Bouncingback2
Member
Where to begin …
well like everyone here I have an porn addiction and I’m desperately trying to recover and quit it.
I’m 33 years old, been addicted to porn from about the age of 12 and My sexual orientation is gay.my journey in porn began with soft core porn , mainly late night Tv shows , I also had couple of soft core magazines, I somehow managed to get hold of. When I was about 15 my family traded in our old 90’s style computer , think it was an Acorn ( showing my age now ) and we got a more modern Microsoft computer which came with high speed internet . This is when the addiction first escalated, and I would sneak down at night when my family was asleep and either watch porn or go on gay chat rooms and masturbate about 2/4 times a week.
Then when I was 19/20, phones really stepped their game up, I now had high speed internet at my finger tips and could watch porn in complete privacy.
I had a couple of partners in my twenties but looking back they weren’t serious mature relationships. I was a big party animal with a big friend group and would go out clubbing / drinking at least 3/4 times a week, and also taking party drugs. I had erection problems but convinced myself it was because of the party life and that every guy has these problems.
I was completely oblivious I had a porn addiction and it was actually brought to my attention by my ex rather than me discovering it. With my ex partner we had a non/existent sex life and I didn’t want one either, even though I had very strong feelings for this guy. So he used to ask a lot am I cheating etc and was convinced I was. He must not have believed my answers, as one night when I was asleep he went through my phone, he didn’t find any messages as I was t cheating , However he found my porn history.
He woke me up and confronted me, I was massively in denial at first, I had honestly never heard of Porn addiction and I wasn’t aware I had a problem. He showed me a couple of weeks of my internet history, and there was hundreds of porn websites. I felt disgusted in myself, he agreed to stay with me if I gave porn up.
So I gave up porn, successfully, and did about 100 days and felt rewired. We didn’t have any physical contact during this recovery, as we felt this was the best thing to do . So I finally started to feel healthy and like me again and was ready to start having a healthy sexual relationship. He always found reasons to not want to have sex, I thought maybe he just disgusted with me and wasn’t ready yet. During my reboot him and one of my friends became very close, I didn’t pay it much attention as was focusing on recovery and couldn’t give him my full attention, so thought it was good that had my friend to turn to and spend time with.
Eventually he admitted him and my friend were having an affair and he left me for him. I felt crushed, however I didn’t turn back to porn for some reason, which is good.
So because we shared some of the same friends the break up became quite messy, on a complete whim one day I had enough and looked at jobs abroad, I found a club rep job in Greece and the start date was in 2 weeks, I signed up got an interview the next day and got the job. I just needed to get away.
I had an amazing time as rep and did it for a couple of years, however there wasn’t really any other openly gay men, and I didn’t have any healthy relationships whilst out there, I went back into the party lifestyle, the internet connection was really bad so didn’t get back into porn but I did however start masturbating a couple times a day again and had several unhealthy sexual encounters. I won’t say too much as don’t want to add any triggers to anyone reading this, but they were not healthy positive encounters, and I feel very ashamed of them now. This has made me realise in my own personal journey with porn, I wasn’t just addicted to porn I had also become addicted to masturbating and a fetish for non traditional sexual encounters with types of men I normally find repulsive.
I came home after a couple of years and got straight back into porn. Not long after being home I meet a guy and it was going well , he hadn’t long came out the closet and wasn’t ready for a sexual relationship, but we still became boyfriends, which was perfect for me as I then had time to tackle this addiction again, so I didn’t tell him about my issues as didn’t want to scare him of, and began another reboot , everything was going well ( I thought lol ) I started to fall for this guy , it was the first time I had romantic feelings to be completely honest . But we hadn’t had any sexual encounters yet, just kissing cuddling lots of dates , I was feeling so good about myself. I had also stopped the party life style , didn’t take drugs anymore . So we dated about 6 months. Then on New Year’s Day , he said the dreaded …. We need to talk sentence . He told me he’s not feeling it with me , doesn’t feel attracted to me what so ever and never really has , he said I was the second guy he went on a date with and was new to all this and just kinda got sucked into it and it all went too quick for him and he didn’t know how to get out of it without hurting my feelings . Well my feelings were hurt , very badly , he said he loved my personality but felt I wasn’t very attractive or good looking and definitely not his type.
Anyways it naturally ended that day and we haven’t spoken since, that was about six years ago.
It completely destroyed me to be honest and I’ve not dated any guys since and hardly any sexual encounters, it destroyed my confidence and my trust and it’s never recovered.After this I threw myself into porn , I’ve been watching it pretty much everyday for the last six years sometimes as much as up to 15/20 times a day , these were the really bad porn binging days though by the way. But it was always at least 3 or 4 times a day.
so six years have gone past, and I’ve really let myself go, I meet with my mate and she told me about my ex ( the one from six years ago who kind of trigged this whole six year extreme porn binge) and she told me he was now married with a man and they have just adopted a kid.
