The path towards a new life

[PlntJP91]

Hi Everyone,

My name is Josh.
I'm a 30 year old gay guy from the Netherlands, and I have been struggling with a porn and sex-chatting addiction for at least 10 years.
Although it started quit innocently, things have escalated over the years. The continuous porn watching escalated my fantasies to
more and more extreme forms, up to BDSM fantasies. At some point, video's were not stimulating enough anymore, and I started
chatting on bdsm dating apps/websites. Not with the intention to actually meet people, but it gave me a stronger "kick" then watching video's.
I have done some real bdsm dates, which is where I realised this was not at all my thing in real life.

In the last years I've realized more and more how this addiction is disrupting my life. My brain has become numb to such an extent that I basically
have no sexual interest anymore to date real people. I just know, if I would have real life normal sex right now, it wouldnt work due to PIED.

Still I feel more and more the need for an intimate, serious relationship. This makes me feel quite broken, since obviously sex is an important aspect of an intimate relationship.

Therefore I deleted all my dating accounts from my computer and phone, and am starting a reboot of at least 30 days. I need to give my brain rest to heal.
To make my natural urges come back, so I could eventually start dating people again.
I know I have a long way to go, since I'm also not physically very fit and attractive at the moment. This reboot period I thus also want to use to start exercising again, and get myself together.

To motivate myself, I will use this journal to keep track of my progress.

Today is day 2 since my last PMO. Let's see how things change when i move towards day 30.

Cheers,
Josh

 

[Gabe Deem]

Hi Everyone,

My name is Josh.
I'm a 30 year old gay guy from the Netherlands, and I have been struggling with a porn and sex-chatting addiction for at least 10 years.
Although it started quit innocently, things have escalated over the years. The continuous porn watching escalated my fantasies to
more and more extreme forms, up to BDSM fantasies. At some point, video's were not stimulating enough anymore, and I started
chatting on bdsm dating apps/websites. Not with the intention to actually meet people, but it gave me a stronger "kick" then watching video's.
I have done some real bdsm dates, which is where I realised this was not at all my thing in real life.

In the last years I've realized more and more how this addiction is disrupting my life. My brain has become numb to such an extent that I basically
have no sexual interest anymore to date real people. I just know, if I would have real life normal sex right now, it wouldnt work due to PIED.

Still I feel more and more the need for an intimate, serious relationship. This makes me feel quite broken, since obviously sex is an important aspect of an intimate relationship.

Therefore I deleted all my dating accounts from my computer and phone, and am starting a reboot of at least 30 days. I need to give my brain rest to heal.
To make my natural urges come back, so I could eventually start dating people again.
I know I have a long way to go, since I'm also not physically very fit and attractive at the moment. This reboot period I thus also want to use to start exercising again, and get myself together.

To motivate myself, I will use this journal to keep track of my progress.

Today is day 2 since my last PMO. Let's see how things change when i move towards day 30.

Cheers,
Josh

Glad you're here, Josh! It sounds like you've identified a couple problems to tackle and are off to a great start. Putting energy into healthy activities is the best strategy for not only the reboot, but life. Keep truckin'. I hope the best for you.

 

[PlntJP91]

Almost a week has passed since my last post. It's been an intense week, with lots of ups and downs.

Based on the self authoring suite from Jordan Petersoni, I've started to properly evaluate my life. Where I am right now, and where I want to go.
I've only just started with this, and I notice it has a healing effect on me. It's like I finally am taking the time to listen to myself, what I want out of life, instead of just following short-term impulses. It's also a painful process, which has caused a porn-watching relapse earlier this week.
I've decided not to judge myself too much for this, since it was a good - but painful - thing that triggered this relapse. I guess It's just something I need to go through.

The more I spend time on evaluating my life and where I want to go, the more I see that this whole porn/bdsm/sex-chatting thing is nothing more than a distraction. It's a dead end. It keeps my mind clouded, making it more difficult to see the path I should and want to take in life.

The coming 2 weeks I will be on holiday with friends. A perfect opportunity to go for a 14 day streak. I'm curious what that will do to me, and how tempted I will be once I return from holiday. The friends I'm going on holiday with are a couple, and they together have exactly the kind of loving, fun relationship I want to have. So hopefully this trip will give me the motivation I need to reach my first 30+ day streak, and build a good, healthy life.

