The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

harpoon

Respected Member
Thank you @TakeActionNow 👍

Today is just a bad day.

Yes I've come to the conclusion that quitting porn is just the beginning.

However I am willing to change & will fight until the end.
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Divorce is an ugly and long winded process. To be with someone as they go through divorce is quit stressful, especially as many times the divorcee and others will take alot of their stress, anger and blame out on the 3rd party, regardless if the marriage was doomed anyway.
And sometimes the 3rd party relationship doesn't survive the divorce process.

When even free people without contract or child find it hard to survive long term cohabitation, what says those already with contract and child?

I'm not saying no.
I'm just saying be prepared and enter with eyes wide open.
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
I'm sorry mate, didn't mean to lay it hard on you. I sincerely wish the best of you. Take care and rest today. Come back stronger tomorrow and ever after!
 

harpoon

Respected Member
Having been married and with child, I'd say love is often overrated.
It's mostly about duty and responsibility.

I hear you how wonderful it is to be with her. But unfortunately she is now with child and partner. To take on her is to take on the responsibility of her long term care. It means helping her with child care, her care and the assuming all the benefits of married life that she currently enjoys, including property and payment. This is a long term commitment you must assume.
This will certainly happen 2 years from today if you are still with her.

If it is short term for you, this relationship will be very bad for her, as she will be left with no partner and full responsibility of child.

Regardless how she feels about her current situation and her long term outlook, you must first commit your own long term outlook if you are to be with her.

If you are committed to all these responsibilities, then you must now start making plans and preparing long term stay with her and child.

And it is up to her if she is willing to move life ahead with you. Otherwise you are both daydreaming and wasting each other's precious time.
She did commit to these things, and I backed out as I wasn't expecting it, and I would never take this on. As bad as it sounds I was happy to mess about as long as we didn't get caught.

Fast forward to now, honestly I can see that she would again do this but I really just want someone to fill an empty space, to make me feel good and I tell her what I think she wants to hear just to keep her coming back.
 

harpoon

Respected Member
I'm sorry mate, didn't mean to lay it hard on you. I sincerely wish the best of you. Take care and rest today. Come back stronger tomorrow and ever after!
You're totally OK @TakeActionNow 👍 you talk complete sense and I do fully understand. I've watched my brother go thru divorce this year and yes the 3rd party on the exwifes side didn't last long.

Honestly I would have an affair to make myself feel good. I know I would also feel so bad. I know that sounds heartless and I guess it is.

When I asked her to go for a walk yesterday I was expecting the woman I talked to a month ago to show up (focused on family, new job, accepting that her husband needed her.) But she didn't. The woman I had an affair with was back. Something had changed.

As a porn addict, a sex addict or maybe even a love addict, I think if anyone you find attractive is interested in you like this it's very difficult to walk away.

I mean the scenarios that I watched in porn make it all so tempting. The husband is away come over and f^^k me. That to me is dynamite. Live out the fantasy in real life.

But I know i'm a porn junkie and that while I'm clean over two months, it's so tempting. I have a long way too go and I need to grow up and let her go.


I will try.
 
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TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Thank you for sharing.
I thought of a few things while going through this with you.

1. My son's love matters the most to me.

2. I get more joy completing my task , goals, meaning, purpose than attention by another.

3. Were we replacing our mother's love through another person or process? If so, then we've not yet mature and grown up and become fully independent and responsible for ourselves.

4. Porn creates scenarios not true in reality. Worse is when we believe and subscribe to them and think them truth.

5. Porn is a selfish self-centered person's habit. Reflect and think if we are helping or hurting ourselves and others through our actions.

6. Addiction blinds us. Abstinence helps uncover our eyes to see truth. Only truth matters. The false are immediately unattractive. When eyes opened, focus and do only truth and that which matters. This is clarity.

7. Kindness to others is kindness to self.

8. Ownership is overrated. Better to be grateful and happy on our deathbed.



Theses are my personal views.
Perhaps list and write down yours.
And then reflect if they are what you'd live by.
Hopefully that will give you some direction how to live happier.
 
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Jlied

Active Member
Thank you for sharing.
I thought of a few things while going through this with you.

