Hey guitar1968, I totally feel for you on all of this. Our sexuality can be so confusing and frustrating. I knew from an early age that I was attracted to men. Other than a few experiments with a neighbor boy of mine in my very early teens, I never touched a man till in my late 40's. But once I did I loved it and couldn't get enough... Led me too do things I'm not real proud of. As far as the gay porn, never really liked it. I watched straight porn 99.9% of the time...I guess I found the straight men hot...idk...I still to this day often crave to have sex with a woman again... It can be very confusing. Unlike you, I love kissing men..cuddling, whatever. Being with a man, sleeping in the same bed, showering together...all of it, I absolutely love it. But being gay isn't just about sex.. Just like any relationship, the connection has to be there. Physically and mentally... My partner is amazing..we connect so well, enjoy all the same things..we kayak, camp, hike, cook, decorate the house, shop... Everything.. It's wonderful being in love with your best friend. My marriage fell apart for many many reasons.. The last 10 years we were just roommates...I couldn't take it anymore and finally grew the balls to do something about it... It wasn't easy at all making the transition, coming out, kids, family. But once I finally met my partner and all the dust settled, I couldn't be happier. No regrets. Just follow your heart (not your dick) do what's best for you. Do what will make you the best man you can be. We all deserve to be happy, regardless of sexual preference... Hang in there bud.