My boyfriend and I had couples therapy on Tuesday and it was…insightful. I left the session feeling hopeful for the future and I think my boyfriend did too. I had one of the best nights I’ve had with him in a long time. Great morning too. Today, he returned to work after two days off and he unfortunately works nights/ mostly unsupervised. He called me as usual to tell me good night and I could tell he was in “one of those moods”…you know the kind—angry at the world and everything that isn’t feeding the addiction is his enemy. His moods are so unpredictable at this point it’s predictable. He can wake up sweet, attentive, loving, or he can wake up irritable, condescending, and frankly- a jerk. In this case it changed within a couple of hours. At this point in his recovery, it sounds sick to admit but at least when he was watching porn he was sweet and apologetic. Even if it was all bullshit. I had wanted to talk about the homework our therapist gave us but I could sense he wasn’t in a good place to hear it.
She told me to read “Codependent no more” by Melody Bettie and to abstain from all sexual activity for 30 days. We live together so this should be fun.
I’m 40 pages in the book and I’ll be honest—I scoffed at the idea that I was codependent. But it must be true seeing how triggered I am by reading this damn book!
“A codependent person is one who has let another persons behavior affect him or her and who then is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”
The night before therapy, I told him the frustrating thing about our relationship is that I can’t control whether or not he chooses porn. The only thing I can control is whether I leave him or if I stay. But honestly…I control a lot of things. I can make excuses to stay home instead of seeing my friends to be near him. I can choose to work from home more instead of going into the office (where I get more work done). I can look over his shoulder every time he’s texting to be certain it’s innocent. I have done exactly what the book defines the codependent person as: a hurt person who then becomes obsessed with controlling that other person’s behavior.
I didn’t consider myself controlling before I met him. I never wanted to know phone passwords, I chose to trust and give the benefit of the doubt, even when red flags are present. But at this point who cares how I got this way or whose fault it is—they are now my problems to face.
I often wonder once he beats this lil demon how I’m going to be left feeling. Will all the photos still haunt me? Those random sexts? Am I going to silently resent him for putting me and us through this? Will I love him less?
I had to ask myself again—will I love him less?
Committing to 30 days no sex I can already envision the benefits. We cut tonight’s phone call short because he wasn’t in the mood, and that’s okay. But If he chooses to watch porn during these 30 days at least I’m a little less affected than I was before this commitment. What I mean is for so long our sex life (penetrative) was contingent on whether or not he watched porn. I don’t have to worry about that for 30 days. Instead I have to worry about myself again. Who am I going to look like in 30 days? What do I want to do with my time now that I’m not obsessing over his?
If he chooses not to fight for this and give it all up for porn, so be it. I cant control that. But what I can control is whether I leave or whether I stay.
She told me to read “Codependent no more” by Melody Bettie and to abstain from all sexual activity for 30 days. We live together so this should be fun.
I’m 40 pages in the book and I’ll be honest—I scoffed at the idea that I was codependent. But it must be true seeing how triggered I am by reading this damn book!
“A codependent person is one who has let another persons behavior affect him or her and who then is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.”
The night before therapy, I told him the frustrating thing about our relationship is that I can’t control whether or not he chooses porn. The only thing I can control is whether I leave him or if I stay. But honestly…I control a lot of things. I can make excuses to stay home instead of seeing my friends to be near him. I can choose to work from home more instead of going into the office (where I get more work done). I can look over his shoulder every time he’s texting to be certain it’s innocent. I have done exactly what the book defines the codependent person as: a hurt person who then becomes obsessed with controlling that other person’s behavior.
I didn’t consider myself controlling before I met him. I never wanted to know phone passwords, I chose to trust and give the benefit of the doubt, even when red flags are present. But at this point who cares how I got this way or whose fault it is—they are now my problems to face.
I often wonder once he beats this lil demon how I’m going to be left feeling. Will all the photos still haunt me? Those random sexts? Am I going to silently resent him for putting me and us through this? Will I love him less?
I had to ask myself again—will I love him less?
Committing to 30 days no sex I can already envision the benefits. We cut tonight’s phone call short because he wasn’t in the mood, and that’s okay. But If he chooses to watch porn during these 30 days at least I’m a little less affected than I was before this commitment. What I mean is for so long our sex life (penetrative) was contingent on whether or not he watched porn. I don’t have to worry about that for 30 days. Instead I have to worry about myself again. Who am I going to look like in 30 days? What do I want to do with my time now that I’m not obsessing over his?
If he chooses not to fight for this and give it all up for porn, so be it. I cant control that. But what I can control is whether I leave or whether I stay.