What you give is what you get (I went 580 days. Relapsed. Finally back on track.

[Emptyroom]

I seem to always be going one step forward and then right back again. I just MO:d to an erotic novell this was after an hour of urges. It was an awful novel. I was really close to looking at pictures. I feel a little bad about my actions now. It is easy to talk the talk another thing completely to walk the walk. Some people would probably consider this a relapse but my definition of relapse is PMO, that means videos/pictures. Still this is a setback for sure. A good thing is that I am taking the train to my family to celebrate Christmas tomorrow so I will be in a new environment for a week. I am grateful for my blockers that stopped me from doing anything even worse. Still, I should put some more responsibility for my actions on myself.
I should listen to myself and the people that write to me more. I really don't want more incidents like this.

 

[Phineas 808]

I do not agree that it isn't important to find out where the uncomfortable/sad feeling that could lead to P comes from. On the contrary, I think that it is very important to think about what the trigger was unless it is obvious. If you find the emotional need then you can fill that need in a positive way or see the truth of the situation and maybe laugh about it and diminish it. I think it is always better to have an understanding of what is going on in your mind. That makes things much easier to handle. It is better to put water on the base of the fire than to just sit with the flames. Although I agree that it is important to just "sit with it" but one shouldn't make it harder than it has to be.

I do agree with this, also, lol...! This would be akin to CBT (Cogntive Behavioral Therapy). I'll do both for myself, whatever the demands of the battlefield are. If it's better for me to ignore whatever the source, I will; but if it's something I ought to discover, put the fire out at the base as you put it, then I'll do that.

Sometimes, I think, at least for myself, it's more profitable if I just keep going and not entangle myself with the why's. But you're right, too, it's always better to know if you can. Ignorance is never a good thing. However, some things we know immediately, intuitively, or from experience. Or, is the 'search' an excuse sometimes to react to the urges, and hence feed them?

Some thoughts to kick around, brother.

 

[Phineas 808]

I seem to always be going one step forward and then right back again. I just MO:d to an erotic novell this was after an hour of urges. It was an awful novel. I was really close to looking at pictures. I feel a little bad about my actions now. It is easy to talk the talk another thing completely to walk the walk. Some people would probably consider this a relapse but my definition of relapse is PMO, that means videos/pictures. Still this is a setback for sure. A good thing is that I am taking the train to my family to celebrate Christmas tomorrow so I will be in a new environment for a week. I am grateful for my blockers that stopped me from doing anything even worse. Still, I should put some more responsibility for my actions on myself.
I should listen to myself and the people that write to me more. I really don't want more incidents like this.

Sorry for this, brother. Treat it as a mere slip, and keep going! You're doing better than you realize!

It did, however, remind me of some of my behavior if I'm acting out. I used to look for such novels in the library, and hoped there were pictures, lol...! I would, for myself, simply call them p-subs. Like yourself, that wouldn't constitute a 'reset' for me either. But, it would alert me toward more serious behavior if left unchecked.

Have a Happy Christmas!

 

[Kraken]

Hey Emptyroom!

I found your story very relatable. Continue to be kind to yourself and continue making progress. Over 500 days is amazing and the progress isn't lost.

-squid

 

[Emptyroom]

Day 119. Wednesday 22/12
I made all of my goals today.

Goal 1. Meditated twice (15 minutes each time)
Goal 2. I went up at 7 AM
Goal 3. I worked on my assignment for about one hour.
Goal 4. I read a book for one hour!
Goal 5. Wrote for 15 minutes
Goal 6. I didn't watch YT

I want to thank the people that have written to me. You are great people!

 

[Emptyroom]

Day 120. Thursday 23/12

Goal 1. Meditated twice (5 min and 10 min)
Goal 2. Did not go up at 7 am because I gave myself a break (celebrated Christmas early this year).
Goal 3. Did not work on assignment today because I celebrated Christmas.
Goal 4. I read a book for one hour. I continued to read A Christmas carol despite what I wrote before and it was a good read.
Goal 5. I did write for 15 minutes!
Goal 6. Completed! Did not watch YT

 

[Emptyroom]

Day 121. Friday 24/12

Goal 1. Meditated twice
Goal 2. Not completed. Slept until 9 today (because it is Christmas eve)
Goal 3. Did not work on the assignment today (because it is Christmas eve)
Goal 4. I read books for one hour.
Goal 5. I did write for 15 minutes
Goal 6. Completed. Did not watch YT

 

[Emptyroom]

How did I do this week?
Very good!

