Dealing with Shame, PIED and Addiction!

Nico

Active Member
27. Not going to lie, I am going through a big temptation zone. It's the usual crap - exhaustion, and a slight headache. Was up late again last night. Dance was tough last night, my calf is still sore and my fitness seems to have dropped over the last month or so, probably because I was sick a lot in December. I am still down 3.5-4 stone, which is about 50+ pounds, which is a relief as my discipline has been faltering a bit and have had temptations to act out with food. I thought I might have gained actually but am still on track.

It's all good - just writing this is enough to activate the resolve to keep going, pushing through porn and food/acting out cravings. It helps me get in touch with the part of myself that wants to be better, that wants health, love, and a little more of my vision of what success is. I may journal more later as I have an empty day till this evening. If I was normal, I would probably be going out and doing things, but I don't feel like it - I am knackered and not normal lol. Today I am going to try to do one thing, one step to grow my business - people have been asking me for sessions which is a good sign. And one thing for wellbeing - a meditation session and a dance later.

I have to get through to 28. Having to reset my counter yet again could easily make me feel like giving up trying to give up, as it did for a while before this effort. I am so sick and tired of the cycle of fight and fail, but can feel the weakness in me - hopefully its just being tired though so just need to rest and look after myself, distract however I have to, and get out and dance again tonight.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
You're doing well @Nico.

Don't be too hard on yourself. Yes, on one hand, you don't want to look at porn before day 28, but yet on the other, you don't want set yourself up for failure. I know it's easy to get stuck in a cycle of counting "days" and if you don't get to some defined day "out there" than it's easy to give up and put your hands up in the air.

Quitting porn isn't about the "days" it's about "every day". Live one day at a time and make every day important and sacred for yourself. Happiness won't be found at 90 days porn-free, nor either at 500 days, it will be found today, one day at a time. If you got through the last 27 days porn free, then that tells you getting though day 28 should be almost automatic.

You got this!
 

Nico

Active Member
Thanks Blondie, appreciate the support and you’re absolutely right. I realise I am very focused on the count.

For some reason this streak I’m finding that if I set my sights and focus on getting to the next number it’s giving me a way to try to keep it in the day at the same time. You’re one of my chief inspirations on here 🙏😊
 

Nico

Active Member
The feeling is mutual GBS thank you.

Four weeks today, and although there were temptations yesterday I feel good about things. Last night after dance I texted the woman I saw last weekend and she's coming over today, although this morning I feel less like its a good idea for some reason. I worry a bit about this FWB thing, I can't help feeling like I am using her. Its all been talked about though and is a consensual situation so perhaps my conscience is in overdrive or maybe I'm not suited to it I don't know.

Interestingly the little bit of promotion I did yesterday is getting quite a lot of interest, and now I have to work out how the hell to fit sessions in around work. I wanted this, and hopefully if it does take off I can go part time, but in the meantime i will have to go into overdrive and it's going to be taxing as I already work 60 hours or more if overtime. Perhaps I could book some leave for this. Anyway its a positive thing, so I have to try not to turn it into stress - it kind of shows me its the right path and I am ready - people I have done practice sessions with are sharing and recommending, so its real, it has its own energy, and feels guided by higher power.

So anyway, today there shouldn't me much temptation and I am going to try and relax and enjoy it :)
 

Blondie

Respected Member
. I worry a bit about this FWB thing, I can't help feeling like I am using her. Its all been talked about though and is a consensual situation so perhaps my conscience is in overdrive or maybe I'm not suited to it I don't know.
I get this.

I remember the first time I did something like that (Not sure if this is your first) I remember feeling "Is this really okay?" However, I came from a very religious background though, so that was my hang up with it. But as you mention, as long as it's consensual and you're not misrepresenting a lady, I see no problem with it. I have know some guys though, who as you say, were just not "suited" for it, which is totally okay and is something probably good to know for future reference. To each their own.

