A Good Warrior once was weak too.

Peter777

Member
Hello Everyone. Nice to meet anyone reading this.
Call me by the nickname Peter. It's a good day today...
I've joined this Forum and started this journal because I thought that maybe here was a place I could find some help.

  • Background: I think I've been using PMO for almost 10 years or so. It all started only with fapping but it didn't take too much for porn to join. Very young (my 10s). Some family problems and another reasons I'm not that sure were the main factor. Used it for 3 or 4 years non-stop almost everyday without caring about anything. But it only took some months to make me severely addicted. At the 4th year or so it became a problem when I wanted to quit and noticed I couldn't. Since then I've been struggling with it until now and was able to be clean from porn for 2 years, even if I wasn't able to stop fapping. Pandemic hit and it didn't take long for me to return to this addiction (due to many reasons but the main was isolation). It returned let's say "okay" but after 1 year back or so it became worse and the consequences aren't worth to pay at all. So 3 to 4 months ago I decided to change my strategy and I'm taking any necessary means to make this go away for good. So this journal is one of many of these new plots. My Goal is only one: Make this stop and never come back. Not only porn, also fapping. I just want it to stop, that's all. The rest will be a consequence.
  • Even if I did it so many times since I've started until today, I learned with my relapses. But it's recently (beginning of this year) that the major reasons came to light. If the physical aspect (brain change and bad habits) were the only problem that would be actually "easy to solve", so to speak, but the reasons are two: I have a intimacy disorder (not sure if it's called like that anyone is free to correct if they know a better name for this) and there's a sense of hopelessness towards life due to wrong belief. One thing it's worth mentioning: The worst time I had regarding this addiction was when I attached to someone and needed to cut this person out. Those were the most frequent and intense relapses I ever had. To summarize: PMO for me is a way of coping with emotional disorder and a way of medicating real life problems stress/anxiety. So the only way for me to stop this is if I take care of these problems along with the brain rewiring. I think I already said enough.
  • I strongly believe everything of this will be past after some years and I have big goals for life, but as long as this is around: I don't think they can be properly achieved. So I'm counting on everyone that is willing to help, thank you.

Day 0
  • Did I use porn today? Yes. Reset my counter at 3:00 AM approx.
  • What were my triggers? Mostly being alone but anxiety could be one.
  • How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? I tried talking to some people but after the scenario is set for acting out you already know the outcome.
  • What am I grateful for today? For starting this. I think this was a new step on this journey. Maybe if I keep up with this it will be something to make me keep my streak. I'm tiring of battling this "alone", I think I need someone to keep me on the road and make me come back to myself when needed...
  • 10h 44m done.
 

Peter777

Member
Relapse

  • When: Day 3. Thrice, but not on the same day.
  • Triggers: My mental state got out of control.
  • Countermeasures: I think I did what I could. But it wasn't enough to hit it on the root.
  • What's next: I need to calm myself and get some grip first. Then Imma take a look in what's on my mind.
That was intense, cool reminder that ain't worth it. I think I'll build something to make me remind of this sensation 'cause it's really easy to forget.
I feel out of myself. It's relieving, but it doesn't last for more than two days I think. I need to review stuff I already forgot.
Without further ado, let's reset the counter and here we go again on Day 0.
 

podvig

Member
Hello Everyone. Nice to meet anyone reading this.
Call me by the nickname Peter. It's a good day today...
I've joined this Forum and started this journal because I thought that maybe here was a place I could find some help.

