I will be better.

This is going to be a bit of a stream of consciousness kind of thing so bear with me if it gets confusing. I'm not a very skilled writer, never was probably never will be. Probably. Who knows, maybe this could be the start of a new career. Anyway, I'm 23, I've never had a relationship and I'm still a virgin. I realized a while ago how porn is destroying everything in my life. Every bad aspect of my miserable life is made worse if not caused by porn. From my abysmal interpersonal skills to my practically absent self-esteem. I've always had trouble speaking to girls, actually most people in general but girls above all others. I had a horrible experience with school and I basically dropped out of middle school. I finished middle school from home basically. Then I tried going to high school and dropped out of that too. Finished high school basically from home too. All that to say that I've been really isolated for most of my life. I don't have any real hobbies or interests. Well, I do play a lot of games and watch a lot of stuff but I don't consider consuming media to be a hobby. I don't even know why I'm saying all this here, this probably isn't the place for that. Getting back on track, I've been trying to quit for about a couple of months, if not more. I've had plenty of relapses though, I think my longest streak was like 3 weeks. I think my curiosity and boredom tends to get the better of me. Couple that with how lonely I feel most of the time and my resolve starts shaking. I know of all the horrible effects of porn and it makes me feel like a schizophrenic every time I start a session, knowing that I'm destroying myself and yet being unable to quit. Then I start thinking about some really bad stuff. Feeling like I'm not worth it and all that. I started using when I was really young, around 12 I think, if not earlier. I really hate the pornographers and enablers that made life hell for me and a lot of other people like me so I'm trying to quit to spite them too. I will be better and I will kick this addiction, starting today. Damn this is rambley as hell, I should really learn how to format. I don't know if it's ok to just write whatever comes to mind here but I hope it is.
 
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Day 3, kind of. Just trucking along, I do feel like an outcast amongst my peers though, everyone is just so fixated on sex.
Must be because of the times we're living in.
TV, movies, music and etcetera just bombard you with the message that sex is the most important thing in the universe. It's to be expected that a lot of people would fall for it. Not me though.

It's a lonely life, I don't know if I'll ever find what I'm looking for in people.

It feels like wanting to start a family is a rare goal these days, at least I still haven't met anyone else that shares my goal. The girls I've met have been vain, superficial and "sex positive"... I really don't want anything to do with people like that but being alone hurts, especially for as long as I've been. I'll just keep doing whatever it is that I'm doing, not really thrilled about it but whatever.

PMOing hasn't even crossed my mind these past few days, life's hard enough as is I don't need to poison myself and make it harder.
 
Day (?) 13
Is it day if it's like 3 am? Whatever, I'm just gonna ramble like usual. I can't sleep. Feeling stressed out.
I won't lie, the thought of pmoing has crossed my mind, I kick it out of my mind whenever I notice it creeping up on me though.
Honestly I just feel like throwing everything electronic in my house into a fire pit and then fleeing into the woods. Some days more than others but it's always there in the back of my mind. I've had enough of just about everything that the twisted, perverted and downright repugnant times we're living in have to offer. Up is down, left is right, wrong is right, evil is good and good is evil. Institutions say that you're crazy for not wanting to destroy yourself by jerking yourself into a delusional stupor. So does the media, so do the "doctors". Urologists and even psychologists. It honestly just feels like the whole world is against living a decent life. I'm just gonna go read the Bible again and pray for the best.
 
I relapsed.
I feel like shit, I'm honestly baffled at how stupid I am.
I got sick two days ago, feels like a light fever and a cold or something. I've been staying in the house a lot because of that and I think that's what caused it. I know I'm making excuses but I don't know.
I should've been better, I feel like I constantly fail and disappoint everyone, including myself. I'm starting to lose hope and I don't know how to get it back, all I know is that it has to come from myself.
I don't even know what to think anymore, I have so many contradicting thoughts. I want to be better and I was making really good progress but then I met an old friend and I got depressed and then I got sick and then I started to just lose hope thinking at the state my life is in and now it's just... fuck man.
I'm sorry, to myself most of all.
I'm not giving up but still... fuck my life.
I'm so angry at myself and this rotten world/society/time period/whatever the fuck you wanna call it. I honestly feel like screaming but between my sore throat and the fact that it's late into the night I'll just have to make due with writing my thoughts here.
I should just try to go to sleep now. Lord have mercy on me...
 

seano

Member
Hey man, sorry you're feeling so down. Relapse can be part of the healing process. What can you learn from this? Take a moment to give yourself credit for making it 2 weeks in which you built a lot of self control. It took years for us to get into this situation, it's not going to be easy to get out.
 