I say, have fun and enjoy all the delights of a real beautiful woman: talking, flirting, conversation, and yes, a real body. Porn don't have shit on the real thing.

Best to you.
 
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Nico

Active Member
Thanks - yes I think it is the first time actually and time will tell if it's something we can do I guess! It was an interesting day, she seems really into helping me get my confidence back, relax and get over the PIED. I am learning to receive pleasure, which is something I have struggled with as well. Possible trigger - I do love sex and being with a woman, but actually miss being able to control the pleasure, edge, and circulate energy. I got good at doing that alone, but with a partner I haven't yet managed it. As it turns out, she is going through some things I can help her with, so we spent some time chilling, some time being sexual, and then some time holding space for her.

I still have doubts, especially knowing that actually she may be more vulnerable than I thought, so I will keep talking about it with her and really don't want to cause her suffering. I came away feeling good that I was able to give back though, and we both agreed that we are helping each other. It's just weird getting intimate knowing I don't have feelings, I mean I am fond of her and care, but don't see anything happening beyond that. I wont see her for a few weeks now, so have time to think and talk it through with her.

29 days. Obviously yesterday there were no temptations, and today I feel ok, just digesting what's happening and reflecting on it. I have nice spacious mornings twice a week where I start at 2pm and work till 4pm the next day, so I just have to hold it down at work tonight. I used to often PMO in these times, but now I am getting on here and reading and sharing, which helps me get my priorities straight. Just for today, I will not open any browsers I shouldn't, I will do some good work with clients, and I will do some meditation..KISS (Keep it simple stupid!)
 

Daybyday1988

Active Member
but this addiction to porn is more insidious

i think the worst thing about this addiction, and what makes it worse than nearly all of them in my opinion, is that you have to learn how to actually be sexual again. you have to find a way to be normal in this area of life in order to have a meaningful relationship. This is contrasted with other addictions where the solution is only abstinence from the drug, and not ever how to be able to ever use it again responsibly.
 

Nico

Active Member
Too right. For me once I have the abstinence in hand instead of the other thing, I have high hopes for tantra or karezza. When I explore that I find it's essentially mindfulness, really diving into and exploring sensation and pleasure, and I actually really love it. Its far more enoyable than porn because I am super present to the pleasure. Circulating energy is amazing as well. There are carrots to this struggle as well as sticks.

30 days. Feel solid right now.

Equanimity is on my mind today, really feeling it as a way to negotiate these ups and downs. I keep saying the bad times are just weather, but its all like weather. I love sunny days, but if every day was sunny would I still appreciate them so much? Rain and storms don't seem as pleasant, and yet there are always things to appreciate. I used to get SAD, as a kid I often went down under for xmas, and when I stopped I found winter long and hard, and got down in the autumn. I grew to enjoy winter, as a time to go indoors and inwards, get cosy, read, be a bit lazier. Spring is my favourite though, full of promise and new life, with all the summer coming up.

Sorry I am rambling, it just occurs to me that the hard days are not 'bad' as such, they are opportunities to train with feelings, cravings, and try out different things. I usually find that it's my thinking that is creating the bad days, just like it was my thinking about winter that made me find it difficult. There was never anything intrinsically wrong with winter, and even if it feels like life is going very wrong - is it really? Or is it my thinking about it? Shit happens in life, rain falls, all things arise and pass whether we want them to or not, but it is the thinking that adds that extra layer of suffering. This is why buddhists meditate on impermanence, as it is the nature of things, and really getting that leads to a little more equanimity in the face of change or loss. And if I do feel sad or angry, thats ok, tears are healing rain and I kind of appreciate a good cry when it comes, or a bit of a pillow bash and a yell!

