I need to up my game.

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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 10

I craved alcohol. I had to go to the store to buy some things and I made plans to buy something to drink but I didn't. I was afraid I would watch porn at home after drinking. The pain of forcefully denying myself the pleasure and the comfort of alcohol was excruciating. I was sad and angry all the way home.

I got home and I got attacked by thoughts of watching some porn but I told myself: "You gotta be kidding, right? You fuckin denied yourself alcohol so you could stay away from porn and now what do you want to do?"

If the day ends well, it might get better.

Urges...
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 11

Usually, for some reason, it's around day 11 where I struggle the most.

It is a cycle: Experience urges, feel weird, have higher anxiety, feel low, crave stimulation, experience unbearable craving for porn then binge and, for days, feel lethargic, depressed, brain fog. Over and over again. And this cycle can only be stopped by going all the way for once. Go through all the shit that this asks me to feel and finally break free from this cycle. Otherwise repeat in a loop.
 
EarthWalker

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Counter intuitively but the dopamine circuits in the brain are actually getting stronger not weaker around this time.

I am finding being able to be in observer mode (and staying in the heart space) the most helpful.

You can do it bro. Rooting for you.

EW
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
EarthWalker said:
Counter intuitively but the dopamine circuits in the brain are actually getting stronger not weaker around this time.

I am finding being able to be in observer mode (and staying in the heart space) the most helpful.

You can do it bro. Rooting for you.

EW
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Thanks bro. The tactic is in place, keeping the porn dopamine low.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I've made some changes but I need to stick to them: No caffeine, no alcohol, no MO, no porn fantasizing. Those are the things that could immediately send me back to porn.

Caffeine makes my urges harder, I don't know why, maybe because it's a stimulant?

Alcohol goes without saying. Jordan Peterson had this to say about alcohol (I'm paraphrasing): Alcohol doesn't make people not realize the consequences of what they are going to do, but it makes them not care about the consequences.

MO, although not bad in itself, it's detrimental to me because of the chaser effect and the way I think, my obsession with the perfect streak, maybe because I'm obsessive-compulsive. I don't know if it's porn induced or not, I've even heard recently that bullying in childhood could lead to OCD for some people. I don't know. The thing is, none of my parents have OCD.

Fantasizing goes without saying as well. Everyone would benefit greatly from avoiding to fantasize porn.

Anyway, today was difficult, I don't know why, maybe the brain is set like that, but lately the days around day 11 have been the hardest.
 
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GeminiMan

Well-Known Member
Escapeandnevercomeback said:
I've made some changes but I need to stick to them: No caffeine, no alcohol, no MO, no porn fantasizing. Those are the things that could immediately send me back to porn.

Caffeine makes my urges harder, I don't know why, maybe because it's a stimulant?

Alcohol goes without saying. Jordan Peterson had this to say about alcohol (I'm paraphrasing): Alcohol doesn't make people not realize the consequences of what they are going to do, but it makes them not care about the consequences.

MO, although not bad in itself, it's detrimental to me because of the chaser effect and the way I think, my obsession with the perfect streak, maybe because I'm obsessive-compulsive. I don't know if it's porn induced or not, I've even heard recently that bullying in childhood could lead to OCD for some people. I don't know. The thing is, none of my parents have OCD.

Fantasizing goes without saying as well. Everyone would benefit greatly from avoiding to fantasize porn.

Anyway, today was difficult, I don't know why, maybe the brain is set like that, but lately the days around day 11 have been the hardest.
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@Escapeandnevercomeback I can relate to this .

I am a heavy caffeine drinker so I may need to stop it altogether switch to another healthy beverage drink .

I don’t drink alcohol anymore but I can see how it can numb human awareness of the consequences of a set of actions so that’s a no no .

what really hit me about OCD was that I was sexually abused when I was a kid . I think those trauma are still lurking in my head resulting in my compulsive behaviors? Not sure … but definitely that’s not an excuse for sure to continue the addictions.

My dad has OCD and I have seen him acting out and MOing in my childhood days repeatedly so that may be another childhood trauma to account for my failure as a rebooter . But that’s not an excuse either to continue my bad habits .

I have been journaling sometimes digging deeper into my past to answer my questions about addiction. But I have not Been successful in self diagnosis and reboot either . So I know I have flaws deep down in my life but I have to look for ways to leave them behind for good and move on to become a better human being .
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
man_in_30s_rebootingnow said:
@Escapeandnevercomeback I can relate to this .

I am a heavy caffeine drinker so I may need to stop it altogether switch to another healthy beverage drink .
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Hey man.

