Porn is not an option

Ezel

Respected Member
Thanks brothers, @Hunter_ , @SmokenMirrors and @swimmer97 and @First_step_thousand_miles. You guys are the best.


Things have definitely gone to a whole new level recently in my recovery, just in a general sense. I must sound like a broken record in regards to my sex life, but it really is insane these days, and it's all because of staying away from porn, it's as simple as that. Funny enough, I always thought our sex life was pretty good compared to others I know in my life (our friends etc.), especially for my age, so for it be and feel even better now (much better) is a complete mind blow to me.

Improvements in my dick/sex life

- Over the last month, I've had a very large increase of phallic sensations during sex that was nowhere to be found even a few months ago. Sometimes I've had a hard time believing this stuff (I'm the ultimate doubter in life, maybe my avatar should be Thomas?), but here I am saying it's a hundred percent true. For whatever reasons, porn and heavy masturbation really does fuck this shit up to no end, and refraining from it, even well past a year, will do wonders for you. What's more, the crazy thing about my case is that I haven't really been looking at porn now for almost five years, with only 20 to 30 relapses spread out here and there. However, these 'small' relapses were obviously screwing me in ways I had no idea of, because I was still too far in the darkness to know any better. Now that I've gotten far enough away, I can see the truth of the matter more clearly. At that time, I was lying to myself and saying porn every 90 or so days wasn't really "that big of a deal", when obviously the healing that has taken place over the last 500 days would say otherwise.
- I sometimes walk around with 1/4 boners in my pants like when I was in high school. Obviously not all the time, and this has only really started the last couple of weeks since not having any orgasms during sex, but still that's pretty crazy for a forty year old man. And don't get me wrong, I'm not walking about lusting at everything that moves, I just feel very... turned on by life? lol who knows! This is just another aspect of thinking you know what is 'normal' for you, and then realizing that what you thought was normal was nothing of the sort. Yesterday also, I was sitting at the computer, and just the sensation of my sweats rubbing on my crouch gave me a slight hard on as well. Just another thing I thought I had gotten "Too old for". :)
- I haven't had a shriveled up dick now for probably two months or more. I was still getting those here and there not too long ago, and who knows, it might happen again, but I can rest assured that it won't last very long if it does.

Thoughts

- My sexualized world has dramatically been reduced since quitting porn 500 days ago. I can now talk to the opposite sex without being bombarded by sexualized thoughts. Yes, I still have them, but it's considerably less and more appropriate for the moment, and just feels more natural and manlike and not pornlike. There's a part of me that thinks I still have a ways to go in my recovery when it comes to this factor. Once in a while, I still feel my brain is changing up there and it's hard to explain but I think it's true, like I almost can "feel" it changing. I think this might be one of the slower parts of my recovery and I'm looking forward to seeing where it takes me. Also, I'm still getting used to learning about my new less sexualized self. It's funny, because in some ways I feel more sexual than ever before, however, it's NOT sexualized, if that makes sense?
- Following that thought, I've read in many accounts where people describe one day just waking up and something just clicked inside and everything was totally different mentally for them: depression, social anxiety, mental fog etc. I don't know if this will happen for me, but there is a part of me that feels I am still living in a semi-fog/dream like state sometimes. Obviously this is really hard to explain, but it is how I feel at moments during the week. However, if this is the extant of my recovery mentally, please know that it's still many times better than when looking at porn in the old days. There is simply no reason to go back.
- Social anxiety, while never being terrible like some have mentioned here, it has definitely improved, especially when talking to the opposite sex. There's just a natural chemistry that happens when one hasn't been looking and wanking to porn (and I don't mean attraction necessarily) that most women seem to pick up on in a subconscious way. It's like their brain tells them subconsciously, this fella is not a wanker, it's okay to chill and talk with him. Also, I do find myself talking to people in general more now than before.


Well I hope that helps someone out there!

Love you guys and thanks for all your encouragement over the last year. You have no idea how much it helps me.

Now on to day 517, a truly momentous day for me.
Thank you Blondie man for just being you and for inspiring 🤠, your journey is astonishing it should definitely go in a book of porn recovery stories, just for history to make notice of this battle we are all fighting.
Keep those boats burning captain, the sea is behind us and the enemy is in front of us. There's no retreat either we fight and win or we die fighting.
Protect this man at all costs, bless you partner.
 