So yes, a lot of my feelings are created by thinking, but once they are there I can release them and they pass. There is no feeling so bad I have to escape it through porn or alcohol, even bereavement. When the hard moments arise, or hours, or days, and they will, I have to remember they too shall pass. I have to see them as opportunities to build my recovery muscles, try new things or what I know works to come out of a craving cycle. After all, craving is thinking too. I know there are blue balls and sensations that make us think we need release, but its a thought that links that to porn. I suppose I am always a thought away from relapse, but also a thought away from peace. When the thinking gets too intense, thats when I have to practice - get in the senses, get in the body, expand consciousness, get in flow, anything to direct focus from thinking to awareness. In pure awareness there are no problems, they are pretty much always mind made.

Just for today I will practise opening beyond thinking. I will do some meditation. I was woken up at 3am, so I will be tired tonight - but today I will navigate that and not let it weaken my resolve.

One day, I hope to really get that there is nothing in porn I want. When a thought or impulse to look arises, I need there to be that knowing that I just don't. Like with alcohol, once I had absolutely zero control over it, couldn't hope to resist it and had to pacify the withdrawals, and never thought I had a chance of stopping, but now I very rarely even think about it. Porn will become like that in time, its just time and effort. The sense I get sometimes that its impossible, or overwhelming, is just thinking, its just the addict in me subconsciously trying to take me down and destroy me. So the difference between reality and my thinking about it is crucial, and the difference between thinking and awareness may just be the secret key to open out beyond thinking and craving.
 

Nico

Active Member
Ok sorry I am kind of on one, and want to keep writing - mainly because its a way of giving myself a talking to! Ive just been outside and chatted to a client who's just decided last week to stop using crack, and it makes me so happy. If he can do that we can do this. Just a few weeks ago he was thinking it was impossible, and now he's saying it wasn't as bad as he thought!! He started getting paranoid thoughts last week, so started associating pain with crack rather than pleasure. Makes me think about what I associate with porn and how to rewire that.

Thinking though. If a lot of my craving/suffering comes from thought its worth really exploring it. I know from meditation that thoughts flash by. I can't find where they come from or go to. I can't hold on to a thought, or make it last. I can't find a thinker of the thoughts. What happens though, is without being present, a thought leads to another about the same thing, and they proliferate, and before I know it they can take me into a world of pain. In that way, a sound or a memory can take me into anger or pain, and so thought leads me to a state I feel I need to change or soothe. Or, I can let the thought arise and pass. Let the gap between them grow, enjoy the spaciousness around and between thoughts. That spaciousness is beautiful.

Yes meditation helps but its something I can practice in life too. Driving, or whenever but especially when I am home alone and feeling temptations. Noticing when thought is bringing me down, or making me want porn, and opening into soma and then out into awareness. Turning the cloud into the sky.
 

Nico

Active Member
31. Challenging evening last night, I did some meditation which was good, but was really tired and kept drifting off. Half a tooth fell out, and had bad brain fog, which has made it really hard to fight the urges in the past as if robbing me of my armour and resolve. Until I manage to change this work situation I am going to have to start wearing earplugs when I sleep, as I can't deal with 26 hour shifts with only 3 hours sleep, it makes recovery harder, and life harder. It makes it hard to schedule seeing private clients as I never know what state I will be in. I did not look at porn, but was not feeling good or well and just had a takeaway and watched tv. Even though I got around 7 hours last night I feel out of it this morning too. I think I will celebrate getting through a brain fog evening porn free.

Anyway, have to get ready. Let's do another day..
 

Nico

Active Member
It is, tiredness is my number one danger zone. I was tired again last night, but no temptations at all which was odd. I am pushing it in some ways trying to start a business and work long hours. I remember a poem on the wall in rehab in 2001, which was all about the addict in us as a kind of demon finding ways to tempt us back and destroy us..wish I could remember it. Its worth questioning how it subconsciously may be setting up conditions for us to fail though. In this case - I am going to tire you out so you can't fight me! Not only have I booked some overtime (so i am working about 160 hours in two weeks including sleepins) but am seeing some clients, have some dates and social things, and a weekend in London at the end of it for a family birthday.
Do I believe this is the addict in me? It may be, but also its just me doing the best I can, and getting busy could be helpful for change. Next time I do some marketing it would be good to book a few days off to see people in rather than trying to fit people into a full week. I got stressed about how to manage this and paused my advertising. It's like I am coaching myself at the moment, with this addiction, with creating change and starting a business. Day by day, step by step, change is happening.

