It ends here.

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 7

I wanted to post here just to solidify my thoughts and maybe help others going through the same situation. Feel free to comment.

I'm 34 years old and and started using porn maybe 17 or 18 years ago. There was a sense of deep shame especially the first few years, but I think that I gradually came to accept that I was always going to continue using it, and the shame got less and less prominent and even turned to acceptance the last few years. Might be because I have an understanding that masturbation is fundamentally not wrong and is even a healthy thing to do, but I got the concept conflated with porn - which in itself is really worrying.

I think most times I used porn over the years, just after reaching orgasm I felt like never doing it again. I guess that's what they call clarity, and I should have been listening to that feeling. There's really nothing about porn that's actually compelling to me, if I just look away from the routine and automaticity of the act. I don't want to spend hours in the dark in front of a screen searching for the "right" moment. Moment for what? It's all just a waste of time and energy. There is nothing I get out of it. I've pretty much been stuck in a loop, triggered by the smallest thing at first, and ending in the same way every time. I've been a slave to this bullshit, and I'm not going to let it continue.

I should mention that I actually did manage to quit at some point, when getting into a relationship. I was pretty much a virgin back then at the age of 24, and I guess the relationship made it easier to live without porn - but without actually making the decision mindfully, I was completely unable to resist getting back into porn when we broke up a few years later and the loneliness set in.

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The last three years I have been masturbating to porn sometimes every two or three days when trying to cut back and sometimes one or two times a day when indulging. This is in addition to the habit of scrolling through all kinds of content on social media like Instagram and Reddit, where the search often begins and ends up spiraling out of control. I started to notice weaker erections during this period - my erection did not match my horniness and I experienced delayed ejaculations and sometimes loss of erection. I have also been experiencing depression and social / general anxiety.

In this same period of time I started working out and running, started eating healthy, cut back on sugar, tried meditation and yoga quite a lot, and although I've been feeling better than ever physically, nothing has really been changing for the better in my head like I thought it would.

-

Well, last Wednesday I discovered yourbrainonporn.com and Reboot Nation - and let's say that things have changed pretty dramatically for me. There's been a huge shift in my attitude. I think that getting educated on the issue, the way the addiction works, and especially the consequences porn addiction has on your life is necessary to really make the change - because I feel like I've been trying for years but never making it more than a few days, thinking the problem would somehow be solved if I could make it a week or two. I appreciate all of you sharing your experiences and your knowledge here, and I hope I can contribute something.

This last week has been interesting. My penis has shriveled away into almost nothing, as if it wants to hide. I'm not worried, because I know it works just fine, and I just need some time for my brain to process the change. I have not had a single strong urge to look for porn, even though I can feel it lurking deep down. Anxiety and tension in the body seems to be better, and social problems have been somewhat relieved. Today I was walking to work by myself and just smiling at others because I felt a sense of hope for what's coming. Talking to colleagues and even a crush of mine was way more effortless. I felt warmer and more secure. This is strange, because I was expecting some pretty severe withdrawal symptoms and difficult times for the first few weeks. I guess knowing and feeling that I'm on my way somewhere better is really giving me a lift, and I can't wait to see what my mental and state will be like in a few months.

Meanwhile, I will not be tempted. I will not make little snowballs and roll them downhill. I will remember the toll that this addiction has had on my life, and draw strength from knowing that things can only get better from here. I don't want to count days, because this change is final in my mind - although I will probably be checking in here periodically and probably do a count then. :)
 
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downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 8

I may have changed my mind about counting days. I think checking in here most days will be beneficial, just to keep my progress and thoughts about everything fresh, remind myself of why I'm doing this.

Today was another great day, I've had social problems as long as I can remember, but somehow I feel so much better already. I can look people in the eyes and speak my mind in a way that felt impossible just a week ago. Still, it might just be knowing that I'm taking control and I'm feeling more confident about my own abilities. It feels good, and I'm going to chase this feeling.

Taking a combined hot and cold shower every morning and spending some time focusing on my breath instead of scrolling through the web just after waking up. Still have a problem there though, going to keep working on it. Read somewhere that scrolling social media etc is one of the worst things you can do in the morning, there's just too much for the brain to take in and experience in such a small period of time. Better to just be present with yourself, have a cup of coffee and look out the window. Note to self.

