Escape and never come back

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 2

I've decided to start this new journal because I have so many negative emotions about the other one and it can even be deleted as far as I'm concerned. It reminds me of a version of myself that I'm trying to leave behind. I've embarrassed myself enough in that thread and I desperately need to stop embarrassing myself, stop hating myself and stop living in that sort of drama, mentally-wise. And I know it's not going to be easy.

Today is Day 2 and I'm trying to save myself.

So what the fuck happened? It was going so well, right? Nothing is really going well with me because I lack the proper mentality and I'm addicted to this kind of defective self-hating mentality. This needs to change. I had been coming from a perfectly achieved almost 3 weeks streak of abstinence from alcohol and PMO. Things were going pretty well but I was too depressed and felt deprived of pleasure and self-medication. I felt I could continue anyway. I had been denying myself the "invitation" to get drunk. Until day 19 of alcohol abstinence when I finally gave in. I listened to the addicted me saying "drink a little bit because you can handle it." I know I can't handle porn and alcohol. Once I start, I don't stop. I got a little drunk, not out cold, and then I binged PMO. And I proceeded to PMO every day from then on until 2 days ago. Alcohol has been involved too in some days.

I know it sounds like a cliche but nobody comes to save myself. In order to escape this stupid empty life of a guy addicted to drama, self-hate and addictive behaviors and substances I need to go through the suffering that it implies. Those days when I feel so depressed and deprived of "pleasure", when I feel so empty and low, those are the price I need to pay for living for pleasure.

There is no miracle cure that is waiting for me somewhere, this is just the mentality when you postpone the suck that needs to be lived in order to escape. Nobody escapes pleasure easily. Pleasure and pain are the two faces of the same coin, after pleasure there comes pain and after pain you use pleasure.

It's not difficult to describe my situation: Trying to fix my shattered inner world with "drugs". Somewhere very early in my life I got this self-medicating programming, I don't know how but my default mentality became self-medication, instant relief, running away from my life, "rewarding" myself from enduring the pain of being me every day. And obviously, at the age of 31, it's clear that it doesn't work. It's been clear for longer but denial is one of the phases, usually the initial phase, you deny the problem until you can't run away from it anymore, it's right there in front of you and you recognize the problem.

Can someone transform himself from complete loser to hero? Of course. But will this someone do the hard work and suffering necessary for that? That's up to him. You can reinvent yourself in 3 years if you really invest the work.

Where am I now? Day 2, feeling like a complete wreck: No motivation, high anxiety, brain fog, high neuroticism basically. The typical PMO binge aftermath. But I'm trying to escape.
 
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Rumson

Member
Greetings, I realized in the last week ( I live alone abroad) that pity parties won't help, and if I don't move and make a difference I won't get over the addiction and how I feel. I need to be the master of my fate and take responsilibty and make things change. That being said, I'm back on Day 1.

With regards to the bullying, I think people sometimes say things in order to help us but their way of thinking and our way of processing what they meant don't alway line up. I truly hope you develop the discipline and habits to overcome your addictions. We're with you in this.
 

Awareness

Member
I hope you find an Accountability Partner or something similar in "real life". It really is so essential to move forward.

What else I realised is that PMO is not my problem, but the quick solution to all my other "problems" like bad feelings, conflicts, defeats, but also a way to celebrate myself and my ego. So I have to work on the "real" problems of my life.

I wish you much strength for the coming days.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Good job Escape on hanging in there and battling two things at once. I can't imagine how hard that would be!
 

Skittelz

Active Member
PMO x 2 on August 16

All I'm good at is counting PMOs...
Dude I have been reading your journals, and I want you to know that you inspire me. You are on one hell of a rough ride, and yet you are still fighting. Keep your head up, a failure here and there isn't the end of the world.

I agree that drinking is the more important vice to quit at the moment. Just focus on that. Eventually when you have beat the alcoholism down to a manageable level, you will be stronger and more prepared to fight the porn addiction.

You and I are more alike than you know, I have been where you are. As long as you keep fighting, you are not a loser, or "mediocre" as you said. I don't know many people who can even recognize when they have an addiction, and even fewer who will actually tackle it.

Keep fighting brother
 

Dungalef

Active Member
Keep it up @Escapeandnevercomeback, your determination and perseverance is outstanding.

Honestly, I wonder if it would be a good idea for you to focus for a while not on figuring out what you need to do to fix yourself (you do that so much already!) but instead to focus on how to make peace with yourself about who you are right now.

As long as you hate yourself, I don't think you'll care enough to actually treat yourself with the dignity and respect you deserve. Not sure what this could look like for you, but I really think that you need to find a way to forgive yourself and be patient, before you'll be able to hit a stride in your recovery. 🤷🏼‍♂️

Anyway, keep on keeping on. It's inspiring to me how you still keep going and going and going, picking yourself up over and over.
 

