductive day.Didn't Prepared for my Exams.Mentally foggy.Deeply panicked.

Update: I know that it has been exactly 255th days since I Committed to do away with this habit and I surely believe it will be another 1000 days still in the trap if I didn't stopped relapsing.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
You are absolutely true about lethargy. It happens to me after binges and it can last even up to a week. And one thing I can say: that lethargic feeling sucks big time, especially when it's self-induced. At least if it happens on it's own (flatline), I can accept that. But knowing that I do it to myself... I won't ever go back to that shit. This can easily turn into a "Relapse-Restart" marathon for life if we are not careful. While the streak is ongoing, keep pushing through it. It's harder after relapses. I know what happens to me: I get a 21 days streak, I relapse, the my next streaks are 7 days, 5 days... I never had longer streaks back to back. To get to 5 weeks porn free (as of today), took me a couple of months or so.
 
Day 6🀐...
I
know that if I didn't stopped here I would end up in a great trouble.I have to conclude the previous phase of my life which had started unwittingly in the past.I can't carry this shit with me along my whole life.It is already 11+ years and if I didn't stopped it might get to another 20 years(Death preferrable to this).I have to inculcate upon myself the following quote" If I do what I have always done,i will get what i have always gotten.

Update: Today is highly lethargic....
 
Day 7.
I think I am in flatline since day 4.Which is really making me so much lethargic.I don't know why I involve myself in unending cycles of Relapse》 Restart》 Flatline 》 and Relapse.It has been going on since October last year.Why don't I Do Once for all thing which I did with breaking one of my habits.I fear if PMO remains here in my life from 22 to 29 to 39 to whatever😭 then death is better preferrable over such misery.I don't want to take it with me any longer.I want things to get over now.It is already 11 miserable years in the habit which has nearly destroyed me to the base.I don't want to destroy myself and my precious years.

I wonder!
😫What if I had never relapsed after starting this last year.I it would have been 257 days streak( nearly freedom).
😫What if 4@17 had been the last day of my miserable life.
😫What if it remained with me for ever😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Use this as a fuel, man. I know what you're saying. What you wrote there is something I would've written a month ago. I'm coming from a place like that, a place of despair where I thought I had no chance. The questions are: How will you avoid all the mistakes that have made you relapse, even the very small ones? How will you deal with porn thoughts/fantasies/flashbacks? How will you deal with urges? How will you get yourself out of that moment when the dopamine goes crazy and you are walking the thin line between the streak and the relapse? How will you deal with the sudden lack of self-medication? How will you find the drive to do this all the way to the end? How will you keep the determination at the same intensity? I asked myself those questions post-binge during a depressive episode. The thing is, if a serial relapser like me, with a weak mind, slave to self-medication and comfort zones all my life, could get to 5 weeks porn free, everybody can.
 
Use this as a fuel, man. I know what you're saying. What you wrote there is something I would've written a month ago. I'm coming from a place like that, a place of despair where I thought I had no chance. The questions are: How will you avoid all the mistakes that have made you relapse, even the very small ones? How will you deal with porn thoughts/fantasies/flashbacks? How will you deal with urges? How will you get yourself out of that moment when the dopamine goes crazy and you are walking the thin line between the streak and the relapse? How will you deal with the sudden lack of self-medication? How will you find the drive to do this all the way to the end? How will you keep the determination at the same intensity? I asked myself those questions post-binge during a depressive episode. The thing is, if a serial relapser like me, with a weak mind, slave to self-medication and comfort zones all my life, could get to 5 weeks porn free, everybody can.
Thanks for the motivation bro.
 
Day 8πŸ˜“.
One week gone another is in
So is good so is win...
Weeks after weeks are to be knitted together to get freedom.Freedom from everything,every shortcomings, and of course PMO.
 
Day 11( in progress)
I am numb these days,feeling totally emaciated.Clarity is just on it's way.At the moment nothing seems to console me.I am in need of Help.Having wasted 11+ years in this addiction,I can't be taking it beyond 22y2m.I Have to strangulate this habit at this point in my life once for all.If I happend to continue with it I will be as stagnant in future as I have felt till now.I have to return to myself.I have to bid goodbye to this agonious phase of my life.I have my life but to be regained!
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
 

CoolBreeze

Active Member
Day 12...
Can't be nullifying my own achievements.I want to get rid of this habit this time.
Hang in there. One day at a time. Whenever you think about PMO think about how it will be a death blow to your dick. Everyday you don't PMO you are recovering. Even when you feel emotionally like crap. You are recovering. Delete the social media apps that carry porn or porn subs.

Peace and Strength brother.
 
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