1. My son's love matters the most to me.

2. I get more joy completing my task , goals, meaning, purpose than attention by another.

3. Were we replacing our mother's love through another person or process? If so, then we've not yet mature and grown up and become fully independent and reasonable for ourselves.

4. Porn creates scenarios not true in reality. Worse is when we believe and subscribe to them and think them truth.

5. Porn is a selfish self-centered person's habit. Reflect and think if we are helping or hurting ourselves and others through our actions.

6. Addiction blinds us. Abstinence helps uncover our eyes to see truth. Only truth matters. The false are immediately unattractive. When eyes opened, focus and do only truth and that which matters. This is clarity.

7. Kindness to others is kindness to self.

8. Ownership is overrated. Better to be grateful and happy on our deathbed.



Theses are my personal views.
Perhaps list and write down yours.
And then reflect if they are what you'd live by.
Hopefully that will give you some direction how to live happier.
I love this. Thanks for sharing.
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
As a porn addict, a sex addict or maybe even a love addict
I recently discovered the term "intimacy disorder" relating to our addiction, and I find it rings true for me. I have trust and relationship issues that eventually lead me down this painful path.

The problem with porn is it objectifies people extensively. So much so that I had a really hard time thinking am I in love or am I just a tool of the monster inside of me.

There was once a girl I almost ended my life for. Till now I have no idea was I in love with her or just wanted to fuck her all day long for my own satisfaction. Thats really a lame excuse to die over.

My son is my first real lesson with love.
Of course there is nothing relating to sex here.

But learned objectification meant I still saw him as I wanted to see and wanted him to behave as I see fit, and not accept and recieve him as he is... His own true self.

This was a difficult lesson to learn especially after decades of objectification even of my real partners. It was his unhappiness with me that made me reflect and change.

Real love is not about what I want for me. Real love is about what I want for the other person.
With my son it involves watching him and accepting him as he is, and letting him explore his day unhindered by my opinions. I am here to help and support, not direct and instruct.
That took a while to change, but he accepts me more and I am happier today.

And once the unobjectification process has began, I can now transfer that behavior towards others.

PMO promotes objectification, and prevents real love because it is all about self gratification. We have little patience because it's about asap satisfaction.

We can never truly love another as long as we hold self serving beliefs. And when we do not love others, we deny love to ourselves because their love cannot be reciprocated or recieved.
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
I recently discovered the term "intimacy disorder" relating to our addiction, and I find it rings true for me. I have trust and relationship issues that eventually lead me down this painful path.

The problem with porn is it objectifies people extensively. So much so that I had a really hard time thinking am I in love or am I just a tool of the monster inside of me.

There was once a girl I almost ended my life for. Till now I have no idea was I in love with her or just wanted to fuck her all day long for my own satisfaction. Thats really a lame excuse to die over.

My son is my first real lesson with love.
Of course there is nothing relating to sex here.

But learned objectification meant I still saw him as I wanted to see and wanted him to behave as I see fit, and not accept and recieve him as he is... His own true self.

This was a difficult lesson to learn especially after decades of objectification even of my real partners. It was his unhappiness with me that made me reflect and change.

Real love is not about what I want for me. Real love is about what I want for the other person.
With my son it involves watching him and accepting him as he is, and letting him explore his day unhindered by my opinions. I am here to help and support, not direct and instruct.
That took a while to change, but he accepts me more and I am happier today.

And once the unobjectification process has began, I can now transfer that behavior towards others.

PMO promotes objectification, and prevents real love because it is all about self gratification. We have little patience because it's about asap satisfaction.

We can never truly love another as long as we hold self serving beliefs. And when we do not love others, we deny love to ourselves because their love cannot be reciprocated or recieved.

I recognise so much of this but I could never put it in words as you have.

"... am I in love or am I just a tool of the monster inside of me." Yes. 😔

"...Real love is not about what I want for me. Real love is about what I want for the other person." I have never felt that way 😔

"...We can never truly love another as long as we hold self serving beliefs. And when we do not love others, we deny love to ourselves because their love cannot be reciprocated or recieved." 😔

Thank you for you thoughts @TakeActionNow

"Its time to leave the casino." Dr. Trush Leigh (2022)
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Don't be too hard on yourself.
What you recognized is true for all addicts.
No cigarette, alcohol, drug or gambling addicts love anyone but themselves and their substance.
Think of all the families that suffered second hand smoke, arguments, violence, financial ruin or theft because someone in the family is addicted and self centered.

