Day 1, no po, no mo (monk mode). Here I go again…
First of all, I want to thank you guys for your support
@Blondie @Phineas 808 @TryingHarder @
particularly_respecting. Without you guys and without this awesome community I don't know where I will end up. actually, i know where, back to porn’s arm.
Long story short, yesterday I paid a visit to the porn land, and I wish I didn't, but it did happen, there is no way around it, so I’m starting the reboot again after I broke the streak of 100 days no po, no mo.
Turns out the relapse was because of some trigger videos i saw on youtube 4 days ago, it came back to haunt me like a mad dog.
First, it started by checking those videos one more time. I was so triggered and horny and tired, one thing led to another, and then (boom bam bop para pap boom pow) I relapsed.
I was so angry, devastated, broken, sad, depressed, stressed, all the negative feelings that a human being might go through, i had them all at the same time, i just couldn’t believe it, then i realized i had to update my journal like i do every day, but now instead of adding another day of no po, no mo, i have to start from square one all over again.
That’s when my junkie-brain creeps in telling me…
Haha, what a loser, you are no longer a big shot, what are you going to tell them, ha. you always pound your chest that you are this and that, turns out you are full of shit, look at you, you will never leave porn behind, you are doomed, you are cursed by porn, you are in it for life.
You should delete that account, that’s the way that no one will ever know that you relapsed, and no one will laugh at you and you can keep your head up.
Meanwhile, how about we check more of the porn stars that you like and see if they have uploaded new content, long time no see, welcome back home buddy…
Just to give you an idea of that inner voice that speaks to me, sometimes it gets worse than this…
After that monologue, out of curiosity, I checked the forum just to see how everybody was doing, and then I saw the man, the only
@Blondie who wrote in my journal to see how I am doing, and then I updated my journal and wrote that I relapsed…
And here I am starting another reboot. Honestly, this reboot wouldn’t be possible without all the encouragement and support I got from all of you guys, so thank you very much…
I’m going to go monk mode on this one. I know it’s going to be freaking hard, but hard mode isn’t working for me, you just saw what happened.
Wish me luck guys, and keep going no matter what. After the relapse, I felt like shit like never before, porn isn’t worth it.
Peace.
Ezel.