Thinking about PMO doesn't really trigger that feeling in my stomach that it used to - the one that said "OK, let's do it now real quick".
I think I'm flatlining though - still no feeling down there. Had morning wood, but just a semi. Honestly, it feels good to kind of just take a break sexually. I'll come back to it when I'm ready. I'll see how it goes as the days go on.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 9

Nothing much to report. Managed to do some mindful breathing and a cold shower this morning.

Was busy all day, but noticed that the anxiety was a little worse again. Might be because of some problems at work, hard to tell.

Still committed to seeing this through, however long it takes.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 11

Starting to feel some urges, but it’s nothing compared to what I’ve been feeling before I started this process. If I see a beautiful woman on an episode of a series or whatever, I’m trying to just accept it for what it is, and not let my mind go where it usually goes. It’s just an image of someone on a screen, there’s no one really there. I can admire someone’s beauty without removing my pants the next minute and going down a hole leading through social media and ending with porn. Whatever is causing me to go there almost every time needs to go.

Things are going fairly well, I think. Thankfully I have my dog with me this weekend, and he had surgery a few days ago so I not only have great company, but need to keep watch over him every minute so he doesn’t touch the wound.
I also cut a small bit of my fingertip off yesterday, so there’s more than enough to worry about to get distracted.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 12

Still going, and feeling good about it.

I’m becoming more and more convinced that this is something I should see through, but I’m definitely missing that quick way to feel good… though I know it won’t feel good after, or in the long run.

This is good for me, and I’m sticking with it. I want something real, not something experienced second hand through a screen.
 
I’m becoming more and more convinced that this is something I should see through, but I’m definitely missing that quick way to feel good… though I know it won’t feel good after, or in the long run.

This is good for me, and I’m sticking with it. I want something real, not something experienced second hand through a screen.
Exactly - short-term pain for long-term gain
It's tough but it will be worth it - stay strong brother 💪

Hope your finger gets better soon too!
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 13

Been feeling a really prominent anxiety in the form of a clenched jaw, bad posture, clenching and tightness. These are things I’ve been struggling with for years, and I’m really curious to know if this is why I’ve been feeling like this. I guess this is how I find out.

I just started thinking about how going drinking - not necessarily the alcohol, but something about the ritual and the mood being lifted, being with friends etc - that naturally alleviates the anxiety I feel in the body. I suddenly become a different person - in a good way - and I’m able to communicate with people in a much more natural way.
How I’ve been feeling some of the
days last week after making the decision to stop PMO feels a little bit like that. Just wanted to make note of it.
 
I just started thinking about how going drinking - not necessarily the alcohol, but something about the ritual and the mood being lifted, being with friends etc - that naturally alleviates the anxiety I feel in the body. I suddenly become a different person - in a good way - and I’m able to communicate with people in a much more natural way.
How I’ve been feeling some of the
days last week after making the decision to stop PMO feels a little bit like that. Just wanted to make note of it.
Very interesting. I definitely felt more sociable when I had a long streak in the past
I think there is something to it - with porn it is very insular - always in our own head
We lose the feeling for wanting to connect with other people, then when we stop, it starts to come back

13 days is a great achievement. Keep on killing it brother! 💪
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Very interesting. I definitely felt more sociable when I had a long streak in the past
I think there is something to it - with porn it is very insular - always in our own head
We lose the feeling for wanting to connect with other people, then when we stop, it starts to come back

13 days is a great achievement. Keep on killing it brother! 💪
Yeah, something feels different now, on good days I’m really feeling better than I have felt in years. I think you’ve got a point, I’m connecting with people just a bit more. Hoping it will get even better. Thanks for the support!
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 14

Good day today. Went for a run after work yesterday, and went to the practice room to play some drums and sing before work in the morning. Doing that felt great, I think I’m starting to be able to feel a bit more - feeling and engaging in the music. Used to be so easy for me to just detach and sort of think about all kinds of other stuff instead of being in the moment.

This is not a new routine, but it’s one that really gets the day started in a great way. I’m learning how to use my voice and bringing that into the rest of the day. Always had a problem with having a low speaking voice, and it’s helping my self-esteem in that way.

Will continue to add more of these routines to fill the time I’m saving to not engaging in hours of PMO.

