Awareness
Member
Thank you @Escapeandnevercomeback and @Blondie for your thoughts! It is not easy for me to write this here now, also in light of your support.
Unfortunately, there is no more need to discuss whether it was a relapse or not, as I unfortunately PMO tonight.
The causal chain could be predicted. Thursday this gray area, no real P, but somehow something like that and then last night just returning from a trip around midnight and breaking the routine.
As paradoxical as it sounds, maybe it was "good" that it happened tonight. It wasn't a debauched session and immediately afterwards I thought my world was falling apart. But looking back, it also came to that because I wanted to lie to myself and use the gray area again tonight.
For me, obviously, there can be no more gray areas. If I use something as a substitute a relapse is almost foreseeable in the coming days. Therefore, any behavior that is related to search is like a relapse for me, since almost worse than directly PMO. As @Escapeandnevercomeback described it as the 2 second rule.
So I'm going back to square one as far as counting is concerned. As for my recovery I am grateful for the last almost two weeks. I am very confident that by turning small screws (I will uninstall Spotify as hard as it is for now) I can avoid the events of the last two days in the future.
The feeling of having left you guys hanging too remains. And maybe it's good that I have this feeling, because it keeps me from continuing with PMO today and thinking about what I'm actually doing one more time in the future.
I am learning to endure these feelings, to deal with them better, to break the PMO cycle directly, to go back and carry on better and wiser than before, to pay attention and not get too down and dragged down.
Unfortunately, there is no more need to discuss whether it was a relapse or not, as I unfortunately PMO tonight.
The causal chain could be predicted. Thursday this gray area, no real P, but somehow something like that and then last night just returning from a trip around midnight and breaking the routine.
As paradoxical as it sounds, maybe it was "good" that it happened tonight. It wasn't a debauched session and immediately afterwards I thought my world was falling apart. But looking back, it also came to that because I wanted to lie to myself and use the gray area again tonight.
For me, obviously, there can be no more gray areas. If I use something as a substitute a relapse is almost foreseeable in the coming days. Therefore, any behavior that is related to search is like a relapse for me, since almost worse than directly PMO. As @Escapeandnevercomeback described it as the 2 second rule.
So I'm going back to square one as far as counting is concerned. As for my recovery I am grateful for the last almost two weeks. I am very confident that by turning small screws (I will uninstall Spotify as hard as it is for now) I can avoid the events of the last two days in the future.
The feeling of having left you guys hanging too remains. And maybe it's good that I have this feeling, because it keeps me from continuing with PMO today and thinking about what I'm actually doing one more time in the future.
I am learning to endure these feelings, to deal with them better, to break the PMO cycle directly, to go back and carry on better and wiser than before, to pay attention and not get too down and dragged down.