Partner’s emotions toward Addict Spouse

ImBroken

Member
Sanity Check here fellow spouses… Day 10 - the worst day yet….These are the emotions I have felt and am feeling -

1. Embarrassed- My God…I am NO Puritan but I’m embarrassed for him and his problem
2. Disgusted - Hard for me to look at him - I can’t use any other word but disgust to describe what I feel when I look at him. I do not see the man I fell in love with.
3. Duty Bound - Those F’ing VOWS I took on our wedding day - the obligation to them is surreal
4. Less Than - I will never be able to compete with the porn he watches, nor do I want to. I have a super healthy ego. I have a strong urge to revenge cheat - not to hurt him - but to prove to myself that I am sexually worthy to a hell of a lot of people
5. Non-Supportive - I’m glad he‘s getting the help he needs right now and that’s fine - but I feel like I’m in a silo - I know I need help too - I just don’t want to relive this day after day after day.
6. Done - Today, I want to throw him out on his ass and he is ready for it - I have made it abundantly clear and knows it is not a threat. I really don’t think I will ever be able to love him the way I did before - for 30 years.
7. Unwilling - I had no idea how deep the addiction was and that sex - just sex - is not possible for him without porn or fantasy game induction - I don’t want to put in the work and be the dutiful spouse helping him with his f’ing issue.
8. Angry - there is no controlling this - it comes fast and it comes in waves and i have tiny panic attacks - I don’t like this feeling - I am not an angry person - I don’t want this to become a permanent part of me.
9. Complacent - I would have thrown him out but the thought of divorce, assets, families, pets, investments, life - getting divided is just too much to handle - I did not ask to be in this situation.
10. Foggy - My brain is usually focused - I am strategic in the rest of my life - I just feel like I can’t find my way out of a paper bag right now.
11. Resolute - Once a cheater always a cheater - This is his second offense in a different realm of pornography - pretty heavy, twisted shit. The recidivism rate is astronomical - so odds are he’ll do it again - why not just cut my losses now.

Am I missing anything - is anything on here a red flag - Are these universal feelings ????
 

Crumpled

New Member
Hi there, I could have written this myself, its a very accurate description and I am feeling the exact same pain. It comes in waves though, sometimes I can feel positive and other times I just get so engrossed in all the hurt and then find it hard to cope
 

joepanic

Respected Member
Ex-addict here It sounds like both of you need therapy and to be able to talk to someone. Most don't like to admit it but porn addiction is like any other addiction.... an illness and it can be cured.

post often it helps me it helps you
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I could go down your list and go check check check etc. You are the one that decides what you want to do. It is hard work to get through this and it truly takes the two of you working together. But, in the beginning when emotions are raw, I have to say was the worst experience of my life. I felt betrayed, unloved, unliked, ugly, old, stupid (because I didn’t know) mad because he hid well and I had been duped. Knew I could not be what he watched. Not at 60 anyway. I would go to some friend’s house because I did not want to look at him. Cried buckets every day. Could not go to work. It was like dying a thousand deaths. So I and others have felt your pain. And we understand.

But our marriage did make it through to the other side.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
I have a strong urge to revenge cheat - not to hurt him - but to prove to myself that I am sexually worthy to a hell of a lot of people
I also could tick off pretty much everything on your list, but this one resonates with me the most at the moment.
I walked away from my man 4 weeks ago, so some of the feelings in your list have subsided, but what I am struggling with at the moment is a compulsion to look on dating sites.
I found this really confusing as it's not what I want, and when I sat with the feelings and what thoughts were entering into my head before I felt the compulsion, what I discovered is I was thinking about the hurt I was feeling, how could I be treated this why, why did this happen to me, why would the man I love choose this crap over me........then boom, I'm wanting to soothe the hurt, I'm wanting to forget my man and everything he has done to me and our relationship and then next minute I'm thinking about an imaginary man that is going to be everything I want.....and then comes the compulsion to look on a dating site........more chance of finding a needle in a haystack, but hey that's another story.......I just thought this might be helpful.....or not!!!!!
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
Yup - that check list matches me pretty well as well. Been married 33 years, this is his 2nd time getting caught. (If nothing else, at least you know your normal.) We are about 6 months past "D Day".

