A journal

Winnerwhoabstains

Active Member
Well _ Mo'd once last night.

It was quicker, less fantasy.

So - I am choosing to view this is "okay I lapsed" and this is the lapse "petering out" like slowly I worked my way out of it.

I am feeling pretty good, so yeah the lapse lessoned and lessoned and now I am going to continue working harder to recover.


I am going to do 20 minutes of tools - for abstaining that I learned ( via journaling) right now. Then go work out.

Actually let my journal about goals also so:

20 minutes of tools
10 minutes journaling about goals
Workout

starting....now!
 

Winnerwhoabstains

Active Member
I did the journaling and workout - went well! The issue was - I did sauna after workout - then like did nothing at home for awhile. Basically I wasted like several hours not knowing where the time went.

Tomrrow I signed up for an early afternoon muay thai class - was not sure about it, but it was the only one I could get in and maybe a legit HARD workout will be good.

Like I have been swimming 30 min with my mom, stuff like that. But being pushed like all out for an hour is super different, and sometimes it can give me a strong sense of calm.

Goodness - I forgot. I am pretty broke and money is an issue. Thinking maybe try and get into dog walking as a side hustle - it could help me lose weight and I love dogs.
 

Winnerwhoabstains

Active Member
A little success! I had thought like I want to get my own dog walking clients etc - but hey, why not just take A step?

There was an add for dog walkers in my neighborhood - not super high paying but hey, why not? So I just applied to it. I like my chances, I write good cover letters and I am good on interviews
 

TypeN

Active Member
Nice! Dogs are great, and like you say walking them is good exercise. The coolest side hustle. :cool:

Great that you're signing up for classes and stuff too. I bet these things will keep you busy nicely as you bring the lapses to a close.
 

Winnerwhoabstains

Active Member
Thanks for the support! hmmm - the day went a bit sideways. Lapsed again LAST night.

But - I think the going out early to the class did not work out, I skipped my routines and it ended up that the class idk - it was not a really hard workout it didn't give me the boost I'd hoped etc. then school ended up being closed so I had planned to meditate and did not.

Then what happened was - I talked to two girls outside the school I was telling stories, not really paying attention to what I was saying. But then something came up, that tends to lead to me feeling angry. And I like really got angry and ranted and worry if there will be consequences. I also was drained and just things got thrown off.


Uggghh - well, I think the lapse is just having me off and it's frustrating like my will and energy is less. So it is hard to stay on track. ughh.

Also been having headaches like all the time.


Well, thats it I don't really have anything positive to share. Just feel crappy
 

Winnerwhoabstains

Active Member
Quick check in - I finally posted a video again yesterday for the first time in like a week or so - so it'll be nice to get that going again. I did a TON of working out today. Sort of to change it up, I have not done a long workout like that in awhile.

And importantly I have been abstaining again!
 

Winnerwhoabstains

Active Member
Woah - I let the time fly a bit too much.....
I had had two mild lapses , but have been abstained the last few days.

I posted a video last night but the click through rate is abysmal. So that frustrates me a bit.
 

Winnerwhoabstains

Active Member
Hey guys - I am feeling very good. I guess I'll write more later.

But I am doing this 10 week mindset program - that is legit. With guided hypnosis and stuff. It is good stuff, the guys who made it are like therapists so it's not like over the top stuff. But practical positivity.

I did no carb for a few days and that really helped me reset and have more energy. Today I am going to have light carbs. In the past I over did no carbs and then would binge. So I'll be easy on myself, I did 3 days now I'll have fruit and if I prefer it, I could always cut the carbs out again

I have been practicing spanish again it is GREAT for my mind. I believe learning releases brain chemicals that boost happiness. I've been aiming to just slip in little bits of practice
 

TypeN

Active Member
Hey guys - I am feeling very good. I guess I'll write more later.

But I am doing this 10 week mindset program - that is legit. With guided hypnosis and stuff. It is good stuff, the guys who made it are like therapists so it's not like over the top stuff. But practical positivity.

I did no carb for a few days and that really helped me reset and have more energy. Today I am going to have light carbs. In the past I over did no carbs and then would binge. So I'll be easy on myself, I did 3 days now I'll have fruit and if I prefer it, I could always cut the carbs out again

I have been practicing spanish again it is GREAT for my mind. I believe learning releases brain chemicals that boost happiness. I've been aiming to just slip in little bits of practice

Good stuff man. I think it's great that you're trying out all these different things to enrich yourself. Besides the benefits you discuss of each activity, occupying your time with all these things gives your brain something cool to do. Seems like a great way to take yourself away from the headspace of acting out.
 

Winnerwhoabstains

Active Member
Thanks! Stopping in a language exchange right now.

I felt pretty sick yesterday - like very sick and did basically nothing BUT I did do the recordings for the 10 week mindset program.

So, with youtube I see my past videos are doing well - like I am doing nothing and just getting subscribers - so I feel a bit annoyed like I am letting opportunity pass me by. I think what I'd like to do is just set a timer for 2 minutes and start working on a video - just get the ball rolling in small steps.

Then I can focus on posting shorts mostly for now perhaps.
 

Winnerwhoabstains

Active Member
Still sick - so have not been doing too much. But I have been abstaining and still following that program. Getting sick kind of stinks - haven't made videos BUT - I have been gaining a lot of subscribers the last few days. So it is cool to see that work I did in the past is continuing to pay off. So that makes me hopeful for the future.

I often feared and resisted "building" things. So this excites me for the potential of using consistency, or at least sticking to the same projects to build up the benefits overtime.

I will now, work on video creating for TWO minutes. At least get that ball rolling. I'll do it in bed, with a timer. Just get it rolling a bit
 

Winnerwhoabstains

Active Member
Well - I made a short. Still have to post it but that probably won't take more than 10 minutes. Glad I did it - feeling not to good but seeing progress in the channel and wanted to continue that progress going.