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Blondie

Respected Member
Day 501

Day 19 of no O


Thanks @swimmer97. Trust me, if I can do it, you can too. I'm just a hick from the sticks, nothing special about me. 🤠
The sucess is not over, there is way more sucess on the road as you just described.
That's what's so great about all of this, there's more to come.
It made me wake up easier this morning.
Glad I could help in anyway.

Best brother.

Thanks @Ezel!
Thank you Blondie man for just being you and for inspiring 🤠
I'm just a cowboy who writes shity poetry, but I do what I can do. ;)
Keep those boats burning captain, the sea is behind us and the enemy is in front of us.
Indeed I shall. I was thinking about this yesterday. This is a war, and I have to be utterly engaged in it so as to keep my ground daily. Burn it all down.
There's no retreat either we fight and win or we die fighting.
Yes, let us die giving it our best than waste away with a "long" and "peaceful" life. I like that philosophy brother!

Keep inspiring Ezel. You have no idea how much you've helped me over this last year.

God bless and keep looking up to the sky.
 

GBS

Respected Member
I missed your 500. Soz. You know what I think of you. Some of us, maybe many, wouldn’t be on the road to recovery without your help. Basking in that glory is not something that I think you will do, because you’re way too humble, but just know we are in your debt.

You’re going way past 517. Way past. Literally thousands.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 502

Day 20 of no O


Well I drank a little too much last night and woke up with quite the hangover this morning. I told you all I wasn't going to drink till I got past day 517, but, I had made a mental note to myself that I could drink only for our Valentine's date which was last night, so I don't feel bad about that. However, I drank way more than I was planning on and snacked a good bit as well, which was definitely not part of my Monk Mode plan. Thus, I will get my ass back into gear for the next two weeks. Funny how one bad habit, drinking too much, leads to another, eating food so as not to feel bad lol.

Live and learn, or in my case, relearn :)

You all have a great porn-free weekend.
 

SmokenMirrors

Well-Known Member
Thanks brothers, @Hunter_ , @SmokenMirrors and @swimmer97 and @First_step_thousand_miles. You guys are the best.


Things have definitely gone to a whole new level recently in my recovery, just in a general sense. I must sound like a broken record in regards to my sex life, but it really is insane these days, and it's all because of staying away from porn, it's as simple as that. Funny enough, I always thought our sex life was pretty good compared to others I know in my life (our friends etc.), especially for my age, so for it be and feel even better now (much better) is a complete mind blow to me.

Improvements in my dick/sex life

- Over the last month, I've had a very large increase of phallic sensations during sex that was nowhere to be found even a few months ago. Sometimes I've had a hard time believing this stuff (I'm the ultimate doubter in life, maybe my avatar should be Thomas?), but here I am saying it's a hundred percent true. For whatever reasons, porn and heavy masturbation really does fuck this shit up to no end, and refraining from it, even well past a year, will do wonders for you. What's more, the crazy thing about my case is that I haven't really been looking at porn now for almost five years, with only 20 to 30 relapses spread out here and there. However, these 'small' relapses were obviously screwing me in ways I had no idea of, because I was still too far in the darkness to know any better. Now that I've gotten far enough away, I can see the truth of the matter more clearly. At that time, I was lying to myself and saying porn every 90 or so days wasn't really "that big of a deal", when obviously the healing that has taken place over the last 500 days would say otherwise.
- I sometimes walk around with 1/4 boners in my pants like when I was in high school. Obviously not all the time, and this has only really started the last couple of weeks since not having any orgasms during sex, but still that's pretty crazy for a forty year old man. And don't get me wrong, I'm not walking about lusting at everything that moves, I just feel very... turned on by life? lol who knows! This is just another aspect of thinking you know what is 'normal' for you, and then realizing that what you thought was normal was nothing of the sort. Yesterday also, I was sitting at the computer, and just the sensation of my sweats rubbing on my crouch gave me a slight hard on as well. Just another thing I thought I had gotten "Too old for". :)
- I haven't had a shriveled up dick now for probably two months or more. I was still getting those here and there not too long ago, and who knows, it might happen again, but I can rest assured that it won't last very long if it does.