Thinking about setting a timeline for myself - still flatlining, so I’m thinking about going 90 days before trying M/MO.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 15

Feeling good throughout the day, but this evening I'm feeling kind of lonely. I've generally been spending more time with people the last few months than earlier in my life, but I guess there's something missing - someone to be close to, physical contact etc.

I have been single for almost three years now, and I think I've been using PMO to trick myself into believing I'm experiencing intimacy with someone. I hope I can cope with the loneliness until I get better, and that I will be better suited to meet someone eventually.

Just to get this off my chest, since I haven't actually talked to anyone about this, and sort of for a good reason - there's this woman I keep seeing on the way to work in the morning. Some days she will smile at me, and it really makes my day. Then some days it feels like she's deliberately avoiding looking my way, and it feels awful. Yet I keep hoping to see her every morning.
Fuck, I don't know if she even cares that I exist, but I can't keep myself from hoping there's something there. At the same time I think I'm probably just fooling myself into feeling something, and imagining she may be feeling the same. I don't know. In the end I kind of just feel kind of pathetic. Trying to remind myself that we've never spoken or met, and she's probably just trying to mind her own business. I may just be latching onto her because I'm simply lonely and starved for affection.

Please excuse the rambling. I think I need to get some stuff out, and as long as I'm doing some form of journaling i might as well do it here.

I'm still going. I feel more in control now. Hell if I'm ever going back. 💪
 
Great job getting to fifteen days!

Regarding the woman on your way to work, why not just ask her if she wants to get coffee sometime?
It will go one of two ways
Either she will say yes :D
Or she will say no - but if you are polite, nice, and respectful, most likely she will let you down gently
And you can still be happy then because you conquered the fear inside you
It's really a win-win for you

Don't think I'm saying this lightly either - I KNOW how difficult it is
But most worthwhile things in life are difficult

Great job again on getting to 15 days - good to see that fighting spirit! 💪
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Great job getting to fifteen days!

Regarding the woman on your way to work, why not just ask her if she wants to get coffee sometime?
It will go one of two ways
Either she will say yes :D
Or she will say no - but if you are polite, nice, and respectful, most likely she will let you down gently
And you can still be happy then because you conquered the fear inside you
It's really a win-win for you

Don't think I'm saying this lightly either - I KNOW how difficult it is
But most worthwhile things in life are difficult
You’re right, it’s all I can do. I have a tendency to keep everything to myself and then blame myself for nothing happening. I’m just incredibly anxious because I’ve literally never asked anyone out before.
Feel like I have been socially and emotionally underdeveloped for so long, and I think I know what I can blame for that. I think I’m getting better though. Maybe I can actually do this, I’ll try to find a way.
Thanks. :)
 
You’re right, it’s all I can do. I have a tendency to keep everything to myself and then blame myself for nothing happening. I’m just incredibly anxious because I’ve literally never asked anyone out before.
Feel like I have been socially and emotionally underdeveloped for so long, and I think I know what I can blame for that. I think I’m getting better though. Maybe I can actually do this, I’ll try to find a way.
Thanks. :)
No problem brother!

And just to reiterate - it was not a "bruh just ask her out" post
I KNOW it's insanely difficult. Just trying to offer some perspective :)

Great work getting to 16 days!
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
I appreciate the input! :) Not going to be easy, but I want to at least have tried, there isn’t really any harm to it. What’s harmful is doing nothing about what I really want in life.

I’m at day 17! A pretty good day today. :)
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 18

Still feeling pretty good. Been watching a few videos by Gabe Deem on his YouTube-channel, reminding myself why I’m doing this and educating myself further. I think it’s important for my success in removing porn from my life for good.

Thinking a lot about the need to replace PMO with healthy activities and habits. I think I’m in good shape generally, but I can still be better. Trying to play less video games at night, and instead work on making music or other things that are a bit more constructive. But still allowing myself to reward myself after making an attempt at it!

It feels like I’m experiencing a bit less brain fog, still doing better in terms of social anxiety and depression. Also feels like I’m… feeling a bit more. This is all good - but still worried about not experiencing more negative side effects, and bracing myself for the weeks to come. Won’t let my guard down.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
This is great Downhillfromhere. Day 18 is an amazing accomplishment. No matter how bad a day might be with withdrawal symptoms etc, nothing is worse than the feeling of looking at that blasted shit again. Nice job!
 
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