Goals	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday
Meditate twice 100%	Completed	Completed	Completed	Completed	Completed
Get up at 7 AM 60% (by choice)	Completed	Completed	Completed	-	-
Work on assignment for 1 hour 60% (by choice)	Completed	Completed	Completed	-	-
Read for fun for 1 hour 80%	Completed	-	Completed	Completed	Completed
Write creatively for 15 minutes 100%	Completed	Completed	Completed	Completed	Completed
Don't watch YT 100%	Completed	Completed	Completed	Completed	Completed

I was a lot better with the meditation this week than last week. Last week it was only 70%. and I meditated for longer periods of time this week.
Last week I only made one of my goals 100%. This week I managed to do that with three goals! I finished "a Christmas story"!
I was better at getting up at 7 AM last week but I gave myself a break this week because of Christmas.

I don't know what I think about the goal I had about writing creatively for 15 minutes. I did it but I'm not sure what the purpose was. A first step of becoming a writer? The products now where very random and fragmented. Maybe the next step would be to work for 15 minutes every day on a short story.

 

[cookiemonster]

How did I do this week?
Very good!

Goals	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday
Meditate twice 100%	Completed	Completed	Completed	Completed	Completed
Get up at 7 AM 60% (by choice)	Completed	Completed	Completed	-	-
Work on assignment for 1 hour 60% (by choice)	Completed	Completed	Completed	-	-
Read for fun for 1 hour 80%	Completed	-	Completed	Completed	Completed
Write creatively for 15 minutes 100%	Completed	Completed	Completed	Completed	Completed
Don't watch YT 100%	Completed	Completed	Completed	Completed	Completed

I was a lot better with the meditation this week than last week. Last week it was only 70%. and I meditated for longer periods of time this week.
Last week I only made one of my goals 100%. This week I managed to do that with three goals!
I was better at getting up at 7 AM last week but I gave myself a break this week because of Christmas.

Man you've got a full table going on here haha. Cool

 

[Emptyroom]

Day 122 (25/12)

Things are good.
I have been thinking of my goals for next week:
These are my goals:
Goal 1: Meditate 3 times every day of the week (at least 5 minutes)
Goal 2: Get up at 7 AM
Goal 3: Work on assignment for 1 hour every day
Goal 4: read literature for 2 hours every day.
Goal 5: Read other students essays for half an hour every day.
Goal 6: Spend 15 minutes actively listening to music.
Goal 7: Work on a short story for 15 minutes every day.
Goal 8: Don't watch YT

I wonder if these goals are too many.

15x3+60+120+30+15+15 min = 4 hours and 45 minutes of my day. That seems reasonable. I wont have any classes next week and if I get up at 7 AM I could be done before lunch.

 

[og123xx]

Day 122 (25/12)

Things are good.
I have been thinking of my goals for next week:
These are my goals:
Goal 1: Meditate 3 times every day of the week (at least 5 minutes)
Goal 2: Get up at 7 AM
Goal 3: Work on assignment for 1 hour every day
Goal 4: read literature for 2 hours every day.
Goal 5: Read other students essays for half an hour every day.
Goal 6: Spend 15 minutes actively listening to music.
Goal 7: Work on a short story for 15 minutes every day.
Goal 8: Don't watch YT

I wonder if these goals are too many.

15x3+60+120+30+15+15 min = 4 hours and 45 minutes of my day. That seems reasonable. I wont have any classes next week and if I get up at 7 AM I could be done before lunch.

I like that you've been setting yourself goals mate. I don't want to give you direct advice as I don't know your circumstances but although productivity makes you feel amazing, be careful you are not in the trap of being perfectionistic and putting too much pressure on yourself - you may burn out. It happened to me as I act like nothing is ever enough when I'm actually doing pretty good. Looks like you're doing really good already, so keep it up.

 

[Emptyroom]

Day 124.

Last night I was up very late. I went to bed at about 3 AM. I was up edging and MO:ing to YT-videos and erotic novels. Basically a relapse but I didn't watch any nudity or sex-acts. I have been thinking about if I should call this a relapse and reset my counter. What I have decided is that I will not call this a relapse because I wouldn't define what I watched as P in the ordinary sense BUT from this point forward If I do this again, I will consider it a relapse and I will reset my counter. If I chose to do this again I will reset my counter to zero.

Because I went to bed so late it messed up my second goal (to get up at 7 AM). Instead I woke up at 12.30 PM.

That was the bad things about this day now for the good things:

I managed to complete or almost complete all of my goals except waking up at 7 AM.