Thoughts

- My sexualized world has dramatically been reduced since quitting porn 500 days ago. I can now talk to the opposite sex without being bombarded by sexualized thoughts. Yes, I still have them, but it's considerably less and more appropriate for the moment, and just feels more natural and manlike and not pornlike. There's a part of me that thinks I still have a ways to go in my recovery when it comes to this factor. Once in a while, I still feel my brain is changing up there and it's hard to explain but I think it's true, like I almost can "feel" it changing. I think this might be one of the slower parts of my recovery and I'm looking forward to seeing where it takes me. Also, I'm still getting used to learning about my new less sexualized self. It's funny, because in some ways I feel more sexual than ever before, however, it's NOT sexualized, if that makes sense?
- Following that thought, I've read in many accounts where people describe one day just waking up and something just clicked inside and everything was totally different mentally for them: depression, social anxiety, mental fog etc. I don't know if this will happen for me, but there is a part of me that feels I am still living in a semi-fog/dream like state sometimes. Obviously this is really hard to explain, but it is how I feel at moments during the week. However, if this is the extant of my recovery mentally, please know that it's still many times better than when looking at porn in the old days. There is simply no reason to go back.
- Social anxiety, while never being terrible like some have mentioned here, it has definitely improved, especially when talking to the opposite sex. There's just a natural chemistry that happens when one hasn't been looking and wanking to porn (and I don't mean attraction necessarily) that most women seem to pick up on in a subconscious way. It's like their brain tells them subconsciously, this fella is not a wanker, it's okay to chill and talk with him. Also, I do find myself talking to people in general more now than before.


Well I hope that helps someone out there!

Love you guys and thanks for all your encouragement over the last year. You have no idea how much it helps me.

Now on to day 517, a truly momentous day for me.

This entire reply was brilliant! I'm so happy for you man!

Also, I'm still getting used to learning about my new less sexualized self. It's funny, because in some ways I feel more sexual than ever before, however, it's NOT sexualized, if that makes sense?
I know exactly what you mean here. Your true, sexual, masculine energy is returning in full force since you are no longer consuming porn, which is a guaranteed masculinity killer. I swear, porn blunts your very soul at the tips. The lack of sexualisation you referred to definitely comes from abstaining from porn, and maybe even orgasms to a lesser extent; since it taints the human brain into overly sexualising women instead of seeing them as people. In short, you're feeling how a man should feel!

Following that thought, I've read in many accounts where people describe one day just waking up and something just clicked inside and everything was totally different mentally for them: depression, social anxiety, mental fog etc. I don't know if this will happen for me, but there is a part of me that feels I am still living in a semi-fog/dream like state sometimes. Obviously this is really hard to explain, but it is how I feel at moments during the week. However, if this is the extant of my recovery mentally, please know that it's still many times better than when looking at porn in the old days. There is simply no reason to go back.
I am still experiencing brain fog as well! I think it's a minor form of depersonalisation/ derealisation disorder but I'm of course very careful with self diagnosis, I assumed it was due to the porn and depression. It is certainly a lot better nowadays though! Brain fog is becoming a much larger issue than it used to be!

Social anxiety, while never being terrible like some have mentioned here, it has definitely improved, especially when talking to the opposite sex. There's just a natural chemistry that happens when one hasn't been looking and wanking to porn (and I don't mean attraction necessarily) that most women seem to pick up on in a subconscious way. It's like their brain tells them subconsciously, this fella is not a wanker, it's okay to chill and talk with him. Also, I do find myself talking to people in general more now than before.
Women definitely pick up on it. I can never figure out why, but they are fantastic at sensing energy and auras, especialy in men. Perhaps it's a safety thing, since they are physically smaller than men so mother nature needed to come up with a safety program!

Keep fighting the good fight, king
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 503

Day 21 of no O


Thanks @SmokenMirrors.
Brain fog is becoming a much larger issue than it used to be!
Good to hear my man. Yes, we still have a ways to go, and that makes me very happy.
Women definitely pick up on it. I can never figure out why, but they are fantastic at sensing energy and auras, especialy in men. Perhaps it's a safety thing, since they are physically smaller than men so mother nature needed to come up with a safety program!
I absolutely agree with this. They've spent years being intuitive by necessity, and that makes sense is this regard. That's what you get, when women see and feel the world in technicolor, and us men only in black and white.

Best to you brother! :)
 
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Blondie

Respected Member
Day 504

Day 22 of no O


I haven't been sleeping very well the last four days, and last night was the worse. One of my teeth started hurting yesterday, one that I've alreadly spent a lot of money on, so that pissed me off, and thus, I couldn't calm my thoughts last night to sleep. And since I'm back in college again, I'm not exactly rolling in the dough. I'll figure it out, I always do, but the no sleep thing is really starting to catch up to me. I relapsed once before because I was so tired, I really can't let that happen again.

My libido seems to have calmed down a bit too these last few days, I'm maybe even in a small flatline. At this point, I couldn't care one way or another, because I know it's getting better no matter what.

Stay strong everyone, don't let life's little bumps in the road get to you.

