Miles to Go

Chuckles

Active Member
Great job @Chuckles! Seems like you are making amazing progress just reading the start of your journal and comparing it with where you are today

Mind if I ask what sort of exercise you're doing?
No real reason - just curious what other guys do
For myself, now that the ski season is finished I'm looking at getting back into training
Will probably focus on kettlebells - no access to a real gym and I like the simplicity 💪
I've been doing the Starting Strength program (https://startingstrength.com/) I think it's the best intro to weight lifting, most bang for your buck, and the most stripped down and easy to do while still getting great results. I plan on switching out of that into something more focused on body building here in a couple months.

I got invited to yoga a couple times by a friend. I may start that, but honestly it's a bit high of a price and not necessarily the results I want. But could help with stress.

I'm going to start BJJ next week. I'm aiming for 2 or 3 times a week, and I'll see how I like it after the first couple months.

Also light cardio. I maybe get in 10 minutes of walk jog on the treadmill when I lift, or if I go to the track then 30 minutes of walk jog. I did one 5k, and plan on doing 1 more, plus whatever my friends and family invite me to in the future. Doubt I'll do a 10k though. 5k is more than enough.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 52 (I think I miscounted days somehow. I'm calling Feb 10th day 1, if there's anyone keeping score)
I spent a good amount of the day depressed. But then I went for a walk/jog, which helped.
Still no PMO, but I did have a slip. I was drunk, and a little high, and watching a TV show. I know one of the characters has been nude, so I googled that. I immediately closed the tab, and no M whatsoever. I'm not considering it a day counter reset. But it is something worth being honest about. I guess if I had a sponsor we could discuss it, but I don't so....
 
Thanks for the reply about your exercise routine
Really sounds like you're covering all your bases - great mix of exercises
I've been interested in BJJ too because there is a club nearby, but there are still lots of COVID cases here, so I don't want to try it yet
Please let us know in your journal whether it's helpful for recovery and in general!

Amazing work getting to day 52 porn-free and having the self-control to shut down a potential trigger like that 💪
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Thanks for the reply about your exercise routine
Really sounds like you're covering all your bases - great mix of exercises
I've been interested in BJJ too because there is a club nearby, but there are still lots of COVID cases here, so I don't want to try it yet
Please let us know in your journal whether it's helpful for recovery and in general!

Amazing work getting to day 52 porn-free and having the self-control to shut down a potential trigger like that 💪
Thanks! It would have been really easy to just lean into it and for reals lose my progress.
Yeah BJJ is one of the worst (best?) ways to spread C-19. I'm going to take as many precautions as I can. I know that realistically the best insurance would be to not do it at all, but I need exercise and interaction.
I'll try to keep you updated on how it goes for me.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 54
I put off BJJ for 1 more week. I got mildly injured on Saturday, thought it might feel better by today but doesn't.
Hung out with a former FWB, and we started making out. But she made it clear before hand that we weren't going to have sex. And it felt nice just doing it. Obviously I'm a little frustrated and wanted to have sex. And she even brought up the whole no "taking care of it myself later" thing. But all in all it was an alright night.
I don't know if this is a result of me breaking my addiction(s), but I feel like my emotions around sex are shifting for the better. Hopefully it can become something more fulfilling without all the dysfunction.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 56
I asked out that hot coworker today. She said no.
Rejection stings. What I'm proud of is the fact that old me would have had this overwhelming desire to PMO as soon as I could. The thought didn't really cross my mind. That's progress.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
DAY 60!
WOOT!
I've been more active, doing other stuff, going out and whatnot.
I had sex again on Thursday. Honestly I wasn't that into it. Like it felt good, but not great. So IDK what's up with that. Maybe an off day.
Today I've had a moderate urge to PMO, which I can't tell if it's chaser or boredom.

I feel like I've made great progress on exercise. Both doing it, and forming the habit. It's less "thing I have to remind myself to do" and more "thing that's part of my life." I still have a ways to go, but I can comfortably make that not my main focus.

My new big goals are diet and social interaction. I need to either prepare my food, or figure out how to get healthier eat out options that won't bankrupt me. I could also buy frozen stuff to keep in the freezer at work.
I want to start hiking. Like once a week. I'm sure there are online groups around that in my area, so I'm going to look into that tonight.

For now, I have exercise and chores to do.

Thank you all for your support and advice along the way! I couldn't have made it this far without you!
 
