I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

Phineas 808

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Staff member
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I feel you, man. I've written something similar in my journal. I don't know if "something to click" really exists, I think we fight this second by second, living in the moment and trying to disrupt the repetitive nature of this habit. We need to do things differently and break those patterns. How do you relapse? What's the repetitive thing in your way of relapsing and what can you do about it? It could be a thought pattern. In many cases a relapse starts in the mind long before it actually happens and it could be repetitive, starting the same thought pattern that leads to relapsing.

I've found (and continue to find) that it's a series of 'clicks' or 'aha moments' that motivate us, and help us to navigate this thing. This is why reading up on different approaches is so paramount, because you just might find that key that will fuel your current efforts.

And you're right about finding that repetitive behavior that is part of one's ritual, disrupting that consistently, as a way of breaking up the habitual patterns.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Been a long time (looks like about a month), but I have some good news: I did manage my longest streak in quite a while, about 14 days, until I broke it yesterday. It's funny, when I'm able to hold off, it feels nearly effortless. I go to bed with at most a few stray thoughts that I'm able to brush off easily, and I look up and I've successfully abstained for almost 2 weeks. The problem is, starting back up is just as effortless. As soon as I get an urge, I put up only a little of a fight and then I'm back to PMO and it's like nothing changed. I'm about to have 24 hours again, and I'm trying to ride off the good feelings I have about my long streak and start right back up where I left off, instead of dwelling on my slip-up. Sorry I've been absent so long, I hope you all are doing well on your journeys.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I had another fallback this morning. I was tired and didn't sleep well last night, and I was off my game and it happened just as easily as that. I don't want to pass blame though. I am at fault and I made that decision. But I also don't want to dwell. Overall I have been doing better lately and I don't think all that momentum is gone, I just need to feed back into the positive momentum and that will leave less time for negative decisions and actions. Right now I'm going to wash some dishes and then have a productive day at work and then try to get to bed at a decent hour.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Checking in again. Good day so far today. Had a weird sex dream last night that kind of felt like cheating on my fiancee but with a girl I knew from high school that I don't even find attractive. And it wasn't a particularly sexy dream. Anyhow, other than that weirdness, today was strong enough. I've been in a bit of a foul mood and didn't sleep great (besides the dream) but I don't feel any strong temptations.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
PMOed again last night after already being in bed. All I needed to do was put down my phone and go to sleep and I could have avoided this one. Going to experiment with leaving my phone to charge away from my bed at nights, to try and remove that temptation. I've been going at least 24 hours between each recent relapse, which is better than even more frequent, I suppose, but still very frustrating after just having gotten through 11 days with no problems. I just have to keep trying to steer myself toward good behaviors and away from the kinds of behavior and situation that lead to relapse. I'm doing this because I want to change, and that means changing my habits and behaviors.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Doing okay so far. I woke up early (at a normal time) today and even though I was a little tired it was nice being up in the morning. I'm going to try really hard to stick to this schedule.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Damn it, had another relapse this morning. It was just about 2 full days since my last one, which is not very good, but still, as someone who used to have an at least daily habit for years, slipping up every two days is still an improvement and something to work from. I'm trying to stay positive about this because really what I'm doing is good. I'm trying to quit. I've always known it wouldn't be easy. That doesn't mean relapses are not a big deal and okay, it just means I can keep trying and know that I'm still on the right track.
 

logicprox

Well-Known Member
Been a long time (looks like about a month), but I have some good news: I did manage my longest streak in quite a while, about 14 days, until I broke it yesterday. It's funny, when I'm able to hold off, it feels nearly effortless. I go to bed with at most a few stray thoughts that I'm able to brush off easily, and I look up and I've successfully abstained for almost 2 weeks. The problem is, starting back up is just as effortless. As soon as I get an urge, I put up only a little of a fight and then I'm back to PMO and it's like nothing changed. I'm about to have 24 hours again, and I'm trying to ride off the good feelings I have about my long streak and start right back up where I left off, instead of dwelling on my slip-up. Sorry I've been absent so long, I hope you all are doing well on your journeys.
I totally feel you on the effortless streaks. What I have been finding is that the effortless streaks are dangerous because I let my guard down. I think what I am starting to realize is key for me is to actively track all my habits/actions/triggers even when things are going well. Not in an obsessive or stressed out way, just to make sure the momentum is still going.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I had another near-2 week stretch before relapsing back to a daily habit a few days ago. When I'm on a good streak, I guess I get cocky. Not only that, I feel like if I go on here, or overanalyze my situation too much, I'll relapse. But then I do anyway, so more likely, it's the addiction itself that's convincing me to get sloppy with my upkeep and self-accountability. I want to look at the positive, though. Coming off years where I would PMO daily (or more) without a second thought, I've now had a few successful streaks where I successfully abstained for over a week, maybe 2? (I stop counting when I get too confident as well).