We press on.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Thanks @Androg. Yeah, maybe I'll try to fit a nap into my schedule today. I'm going back to the dentist this afternoon to see what the hell is going on. It's not the pain that pisses me off, it's the lack of money lol.

But, I'm done bitching for today.

Porn is not an option. I didn't come this far to blow it on something that is only temporary to the rest of my life.

I'm alreadly feeling a little better just writing this out.
 

First_step_thousand_miles

Well-Known Member
Day 504

Day 22 of no O


I haven't been sleeping very well the last four days, and last night was the worse. One of my teeth started hurting yesterday, one that I've alreadly spent a lot of money on, so that pissed me off, and thus, I couldn't calm my thoughts last night to sleep. And since I'm back in college again, I'm not exactly rolling in the dough. I'll figure it out, I always do, but the no sleep thing is really starting to catch up to me. I relapsed once before because I was so tired, I really can't let that happen again.

My libido seems to have calmed down a bit too these last few days, I'm maybe even in a small flatline. At this point, I couldn't care one way or another, because I know it's getting better no matter what.

Stay strong everyone, don't let life's little bumps in the road get to you.

We press on.
Take a break, do something you enjoy, and reset. I know what you mean, I'm dealing with a few minor annoying medical issues at the moment as well. Some days easier than others but working to resolving all of them, guess that just takes time. Here if you need us my man!
 

GBS

Respected Member
Here’s some things I don’t like….in reverse order of how much I dislike them:

1. Toothache
2. Toothache on a tooth that’s had serious wonga spent on it
3. Pornography

I feel your pain pal. At least you don’t have to contend with number 3 ever again.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Thank you @SmokenMirrors and @GBS. You guys are great.

I feel kind of dumb, it all turned out well. I got an implant a while back (for a future crown), and out of the blue it started to hurt yesterday, thus I thought I might have messed something up on top of the implant procedure which had alreadly cost me money I didn't have. Anyway, I guess I had a little tartar build up under the cap and thus, it started to cause me some pain. Needless to say, he removed the cap, cleaned it up, and told me to start cleaning it better. :)

Although I feel slightly like a dumbass freaking out like I did this morning (I really do hate getting into debt I can't afford) I drove home afterwards feeling very proud of myself because I handled the stress like an adult. Not too many moons ago I would have succumbed to porn to 'relieve' myself of my stress, but today, I just sailed through thinking in more future oriented terms. So many times in the past I would have turned to porn because of XYZ, then a few hours later, wondered why the fuck I couldn't have just held out until the storm passed through. But not today.

We can't change how we've reacted in our past, but we can change how we react in this very moment.

Thanks for your support fellas. And thank you GBS for a new word. Wonga, that's fantastic.
 

Warhawk

Active Member
Man, it's been a while since I've checked in on the forums, so I know I'm late here, but huge congrats on crossing the 500 mark @Blondie!! It's really cool to read of your ongoing improvements and positive gains continuing through your journey. Happy for you brother!!
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 506

Day 24 of no O


Well I had some wine last night to knock off the edge to get some sleep. It had been five days of hardly any sleep, so I was an absolute zombie yesterday and wasn't able to function. I almost fell asleep in my class because I was so tired. Needless to say, I didn't get any studying done and just stared out the window all day long. I'm not sure what's going on, but sometimes this happens to me, where I just can't rest my thoughts for a few nights, then it passes and I sleep well for months at a time. This is the third time in last eighteen months, so I guess it's not that bad. The first time lasted for almost a month though, and that was right before my last relapse, which kind of scares me because I lose my will to fight when I'm so tired. Thus, I had a drink (not too much though) and did manage to get some sleep.

It's times like these where I feel I would greatly benefit by getting into meditation, but for whatever reason, I've never been able to get into the practice. Funny enough, my thoughts at night are usually not full of anxieties or concerns (though sometimes), but just thinking about things I'm reading, or studying, matters I'm excited about etc. The second time this happened I knocked it off to withdrawal symptoms, but being this far out, I'm thinking that's probably not the case at the moment. I'll back off on the reading at night and start listening to peaceful music and see what happens.

My man @First_step_thousand_miles was reading Pride and Prejudice a few days ago, which made think about the book and the movie (utter classics by the way), thus, I listened to this yesterday because it always puts me in a peaceful state. I use to play this all the time on the piano, but it's been years since I've had one, maybe I should buy a cheap keyboard or something just to calm myself and to enjoy the moment.

Music always soothes my soul.

Best all

 
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