What I did manage to do was get to sleep at a reasonable time last night which is often challenging when I have a 2pm start or at weekends, but am seeing a client before work so that helped. Regular sleep patterns would be fantastic, but I find it so hard to do, and really need to build discipline in that. This is definitely the addict in me! I get so into a tv series, or learning about psychology or crypto, or a novel, and so I have to do different things late evening. After dance my energy is high, but I could channel that into being present in the body, meditating, and putting on a sleep hypnosis instead of turning on the tv or youtube or whatever. I will give that a go on Friday.

Gratitude right now - This forum and its amazing inhabitants, just over a month clean, endless resources and books to help me grow and imrpove, the chance to go practise breathwork and energy work with an attractive woman, the skills and qualities that make me good at that, a car to take me to a job, a job where I might make a difference and will also have some space this evening to meditate and read, a date (I think!?) and a dance tomorrow after work..life is a okay!

Anyway I am blathering and realise my posts are long..I am so used to trying to sort my head out through journalling. I started The Artists Way many years ago to help me with music production and creativity, and the first exercise is called morning pages - you literally just make yourself write about whatever every morning, and it ended up turning me into a bit of a writer. I used to have a blog, and drafted a spiritual novel, and one day I want to finish that.

Today is going to be a porn free day, and I can say that and feel it is true - which is a miracle and something to be very very grateful for.
 

Nico

Active Member
33 and going steady. I should be too busy today to think about PMO, except perhaps when I get home around 11pm full of energy. Tonight I will try to just settle down and sleep, and change my patterns. Sometimes it feels like I have zero self discipline, especially late at night. So if thats the danger zone obviously I ought to just get to bed earlier, but I have had this intention for months and not quite managed it. I suppose because it is finally me time.
I am meeting a lovely lady finally before dance, and I am not sure of her intentions, or my feelings actually, but I am ok with that. I just want to enjoy the chat and be easy with however it turns out.
 

Daybyday1988

Active Member
Late at night alone for me was definitely a weak time. Get the phone amd internet as far as you can from you at that time. Keep the dang thing in your car if you have to. Go to a thrift store and buy an alarm clock for $5 if you need to, instead of having go have your phone next to you all the time. That way you aren't as tempted. Also, reading something always put me to bed faster!
 

Nico

Active Member
Had a good day yesterday, but still didn't manage to get to sleep early. Oh well, doing overtime tonight, and looking forward to a chilled day tomorrow. 'Date' went really well, a very nice connection, still have no idea about her intentions except she wants to do it again. Actually I am not 100% sure what I feel, but we get on very well and have a lot in common, so I am happy to take it easy and see what happens.
I am tempted by the grey areas at the moment, reading sexy stories, which is just stupid. It isn't porn but fires all the wrong cylinders. I need to get into some good novels and find a spiritual book that really grabs me instead..obviously. I feel like I am getting into temptations this weekend, so I have to do whatever it takes just to distract myself - I am tired, nothing particular going on, just am wanting the dopamine or the pleasure or something. I am going to try to arrange something for tomorrow so I am not in all day, or get out and exercise
 

GBS

Respected Member
I don’t want to sound like a school master @Nico but every temptation you succumb to and the consequent dopamine hit just increases the frequency of those temptations coming back. You’re letting your brain win. If you relapse it will almost certainly be as a direct result of having kept these neural pathways in place. Sorry, but I am a firm believer that we all know what’s ok and what isn’t- so we self regulate. It’s a fight between you and your brain. It’s fucking difficult, but we can’t blame anyone else….we just have to avoid all those temptations.

Keep going. Love your honesty. You inspire.
 
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