I have felt everything you listed and more. As my husband puts in effort I feel these things less often. Unfortunately it's not a quick fix. It's through their honest efforts and consistency where things can begin to heal (unfortunately I am not a patient person and want this fixed NOW). And I am finding that even within this process, as he does things that cause me to want to open my heart again, it causes additional fear ( is this all an act, how long will he keep it up, am I just wasting more time). It may never be the same though. The reality is this "drug" is so easily accessible and most often FREE, and SO easy to hide that I wonder if I will ever fully trust him again.

That said, I have found my way to a place where I can force myself to focus on how good we are together in general life, we're a good team, and aside from this seemingly unsurmountable transgression there is so much about him I love. I will say that there is a least one moment every day where a lot of your check list still goes through my head.

For me, the wall is still up. I am working with him, he is sharing a lot (which is a big deal for him), I am sharing a lot (what have I got to lose at this point). This whole mess is a crazy roller coaster ride.

So, 6 months is, glad I hung around so far. We'll see what tomorrow brings.
 

Tha

Member
5. Sem apoio - feliz que ele tudo está recebendo uma ajuda bem agora - mas sinto que estou precisando também em um silo - sei também que preciso de ajuda - só não reviver este dia após dia após dia.
6. Feito - Hoje, quero derrubá-lo de que está pronto para isso - ficará abundante e bem claro e sei que não é uma ameaça. Eu realmente não acho que serei capaz de amá-lo do jeito que eu amava antes - por 30 anos.
There are days when I live all the items on your list at the same time and on others, some are left behind. This is all very new to me too. I'm sorry for all those years of anguish.

Today maybe these two feelings that I marked speak the loudest and, for me, they are the worst. I feel sick, I've put my job and self-care aside and I hate being like this. This situation consumes me. I'm exhausted from feeling this way, so I realized I could have two choices. Letting these feelings consume me and becoming something I am not and not suited to my principles (eg being vindictive) or doing something real and meaningful for myself. So I'm working on taking care of myself more. There are things that only we can do for ourselves. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself in this process.

I understand that there are things that are in our control and things that are not. We must focus our efforts on what we can control (even with a lot of effort). I can't (and don't want to) have to control my partner, watch over him, whether or not he uses PMO, or MO. That's what he must do. I no longer want to be the person who listens behind the door and does degrading things to find out if he is cheating. This is a personal limit I set myself. Only he has control over it and his choices and consequences will also be his. I decided that I would take care of myself, dedicate myself to work, start new courses, train more often at the gym, dedicate myself to another language. I will be understanding and companion in the relationship supporting him in a time limit that I have determined, so that he works this and we get results.

I decided that I don't want promises, I want actions and results. If we're as mates as ever and if he keeps himself clean from it all, the desire, attraction and real connection will come. If it doesn't, it's because he's cheating and not being honest with me in the process, so in that case I've made the decision that I won't be with him if that happens.

Finding serenity in the shift in focus is perhaps the most difficult. I hope to be strong enough to overcome this with him or, if necessary, to leave the relationship minimally healthy and with my conscience clear. I hope you find your limits and yourself in all of this. Write more, we will be here.
 

Sammyjo

Active Member
I understand that there are things that are in our control and things that are not. We must focus our efforts on what we can control (even with a lot of effort). I can't (and don't want to) have to control my partner, watch over him, whether or not he uses PMO, or MO. That's what he must do. I no longer want to be the person who listens behind the door and does degrading things to find out if he is cheating. This is a personal limit I set myself. Only he has control over it and his choices and consequences will also be his. I decided that I would take care of myself, dedicate myself to work, start new courses, train more often at the gym, dedicate myself to another language. I will be understanding and companion in the relationship supporting him in a time limit that I have determined, so that he works this and we get results.

I decided that I don't want promises, I want actions and results. If we're as mates as ever and if he keeps himself clean from it all, the desire, attraction and real connection will come. If it doesn't, it's because he's cheating and not being honest with me in the process, so in that case I've made the decision that I won't be with him if that happens.
AMEN! Thanks for this. I also am working at this, but it is a conscious effort each day.

Take Care!
 
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