Your past is not important.
Only going forward is.

Sincerely, unself-centeredness does open the heart and mind into seeing things invisible in the past.
But it requires true self love to initiate the process.

Go and love yourself like parent loves a child and you'll feel happiness very soon.
 

Jlied

Active Member
Go and love yourself like parent loves a child and you'll feel happiness very soon.
I know this is the goal we should all shoot for, but this to me is harder than not watching porn. I find every flaw in myself and focus on it to the point of disgust. Seems it should get easier with age to let go of the opinions of others and just be myself but it’s just as hard for me today as it was 20 years ago in high school.

thank you for your words in this thread, they are very much something I needed to read and shoot for.
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
@Jlied , go easy with yourself too.
Self love is like healthy food.
But addiction is like sucking air when we should be eating wholesome food and drinking clean water. Air cannot feed. Soon we will be severely malnourished.
The emptiness and negativity is from running dry and empty for too many years. No starving folk can remain happy or optimistic for long.
Young addicts just fear brain fog and a dead dick.
They don't know the joys of long term depression like us old birds.

but never fear, there is a path out.
it is not easy, but life was never about easy.
it's exactly because porn was too easy, that's why we're in such bad shape today.

1. Abstinence
2. Schedule, plan and prepare positive things (breaks, social, hobbies, events)
3. Remember, reflect and recognize good and happy moments
4. Focus. Don't let mind wonder or be distracted
5. Have a pet you can touch and interact with.
6. Study study study
7. Help others alot alot alot
8. Keep life simple
9. Be kind to yourself
10. Be patient. Do not rush. Let events unfold gently.

Christmas and new year is coming.
Excellent time for some charity work, help and communion.

Tomorrow and thereafter will be better for you.
 

harpoon

Respected Member
"There's never an easy time to make a hard decision. Never. But what you have to be able to do is pull the trigger." - Dan Pena

I like this 🙂
 

Jlied

Active Member
"There's never an easy time to make a hard decision. Never. But what you have to be able to do is pull the trigger." - Dan Pena

I like this 🙂
Very true, for a long time I kept negotiating with myself about quitting porn…..but at the end of the day I was never able do it until the day my wife found out, then I had to do it. I wish I had been able to just pull the trigger years ago.
 

harpoon

Respected Member
So I have the house to myself for the last six hours I'd say. I haven't watched porn, and that is something. 69 days in here. Never crossed my mind to watch porn.

There is no point thinking about the past really...its gone, but i do remember being very compulsive. Now I can stand on my is two feet and say NO, and that is a major change.

I don't want to get carried away but i'm getting more and more comfortable with this.

I did meet my friend today and we went for a quick walk. It was just nice to chat with someone tbh I never mentioned porn until 5mins before she had to go and she said "that's the longest you've gonecwiyhoutvtslking about porn."

Tbh I'm sick of talking about porn. That's why I wouldn't do the meetings. I want to replace that bad habit with good habits and forget. Apparently its called toplining .

I'm starting to feel proud of myself, I felt that today. I thought I'm doing well here and it's what i want so keep going.

One day at a time.
 

harpoon

Respected Member
Very true, for a long time I kept negotiating with myself about quitting porn…..but at the end of the day I was never able do it until the day my wife found out, then I had to do it. I wish I had been able to just pull the trigger years ago.

It's s pity we need rock bottom to get up. The moment my Dad passed away something changed in me and it took 4months of porn binges before I said goodbye to porn.
 

Jlied

Active Member
So I have the house to myself for the last six hours I'd say. I haven't watched porn, and that is something. 69 days in here. Never crossed my mind to watch porn.

There is no point thinking about the past really...its gone, but i do remember being very compulsive. Now I can stand on my is two feet and say NO, and that is a major change.

I don't want to get carried away but i'm getting more and more comfortable with this.

I did meet my friend today and we went for a quick walk. It was just nice to chat with someone tbh I never mentioned porn until 5mins before she had to go and she said "that's the longest you've gonecwiyhoutvtslking about porn."