  • Background: I think I've been using PMO for almost 10 years or so. It all started only with fapping but it didn't take too much for porn to join. Very young (my 10s). Some family problems and another reasons I'm not that sure were the main factor. Used it for 3 or 4 years non-stop almost everyday without caring about anything. But it only took some months to make me severely addicted. At the 4th year or so it became a problem when I wanted to quit and noticed I couldn't. Since then I've been struggling with it until now and was able to be clean from porn for 2 years, even if I wasn't able to stop fapping. Pandemic hit and it didn't take long for me to return to this addiction (due to many reasons but the main was isolation). It returned let's say "okay" but after 1 year back or so it became worse and the consequences aren't worth to pay at all. So 3 to 4 months ago I decided to change my strategy and I'm taking any necessary means to make this go away for good. So this journal is one of many of these new plots. My Goal is only one: Make this stop and never come back. Not only porn, also fapping. I just want it to stop, that's all. The rest will be a consequence.
  • Even if I did it so many times since I've started until today, I learned with my relapses. But it's recently (beginning of this year) that the major reasons came to light. If the physical aspect (brain change and bad habits) were the only problem that would be actually "easy to solve", so to speak, but the reasons are two: I have a intimacy disorder (not sure if it's called like that anyone is free to correct if they know a better name for this) and there's a sense of hopelessness towards life due to wrong belief. One thing it's worth mentioning: The worst time I had regarding this addiction was when I attached to someone and needed to cut this person out. Those were the most frequent and intense relapses I ever had. To summarize: PMO for me is a way of coping with emotional disorder and a way of medicating real life problems stress/anxiety. So the only way for me to stop this is if I take care of these problems along with the brain rewiring. I think I already said enough.
  • I strongly believe everything of this will be past after some years and I have big goals for life, but as long as this is around: I don't think they can be properly achieved. So I'm counting on everyone that is willing to help, thank you.

Day 0
  • Did I use porn today? Yes. Reset my counter at 3:00 AM approx.
  • What were my triggers? Mostly being alone but anxiety could be one.
  • How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? I tried talking to some people but after the scenario is set for acting out you already know the outcome.
  • What am I grateful for today? For starting this. I think this was a new step on this journey. Maybe if I keep up with this it will be something to make me keep my streak. I'm tiring of battling this "alone", I think I need someone to keep me on the road and make me come back to myself when needed...
  • 10h 44m done.

Welcome. I'm new here too Peter, glad you are trying to defeat this pernicious habit once and for all. I'll follow and support you when I can.

Relapse

  • When: Day 3. Thrice, but not on the same day.
  • Triggers: My mental state got out of control.
  • Countermeasures: I think I did what I could. But it wasn't enough to hit it on the root.
  • What's next: I need to calm myself and get some grip first. Then Imma take a look in what's on my mind.
That was intense, cool reminder that ain't worth it. I think I'll build something to make me remind of this sensation 'cause it's really easy to forget.
I feel out of myself. It's relieving, but it doesn't last for more than two days I think. I need to review stuff I already forgot.
Without further ado, let's reset the counter and here we go again on Day 0.
A few things to share below that may help you on your journey into a PMO-free life, things I have discovered in the past couple weeks:

Instead of having a counter, it is far more effective to maintain a spreadsheet, IMO.

Counters will always have you going back to Day zero after each failure. This is really poor for motivation. Going from Day 1 > Day 30 > Day 1 > Day 50 > Day 1 > Day 10 > Day 1 etc. etc. it will feel like you are making no progress at all. If you tracked those same failures on a spreadsheet, you would see a 95%+ success rate in abstaining from PMO - this is a much better frame for the struggle.

Here is a link to a PMO spreadsheet, which I have used in my own signature below this post:

^^^
You can download this onto your computer, set up your own OnlyOffice account, and share it like I did in my signature. Just my suggestion, it's up to you. I think it acts as an extra layer of accountability, advertising in an explicit documented fashion how well our reboot is proceeding.

Also, i came across this excellent resource in the past couple days, which you may find useful on your journey:


God bless, and stay strong. You can do this.
 

JSP

Member
Hello Everyone. Nice to meet anyone reading this.
Call me by the nickname Peter. It's a good day today...
I've joined this Forum and started this journal because I thought that maybe here was a place I could find some help.

