We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace

jberg

Active Member
3rd Reboot, Day 16
Yesterday, I tried to stay connected (to my wife, my kids, my HP) and did so for the most part. Several times I returned to my habit of focusing on my wife's weaknesses and imperfections, rather than looking at her strengths and positive qualities. I need to do this for my sake--when I'm looking at her character defects, it is very difficult impossible for me to love her. Believe, me--I've tried doing that for much of the past 10 years. However, I have found that when I focus on her good qualities, it is easy for me to love her. It is clear that, today, I have two choices:
  1. Focus on her shortcomings and try to change her.
  2. Focus on her good qualities, and love her.
#1 has never worked, and has made me bitter, resentful, and angry. And she hasn't changed an iota.
#2 has always worked, and has made me happy and her happy. And, it sometimes has changed her!
But an even stranger paradox is why do I keep choosing door #1 in spite of a lifetime of evidence that it just doesn't work for me?
Today, I will pick door #2 as often as possible.
 
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jberg

Active Member
3rd Reboot, Day 23
I can actually feel the difference in my brain as I am drying out from this obsession. I also feel like I'm recovering from some kind of PTSD from all the anger and resentment. Today, I will try to live in the solution.
 
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jberg

Active Member
3rd Reboot, Day 26
It gives me hope to see so many folks working in this issue. I've been here before, and ended up slipping up and going right back out there. But I don't think that means that no progress has been made. Here's a story, often told in 12-step circles, that I just posted in another thread that describes my journey:
A man walking up a road turns down an alley and suddenly falls in a manhole. The next day, he turns down the same alley and it happens again. The next day, he turns down the same alley, but this times he sees the manhole and starts to think, "I should really step aside," but falls in the hole anyway. The next day, he turns down the same alley, sees the hole, actually tries to turn, but falls in anyway. The next day, he thinks, "Isn't this the alley with that open manhole?" but he turns down the alley anyway, sees the manhole, tries to step aside, and falls in. The next day, he recognizes the alley again, decides that he will only walk half way down and turn back before getting to the manhole, but he suddenly finds himself at the manhole, tries to step aside, but falls in. Eventually, he is able chose not to go down that alley and stay on the road to his destination.
 

jberg

Active Member
3rd Reboot, Day 33
Yesterday I watched a PG movie with my wife and kids. I found that I was focusing a bit too intensely on one of the female characters. Later that day, her image was still in my brain. I stopped and mentally shifted gears. I consciously replaced that image with an image of my wife. I actually felt a shift take place in my mind. I immediately felt calmer as if a decompression had taken place. I think this was like recognizing that alley mentioned in the post above, and deciding not to go in that direction.
 

jberg

Active Member
3rd Reboot, Day 39
I'm starting to feel overwhelmed by work. I have a fatal flaw of turning to procrastination whenever work starts piling up, and I've been doing that for the past couple of weeks. As you an imagine, this is a deadly spiral that usually leads to emotionally disconnecting from everything (wife, kids, everyone.) That disconnection then leads to a strong desire to feel connected. PMO starts to look very enticing--nothing beats a massive endorphin release in the brain to mask all of these feelings! But waiting on the other side of that are feelings of remorse, regret, emptiness. No lasting connection is forged. In fact, what is left of the true connections in my life are further eroded. So my choice right now is to either sit down and do a small amount of work and see where that leads, or to give procrastination a try one more time to see if things turn out differently than they have every other time I've tried it. Okay, here I go, I'm going to complete one simple task at work, and then go from there.
 

jberg

Active Member
3rd Reboot, Day 41
I feel like I'm treading the path of recovery one step at a time. You backpackers know what I'm talking about--by about day 3 of the hike, the pack no longer feels heavy, my body has adjusted to waking up and going to sleep with the rising and setting of the sun. My body, mind and spirit are now in rhythm. I feel like I could hike forever and never return to my hectic daily routine. But THIS journey of recovery is not a hiatus. I need to forge this path of recovery into my daily routine. I looked back at where I was on day 41 of my first reboot to see if I've made any progress. Back then I was consumed with anger and @TakeActionNow dropped some much-needed wisdom on me. I don't know where this path of recovery is going to lead me. But I do know where PMO takes me (I've been there MANY times) and I don't want to go there.
 