Amazing work @Chuckles!
Absolutely inspirational reading your earlier entries and comparing them with recent ones
Seems like so much progress

And yeah definitely worth getting into hiking
Sounds like a good opportunity to make new social connections if you do it through a group too

Stay strong! 💪
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 65
MO on Wed and again today. No P.
I don't feel as compelled to do it again right after, and there is way less desire to watch porn. But it's also more submission to an impulse and less decision to do something, so I'll have to work on that. I don't want to fully stop MO though. I have another urologist appointment coming up, and want to make sure I can report on somewhat normal sexual activity. Which I would see as no PMO, no edging or gooning, and at least 2 orgasms a week.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Amazing work @Chuckles!
Absolutely inspirational reading your earlier entries and comparing them with recent ones
Seems like so much progress

And yeah definitely worth getting into hiking
Sounds like a good opportunity to make new social connections if you do it through a group too

Stay strong! 💪
I have some time commitments coming up these next couple weeks, but my goal 2 weeks from now is to join 1 or 2 online groups with local hikers!
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 68
I'm incredibly depressed tonight. There are so many things with work, money, family, co workers, an ex, friends, etc. There's a mom about to get her kids taken away. Someone's going to get fired. Someone might be cheating on their wife. It's so overwhelming.
I just want to cry, or find some way to just vomit out the stress and anxiety and depression.
I MO'd last week. Wed, Fri, Sat, And Sun. Which is more than the 2x per week I said I'd keep it to. I've still held off the urge to PMO. I'm getting better about going for a walk or to the gym.
Fuck I want a girlfriend. Or like closer friends I get along with and can vent to.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 69 (nice)
I feel better today. Still a bit of lingering depression, but I got some exercise and food, and I feel like I'm going to have a great night's sleep tonight. Still no PMO. And I'm going to try to only MO Sunday and Wednesday from now on. We'll see how it goes!
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 70
:D I feel too tired to PMO even if I was allowed to. Maybe the key is to always be exhausted. In all seriousness the combination of exercise, community, and mental engagement of martial arts is just... difficult to describe. I recommend it to anyone who gets the chance. For me I feel like it's a game changer.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
How you doing @Chuckles? Just checking in!
Wow it's been over a week since I've been on here.
I've been up and down, still no PMO. MO a few times, but never P. I had an appointment with my urologist to report my progress with that. Things are overall better, but still have some room to get better. Follow up in 6 months.
I kind of took a week off of exercise. I'm not beating myself up too bad. But I also noticed that my anxiety and depression are creeping in, and that my motivation and positive outlook are dwindling. So that further cements the fact that exercise is important.
I hope you're all doing well, I'm a bit too tired to read everyone's journals right now.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Day 81
Same old same. I had a pretty productive weekend. I still haven't exercised, but I did help a friend build planter boxes, and mix a silly amount of soil and wheel barrow it around and stuff. So I got a little work in.
No PMO. Kinda let the MO get away from me a bit, but not too much.
My urologist said 2 or 3 times a week is good. I admitted to her that I'm recovering from porn and masturbation addiction. It was hard to do, and I was super anxious. I feel like it's probably a contributing factor to my prostate problems, so she and the surgeon should probably know. It just sucks to know it'll be in my chart now, and who knows who's going to read that and maybe have a laugh at my expense. That's probably just paranoia and anxiety, but still.
Anyway, this week's goal is to focus on getting back into my exercise routine. The week off isn't too much of a backslide, but I cannot let that become 2 weeks off.
 
Just my opinion but I bet your surgeon and urologist will not care at all
Not a dr myself but from a medical family - my parents had seen absolutely everything and it was all just work to them

Anyway - 90 days is within sight - amazing progress @Chuckles! Keep it up - can't wait to read that 90 day post 💪
 

Dylbo

New Member
Hi,
I'm not sure how to start so I'll get right into it. This will probably turn into a wall of text, so the TL;DR is that I'm here to break my porn addiction, track my progress doing so, and have something to hold me accountable.

The realization:
A therapist recognized my porn addiction in January of 2020. I agreed with her, but didn't take it as seriously as I now wish I would have. I had known it was a problem and suspected it was an addiction for years before that. Around December 2020, I started having painful, dry orgasms. Through doctor appointments and medications, the problem is getting better. It turned out to be a swollen prostate and blocked ejaculatory ducts, and could lead to fertility problems in the future. I don't have children yet but would like to in the future. Hearing that I may have to have invasive surgeries and/or go through IVF to have children later scared the s--- out of me. I suspect the prostate swelling and other issues could be symptoms of excessive masturbation, but I haven't found much literature on the subject, and none of the doctors have even brought it up, and I've been embarrassed to ask. Today, in therapy, I confessed to my current therapist that I'm addicted to porn, and that I need help. We talked about it, and I came up with a plan (I'll get to that later).