  • Background: I think I've been using PMO for almost 10 years or so. It all started only with fapping but it didn't take too much for porn to join. Very young (my 10s). Some family problems and another reasons I'm not that sure were the main factor. Used it for 3 or 4 years non-stop almost everyday without caring about anything. But it only took some months to make me severely addicted. At the 4th year or so it became a problem when I wanted to quit and noticed I couldn't. Since then I've been struggling with it until now and was able to be clean from porn for 2 years, even if I wasn't able to stop fapping. Pandemic hit and it didn't take long for me to return to this addiction (due to many reasons but the main was isolation). It returned let's say "okay" but after 1 year back or so it became worse and the consequences aren't worth to pay at all. So 3 to 4 months ago I decided to change my strategy and I'm taking any necessary means to make this go away for good. So this journal is one of many of these new plots. My Goal is only one: Make this stop and never come back. Not only porn, also fapping. I just want it to stop, that's all. The rest will be a consequence.
  • Even if I did it so many times since I've started until today, I learned with my relapses. But it's recently (beginning of this year) that the major reasons came to light. If the physical aspect (brain change and bad habits) were the only problem that would be actually "easy to solve", so to speak, but the reasons are two: I have a intimacy disorder (not sure if it's called like that anyone is free to correct if they know a better name for this) and there's a sense of hopelessness towards life due to wrong belief. One thing it's worth mentioning: The worst time I had regarding this addiction was when I attached to someone and needed to cut this person out. Those were the most frequent and intense relapses I ever had. To summarize: PMO for me is a way of coping with emotional disorder and a way of medicating real life problems stress/anxiety. So the only way for me to stop this is if I take care of these problems along with the brain rewiring. I think I already said enough.
  • I strongly believe everything of this will be past after some years and I have big goals for life, but as long as this is around: I don't think they can be properly achieved. So I'm counting on everyone that is willing to help, thank you.

Day 0
  • Did I use porn today? Yes. Reset my counter at 3:00 AM approx.
  • What were my triggers? Mostly being alone but anxiety could be one.
  • How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? I tried talking to some people but after the scenario is set for acting out you already know the outcome.
  • What am I grateful for today? For starting this. I think this was a new step on this journey. Maybe if I keep up with this it will be something to make me keep my streak. I'm tiring of battling this "alone", I think I need someone to keep me on the road and make me come back to myself when needed...
  • 10h 44m done.
When you find yourself in a setting that can trigger being alone with porn, get out. Immediately change the setting. Even if it’s just going out for a walk or getting into a public place. Do it immediately and thank yourself for it later. Hang in there buddy!!!
 

Peter777

Member
Welcome. I'm new here too Peter, glad you are trying to defeat this pernicious habit once and for all. I'll follow and support you when I can.


A few things to share below that may help you on your journey into a PMO-free life, things I have discovered in the past couple weeks:

Instead of having a counter, it is far more effective to maintain a spreadsheet, IMO.

Counters will always have you going back to Day zero after each failure. This is really poor for motivation. Going from Day 1 > Day 30 > Day 1 > Day 50 > Day 1 > Day 10 > Day 1 etc. etc. it will feel like you are making no progress at all. If you tracked those same failures on a spreadsheet, you would see a 95%+ success rate in abstaining from PMO - this is a much better frame for the struggle.

Here is a link to a PMO spreadsheet, which I have used in my own signature below this post:

^^^
You can download this onto your computer, set up your own OnlyOffice account, and share it like I did in my signature. Just my suggestion, it's up to you. I think it acts as an extra layer of accountability, advertising in an explicit documented fashion how well our reboot is proceeding.

Also, i came across this excellent resource in the past couple days, which you may find useful on your journey:


God bless, and stay strong. You can do this.
Thank you for sharing this resource, I'll take your suggestion into consideration. But I won't lie that I want this pride of having a counter with how many days I didn't relapse.

When I first got clean I've been clean for quite a time, if I had that number that would actually give me some hope/motivation to keep going. The counter will help me developing the belief that for each day I relapsed there's another one I didn't and that would make me feel better. I don't feel exactly like starting from scratch so that's not exactly a problem, but the spreadsheet might help me doing some interesting stuff with Python, so thank you, we've got this.
 

Peter777

Member
To remember: Everything starts with the mind and with beliefs

Had a interesting conversation with a guy from my workplace today, he doesn't know about the problem, but what he told me will actually help me on this.

We've talked about identity and about the pattern of man we should be, it helped me to identify one lie I believe.
I think this will help me with the emotional disorder and the lie I've been believing for some amount of time. Maybe not knowing who I am made me believe that relapsing was the way out. As always, I only come back to my senses at the end, but this problem could be avoided if I didn't believe wrong things...
Here's the truth I want my future self to remember:

- You're a man.

A real man does not need porn. Real men are not slaves from their desires. They know how to control themselves, both urges and emotions.
We live in a society that sex became a god and now what we have is a lot of men spending their energy on something that is not even real, slaves of their urges and what's worst is that a lot of them think that it's okay to be like that. C'mon, is that the life you want to live? If so you're free to decide but it's not your case right?