Goal 1. I meditated 3 times.
Goal 2. I didn't get up at 7 AM. I'm going to bed early today to make it easier for myself tomorrow.
Goal 3. I worked on my assignment for 1 hour.
Goal 4. I read for two hours.
Goal 5. I read in some essays but the point of this goal was sort of to think about what I will write about in my essay so I spent half the time thinking about what I want to write about instead. This goal should be changed to "Prepare by reading and thinking about what to write about for my essay" or something like that. Or maybe I should remove it completely from my goal-list but still try to do it.
Goal 6. I concentrated on listening to music for 15 minutes. It was great!
Goal 7. I worked on a short story for 15 minutes.
Goal 8. 1/(2 completed (I watched YT during the night but not during the day.

I like that you've been setting yourself goals mate. I don't want to give you direct advice as I don't know your circumstances but although productivity makes you feel amazing, be careful you are not in the trap of being perfectionistic and putting too much pressure on yourself - you may burn out. It happened to me as I act like nothing is ever enough when I'm actually doing pretty good. Looks like you're doing really good already, so keep it up.

Thank you very much for this comment og123xx. I really have to be careful about this. I try to be flexible and I'm trying to allow myself to not do my best every day but I needed to be reminded about not putting to much pressure on myself. Thanks!

 

[Phineas 808]

Last night I was up very late. I went to bed at about 3 AM. I was up edging and MO:ing to YT-videos and erotic novels. Basically a relapse but I didn't watch any nudity or sex-acts. I have been thinking about if I should call this a relapse and reset my counter. What I have decided is that I will not call this a relapse because I wouldn't define what I watched as P in the ordinary sense BUT from this point forward If I do this again, I will consider it a relapse and I will reset my counter. If I chose to do this again I will reset my counter to zero.

Hi, Josef!

Which ever way will help you to either regain control or to refocus on your overall goals. If passing over the 'middle-circle' behaviors helps to regain control versus resetting, do that. If you reset (like you said, should this recur) at a future similar episode, if that helps to refocus, regain control, go for it.

Whatever will help you to make those committed and purposeful changes, do that. I certainly get this place...., and hope the best for you.

 

[Emptyroom]

Day 125.
I completed all of my goals today! Great work!

Goal 1. I meditated three times (15 minutes each time)
Goal 2. I did get up at 7 am and stay up!
Goal 3. I worked on my assignment for 1 hour.
Goal 4. I read for two hours.
Goal 5. I read and thought about my essay.
Goal 6. I listened to music for 15 minutes.
Goal 7. I watched a YT-video about how to write good short stories for 15 minutes.
Goal 8. I didn't watch YT.
The two goals above seem to be contradicting each other. But when I say that I don't want to watch YT I mean zapping around aimlessly or just for fun. There is a difference between that and looking up something in particular to help me with some goal I have. So YT at some level is okay for me as long as it has a clear purpose and use doesn't spire out of control or become too excessive.

I did all goals and had still time to do other things today. I'm really beginning to enjoy my goal about reading for two hours. I am a bit tempted to watch YT for "fun" (for the sake of wasting time), but I feel that It isn't worth the risk of me looking up something inappropriate.

I have to try to remember the pain and anxiety that P has caused me and the amount of life it has taken away from me. I am slowly regaining my life as I'm now rehabilitating myself. P is like an abusive partner that I have kept returning to but It is over now. I have stopped abusing myself and it is time to move on. New habits will grow, bad ones will fall away and I will grow to be my real self. The me that I want to be.

 

[Emptyroom]

Day 126.
I did not complete all of my goals today. I woke up very late and I did not feel that productive. I took the advice from og123xx and decided to not be a perfectionist. I don't have to do my very best every day. I did good enough today anyway.
Goal 1. I meditated 3 times (5, 10 and 5 min)
Goal 2. I did not wake up at 7 am. I woke up at 11 am.
Goal 3. Competed! I worked on my assignment for 1 hour! Great!
Goal 4. 1/2 complete. I read for 1 hour which is good!
Goal 5. I didn't read but I had a long phone conversation about it with my friend and I think that is good enough.
Goal 6. I did not actively listen to music for 15 minutes but I played music on my instrument.
Goal 7. I did not work on a short story but I thought a bit about it during a walk outside.
Goal 8: I watched some YT for fun. It felt like I had control over my behaviour.

This was a good day. I had a very nice conversation with an old friend.
I took a walk outside in the cold where I felt unusually present. It feels very good that I managed to complete goal 3. It felt like I really made some progress in my understanding of what I'm doing.

I started the day with sewing/mending a peace of clothing that got torn yesterday. I felt sad when it got torn but I feel proud today that I managed to fix it and that I had the energy to do it.