GeminiMan

Well-Known Member
@Escapeandnevercomeback
How are you doing brother ? I’ve Also been binging to chat rooms MOing and feeling terrible about myself past 2 days . I am lost ! Don’t see any light in future . I feel all problems in life has either a solution or the problem becomes irrelevant at one point . So is our P addiction.
It will become irrelevant once we die .
Or
It will be solved if we kick it out of our life! So we have time untill we die to live the dream we want or atleast we have time to keep trying to achieve our dream life .

So don’t beat yourself up . You don’t have to suffer this eternally . At one point it is going to become irrelevant.

But there is still an opportunity for us to turn the table around and leave behind our addictive behaviors .

Let us keep striving . I know we have tried so many times but yet on day 1,2 or 3.

Yes I too feel like a wreck .

Let us find that inner self of us that wants us to succeed, wants us to stay calm , peaceful and aware. wants to see us respect ourself , treat ourself as a human with a purpose , not look and feel about ourselves as a vehicle of seeking pleasure and highs .

Let us Find that inner essence and partner with it for life ! And then everything else will fall into places all by itself .
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Day 3

I'm away from home. On a vacation that I'm not even enjoying because I'm lethargic and I can't feel any excitement.

When I made preparations for this vacation I was very excited about it because my porn and alcohol streak were pushing 3 weeks. Since then I crashed hard. I binged over and over again, I PMOed 3 times right the day before leaving, I couldn't sleep all night, I only slept for 1 hour. Everything has turned out to be shit.

The end of this month and beginning of the next is going to be stressful and I'm not excited about it. The idea is clear: Life doesn't wait for me and nobody waits for me, things come my way and nobody gives a fuck that I'm post-binge, lethargic and feeling like shit mentally. There is absolutely nothing to justify why I should binge PMO and edging again but in the heat of the moment I don't see it. Maybe I will, hopefully I will, maybe things will start working out for me, that's what I hope. But for now, I'm not excited about the day.
 

k-fff

Well-Known Member
Day 3

I'm away from home. On a vacation that I'm not even enjoying because I'm lethargic and I can't feel any excitement.

When I made preparations for this vacation I was very excited about it because my porn and alcohol streak were pushing 3 weeks. Since then I crashed hard. I binged over and over again, I PMOed 3 times right the day before leaving, I couldn't sleep all night, I only slept for 1 hour. Everything has turned out to be shit.

The end of this month and beginning of the next is going to be stressful and I'm not excited about it. The idea is clear: Life doesn't wait for me and nobody waits for me, things come my way and nobody gives a fuck that I'm post-binge, lethargic and feeling like shit mentally. There is absolutely nothing to justify why I should binge PMO and edging again but in the heat of the moment I don't see it. Maybe I will, hopefully I will, maybe things will start working out for me, that's what I hope. But for now, I'm not excited about the day.
I definitely have similar pmo habits to you with the bingeing. The tunnel vision when there’s a trigger and the hours of edging is exactly how I am. What’s helped me a lot is just getting time and space away from p, the access to it just being cut off because then my brain doesn’t see at as an option because like you the tunnel vision is so strong and I am just in autopilot.
 

k-fff

Well-Known Member
I don’t know how much you need internet or your smart phone, but I would consider getting rid of anything that connects to the internet and get a flip phone. Forced space away from p until urges can become more manageable.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I don’t know how much you need internet or your smart phone, but I would consider getting rid of anything that connects to the internet and get a flip phone. Forced space away from p until urges can become more manageable.
Lately, my porn watching used to happen on my phone because on computer I have a parental control type of thing which, although I can deactivate it just like that, I haven't done it yet. It blocks access to all those known porn websites however, Saturday, the urges were absolutely wild, I desperately searched for porn and I found some proxy or whatever it is, a variant of a familiar porn website that for some reason it's not blocked by the parental control and that was it. I started watching a scene and the high was so strong. I don't know what's like to smoke crack but I'm sure they went through something similar. The high is so strong that it goes without saying it will not be forgotten too soon. The brain knows, it stores it in the memory and then when things are difficult for you with the urges, it bothers you with it. I'm not sure I could keep myself away from porn with a brick phone. I think what needs to keep myself away from porn is me because I can find ways to use porn if I really want to.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
4 days clean but in the morning I realized I'm a week sober, I hadn't even seen it because I focused too much on my porn streak. Sleep was alright, it has improved since that horror night before leaving on vacation where I slept for 1 hour. I still feel the same, not much improvement, I feel lethargic, unmotivated, uninterested and unexcited about anything... I'm waiting for it to change but I will probably end the vacation by then... I have not enjoyed one bit from this vacation so far, I can't feel any joy. It's probably the most disastrous vacation I've had this year...
 
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