Tbh I'm sick of talking about porn. That's why I wouldn't do the meetings. I want to replace that bad habit with good habits and forget. Apparently its called toplining .

I'm starting to feel proud of myself, I felt that today. I thought I'm doing well here and it's what i want so keep going.

One day at a time.
Dude that’s a great realization you had today. Like you I get sick of talking about porn or recovery at times. I don’t think I’m addicted to it anymore, it would be a conscious choice that I know is wrong for me to look at it. It gets exhausting at times constantly worrying about it. But from my experience when I think I have it kicked I fall into complacency and stop staying aware of it and slowly bad habits sneak back in. I start edging, I start staring at women more, thoughts pop into my head and I have an urge to google it. I like you very much want to get away from the label of a porn addict and just move forward with my life leaving that chapter behind. What I like about this site is I can have conversations about recovery and not about porn itself. I find by staying active here my urges are at bay and I feel more confident about myself and my future.

I’m sure it was humbling for her to say that was the longest you went without mentioning porn, no one wants to be known as the porn person, imagine how good it will feel when you no longer have to deal with porn at the forefront of your brain and you can make connections with people and the subject never comes up. It’s a darn good feeling. Keep up the hard work buddy, you can already see it paying off!
 

harpoon

Respected Member
Dude that’s a great realization you had today. Like you I get sick of talking about porn or recovery at times. I don’t think I’m addicted to it anymore, it would be a conscious choice that I know is wrong for me to look at it. It gets exhausting at times constantly worrying about it. But from my experience when I think I have it kicked I fall into complacency and stop staying aware of it and slowly bad habits sneak back in. I start edging, I start staring at women more, thoughts pop into my head and I have an urge to google it. I like you very much want to get away from the label of a porn addict and just move forward with my life leaving that chapter behind. What I like about this site is I can have conversations about recovery and not about porn itself. I find by staying active here my urges are at bay and I feel more confident about myself and my future.

I’m sure it was humbling for her to say that was the longest you went without mentioning porn, no one wants to be known as the porn person, imagine how good it will feel when you no longer have to deal with porn at the forefront of your brain and you can make connections with people and the subject never comes up. It’s a darn good feeling. Keep up the hard work buddy, you can already see it paying off!
Thank you Jlied 👍 100% i'm trying to move away from the label I've given myself and all the talking but I will tell you, when i mentioned porn to her, I said that I have to talk about it because I can't become complacent about it and talking about it keeps me strong.

I
 

harpoon

Respected Member
Let me tell you about me. When I train I feel unstoppable. I can kick some ass. I believe, I always believe. I never doubt myself and I always look for the higher hill, the longer swim and the tougher challenges.

The difference between the guy rebooting from porn and the guy training is huge. I don't get this guy. He's vulnerable. He's anxious.

But something is changing and i can feel it. The shackles have loosened just enough so I can breathe a little easier.

I have thrown everything at this and for that I am proud of myself. I've got things wrong along the way but I have learned and kept moving forward. One of the most important lessons that I have learned is that even in the darkest moments moving forward is possible. Those moments pass. You keep going.

Like I said before, at day one I was on my knees crying to a stranger on the phone, I am not the same now.

I do take it one day at a time with this, however I would love more than anything to be 90 days clean.
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
I dropped a book yo my exs house today, I knrw she wasn't there I saw her in her van heading down the road.

She text me and said thanks for giving the book back. We exchanged a few texts. Now further into my reboot with a clearer mind I can see that I didn't get her personalty or humor. She is always right, prodding for info and her humor is belittling and sarcastic, and she thinks shes funny.

I told her I was doing an Ironman and eventually she said - good on ya. I left it there, (not replying), on a somewhat good note b4 she ruined that with another sarcastic comment.

I wont lie it hurt when that relationship ended, I was in bad shape and tbh I can remember very little of those three months. My Dad had passed, I went full porn addict and had her running me down for sport.

I have no desire to remain friends with her, or pretend we are, we're not.

My secret friend on the other hand is a great listener, supportive and helpful, and those are the qualities I obviously like. We laugh and joke and things are easy.

There is some weird energy between us. Unfortunately she is married so i may just find someone like her.
 
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