Miles to Go

Chuckles

Active Member
I'm also noticing the creeping desire to look at porn. Like I feel like my brain is getting trickier. For example, I see a celebrity that I know has been nude, and my mind just immediately wants to look that up.
But I am starting to really feel the link between exercise and mood. And self control. So there's that
 
Made it through today. Online dating is going well. I feel like I have a couple potential dates. One wants to hike, the other said okay to going out for dinner, but we still gotta figure it out

Awesome! Definitely go on the hike - great chance to get out into nature and form a connection with another human being at the same time. Sounds perfect!

Regarding the "creeping desire" - this actually reads like a positive step to me
Instead of giving in to those thoughts without noticing, you are now becoming aware of them and more detached from them
Let them go and drift away into nothing. You are on a better path now!
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Today's day 16
Two co workers came in looking hot AF today. Neither of them is interested in me sexually. Which is fine, just sucks because I could really use some sex right now. The urge to PMO is strong. But I'm thinking I'll take a nap, and maybe get some chores done. If nothing else I'll go for a walk if the urge becomes irresistible.

I'm going back and forth on what MJ1987 said right when I started this log, regarding my exception to no O if it's with another person. Very slight chance of a hookup tonight, but I'm not at all counting on it. I want sex so bad. But if it's from a casual hookup, and not an actual partner or potential partner, then is it a bond or a masturbation aide? I mean I really like her (long and complicated story, not going into it), but she and I both know that it's definitely not a serious relationship. But I'm not ready to commit to hard mode. But long term what's better for me? I guess I haven't really seen the science for either side. Like I for sure know porn is ruining me. But do I really have to quit casual sex? Maybe just for like a couple months.

I'm also rethinking 2 MO a week after the first month. I noticed myself looking forward to the day I'm allowed to do it again. And if I'm fixated then is it really about my prostate health, or is it about the addiction? Honestly I know that a few months without an O won't ruin my body, and it will help my brain. Still a lot of thinking to do on it.

But no PMO for 16 days is pretty damn good! I'm happy about that. I'm proud of myself.
 
I'm going back and forth on what MJ1987 said right when I started this log, regarding my exception to no O if it's with another person. Very slight chance of a hookup tonight, but I'm not at all counting on it. I want sex so bad. But if it's from a casual hookup, and not an actual partner or potential partner, then is it a bond or a masturbation aide? I mean I really like her (long and complicated story, not going into it), but she and I both know that it's definitely not a serious relationship. But I'm not ready to commit to hard mode. But long term what's better for me? I guess I haven't really seen the science for either side. Like I for sure know porn is ruining me. But do I really have to quit casual sex? Maybe just for like a couple months.
Just my opinion, but I think everyone is different and you need to decide what is best for your own reboot.
For some people, I think casual sex is fine and even helpful for rewiring their brain, whereas for others, they need a complete sexual reset.

If you feel it's right for you, I think it's unlikely to be harmful. Even if it's just for a night and there is no deep connection, it's still shifting your focus/rewiring from the dopamine rush of constant novelty alone on a screen to enjoying the moment with another real person. Again, just my two cents though!
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Just my opinion, but I think everyone is different and you need to decide what is best for your own reboot.
For some people, I think casual sex is fine and even helpful for rewiring their brain, whereas for others, they need a complete sexual reset.

If you feel it's right for you, I think it's unlikely to be harmful. Even if it's just for a night and there is no deep connection, it's still shifting your focus/rewiring from the dopamine rush of constant novelty alone on a screen to enjoying the moment with another real person. Again, just my two cents though!
Good point. I guess I gotta wrestle with whether it's right for me. I feel like it is. PMO kinda wrecked my sex life. It isn't terrible, but could have been so much better.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 17
I'm starting to feel the transition from "I have to think about how I'm stopping PMO" to "this is the new normal". Like of course I still get the urge, but the focus on my change and growth are starting to take the driver's seat. I'm happy about that. It's like I'm using this addiction as fertilizer for who I really want to become.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Night of Day 17
I'm tired. I'm depressed. And I know it's not a real feeling, but emotionally I'm beginning to feel like I'll never find someone. Never get married. Never have kids. Die alone. It's terrifying, but I know it'll pass.
The silver lining is that I don't feel the overwhelming urge to fill that void with PMO. So that's progress
 
PMO kinda wrecked my sex life. It isn't terrible, but could have been so much better.
Yes, this x100000000. I'm sure there are many men here who feel the same

Regarding the emotions in your most recent post - I know it's easy to say, but really you could meet someone tomorrow and your entire life might change suddenly. Try and enjoy having the time to work on yourself while you can!
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 18.
Balls hurt again. Not terrible, not comfortable.
I've got stuff going on with my family this weekend. A few last minute plans but I'm happy to be around them.
Filling the time with productive or at least worthwhile things is a big help. When I'm idle it's easier to want it, and then I have to struggle with fighting it off. When I'm occupied then at worst it's a back of my mind kind of thing.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
It was such a busy day today. I had breakfast with the family, then got really depressed, but hung out with a friend and pulled me out of it. We both wanted to have sex, but agreed we shouldn't. And I'm not as frustrated about is as I thought I'd be.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 19. It's overall getting easier. There are still ups and downs. There are still times that I have the urge to PMO. But they are fewer and further between. I hope it continues to improve.
At the halfway point, there was a part of me really looking forward to day 28 when I could MO again. And I was concerned about that part of me. But I'm not as preoccupied with it anymore.
It's almost a feeling of zen. I'm better albe to plan for the future, for things I'd like to do and get done. Like I got a bunch of stuff done on my car that I'd been putting off. I feel more able to focus, more capable, more determined. And even through I'm still struggling through the ups and downs of my depression, I feel like the light is beating the dark overall.

