Formatting the hard drive

Awareness

Member
Thank you @Escapeandnevercomeback and @Blondie for your thoughts! It is not easy for me to write this here now, also in light of your support.

Unfortunately, there is no more need to discuss whether it was a relapse or not, as I unfortunately PMO tonight.
The causal chain could be predicted. Thursday this gray area, no real P, but somehow something like that and then last night just returning from a trip around midnight and breaking the routine.

As paradoxical as it sounds, maybe it was "good" that it happened tonight. It wasn't a debauched session and immediately afterwards I thought my world was falling apart. But looking back, it also came to that because I wanted to lie to myself and use the gray area again tonight.

For me, obviously, there can be no more gray areas. If I use something as a substitute a relapse is almost foreseeable in the coming days. Therefore, any behavior that is related to search is like a relapse for me, since almost worse than directly PMO. As @Escapeandnevercomeback described it as the 2 second rule.

So I'm going back to square one as far as counting is concerned. As for my recovery I am grateful for the last almost two weeks. I am very confident that by turning small screws (I will uninstall Spotify as hard as it is for now) I can avoid the events of the last two days in the future.

The feeling of having left you guys hanging too remains. And maybe it's good that I have this feeling, because it keeps me from continuing with PMO today and thinking about what I'm actually doing one more time in the future.
I am learning to endure these feelings, to deal with them better, to break the PMO cycle directly, to go back and carry on better and wiser than before, to pay attention and not get too down and dragged down.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Good insights, Awareness. I’ve also found that using substitutes leads to relapse, because I convince myself that something is okay to look at. Trouble is that the brain always craves something stronger, and it leads to looking at porn.

I think it’s good that you caught yourself quickly, this means you can start over without losing any more time to the relapse!
 

Awareness

Member
So much depends on the right attitude.
If I believe that the new start will be hard and strenuous, demanding privations from me, then it will also be strenuous and almost impossible.

At the same time, no PMO is the greatest thing I can experience. P gives me nothing at all. Any day without P, no matter how bad, is better than any day with P. I look forward to all days without it.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
For me, obviously, there can be no more gray areas. If I use something as a substitute a relapse is almost foreseeable in the coming days. Therefore, any behavior that is related to search is like a relapse for me, since almost worse than directly PMO.
This is a good lesson to learn.

Don't beat yourself up too much about this. Unfortunately (or fortunately), most of us don't quit cold turkey, but have to slowly learn this or that about ourselves before finding victory, and it seems you've learned a great lesson.

Slowly we rise, but rise we shall!
 
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Awareness

Member
Two bad days with PMO Monday and Tuesday are behind me.
I have the feeling to start all over again. Tiredness regarding this topic has spread - a thought that maybe I'm just telling myself that I'm addicted is spreading through me. The last two days have shown once again that you can't talk yourself into an addiction.

My hope now is that I can build on the time before the weekend and find joy in recovery again.
PMO draws so much life energy out of me, constant thoughts of guilt and shame that I try to suppress, thoughts of recovery or else of P. Finally, the act of PMO itself, which draws an enormous amount of strength, joy and happiness out of me.

I'm sorry this is so negatively worded. It's hard to be positive about the next few days right now. Back in this forum, I will handle PMO freely for the next few days and see the meaning in everything again - that is my biggest drive at this moment.
 

Awareness

Member
This is a good lesson to learn.

Don't beat yourself up too much about this. Unfortunately (or fortunately), most of us don't quit cold turkey, but have to slowly learn this or that about ourselves before finding victory, and it seems you've learned a great lesson.

Slowly we rise, but rise we shall!
Thanks @Blondie , I'm trying to get back on track and follow my good habits.
 

Awareness

Member
I'm trying to pick up where I left off. Yesterday I succeeded well. No PMO despite some challenges and fears.
Immediately I notice how much better I feel.

It's amazing that the brain can network something like PMO so well - I think we all know the neurochemistry behind it. But the bad feelings afterwards, the feelings of guilt and shame, all the problems associated with them, are obviously not linked by the brain to PMO, otherwise it would have to mark them as a danger first and want to avoid them because they threaten the existence and not the opposite.
That's one part I don't understand.
The good thing is that I don't have to understand it for the reboot.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I'm trying to pick up where I left off. Yesterday I succeeded well. No PMO despite some challenges and fears.
Immediately I notice how much better I feel.

It's amazing that the brain can network something like PMO so well - I think we all know the neurochemistry behind it. But the bad feelings afterwards, the feelings of guilt and shame, all the problems associated with them, are obviously not linked by the brain to PMO, otherwise it would have to mark them as a danger first and want to avoid them because they threaten the existence and not the opposite.
That's one part I don't understand.
The good thing is that I don't have to understand it for the reboot.
Maybe it's because the brain doesn't make a difference between porn and sex/reproduction. When you PMO, the brain thinks you just reproduced. In this regard, I see why it will not "care" about how we feel after that because the number one job for us is keeping the species from disappearing. It would be dangerous to have a neuronal system that says: "Okay, if this guy feels guilt, shame, lethargy, anxiety etc. then make him not desire reproduction anymore." I don't know, just my opinion.
 

Awareness

Member
That sounds logical @Escapeandnevercomeback . And this reasoning also leads back to the difficulty of stopping, namely that the brain actually cannot distinguish. Very bizarre, since our consciousness can already do this.