 

[PlntJP91]

Time flies. Almost a month since my last post. A lot happend during the last weeks.
First of all the holidays. During the holidays, I've experienced some of the strongest cravings I've had in a long time. Something I read in a book triggered me, and it was like something took over the control of my brain. I installed all the dating apps again I removed earlier, and started chatting again. Obviously knowing there was no point chatting as I wouldn't be home anytime soon.

Basically what was triggered was my insecurity about never having had a relationship, and technically still being a virgin at 30. So, my addicted brain told me, I need to start having BDSM dates, to "fix this", fully realizing I never had a real intention to date. The only intention was to get horny from the sex-chatting, watching video's, etc. In the end I relapsed several times.

Although this was painfully dissapointing, it also made something very clear for me: I need to get over my insecurities. And perhaps I'm not ready for a long-term relationship until I figure out these insecurities. Starting to with dating to find the "love of my life" puts way too much pressure on things. What would be the best for me would be to at some point start dating with an attitude "let's just see what happens".
Just go out there with an open mind, and see what happens.

Before I really start dating, though, I want to do a proper nofap streak. To give my brain some time to readjust from all these years of porn watching. I just know deep down, if the most handsome person would stand in front of me and "want me", nothing would happen, because my brain is still used to the high intensity hardcore porn/sex chatting.

This is anyway good timing, since it wouldn't hurt me to lose some weight and become fit. There's at least 16kg of fat I could and should lose to become fit and lean again. Since there is a monkeypox outbreak going on among lgbt+ people in my country at the moment, it is anyway not a bad idea to wait with dating for a wile.

My aim is now to keep away from porn, sex chatting and BDSM until at least December. Similarly, I will keep masturbation to an absolute minimum. Ideally I want the next orgasm to be when I have sex with a real person.

To help losing weight besides a healthy diet, I started up a swimming routine. I want to go for a 30 minute swim at least 2x a week before work.
Lets see how this goes!

Cheers,
Josh

 

[PlntJP91]

Wow. 9 months have passed since my last post here.
I managed to stay off porn and sex chatting for some days, but then relapsed again. I somehow kinda decided this porn fapping wasn’t a problem after all.

As a result, none of the goals I described earlier were achieved. And the addiction grew. I now even was sex chatting at work, on my phone. My motivation to get out of the house is as low as it has been before. And I’m still single and lonely.

So clearly this strategy has not worked at all. In fact I am realizing more and more that this way of living is meaningless. My life is slowly losing it’s meaning.

So in the last month I’ve taken some first steps into the right direction. I joined a swimming association. And 2 days ago I deleted all the sex chatting apps, porn sites, Bdsm profiles from my phone. It’s time to heal. And build the meaning back into my life.

How exactly I’ll do that I’m now sure yet. The coming time I will use to figure that out.

 

[Androg]

Wow. 9 months have passed since my last post here.
I managed to stay off porn and sex chatting for some days, but then relapsed again. I somehow kinda decided this porn fapping wasn’t a problem after all.

As a result, none of the goals I described earlier were achieved. And the addiction grew. I now even was sex chatting at work, on my phone. My motivation to get out of the house is as low as it has been before. And I’m still single and lonely.

So clearly this strategy has not worked at all. In fact I am realizing more and more that this way of living is meaningless. My life is slowly losing it’s meaning.

So in the last month I’ve taken some first steps into the right direction. I joined a swimming association. And 2 days ago I deleted all the sex chatting apps, porn sites, Bdsm profiles from my phone. It’s time to heal. And build the meaning back into my life.

How exactly I’ll do that I’m now sure yet. The coming time I will use to figure that out.

Would it help to give MO a rest for a while.

 

[PlntJP91]

So, 10 days have passed.
It were days with heavy ups and downs.
With the conclusion that indeed I’ll also need to give the MO a rest for a while.

Although I haven’t made new profiles for sex chatting, I did go online on a chatting site which didn’t require an account, which in the end - obviously - resulted in PMO.

So I’ve now blocked this page. It’s interesting to notice how often my brain is looking for the dopamine shot of porn/sex chatting. It’s only now how well I realise how often and regularly I would do this.