Young men, if you're reading this.... QUIT NOW! The sooner the better. You probably don't realize how much this addiction is worsening your anxiety, depression, bad luck with the ladies (or dudes if that's your thing), grades, overall fitness, etc. If I could go back I would have not got hooked. Maybe I could have made porn a healthy part of my life/sex life. I know that that's not an option now. But the sooner you quit, the sooner you can fill that time with exercise and human interaction and learning how to navigate relationships and your sex life. If you want to get laid, there are others out there that are willing to get in bed with you. And the more time you spend on self improvement, the better your odds. If you want a better body, or to be better at math or music or dancing or sports or whatever, you will have so much more time and energy to put into that.

I don't remember where, but I once read a woman's quote about dating in which she called porn, weed, and video games the trifecta of things to avoid in a guy. There's a reason for that.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Start of day 20
It's been almost 3 weeks. I'm proud of myself. I woke up a few hours ago and couldn't go back to sleep. I might start just doing chores or something when this happens. Insomnia is the worst.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
End of day 20
I feel solid. I had an epiphany. We can never be perfect, but that means we can always get closer. And I've recently committed to 2 things:
1. Get rid of the biggest lead weight, the thing holding me back. Porn addiction.
2. Turn that saved time into what will give me the greatest ROI. Exercise.
Once I stabilize, once I get used to this new routine, and break the old one, I'm going to do it again. Whatever those things may be.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
I had sex again. It was similar to last time. It felt amazing, I was rock solid, but only lasted like 2 minutes :(
I know it's just the body's adjustment, but it still sucks.
So that's 0 PMO in 20 days, 2 orgasms.
 
I had sex again. It was similar to last time. It felt amazing, I was rock solid, but only lasted like 2 minutes :(
I know it's just the body's adjustment, but it still sucks.
So that's 0 PMO in 20 days, 2 orgasms.
We are all battling our own sexual issues and I don't want to assume anything in your case
But for me personally, I have found women are less disappointed in "short" performances than we think
Of course porn, but also culture in general has given us this twisted view that men who are good at sex can go for marathon sessions
But in my experience, women prefer short but sweet with good foreplay to long but uncomfortable sex
Plus, you can be honest with your partner - tell her it felt so good that you couldn't help it

Personally PIED and DE have always been more of a problem for me
But there were times when I tried to hold back and not come too soon
But then I stopped doing that and decided I would just finish when I felt like it - even if it was short
I think overall it led to better sexual experiences

Again, don't want to assume anything about your situation or what you or your partner prefer
But just giving an alternative perspective :)

Plus 20 days no PMO - congrats - that's a great achievement!
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Thanks @particularly_respecting !
I hope you're right. I kind of explained to her afterwards about breaking my PMO addiction. She seemed to understand. And she said she still enjoyed it.
But I remember my young 20's when I could go for 30+ minutes. And those felt better for me and for her. And my pride.
One of the reasons I started edging (in my late 20s early 30s) was because I thought it would make me last longer in bed. I'm not sure if it did, but I'm pretty sure it lead to prostate problems. But now that you mention it, porn might have had that effect on me. Like made me think that that was the expected and desirable behavior.

Today's day 21! Three weeks!
I noticed last night that when I went to pee I had the sensation that my bladder still had a little in it, and still felt like I had to go, but couldn't. That's got me nervous because that was a big symptom with my previous prostate stuff. It hasn't been an issue since I stopped masturbating, and it wasn't an issue the previous time I had sex. No issue this morning though. So hopefully it was just a one time reaction to having an orgasm for the first time after so long without.

Last night, in bed, I was explaining to her what post coital clarity was. She hadn't heard of it. The comparison I used was that the only time a smoker doesn't crave a cigarette, at least a little bit, is right after smoking. The only time a man (at least this man) doesn't crave sex, at least in the back of his mind, is immediately after having sex. And my post coital clarity is now different. When I was in my addiction, it felt good, but sometimes clouded by the desire to PMO. But now it's an overall better and more euphoric feeling. I have this, I don't know, razor sharp focus. Like distractions melt away and things just make sense. It's hard to describe, but TL;DR is that stopping PMO made my post-coital clarity way better.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 22
I had a dream last night that I watched porn. The night before I had a super weird sex dream. It's almost like puberty again. Not so much with the MW though. I can't tell what's from breaking addiction, and what's from the chaser. All good though, I'm still on track. Basically 1 more week to hit my 1 month goal. I haven't really planned any kind of celebration or reward for myself.
 
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