 

[Emptyroom]

Day 127. 30/12 Thursday.
I did not complete all of my goals today! I spent too much time on YT last night. I watched entertaining videos and I lost control over that but somehow I didn't have any urges to watch something that I would regret. In any case, I woke up very late today. I went up at about twelve. I forgive myself because this is supposed to be my week off. It was a melancholy but nice day. I saw and played instruments with an old friend. He has become quite old and he feels that he can't play like he used to. He feels that his old hands are failing him. The theme of this day has been "things coming to an end": I heard that a friend of mines' dog died today. I am almost finished watching a series that I have been watching and enjoyed. My week off is almost over. The year is just about over. In the dark evening, I walked through the town I grew up in. Stores have been closed and new stores have replaced them. It feels more like a small town to me than ever before. Life is change.

I completed some goals and I am happy about that!

Goal 1. Completed! Meditated 3 times.
Goal 2. Not completed.
Goal 3. Completed! Worked on my assignment for 1 hour! Wonderful!
Goal 4. 1/2 completed. Read for 1 hour.That is still very good!
Goal 5. Not completed
Goal 6. Completed!
Goal 7. Not completed.
Goal 8. Not completed.

I will be more productive next week! I will set an alarm tomorrow so I will go to bed shortly. I will not let the same thing that happened yesterday happen today!
Take care and thanks for reading!
/Empty

 

[Emptyroom]

Day 128. Friday 31/12
Only completed one goal today.
Goal 3: Worked on my assignment for 1 hour. Great! That was the most important goal I feel!
This was my last day in my hometown with my family before I'll take the train home. I have mixed feelings about leaving but I have to and want to get back home. Travelling is always stressful for me though. At least in the morning.
I have been reading in an old diary of mine from 2017. I wrote about a lot of the things that still is on my mind today. I wrote about this journey and about my worries about the future and about goals and ambitions.Trying to fill my days with positive things. I haven't changed that much but I feel like I am less neurotic now and a bit less worried about life. I am convinced that my well-being is a lot better now than it was in 2017. I hope that 2022 will be a good year for me.
I have to go to bed now.

Happy new year everybody!

/Empty

 

[Emptyroom]

Day 129 Saturday

How successful was I in implementing my goals this week?

I did a lot this week. I where more successful implementing some goals than others. The first two days went great but then I started to gradually lose my flow.

Goals	Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday
Meditate 3 times a day 80% Completed	Completed	Completed	Completed	Completed	Not completed
Get up at 7 AM 20% Completed	Not completed	Completed	Not completed	Not completed	Not completed
Work on my assignment for 1 hour 100% Completed	Completed	Completed	Completed	Completed	Completed
read for 2 hours 60% Completed	Completed	Completed	1/2 Completed	1/2 Completed	Not completed
Read and think about future rapport. 40% Completed	Completed	Completed	Not completed	Not completed	Not completed
Listen actively to music for 15 minutes 40% Completed	Completed	Completed	Not completed	Not completed	Not completed
Work on writing a short story for 15 minutes 40% Completed	Completed	Completed	Not completed	Not completed	Not completed
Don't watch YT 40% Completed	Completed	Completed	Not completed	Not completed	Not completed

What interests me more than what went right right now is what went wrong.
I think I had too many goals every day. I should have a maximum of five goals everyday in the future. It is not that I think that the goals where too hard. I think it becomes stressful to think about goals the entire day no matter how hard they are. I think that a key to making more goals is completing the goal of getting up at 7 AM. If I don't do that it becomes harder to get the energy to complete the other goals.
I think that the point of having goals should be to create habits. One should not create to many habits at once. Slow and steady wins the race.
I should have some goals and some things that I just do because I feel like doing them. I should ask myself: do I feel like writing for 15 minutes today and then act according to how I feel. It is good to have a list of possible activities that are optional.

I'm thinking about my goals for next week.
I'm thinking my goals will be:
1. Get up at 7 AM (This will be hard again now but If I get up and splash water in my face, it will become easier again in a few days.
2. Work on assignment for 1 hour every day.
3. Read for 1 or 2 hours every day
4. Meditate twice for at least 5 minutes every day.

I will just have these 4 goals for now. I would like to add a goal about exercise but I will save that for next week. I will give myself the option to exercise this week but I will not make it a daily goal this week.

 

[Phineas 808]

Slow and steady wins the race.
I should have some goals and some things that I just do because I feel like doing them. I should ask myself: do I feel like writing for 15 minutes today and then act according to how I feel. It is good to have a list of possible activities that are optional.

I like that, 'Slow and steady wins the race.'

Yeah, just make them fun for yourself somehow, and don't overwhelm yourself with too many tasks. It's so commendable what you're doing, though!

 

[Emptyroom]

I like that, 'Slow and steady wins the race.'

Yeah, just make them fun for yourself somehow, and don't overwhelm yourself with too many tasks. It's so commendable what you're doing, though!

Thank you Phineas! I value your inputs on my posts! I hope things are going well for you!