You're born to be a leader, a visionary, someone who works to achieve something bigger, not that kid that is controlled by any kind of urge and emotion. You're more than that! And the only person that needs to know that is yourself, but you don't, no wonder why you keep relapsing.

Get that thing done bro, do it.
Do you feel sad? Get something done, don't let this take hold of you, you're not your sadness.
Do you feel lonely? Plenty of people outside there, you already know where to find them, put that phone away and go talk to someone!
A sad memory came up? Just have to build new ones.
Urges are rampant? Coldshowers. Pushups. Now. No time to lose thinking bullshit.

After all the only problem is your own head. You're not dying for not having sex. You know that yourself.
Soon enough you'll be beautiful and won't notice it yourself huh.
Just remember where you came from when you talk 'k. Cheering up for ya.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey Peter, I understand your need to want to count days and the motivation that brings. I count days here at RN and it really motivates me, but I also use Fortify, which is an app that you can use for free that will give you the best of both worlds; where you have your days counted, and your total days shown altogether. So for me it shows my current 297 days streak, my four days setbacks over the last fourteen months, and my total 439 days of being clean. Seeing both of these numbers together is very motivating.

Here's a screenshot of what it looks like...
fortify.png

Either way, do what works for you, because that's all that really matters in the end.

You're doing the right thing by being here, keep it up.
 
Last edited:

Peter777

Member
Porn is gone.

I finally feel free again.
I knew it was a heart condition, I knew it.

Even forgot this sensation. The feeling of not being controlled again. The feeling of not being so weak.

May I never forget the sensation I used to feel everytime I finished relapsing.
Crazy to think what relationship issues can make you do to yourself.

Well, the worst is already down. Now I need to take care of the fapping.
But that's a brain circuitry problem.

Good riddance, Porn. I won't miss you and I'll make sure you cannot open the door again.
August 5, 2022
 
Last edited:

Peter777

Member
11 days clean

Things to consider:
  • What now? Well this is a good achievement but it isn't over yet. At least not completely. With Porn out of the way we gotta reprogram the system and keep the good habits otherwise it won't take too much for a relapse to come. Keep managing things well. Complete recovery will take some more time.
  • What if I relapse? As any addiction, recovery is a process. If a relapse comes make sure to get back on track as soon as possible. It's already way easier to keep this thing under control than before. Sure thing is: The gap is definitely way bigger. One relapse in 100 days or so might not be a problem. The goal is to make this gap the hugest as possible while old patterns are replaced by new ones and the pathway responsible for the addiction gets weaker and weaker. It's already quite weak, make it die completely. Focus on the good news and keep the mind safe.
  • To remember: It's another life. I already can feel the "superpowers" as they say but just one spark is enough to mess it all up. I really feel like another person. A better version of myself. It's definitely worth it. If I manage to purge this completely as I wrote at the presentation, who knows the results! I mean 11 days no big deal I already feel quite good, 300+ days might do wonders for me.

Stay strong, we'll get there if we don't rush.
Congratulations!
 

Peter777

Member
I'm still here

Hey there.
It has been some months, and we're almost at the end of the year.
Things got a lot better since the last time.
No, I still didn't manage to purge the addiction completely, but this will be just a consequence because some huge stuff is already gone.
Well, what to say? In my opinion things are better than ever to be honest.

I engaged in some activities, built some relationships and kept searching for a way of fulfilling my need of a meaning and purpose. Dedicating time to Spirituality and renewing my mind made wonders for my overall health but there's still just a little thing that needs to be gone for me to stop relapsing once for all.

I also have noticed that all of that "heavy charge" this addiction had over me is gone because of those things. Now the only thing that I need to do is to learn how to process and manage my own emotions. If something that goes straight to the heart happens and I don't know how to manage, it's very very hard not to relapse. I'm learning how to cope with that without having to use destructive behaviors as a way of medicating this.

But let's focus on the good news:
- Stress is not a crucial trigger anymore;
- Life is more fulfilling;
- Things are easier to manage.

After all this just proves the initial guess since I got serious about recovering from this: PMO was never the root, it was always the symptom.

And still is.
That's the reason I'm taking care of the root.
Good day for everybody.
 
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