Hey man, sorry you're feeling so down. Relapse can be part of the healing process. What can you learn from this? Take a moment to give yourself credit for making it 2 weeks in which you built a lot of self control. It took years for us to get into this situation, it's not going to be easy to get out.
You're right and I know it, I just got to get it through my thick skull. I appreciate you taking the time to write this, thank you. I just gotta stick through it, think about the things I can learn from this mistake and stop catastrophizing at the first hiccup, This response feels kind of bipolar as I am writing it but my thoughts just race through my mind so quickly I shift from one line of thinking to another without even noticing sometimes. Anyway, thanks again, you guys on this forum are real good people.
 
Hey man, congrats on identifying the problem and acting on it! That alone you can be proud of. And yeah, trust the process; what could be helpful is trying to get out of your comfort-zone every day. Do sth that makes you uncomfortable or that scares you, even tiny things to get out of your head and feel alive - you can do it!
 
Progress is what matters most, not perfection, keep going my man, you got this.
I tend to strive for perfection too much and get stumped when I inevitably hit a snag, that's something that I learned from this mistake at least. I should recognize the progress that I made too, you're right. Thank you for the kind words.
 
Hey man, congrats on identifying the problem and acting on it! That alone you can be proud of. And yeah, trust the process; what could be helpful is trying to get out of your comfort-zone every day. Do sth that makes you uncomfortable or that scares you, even tiny things to get out of your head and feel alive - you can do it!
I've started teaching English to some acquaintances for some pocket change this week, although it's not my native tongue I think I know it pretty well. Well enough to teach at least and the demand where I live seems significant so it could be an opportunity but it's not like a full-time job or anything, yet. It's also not something that takes up my whole week though so I'll keep looking for more opportunities to get out of my comfort zone more, without getting burnt out obviously. Anyways, thank you for the encouragement.
 
My man,
sounds good! Keep up the good work man, staying busy can really facilitate abstaining from PMO. How are you doing right now, what happened the last days?
I'm still kind of under the weather but I've been trying to get out of the house regardless. Going out with some friends, attending a class, teaching English here and there; stuff like that. Still, sometimes I remember or I read some of the studies on how harmful PMOing is and I don't know, it just scares me and I wonder why am I even tempted to destroy myself like that. It feels so contradictory and hypocritical on my part.
I'm still making progress though, I've got to keep that in mind.
 
Day 8 I think.
Still sick for some reason, I have not gone to a doctor yet but I feel like he'd just tell me that it's a cold. Not much to say that I haven't already said here. I'm kinda bummed out and tired but whatever. It is what it is I guess.
 
Relapsed again yesterday.
I'm not even mad at myself at this point, just disappointed. Which sounds like a cliché but I don't know how else to describe my feelings at the moment. I don't know what to do to be honest. I've read the books, I tried to remind myself of the health risks, I deleted every social media I had... As ridiculous as it sounds quitting smoking was way easier for me for some reason. My brain chemistry must be all kinds of fucked up from the ten years of taking antidepressants. I'm stressed out all of the time, even after exercising really hard or when I'm supposed to be relaxing.

In any case, I'm sorry that I failed you guys and I'm sorry I failed myself most of all. I'll try and reread some books, maybe that'll help.
 
Well, I started rereading the easy peasy method and it made me feel like I'm a freak. Every time it mentions relationships I just feel like an absolute idiot. It reminded me that there's something wrong with me. I mean I'll be 24 in a month, there has to be something wrong with me. The first time I read it I kind of ignored the stuff about being in a relationship but I remember it still stung a little. Now it just made me feel horrible.

I don't know, I catch myself asking what's the point a lot more often these days. I know a lot of the stress I feel is because of this addiction but somehow knowing makes me feel worse.

Maybe I'm just part of a really small percentage of people that the writer didn't account for. Or maybe I'm overreacting, I don't know. I mean it's the best book on the subject and it's helped millions... I feel really lost, like I'm going crazy or something.
I'll keep rereading, it's not like I have anything better to do right now anyway.
 
You know what, rereading the book was absolutely the right call. I feel way better by sticking with it.
The only one that can keep me down is myself and I will never let that happen again. Just like the title of the thread, just like I already said, I will be better. The road may be rocky but as long as I'm alive I'll keep getting back up.
 
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