Now that I’m aware that even the smallest initial craving will always lead to (P)MO, it’s become easier to resist them. I’m now at day 3, and I must have already resisted 30 cravings, if not more.

So, it’s now a matter of remaining vigilant until the cravings start to weaken. Although I have the feeling that they first will become stronger…

lets see…

 

[PlntJP91]

Today I'm at day five without PMO and MO. Although there were some setbacks in the last 2 weeks, they are becoming more rare. The cravings are also mostly gone now. As are my sexual feelings; It feels like I'm entering the flatline.

Besides stopping with (P)MO, I have also drastically reduced my social media usage. Although less intense, I realised that social media is also very addicting, and it also hijacks the dopaminergic reward system. After quitting porn and sex chatting, I could spend hours and hours watching stupid videos on insta/tiktok.. Stuff I didn't even want to watch, but which would give a similar but weaker dopamine spike in my brain.
Therefore I decided to also get rid of these apps.

As a result, I now entered what I can best describe as a "dopamine low". Basically I feel as bored, unmotivated, tired and grumpy as the last few months, but now without the intense dopamine highs of the porn watching sessions. Although I thus feel pretty down at the moment, it also feels good. It feels more natural somehow, like I can feel my brain is rebalancing to a more natural state.. Similarly, I'm building a more healthy life; I go swimming ~2 times a week, and I joined a Zen meditation group. Although it may still take a long time, I feel that I'm slowly going into the right direction, step by step...

 

[Androg]

Today I'm at day five without PMO and MO. Although there were some setbacks in the last 2 weeks, they are becoming more rare. The cravings are also mostly gone now. As are my sexual feelings; It feels like I'm entering the flatline.

Besides stopping with (P)MO, I have also drastically reduced my social media usage. Although less intense, I realised that social media is also very addicting, and it also hijacks the dopaminergic reward system. After quitting porn and sex chatting, I could spend hours and hours watching stupid videos on insta/tiktok.. Stuff I didn't even want to watch, but which would give a similar but weaker dopamine spike in my brain.
Therefore I decided to also get rid of these apps.

As a result, I now entered what I can best describe as a "dopamine low". Basically I feel as bored, unmotivated, tired and grumpy as the last few months, but now without the intense dopamine highs of the porn watching sessions. Although I thus feel pretty down at the moment, it also feels good. It feels more natural somehow, like I can feel my brain is rebalancing to a more natural state.. Similarly, I'm building a more healthy life; I go swimming ~2 times a week, and I joined a Zen meditation group. Although it may still take a long time, I feel that I'm slowly going into the right direction, step by step...

Sounds like you’re doing all the right things. Hopefully the color will come back into your life before long.

 

[PlntJP91]

1,5 months have passed. The last 6 weeks were tough, disappointing, but also very fruitful. Let's start with the bad news: I did not manage to achieve any long streak without PMO & MO. So that's very frustrating. I now only PMO'ed when I was feeling very depressed. It's not an excuse, but I do see it as progress, as the cravings disappeared. I now only used it as (desperate) pain relief.

And there is also the fruitful part. I am starting to understand the underlying reasons I'm so hooked on this shit. Since I started my daily meditation routine, I am becoming more aware of my inner world of thoughts and feeling. A world I have been avoiding for 10 years.
This helped me to reach some important realisations. I am stuck in a world full of negative thoughts and painful, depressed feelings. A world full of anxiety. This anxiety I've had for over 15 years. And the anxiety has been in charge for over 15 years. I have been avoiding things like going out, dating, exercising, joining associations for so long, it has made me deeply depressed. Basically, the only positive thing I could experience was PMO.

Now that I'm quitting PMO, I begin to understand this. To truly stop with PMO, I need to start battling this anxiety. Because the same anxiety is trying to ruin all good plans and developments I mentioned in my earlier post. It is trying to suck me back in.

So I have decided to find help. Next week I will have an intake with a psychologist, to talk about these problems. Hopefully they can help give me the tools to battle and overcome this anxiety, so I can start building a meaningful, PMO-free life...

 

[Androg]

Hope your voyage of discovery pays big dividends.