The days after a relapse are obviously always different for me. Sometimes my motivation is unrestricted and I have absolutely no desire to PMO, sometimes, like now, I have a discussion with myself in the evening, not to exploit any grey areas and to keep reminding myself how bad I feel afterwards.

But I have better days again, it helps me to keep reminding myself that every day without PMO is a good day, or at least a better day than with PMO.
 

Awareness

Member
I have a very full weekend with unfortunately a lot of work, which in the end I also chose for myself.
Nevertheless, I notice a basic tension and had the original impulse during the lunch break that I could do PMO now to come down, relax and completely immerse myself in another world.

My decision was finally to post here in the forum, which was a very positive decision.

But I know that the evening will present me with this decision again. Which is why I will now plan my evening carefully.
Preparation is everything!
 

Awareness

Member
Day 1 - I have been writing in this forum for almost a month now.
One of my not longest but most enjoyable PMO free periods was this month. However, I wonder why I keep returning to PMO.
I meditate every morning, exercise almost daily, have two accountability partners I can call anytime and share my habits with them and I share things with you here.
I have the same difficulties to cope with in life as everyone, but I am not doing badly emotionally, professionally and in my partnership. So what is going on? What am I missing?

The pattern I have identified is that evenings are very difficult for me. Throughout the day I have no desire to PMO, there are triggers clearly but I don't pursue it. In the evenings, however, I feel like I need to let myself go again, reward myself and not want to sleep yet. I notice how sleep feels more like a punishment to me than a rest - I want to put it off as long as possible and mostly I don't do it with healthy things like eating a lot, playing video games, youtube or something like that. There's even a technical term for it, as there is for everything: "Revenge bedtime procastination".

I think it's crucial for me to develop a good, realistic evening routine in the coming days. I usually plan unrealistic things like sport at 7pm, reading at 9pm and then going straight to sleep. So I will deal with the above-mentioned topic and try to establish recommendations (and not my own thoughts) for an evening routine.

The other aspect I have noticed is that I am not good at dealing with emotions and feelings. This comes full circle as during the day I can skillfully avoid and distract myself from these, but in the evening I cannot. There I start to ruminate, to think about the day, to think about what I haven't managed yet, what lies ahead, what fears I have. And what could be more natural than to push these feelings and emotions away in the evening with the possibilities of modern technology? Accordingly, I will also concentrate on developing mechanisms to better deal with feelings and emotions. I have known about this for a long time and it is nothing new in the "reboot community", but I have never really done anything about it. So I'm going to make progress in this aspect, too, and find out what ways and techniques there are.

I am very grateful for ideas and suggestions in both cases! Maybe I can turn my big question mark into an exclamation mark.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
That's right, when we dig deep, we eventually find the reason why. There is always a reason for someone to keep an addictive behavior or substance in their life long after the negative effects in their lives are clear.

I can relate to the sleep thing. I am somehow hyperactive and I fall asleep hard. Last night it took me about 2 hours of being in bed to fall asleep! I don't enjoy going to sleep and it's like a chore for me, a punishment to have to do it. I mean, this goes for going to sleep at some decent hour, like 10 PM. I've been hyperactive like that all my life. My natural flow is to go to sleep late. Even when I was a kid, my parents struggled with me to put me to sleep early because I fell asleep still late. I can stay up til 2-3 in the morning easy before feeling like maybe now I'm tired, I should go to sleep. As a matter of fact, I used to stay up till 2 in the morning when I didn't have to wake up early. I'm not sure it's healthy but I'm sure it's detrimental for me when I have to wake up at 5 in the morning for work, I sleep only about 3 hours maybe. I've been trying for a while to go to sleep earlier, wake up earlier, but I still have that feeling that I want to go to sleep late, it never feels normal. :p Even after all this time trying to go to sleep at 10. Fuck.
 

Awareness

Member
Day 3 - My evening routine is good so far. I don't drink coffee after 2pm. Since I associate coffee with a break and feeling good, I drink cocoa or something similar instead to give me a good alternative. The fact that it gets dark earlier is also very beneficial.
 

Awareness

Member
Day 5
Lots of changes in my life at the moment and also some challenges I am facing.
I feel worry and also fear if I can do it all and notice how I increasingly revert to grey areas, which sucks because it just costs me time and energy.

Last night I had an interesting conversation with myself. At one point I spoke like a parent to their child: you don't really want this, it doesn't give you anything, on the contrary, you find it repulsive. That was very interesting, because in many situations I still feel like a hurt, immature teenager, who makes irrational decisions without wanting to think about the future, vies for attention, wants to cause trouble and is absolutely not ready to take responsibility for his actions and life.


One of the biggest lies I tell myself is a classic. "I deserve to switch off after a long day" or even "The day has been so good so far now I need to reward myself." I've caught myself thinking these thoughts the last two evenings.

On the following evenings, I want to take care of myself and my needs more. A good meal, socialising more again, taking a bath or something similar to turn this life lie into something positive, because I deserve something good and that is guaranteed not PMO.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Well done on observing your inner dialogue! A lot of people don’t even notice their own train of thought, and that makes it harder to control what we do throughout the day.

You do deserve something nice, to take care of yourself, but don’t let PMO hijack it and don’t let it be the reward. The smaller things might sound mundane, but they are what makes us better in the long run.

Keep up the good work!
 
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