Hello everyone
I may also apologies in advance, my English it is not my main language.
I'm writing this journal to hopefully being able to support others with my story of porn addiction and maybe get some feedback.
My story started just like a lot of other people, 13 years old with high testosterone levels and just wanted sex with a real woman. So when that wasn't possible I bursted out on the vast internet to jerk off to naked women.
I started to watch porn several times a week and it gradually rose to every day and usually several times per day.
My preferences of topic changed from soft porn to everything more disturbing and with time I developed an anal fetich which I thought wasn't disturbing, just that my preferences changed.
But I've got wiser... luckily.
I'm now 27 years old and have severe stress, anxiety and depression symptoms after 14 years of excessive porn use.
Not only have I've been addicted to porn but also coffee and nicotine in form of cigarettes and nicotine bags since the beginning of my 20's.
I drank so much coffee during the day because I wanted the dopamine kick.
All of my excessive use of porn, nicotine and coffee made me some kind of a zombie and I completely forgot how it was to have a normal functional body that wants normal healthy food, water, sleep and real sex. I was constantly striving for a dopamine kick. All of these addictions not only made me PA and PIED but also gave me massive social anxiety and stress. Even now on day 56 doing a PM I still have severe stress symptoms (I know that doing a PMO would maybe be more efficient, but I'm really happy that I have the opportunity to have real sex and rewire).
When my symptoms were highest I would have severe chest pains, chest tensions (where it feels like I can't breath), neck and head tensions, brain fog, trouble focusing, insomnia, panic/anxiety attacks, no virility, depression and a doubt about my sexuality (maybe HOCD).
I still have a lot of those symptoms, but the degree of them rise and fall during the weeks. I can feel that my virility is slowly rising, I'm starting to get morning boners, my brain fog is lifting slowly (it goes and comes back), I'm starting to get more interested in girls again, my self esteem is rising. There's finally a lot of positive things happening in me after 56 days without porn and masturbation. But it's a slow process and I can finally see the positive in not watching porn or do other forms of addictions. Fuck addictions really, it destroys so much in life.
When I look back I see that I already started to PIED back when I was 21, I could still get hard but I remember that being with a girl, didn't arouse me that much anymore and it would be more like a force to get hard and then have sex, even though it was with a beautiful girl. Since then I have had several girlfriends. I would leave due to my lost of interest and I would think "she's the wrong girl for me". But I've got wiser - porn has really killed my healthy view and emotions for real girls.
Today I'm currently dating a girl, but I must be honest - my emotions are like a rollercoaster, some days I feel in love, other days I feel like I need to be alone. I'm so confused about what I want and don't want. It's like no girl is not perfect enough or not good enough but I now that post porn addiction really fucks with the brain. So I'm currently waiting for what to come. Has anyone experienced the same?
It's like all this addictions has removed my willpower and self-esteem.
I'm fighting and moving forward, I hope someone will reply - I must be honest, it's hard being alone when fighting through addiction.
I may also apologies in advance, my English it is not my main language.
I'm writing this journal to hopefully being able to support others with my story of porn addiction and maybe get some feedback.
My story started just like a lot of other people, 13 years old with high testosterone levels and just wanted sex with a real woman. So when that wasn't possible I bursted out on the vast internet to jerk off to naked women.
I started to watch porn several times a week and it gradually rose to every day and usually several times per day.
My preferences of topic changed from soft porn to everything more disturbing and with time I developed an anal fetich which I thought wasn't disturbing, just that my preferences changed.
But I've got wiser... luckily.
I'm now 27 years old and have severe stress, anxiety and depression symptoms after 14 years of excessive porn use.
Not only have I've been addicted to porn but also coffee and nicotine in form of cigarettes and nicotine bags since the beginning of my 20's.
I drank so much coffee during the day because I wanted the dopamine kick.
All of my excessive use of porn, nicotine and coffee made me some kind of a zombie and I completely forgot how it was to have a normal functional body that wants normal healthy food, water, sleep and real sex. I was constantly striving for a dopamine kick. All of these addictions not only made me PA and PIED but also gave me massive social anxiety and stress. Even now on day 56 doing a PM I still have severe stress symptoms (I know that doing a PMO would maybe be more efficient, but I'm really happy that I have the opportunity to have real sex and rewire).
When my symptoms were highest I would have severe chest pains, chest tensions (where it feels like I can't breath), neck and head tensions, brain fog, trouble focusing, insomnia, panic/anxiety attacks, no virility, depression and a doubt about my sexuality (maybe HOCD).
I still have a lot of those symptoms, but the degree of them rise and fall during the weeks. I can feel that my virility is slowly rising, I'm starting to get morning boners, my brain fog is lifting slowly (it goes and comes back), I'm starting to get more interested in girls again, my self esteem is rising. There's finally a lot of positive things happening in me after 56 days without porn and masturbation. But it's a slow process and I can finally see the positive in not watching porn or do other forms of addictions. Fuck addictions really, it destroys so much in life.
When I look back I see that I already started to PIED back when I was 21, I could still get hard but I remember that being with a girl, didn't arouse me that much anymore and it would be more like a force to get hard and then have sex, even though it was with a beautiful girl. Since then I have had several girlfriends. I would leave due to my lost of interest and I would think "she's the wrong girl for me". But I've got wiser - porn has really killed my healthy view and emotions for real girls.
Today I'm currently dating a girl, but I must be honest - my emotions are like a rollercoaster, some days I feel in love, other days I feel like I need to be alone. I'm so confused about what I want and don't want. It's like no girl is not perfect enough or not good enough but I now that post porn addiction really fucks with the brain. So I'm currently waiting for what to come. Has anyone experienced the same?
It's like all this addictions has removed my willpower and self-esteem.
I'm fighting and moving forward, I hope someone will reply - I must be honest, it's hard being alone when fighting through addiction.