Rock Bottom...

SLT1978

Member
Afternoon everyone...

So, I'm back again and this time I feel like I'm at rock bottom. I've completed day 1 of what is going to be a very long and stressful journey but this time I have decided this is it - no more. I've posted sporadically on this site about my struggles with this addiction but it seems that the end of 2021 is when I've hit rock bottom. I'm disgusted with myself and am in serious significant debt from using cam sites. I am at my overdraft limit, I am maxed out on two credit cards and I am in the midst of paying off a loan I took out two years ago to pay for something else. I have no money to pay my tax bill and I have nobody that I can talk to about this.

I'm married, two kids, wider family. I spoke to one member of my family about this 2.5 years ago but that conversation has stopped and am alone again in trying to deal with this. I've previously had counselling/therapy but that stopped during the first Covid lockdown in the UK and I haven't been back. I'm not sure why - I think it's probably that by going back its admitting to failing at this.

My wife found out about my porn addiction about five years ago. However, she didn't know about my webcam use. I started counselling in 2017 for three years but continued to use porn and cams during this time. There was a period at the start where I had no use for about 8 weeks but then it slowly, insidiously started creeping back in.

I don't know how I go about talking to my family about this. How have others talked to their family about this and what has the fallout been? I want to open up to my wife but know that my marriage will be over. I could speak to my wider family but know that they will want me to speak to my wife about this as well. I don't know where to turn and the more depressed I get about this, the more likely I am to use porn/cam sites to escape from the reality that is my life.

Help me....
 

Richard44

Member
Well I did not stop it either and guess what I lost her. So do not be like me mate. If you love her more then porn just stop. You can read my thread to see what i did and what helps me.

Hope you figure it out man.
 
Rock bottom is the best place to start. You can see what you've lost. You have everything to gain, and destructive habits to lose. You can see clearly. A firm "No" to any and all temptations, bolstered by anger and recognition of the monster rising within - you must send it back to its hiding place - every time. YOU are in control, not it. Use your despair and dismay to fuel your bootstrapping to your new, better life. Get mad at it. A few minutes' fleeting, ultimately destructive pleasure is not worth trading for your potential.
 

SLT1978

Member
I completed day two yesterday with some significant progress made. I spoke to the bank about my financial situation and they were really helpful. I’ve looked into contacting my counsellor again and trying again. Also looking in to ways of speaking to my family about this and getting their support.
2022 begins with a slightly more positive outlook…watch this space
 

SLT1978

Member
01/01/2022 - Day 3 completed. No intrusive thoughts. Went out for a long walk with the family and friends. Came home and put the Christmas decorations away.
On the surface, everything feels fine but there is just this constant uneasy feeling about being found out and the associated consequences. It’s not just my consequences that I’m worried about - it’s all my doing, my fault and I have to deal with that - it’s the wider implications for my wife and children. That’s a bigger concern. I’ve been wondering about making an appointment to see my GP and discussing with them? Maybe starting on some anti-depressants if that would help?
 
Hey- I have done the whole anti-depressant thing and I don't think it will help. The side effects are no fun and the efficacy of the effect while it helps some is not too high. Let me suggest Dr. David Burns... he is a cognitive therapist with tools for overcoming addictions and bad habits. His stuff has worked pretty well for me so far...I am about 5 months in and feel like I have this thing kicked after years of struggle...54 years old. Not a fan of telling your wife either...mine would also leave. It is hard to kick it alone but it can be done. And, there is no need to inflict the pain on your spouse. It's not a major moral failure on your part rather you are trapped in a very well designed snare. You can get out and you will. Check out this link.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lF0g-F69MMU
 

SLT1978

Member
2nd January 2021 - I'm coming to the end of day 4 and writing this on a daily basis is seems to be working as some level of support and comfort. It seems to help putting my thoughts and feelings down in this thread. I want to try and keep it up for as long as possible.
Thanks Flattofine for your comments above and for the YouTube link/recommendation earlier today. I'll definitely watch and reflect.
So today has been a bit more difficult with lots of intrusive thoughts about what might happen from a familial perspective which has at times been distressing. However, I'm surrounded by my family at the moment due to it being New Year bank holiday weekend. The real acid test will be when I am back in work on Tuesday, on my own in my office.
The positive is that with all the stress/worry about my financial situation and family life, is that the temptation to use porn/cam sites is not there. However, I'm aware this may not last for long and will require strength and resolve to maintain it.
 

og123xx

Member
Rock bottom is the best place to start. You can see what you've lost. You have everything to gain, and destructive habits to lose. You can see clearly. A firm "No" to any and all temptations, bolstered by anger and recognition of the monster rising within - you must send it back to its hiding place - every time. YOU are in control, not it. Use your despair and dismay to fuel your bootstrapping to your new, better life. Get mad at it. A few minutes' fleeting, ultimately destructive pleasure is not worth trading for your potential.
I like the idea of using the dismay and all of the negative emotions to fight the urges
 

og123xx

Member
Hey- I have done the whole anti-depressant thing and I don't think it will help. The side effects are no fun and the efficacy of the effect while it helps some is not too high. Let me suggest Dr. David Burns... he is a cognitive therapist with tools for overcoming addictions and bad habits. His stuff has worked pretty well for me so far...I am about 5 months in and feel like I have this thing kicked after years of struggle...54 years old. Not a fan of telling your wife either...mine would also leave. It is hard to kick it alone but it can be done. And, there is no need to inflict the pain on your spouse. It's not a major moral failure on your part rather you are trapped in a very well designed snare. You can get out and you will. Check out this link.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lF0g-F69MMU
David burns is a genius, but I never knew he talked about addictions. Thanks for raising this!
 