It really affected me , not because of him , as I am over that jerk , but it really put it into perspective how much that whole situation affected me and that he obviously moved on and was fine whereas six years later I was at home with my parents not much money, job I hated etc , it was a massive wake up call and I finally realised I had never conquered this addiction and I was in shit deep !! Not just with the addiction but with life in general. So for the last year I’ve been putting steps in place , I’ve been saving money , I’ve gone back to college to get my A levels and hope to go to university next year. These changes have helped … however not managed to conquer the dragon that is porn addiction , I’ve been trying for a year and can only manage few days max . then last week I had another of a bit of a wake up call , I failed an exam I had at college , I got every question wrong , I had to resist it 3 times. My lecturer then told me had finally passed , but only just. She told me I’m failing and really need to improve otherwise I just won’t pass the course and won’t be able to go to university next year. Soooo naturally I felt anxious, emotional etc so what did I do ? Turned to my comfort blanket and went home and had a massive porn binge.
afterwards I felt awful and very disappointed and disgusted in myself . It really dawned on me not only had porn affected my life in the way of relationships and work life etc it had also affected my memory and concentration, and if I didn’t pull myself together and get my shit together and quit porn then what was the point of putting these other steps in place to improve my life like university, as I’ll never be able to do it and give it my full attention whilst I’m addicted to porn. so on with the positive , I’m fully chucking myself into giving up this time, I realised I never fully tried the other 100 times. As I now know it’s much more than just not watching porn, it’s a lifestyle change. I’m eating healthier ( I’m not joking honestly not had a peice of fruit or veg in months) I’m spending most of my free time studying , trying to stay of my phone , talking to friends more , and the biggest step is I’ve read up on all the information I can find about porn addiction … and joined this forum , I’ve seen this forum over the years but always been to nervous to join.To be honest I still feel nervous joining and very nervous about posting my story, but I realised this a good platform to connect with others who are going through this.
so I’m currently on day 5 , feel very positive and motivated this time round , more than I have in the past ( probably the peice of fruit I finally ate yesterday lol ).Im honestly not expecting any replies , it’s just therapeutic finally putting this all into words. But would be great to talk to anyone and hear advice etc. Anyways if you made it this far thanks for reading and best of luck to everyone !!
well like everyone here I have an porn addiction and I’m desperately trying to recover and quit it.
I’m 33 years old, been addicted to porn from about the age of 12 and My sexual orientation is gay.my journey in porn began with soft core porn , mainly late night Tv shows , I also had couple of soft core magazines, I somehow managed to get hold of. When I was about 15 my family traded in our old 90’s style computer , think it was an Acorn ( showing my age now ) and we got a more modern Microsoft computer which came with high speed internet . This is when the addiction first escalated, and I would sneak down at night when my family was asleep and either watch porn or go on gay chat rooms and masturbate about 2/4 times a week.
Then when I was 19/20, phones really stepped their game up, I now had high speed internet at my finger tips and could watch porn in complete privacy.
I had a couple of partners in my twenties but looking back they weren’t serious mature relationships. I was a big party animal with a big friend group and would go out clubbing / drinking at least 3/4 times a week, and also taking party drugs. I had erection problems but convinced myself it was because of the party life and that every guy has these problems.
I was completely oblivious I had a porn addiction and it was actually brought to my attention by my ex rather than me discovering it. With my ex partner we had a non/existent sex life and I didn’t want one either, even though I had very strong feelings for this guy. So he used to ask a lot am I cheating etc and was convinced I was. He must not have believed my answers, as one night when I was asleep he went through my phone, he didn’t find any messages as I was t cheating , However he found my porn history.
He woke me up and confronted me, I was massively in denial at first, I had honestly never heard of Porn addiction and I wasn’t aware I had a problem. He showed me a couple of weeks of my internet history, and there was hundreds of porn websites. I felt disgusted in myself, he agreed to stay with me if I gave porn up.
So I gave up porn, successfully, and did about 100 days and felt rewired. We didn’t have any physical contact during this recovery, as we felt this was the best thing to do . So I finally started to feel healthy and like me again and was ready to start having a healthy sexual relationship. He always found reasons to not want to have sex, I thought maybe he just disgusted with me and wasn’t ready yet. During my reboot him and one of my friends became very close, I didn’t pay it much attention as was focusing on recovery and couldn’t give him my full attention, so thought it was good that had my friend to turn to and spend time with.
Eventually he admitted him and my friend were having an affair and he left me for him. I felt crushed, however I didn’t turn back to porn for some reason, which is good.