jberg

Active Member
3rd Reboot, Day 44
I read and replied some of the new posts on this site and am writing now just to stay connected to my brothers on this path, and to set my intensions for today.
  • Absolute truthfulness with this (or another similar) group
  • Daily emotional connection with my wife
  • Daily connection with a Power greater than myself
  • Daily service to others in this (or another similar) group
Today, I'm not even thinking about P, PMO or MO. For the moment, I'm free of it. The question that is on my mind is, what can I do today that will keep me on this path. Looking back at my past relapses, they always followed after I had stopped posting here, stopped being of service to others who are struggling like I am. In other words,
  • We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
  • Self-seeking will slip away.
  • Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change.
    (from the 12 promises of SA--taken from AA)
 
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jberg

Active Member
3rd Reboot, Day 47
A one (maybe 1.5) second look at a clickbait image hit my brain and almost started the chain reaction of well-worn neural pathways. I quickly came here to write about it and I immediately felt the stress level drop and return to normal. I am forging new neural pathways--inroads to a healthy mind. It's going to take some time for those 8-lane super-highways to PMO that I have paved in my brain to get overgrown with weeds while I continue to chose the detour away from the misconnection and toward joyous freedom. By avoiding that trap, I don't feel like I've given up an opportunity for PMO in hope of any future reward. Rather, I avoided a self-absorbed descent into the narrow recesses of my brain, and stepped into the vast immensity of the realm of reality. By doing so, I immediately recover 8 hours of my life that would have otherwise been lost to oblivion. This is true instant gratification. Any long-term benefits that may accrue from this is only icing on the cake.
 
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jberg

Active Member
3rd Reboot, Day 60
I have been relatively free of the obsession to PMO for this past week, skating along on momentum of the intense work I had been doing previously. And then some images on TV yesterday reminded me that I need to stay grounded in this program, that I am never standing still. I am either moving toward recovery and health, or moving away from it. This past week I had stopped my morning and evening meditation, stopped posting to this forum, and stopped taking the actions of love to connect with my wife. All of my past relapses have started with this same behavior and feeling that I am just going to be okay without those connections. But my experience of the past 20 years tells me that I am NOT okay without those connections. The human heart is never satisfies floating in oblivion, it has a deep desire for connection, and if I don't maintain and continually strengthen the true connection, then I am leaving myself exposed to falling into the trap of the false connection. Today I am going to double down on the true connections in my life by:
  • Prayer and meditation during my lunchtime and in the evening.
  • Roses and a valentines day card for my wife (I hate "Hallmark Holidays" but she loves them!)
  • Reading and replying to a few posts in this forum and making a phone call
 

jberg

Active Member
3rd Reboot, Day 61
Yesterday's reconnection provided some protection for me this morning. Here's what happened:
My wife is super stressed by the morning routine of getting the kids ready for school (wake them up, make breakfast, prepare their lunches, get them dressed, etc...) I'm not there to help because I leave for work before they wake up, so it's all on her. To relieve some of the stress, I make my son's oatmeal and usually have it done by 6 am so it's ready for him when he wakes up at 6:30. This morning, I was working from home and still on my computer at 6 am. At about 6:10 I went into the kitchen and found that she started making the oatmeal. I interpreted this as some kind of passive/aggressive criticism, as if she was saying, "Why are you on the computer instead of making the oatmeal!" When I confronted her about it, she tried to explain her way out of it saying she saw I was working so she just made the oatmeal. I was super angry inside and didn't believe her explanation. I went upstairs and got in the shower. I was cursing her in my mind and calling her horrible names, "Why can't she just KNOW that she can rely on me to get it done, like my brother would, instead of always being so stressed in the mornings and resorting to this passive/aggressive B.S.!" :mad: I vowed to just immerse myself in my work and to isolate from her! In the shower, I remembered my promise to stay connected. But I didn't WANT to connect, I wanted to isolate from her. How could I trust her not to criticize me for the slightest mistake or to not be frustrated or angry with me and lash out against me? I can't. What do I do, now? I started to pray. As I prayed, I began to calm down. I remembered that God is my only judge. When I am concerned about the judgement of other people, I am making them my god and my higher power. The real Creator knows my strengths and weaknesses, and loves me in spite of my shortcomings. Maybe even because of my shortcomings. I can do the same for my wife. I started to move away from resentment, and towards compassion for my wife. Yes, she is stressed by the morning routine, and may even take it out on me now and then. Can't I cut her some slack, and give her the room to be human? Also, maybe she really was just making the oatmeal since I was busy--no passive/aggressive message intended at all! The important thing is, I don't have to sort that out. If she is my judge, then she has to be perfect for me to love her. As soon as I stop making her my higher power, remembering that only God is my judge, then I am able give her the space to be human and to love her unconditionally. I came downstairs after my shower, apologized for my reaction, and got busy helping the kids get ready for school.:cool:
This incident shows me why I need a connection to you all, to my family, and to a Power greater then myself. I am incapable of loving my own wife without my connection to a Higher Power. And I would not have know this without my connection to you. So I say "Thank you!"
 