SLT1978

Member
3rd Jan 2021 - Day 5 and the reboot/rewire continues. Another successful day in terms of not acting upon impulses and maintaining this streak. However, mind is consumed on thoughts relating to financial difficulties/worries and how to address these. Have spoken to the bank and will speak to debt relief charity in the coming days but tax problems are the biggest issue that remains. Not sure how to address this.
 
Hi guys, I am definitely at rock bottom here as well. On day 3 now with full resolve to stop. My wife is disgusted with me and I can't blame her. I confessed to using porn and masturbating yet again about 3 days ago, this is on top of worsening ED that I've been experiencing with her over the last couple years...and some lies re searching up social media 'soft porn' images. She hates me right now and I may lose her this time. In any case even if she does leave (which I desperately hope does not happen), I'm done. I've never taken this route ie going on forums, reading the science behind this issue, reading about success stories and failures. Also have put content blockers on my devices and will go to counselling regularly. I feel like a loser...45 years old and still doing this...but I guess kind of relieved in a way that I now have the tools and resolve to stop this cold. Anyway, for the early days at least I think an accountability partner would be helpful but not sure how to go about finding one. If anyone is interested let me know, or perhaps where I should look. Yes, I wonder if I shouldn't have told my wife, but I'm not sure I would have been so totally shaken up and depressed as I am now, to be so resolved to deal with this. I think the moment I realized I am really, REALLY an addict was the morning after our fight when I was totally devastated and depressed, I actually started looking at porn for a few minutes for comfort I guess and a way to escape for a bit...the very damn thing that has caused all my problems! I stopped watching, disgusted, and at that very moment started reading up properly about this issue, FOR REAL this time. I can't say enough how helpful it's been. Good luck to you all.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
@Nick Dillz Speaking with your wife is tough. I have walked through this journey and still walking through it with my wife. The initial disappointment is depressing and devastating as you mentioned. Give your wife some time and coming here has been helpful in my journey along with several other things that are in my journal. Good luck

@TNM1978SLT Sounds like you are on a good path. I think cleaning up this P Demon will clear your mind and allow you to focus on addressing your financial concerns. Sounds like you are doing the right things be reaching out for assistance and guidance in your finances.

Praying for you both!
 

SLT1978

Member
Day 6 - 4th Jan 2022
Thanks to @Nick Dillz and @JerryTX for the comments over the last 24 hours.
It’s been an interesting day today. I opened up to my wider family (parents and sibling) about my addiction and financial problems. It was emotional but all were really supportive and offered support, love and kindness which I have not given myself for a long long time.
I also spoke with someone from sex addicts anonymous UK who suggested attending some meetings for support. It felt good just reach out and speak with someone who knew what I was going through.
Feeling exhausted from it all but with a new found sense of purpose and determination. I’m going to be the person I’ve longed to be for many years. I can do this.
 
@JerryTX Thanks for your reply and encouragement. Glad to hear you and your wife are working through this. I have yet to really have a conversation with my wife about this latest relapse but I'm confident we will work through this, perhaps wishful thinking but fingers crossed. I'm giving her time and some space.

@SLT1978 Thats great, congrats on day 6 and being able to get support from your family. To my impression so far, having positive support and encouragement is half the battle. Financial issues have solutions, with time and a little discipline. Keep talking things out, all this will pass with time once you cultivate good habits.
 

SLT1978

Member
5th Jan 2022 - Day 7
First time in a long time that I’ve reached seven days with no acting out. Busy and productive day at work, supportive messages from parents. Feeling positive. Long May it continue…
 

SLT1978

Member
06/01/2022 Day 8 - another day completed. Feeling good. Spoke again with parents. Very supportive and putting strategies in place to help me try and manage this. Writing this every night is helping too as this would be the time I would sit and start scrolling through different sites etc. This feels more productive and a better use of my time. It’s helpful putting thoughts and feelings down here on a daily basis. I’m under no illusion it’s going to be easy but want to be prepared when familiar feelings and temptations arise…
 

og123xx

Member
06/01/2022 Day 8 - another day completed. Feeling good. Spoke again with parents. Very supportive and putting strategies in place to help me try and manage this. Writing this every night is helping too as this would be the time I would sit and start scrolling through different sites etc. This feels more productive and a better use of my time. It’s helpful putting thoughts and feelings down here on a daily basis. I’m under no illusion it’s going to be easy but want to be prepared when familiar feelings and temptations arise…
This is gonna help you grow so much more man!
 
Congrats on day 8 @SLT1978, that's great. Day 6 here, doing ok. Still feeling shocked and down over the drama this has created between me and my wife, but feeling positive for the future as I don't think she will leave me (unless I slip up), and I have never taken the measures I currently am to deal with the addiction. Haven't been tempted at all so far but I know they will arise in the future and am now equipped to deal with that. I'm sorry it took this long to get here, but it is what it is, and the only conceivable way to go from here is up. Have a good day everyone.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
You got this. I've been there before, spending money I didn't have, and behind my girlfriend's back, to pay for webcams and shit, and it's a humbling experience. Even if all goes to hell, you're a hero for finally being honest with yourself and your loved ones. Keep up the fight. Truth is beauty. Stay in the truth.
 

SLT1978

Member
Day 9 - 07/01/22
A delay in writing this entry for which I am sorry. However, Friday was still a good day. Productive day at work and then went to the cinema in the evening. Had a few thoughts throughout the day but didn’t act on those impulses/urges and managed to distract myself and throw myself into my work. Going to continue this diary here as it’s helping me.
 
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