So because we shared some of the same friends the break up became quite messy, on a complete whim one day I had enough and looked at jobs abroad, I found a club rep job in Greece and the start date was in 2 weeks, I signed up got an interview the next day and got the job. I just needed to get away.
I had an amazing time as rep and did it for a couple of years, however there wasn’t really any other openly gay men, and I didn’t have any healthy relationships whilst out there, I went back into the party lifestyle, the internet connection was really bad so didn’t get back into porn but I did however start masturbating a couple times a day again and had several unhealthy sexual encounters. I won’t say too much as don’t want to add any triggers to anyone reading this, but they were not healthy positive encounters, and I feel very ashamed of them now. This has made me realise in my own personal journey with porn, I wasn’t just addicted to porn I had also become addicted to masturbating and a fetish for non traditional sexual encounters with types of men I normally find repulsive.
I came home after a couple of years and got straight back into porn. Not long after being home I meet a guy and it was going well , he hadn’t long came out the closet and wasn’t ready for a sexual relationship, but we still became boyfriends, which was perfect for me as I then had time to tackle this addiction again, so I didn’t tell him about my issues as didn’t want to scare him of, and began another reboot , everything was going well ( I thought lol ) I started to fall for this guy , it was the first time I had romantic feelings to be completely honest . But we hadn’t had any sexual encounters yet, just kissing cuddling lots of dates , I was feeling so good about myself. I had also stopped the party life style , didn’t take drugs anymore . So we dated about 6 months. Then on New Year’s Day , he said the dreaded …. We need to talk sentence . He told me he’s not feeling it with me , doesn’t feel attracted to me what so ever and never really has , he said I was the second guy he went on a date with and was new to all this and just kinda got sucked into it and it all went too quick for him and he didn’t know how to get out of it without hurting my feelings . Well my feelings were hurt , very badly , he said he loved my personality but felt I wasn’t very attractive or good looking and definitely not his type.
Anyways it naturally ended that day and we haven’t spoken since, that was about six years ago.
It completely destroyed me to be honest and I’ve not dated any guys since and hardly any sexual encounters, it destroyed my confidence and my trust and it’s never recovered.After this I threw myself into porn , I’ve been watching it pretty much everyday for the last six years sometimes as much as up to 15/20 times a day , these were the really bad porn binging days though by the way. But it was always at least 3 or 4 times a day.
so six years have gone past, and I’ve really let myself go, I meet with my mate and she told me about my ex ( the one from six years ago who kind of trigged this whole six year extreme porn binge) and she told me he was now married with a man and they have just adopted a kid.
It really affected me , not because of him , as I am over that jerk , but it really put it into perspective how much that whole situation affected me and that he obviously moved on and was fine whereas six years later I was at home with my parents not much money, job I hated etc , it was a massive wake up call and I finally realised I had never conquered this addiction and I was in shit deep !! Not just with the addiction but with life in general. So for the last year I’ve been putting steps in place , I’ve been saving money , I’ve gone back to college to get my A levels and hope to go to university next year. These changes have helped … however not managed to conquer the dragon that is porn addiction , I’ve been trying for a year and can only manage few days max . then last week I had another of a bit of a wake up call , I failed an exam I had at college , I got every question wrong , I had to resist it 3 times. My lecturer then told me had finally passed , but only just. She told me I’m failing and really need to improve otherwise I just won’t pass the course and won’t be able to go to university next year. Soooo naturally I felt anxious, emotional etc so what did I do ? Turned to my comfort blanket and went home and had a massive porn binge.
afterwards I felt awful and very disappointed and disgusted in myself . It really dawned on me not only had porn affected my life in the way of relationships and work life etc it had also affected my memory and concentration, and if I didn’t pull myself together and get my shit together and quit porn then what was the point of putting these other steps in place to improve my life like university, as I’ll never be able to do it and give it my full attention whilst I’m addicted to porn. so on with the positive , I’m fully chucking myself into giving up this time, I realised I never fully tried the other 100 times. As I now know it’s much more than just not watching porn, it’s a lifestyle change. I’m eating healthier ( I’m not joking honestly not had a peice of fruit or veg in months) I’m spending most of my free time studying , trying to stay of my phone , talking to friends more , and the biggest step is I’ve read up on all the information I can find about porn addiction … and joined this forum , I’ve seen this forum over the years but always been to nervous to join.To be honest I still feel nervous joining and very nervous about posting my story, but I realised this a good platform to connect with others who are going through this.
so I’m currently on day 5 , feel very positive and motivated this time round , more than I have in the past ( probably the peice of fruit I finally ate yesterday lol ).Im honestly not expecting any replies , it’s just therapeutic finally putting this all into words. But would be great to talk to anyone and hear advice etc. Anyways if you made it this far thanks for reading and best of luck to everyone !!