I think it depends how it works for you. For some reason, it makes me have even harder urges and it sucks because I love those fuckin things, I love coffee and energy drinks, now I haven't drunk anything for a few days and I don't like it. But the thing is, if quitting porn is not my no. 1 priority, I don't think I could quit. If I don't do everything it takes, if I don't give up everything that interferes with this, I won't make it. It sucks and I've tried many times to do it while keeping those things in my life like caffeine and MO but it just doesn't work.

what really hit me about OCD was that I was sexually abused when I was a kid . I think those trauma are still lurking in my head resulting in my compulsive behaviors? Not sure … but definitely that’s not an excuse for sure to continue the addictions.

My dad has OCD and I have seen him acting out and MOing in my childhood days repeatedly so that may be another childhood trauma to account for my failure as a rebooter . But that’s not an excuse either to continue my bad habits .

I have been journaling sometimes digging deeper into my past to answer my questions about addiction. But I have not Been successful in self diagnosis and reboot either . So I know I have flaws deep down in my life but I have to look for ways to leave them behind for good and move on to become a better human being .
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I don't know whether me being obsessive-compulsive has anything to do with my difficulty in quitting porn or not, it might, who knows, I haven't been able to investigate this too much, it might have something to do with being obsessed and then compulsive with porn. But I don't think my OCD is porn induced, because I had it before I was an addict. The thing is that my parents don't have OCD, it's just me, and it's recently that I've heard bullying could lead to OCD (although I'm not sure how), so it might have something to do with it.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 13

Massive urges. I am very sensitive and everything triggers me. Porn flashbacks force their way into my head but I avoid to give them attention, only like this I could make it. I need to keep the porn dopamine to the minimum in situations like this.

I had cravings for MO but I know where this could lead me. I need to stay away from it.

On top of porn bothering the hell out of me, I crave alcohol. Like crazy. Being bothered by two addictions is not funny at all, this shit sucks really bad. I am frustrated, angry, sad, only for staying away from those two fuckin things. I don't wish battling two addictions to anybody.

I don't know, let's see where all this leads to. I know there is always the possibility to wait and probably things will get better. The urgency that those urges create is crazy, it feels like it will never be different.

The thing is, unless I am done with porn addiction, I am never in a balance. I either feel good but experience massive urges or I feel lethargic after binges, depressed, devastated and everything that comes with it. Both don't make me too happy. I hate all this shit. But I guess it is ultimately a choice and I could always ignore it and wait.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I must not forget that there is a small step from things going relatively well to misery. It takes effort and time to build a momentum and I can lose it in a day of binging. That is what I must not forget. It sick how much can this porn shit do. You could feel actually great then binge and become a wreck. Just because of the exasperation of always returning to porn, the exasperation of "Again?". When I build a momentum, it's exasperating to lose it. I must keep this in mind. When things go well, I have this talent to fuck everything up.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 14

2 weeks. But...

Giving up caffeine, alcohol and porn, all at once, is beating me really nice. Today I had a depression at work like crazy, I couldn't even think. It sucks big time. I crave pleasure. The pain is excruciating. Denying myself the pleasure... Pleasures. All three. I am extremely frustrated.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 15

I crave porn and alcohol, man. I haven't had a drink in what? 12 days? But I crave a drink like crazy. Yesterday the plan was to buy something to drink after work. I passed by the store and, I don't even know how, I didn't stop there. But I am not sure how much I can stay away from drinking. And probably I will start watching porn shortly after. It sucks big time, man.
 
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Deleted member 27008

Guest
Escapeandnevercomeback said:
Day 15

I crave porn and alcohol, man. I haven't had a drink in what? 12 days? But I crave a drink like crazy. Yesterday the plan was to buy something to drink after work. I passed by the store and, I don't even know how, I didn't stop there. But I am not sure how much I can stay away from drinking. And probably I will start watching porn shortly after. It sucks big time, man.
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Please don't give up buddy. yes, it is difficult to deal with several addictions at the same time. but when you do that, victory becomes more valuable. If drinking alcohol is driving you to PMO, please stay away from alcohol for a while.
 
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logicprox

Well-Known Member
Escapeandnevercomeback said:
Day 15

I crave porn and alcohol, man. I haven't had a drink in what? 12 days? But I crave a drink like crazy. Yesterday the plan was to buy something to drink after work. I passed by the store and, I don't even know how, I didn't stop there. But I am not sure how much I can stay away from drinking. And probably I will start watching porn shortly after. It sucks big time, man.
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It's not really how long you can go, though. Every day is it's own day, every moment it's own moment, only related to each other in our minds. You just have to make the right decision in the current day, the current moment. And you will.
 
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