The past:
I first remember seeing naked women on cable TV at around 6 years old. At 9 a kid at school stole a Playboy magazine from a relative and it ended up in my room. At 11 we had a cable box in the living room rigged to get every (yes, every) channel for free. At 12 or 13 we got dial up internet. At 18 I bought a few magazines at an adult store. At 20 I had my own computer with cable internet. Every step made it easier to PMO, and the more I did it the more of a normal part of my life it became. There was a period of almost 4 years where I didn't have sex or even go on any dates (not caused by porn addiction, by other stuff going on in life). No sexual contact with another human being at all. I bought a 1 TB portable hard drive and filled it with porn. I would go on multiple hour binges. I bought a 4 TB hard drive, and filled it. My tastes in porn have gone past what I previously considered my walls. I don't know if I was addicted before that 4-year period started, but I for sure was at the end of those 4 years. Looking back, I know that the first woman I started having sex with after that 4-year streak didn't get everything I had to offer. I know our relationship, both sex life and everything else, would have been so much better if she wasn't competing for my attention against this invisible enemy she didn't even know about. Since that relationship ended, I bought an 8 TB hard drive, transferred the old videos over, filled the 8TB, then refilled the 4 TB. I've had my ups and downs sex life wise, and for anything longer than a fling, the woman I'm with never gets my full attention sexually, which sucks for me and for her. Around thanksgiving of 2021, I decided to give up porn. I disconnected the hard drives. Deleted my auto login info for the sites I was paying for. Told myself that I would only masturbate to memories of actual sexual encounters, and only a few times a week. I did really well for about 5 weeks. I started a relationship, but it ended very shortly. Then I went right off the wagon. Bought another annual pass to a website. Plugged the hard drives back in, started PMO multiple times a day.

The future:
My goal is to really break this. I don't know if I'll be able to watch any porn at all in the future. It's like the analogy to how some former alcoholics can recover and have a few beers on Saturday, while others can never have another drink again. To that end, I need to stop for at least a while, to know I'm capable of fully stopping, before I can consider using again.

My plan:
No porn, porn substitutes, or masturbation for 1 month (Until March 10th). Sex with women allowed.
After that, masturbation 2 times a week allowed, for 1 month (Until April 10th). Still no porn or porn substitutes, and no thinking about porn while masturbating (thinking about previous sexual encounters allowed). Sex with women allowed.
My hard drives have been unplugged and carried to the other side of my room. I will not plug them back in.

Overcoming challenges:
My therapist suggested a few things to help me stick to this. I should change up my computer area to break my previous muscle memory habits. I should find substitute healthy behaviors. I should have someone to keep me accountable. I know these may not specifically be for porn addiction, but I'm trying to substitute good habits for bad, and give myself healthy distractions.

Before Monday the 14th, I will clean my desk, and set it up as a standing desk. I'll do at least 10 pushups and 10 squats before using my computer, and again for each hour of use. I will only use my computer while standing for at least the first month of my program (watching movies from bed allowed, for up to 1 hour a day, 3 on weekends).
During the first month, at least 3 times a week, I will go to the gym and lift weights and/or do 30 minutes of treadmill.
Starting Monday, I will always have clean workout clothes in my room. If I feel I can't overcome the urge to watch porn or masturbate, I'll go for a walk/run for at least 30 minutes.
At least once a week, I will prepare myself a meal from scratch.

Adjacent addictions:
I also struggle with video games, although not nearly as bad. But my fear is that I'll substitute excessive video game consumption. So for the first month, I will limit myself to 2 hours on Fridays, and 3 hours each on Saturday and Sunday. I'll reassess at the end of the first month. TV and video games not to exceed 5 hours on any Saturday or Sunday.
I will not have more than 1 beer or 1 shot on a work night. I will not get drunk alone.

I will add things as I think of them, and post updates to how all of this goes. I don't know if I want or am ready for an accountability partner yet. As of right now my intention is to check on this journal regularly. Every day would be nice, but I'm committing to 3 days a week, in case life gets in the way.

I'd like to thank this community and everyone involved in making this site possible. I honestly feel like this is going to help me change my life. Sincerely, thank you.
I'd get rid of the hard drives entirely, just another trigger.
 
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