The worst part about a relapse when I'm trying so hard to quit, is that the self-talk I was giving myself just hours (or minutes) prior to the relapse all sound so fake in retrospect. A few hours ago, I came across a video of George Lucas describing the difference between "pleasure" and "joy," and while watching it, I felt really inspired! And then mere hours later I was back where I started, relapsing as if I'd made no progress.

But I have made progress, and that is an important thing to remember, while still knowing that where I'm at now is unacceptable. I cannot get too comfortable or I will be right back where I started.

Hope everyone else is well. Sorry it's been so long.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I feel you, man. Motivation is not enough for me either. I could watch some "Before and after" posts on nofap, get super motivated and then three days later it's gone and I relapse. Motivation comes and goes. I've stopped using motivation as number 1 resource. I went back to the basics and tried to find a short term thing to use when I'm tempted.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Checking in, had a really wonderful day with my fiancee, went to a play and had dinner, and we had a great time together. No urges, just too busy having fun. It's days like this that are easy.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
... And almost right after I made this post, I relapsed again. I don't have an excuse. I felt that last post was a little braggy but I wanted to be honest about my positive feelings. Maybe I wanted to tear myself down a notch, sully my perfect day? I don't know.

I gotta go to bed so I can salvage the rest of this day by ending it as early as possible (it's already after 1 am). I'm going to try to do my best to keep up with this journal again.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
... And almost right after I made this post, I relapsed again. I don't have an excuse. I felt that last post was a little braggy but I wanted to be honest about my positive feelings. Maybe I wanted to tear myself down a notch, sully my perfect day? I don't know.

I gotta go to bed so I can salvage the rest of this day by ending it as early as possible (it's already after 1 am). I'm going to try to do my best to keep up with this journal again.
Good job in avoiding binging, man! The damage done actually matters even here, even if it might not be easily obvious.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Maybe I wanted to tear myself down a notch, sully my perfect day? I don't know.

Self-sabotage is a real thing. It's nothing but a trick of the lower brain playing a story like you don't deserve a good time with your girl, or to have 'real fun' in life.

How to overcome it? Just recognize that it's a lie, and ditch shame-based thinking. It's [toxic] shame that tells you that you don't deserve better.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Have downtime today (besides doing laundry) and I got a little bored watching TV, and immediately turned to porn. I looked at some images and started chasing the rabbit down the hole, but so far I've stopped myself from going further. I'm sure many can relate to that mind trick of "now that I've looked at it, I might as well go all the way and start over once I'm finished, since I already looked I won't be able to stop thinking about it until I've PMO'd." That's kind of where I am now but for now I've stopped and am gonna try to just cool off. It does suck to have kind of "relapsed" already again, but there's no bad time to stop looking. I need to learn to walk myself back from the ledge, this isn't the first or last time that I'll feel like it's too late to stop. If I could stop myself more often during those times I feel it's already "too late," I'd be a lot closer to recovery.

I don't even want to. But part of me does. But so what. I can do literally anything else and feel better about myself. I already feel bad for looking, but that's just what that part of me wanted. I can stop.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Well, I failed. I should've started doing something but nothing sounded engaging to me so I just kept on being bored and taking more little peeks for no reason. Eventually I was so sick of it I just PMO'd. Lesson learned is that I can't just let myself stay bored when I get like that. I have to make myself do something productive and change my state of mind.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Yesterday wasn't good. I got off to a bad start, falling into old habits and then next thing I know I was just binging (without even touching, just browsing) and feeling like porn was the most interesting thing in the world. I've gotten through today okay and I have 24 hours again, which is more than I could say the past few days. I'm hoping I'm near the end of my recent "binging" period and can calm down again, but it's important what I do with it this time, if I am able to carry on a sober streak. Namely, I can't abandon my self accountability and hope to just coast by. There will come a time again, hopefully soon, that it will feel easy not to look at porn for a while again. But I can't let up on my accountability then. That's when it's most important to build up good habits to replace the bad ones.

I'm noticing that staying clean takes energy. You need sometimes to tap into energy you don't even feel like you have, but once you can tap into that energy it feels good. It does feel good to do good things instead of bad, even though they're so much less... craveable. They take work and effort but it feels good to find that energy to do them. It's just making a habit out of it that's always been hard for me.


Anyway, Day 1
 

jonazo91

Active Member
So far so good today, no real urges to speak of. I went to sleep pretty late last night so I wanna try to get that back on track tonight.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Got a couple random potential triggers thrown my way today, and I followed up on one of them (searching a name out of "curiosity") but I stopped myself before I got too far/viewed anything explicit. Definitely know I need to be on alert though, because I was definitely flirting with trouble. About to go to sleep now, day 2. I have to start setting up better habits for myself and sticking with them. Good habits are so powerful because they can kind of compound on themselves and put you in a better place all around. The hard part for me has always been sticking with them. But I have to be resilient. Keeping on trying is a big part of the battle.
 
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