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jberg

Active Member
3rd Reboot, Day 69
Just a quick check in to say that a brief thought flashed in my mind that it wouldn't hurt too much if I was to take a small hit of my drug from some non-P images. So I immediately logged on to this forum, read a few posts, and posted one reply. Connecting with my brothers here is part of the antidote for the craving for that false connection.
 

jberg

Active Member
Drop my car off at the shop so I'm on the bus heading to work. A woman stepping on the bus started to trigger the usual reaction, so I quickly looked away and logged on to this forum on my phone.
 

jberg

Active Member
Hello j berg.... I read your threds.. Thats good what about your sex life???
Where have you been in 2019 20 21.....
Prakash, in 2019, 2020, and 2021, because of my weakness of character, I gave in to a cycle of fear, anger, isolation, resentment and binging on PMO every couple of months or so, none of which brought me much joy or contentment. As a result, I damaged my relationships with my wife, children, co-workers, and neighbors. Right now, I am trying a different route. Today, I am trying to chose truthfulness instead of fear, trust instead of anger, and connection instead of isolation. I am starting to feel a little more joy, and my relationship with my wife and children seems to be improving. Thanks for asking.
 

jberg

Active Member
3rd Reboot, Day 77
My doctor prescribed some exercise videos to rehabilitate my back muscles. After one glimpse of the woman in the video, I know that I will not be able to watch these without putting my sobriety at risk. Even as I write this, the image seared in my memory with that brief glimpse is disturbing my equilibrium. So what did I do? I came to this Forum to learn from your experience, strength, and hope, and to write about how I am feeling right now. And suddenly, the power that image had over me is melting away (not yet disappeared, but fading away.)

Today, sobriety is my number 1 priority, because without out sobriety, I am really not able to function. I will find another video. I'm sure I can find a video with a man doing back exercises so that I can take care of my body without injuring my mind.
 
D

Deleted member 27008

Guest
hello jberg.I congratulate you for your wonderful series. I understand that you do not have much difficulty in making long-term series. This is very nice. Would you like to talk about the benefits other than the family benefits these series provide? What other physical and mental developments did you see and on what days did they appear on average? We will be glad if you share it with us in a timely manner.
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Dear old friend, how are you doing?

I am sorry to hear that you are suffering.
To read that even supportive videos are triggering you must mean you are in a low point. I have been there before and I feel for you.

Have you been resting well?
Please take great care of yourself
Rest alot and give yourself good nutritious food, some warm sun and lots of loving kindness to yourself.
Listen to soothing music and read heartwarming books.
Take care of yourself and those around you and find joy in natural places like parks and animals.
 

jberg

Active Member
3rd Reboot, Day 227
Yesterday I had the thought that it would feel really good to use porn again. I tried to counter the thought by recalling those feelings of remorse, regret, emptiness and pain that follow PMO. That did help in the moment, but the thought of PMO returned later in the evening. Then I tried looking at this as an opportunity to chose my higher nature instead of just giving in to my lower nature. That seemed to work last night, but this morning the thought returned. Now, I am see that this thought of using the false connection of PMO is coming to me because I am missing the true connection. Today, I will take the following actions to nurture a true connection to you all, to my family, and to a Power greater then myself.
  • Post to this forum (which I am doing now)
  • Read and comment on other threads.
  • Spend time in prayer and meditation on the true connection, and then remain in the silence of contemplation for a few minutes.
  • Resolve to immediately take action on whatever decision was born during the contemplation
I will report back tomorrow and let you know how the day went.
 
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