Just took a hot bath. Thinking to perhaps stretch a little bit.

Felt better for a bit but now pretty sick again - but good sign that I felt better for a bit AND that I ate earlier and my stomach is uncomfortable but not very bad - it had been very bad every other time I ate before this.
 

TypeN

Active Member
Sorry to hear that you're sick, but you're doing well in spite of that! I think that's a good attitude you've been exercising, of doing just a little bit to get the ball rolling. That's what I've been doing with exercise lately, on days I feel off; just doing a little of my usual routine if I can't do the whole thing, or maybe even just going and doing something light that I've never tried instead.

Perhaps for your videos that sort of thing could work too. For example, since you're a creator, doing research about editing, or lighting, or cameras/equipment (I don't know what kind of videos you make -- but you get the idea); that sort of stuff would be constructive for your goals with content creation, on days where you don't feel up to actually making content or need a break. Just a thought!
 

Winnerwhoabstains

Active Member
Sorry to hear that you're sick, but you're doing well in spite of that! I think that's a good attitude you've been exercising, of doing just a little bit to get the ball rolling. That's what I've been doing with exercise lately, on days I feel off; just doing a little of my usual routine if I can't do the whole thing, or maybe even just going and doing something light that I've never tried instead.

Perhaps for your videos that sort of thing could work too. For example, since you're a creator, doing research about editing, or lighting, or cameras/equipment (I don't know what kind of videos you make -- but you get the idea); that sort of stuff would be constructive for your goals with content creation, on days where you don't feel up to actually making content or need a break. Just a thought!
Thanks that is a great idea! Yeah, I think just doing small things a bit for it each day could keep momentum.

Again, it is cool to see that my past efforts continue to pay off. I have been gaining subscribers and this gives me confidence for future projects. Thinking long term will help - as I am not sure this channel will lead where I want it to. But just seeing that I can build a channel is cool.
 

Winnerwhoabstains

Active Member
I did training for dog walking job - it went very well. Last night I felt sick and was planning to cancel, but I am soo glad I didn't. I decided who cares, I'll feel sick anyways, so may as well get the job - it is a big opportunity!

I did not breath on anyone, washed hands a lot etc. to do my best to not spread it. I know it's not perfectly courteous, but I need the job and not going would probably prevent me getting it - so it is what it is. So just did my best to be considerate.

Anyways, the training went well and I suppose I'll just aim not to get too high or too low and keep moving forward. So I had some good job training, it did not take too much out of me. I'll take a bit of a rest, eat a salad. Nap - but not too long.

Then try and be productive OR rest in a positive way. Perhaps reading or watching some educational videos. I have been feeling a bit more motivated and that is good. Let's see what I can do with this job to lead towards my business goals.
 

Winnerwhoabstains

Active Member
Hey guys, checking in. Still sick but moving along. Going to mostly be home today - have a small amount of caffeine spread out to help with productive a bit.


My youtube is doing well. I am thinking to myself : the channel may not have been what I expected but I am looking at it as a job/ project. It's not personal. I think looking at my own business as basically having a job - but being employed by my own company is helpful. Not make it all about me, what I like. The success of the project is key.


Anyway, also I just feel like that fact that I have been able to get views and grow a channel gives me confidence - it's like "okay, I really can do things that work". So, I will aim to work on the next project.

I notice though I have worries about the future, like what if the work I am doing becomes obsolete, phased out, stops working. But I had read somewhere - focusing on what needs to be done now is much more important than worrying about what might happen in the future.
 

Winnerwhoabstains

Active Member
So, did the dog walking today. Was pretty nice basically just hanging with dogs.

I am tired though, it was shorter then the shifts will be but I am still recovering. Took is easy this evening, skipped boxing and meditation which bums me out a bit but I think I need the rest. However, I would like to work a bit on my videos.

One of my old videos is taking off - I am doing a lot of fantasizing about how things are so good now - but reality is putting the work in is the way to keep it going and augment it! Still a ways to go.... and bringing in some money'd be great
 

Winnerwhoabstains

Active Member
So: I think I'll write a bit more this time and use this journal to clear my head/ get thoughts out more.


So - I woke up not feeling too good. Still recovering. Yesterday I had more energy and felt good while working out - but I had micro dosed caffeine the entire day. So I am not certain how much of the not feeling good is sick - and how much is a caffeine hang over. As I can be quite sensitive to caffeine.

Thinking about it now - emotionally I did not feel very good today and felt irritable and a bit "raw" and I think that is due to the caffeine yesterday - I tend to get strong effects with caffeine, ups and downs. Strong emotions.

Anyway - I woke up and I don't remember too well the very beginning of the morning - but I aimed to schedule my day, but was getting off track a bit. While aiming to schedule I was "researching" things like possible meetups to go to - but really it ended up being too many decisions and a lot of essentially scrolling. Being honest with my self: I have become a bit compulsive with browsing lately. Quite a bit so.

Even random things like - there are these hypnosis recordings I really like that are great and a giant website with them. BUT - I notice that I want to scroll through the ones I have and go on the website and look through what they have. Like a real desire for pleasure. This may not be the worst thing in the world, but it is somewhat strong. Anyway, scheduling I think -could use less distraction. Me a pen, paper and timer are the tools that are best.

Aaaahh something important. So let me give myself credit for a big accomplishment and positive before I analyze the pitfalls.

My youtube has taken off a good bit - a good lesson here is delayed gratification as videos I made in the beggining of the year are taking off.
( note I am planning to keep the channel private/ i.e not post it here. I may start other channels in the future though.
The success:

So it took me nearly a year to get my 1st 1,000 subscribers which I achieved last Thursday. But then 9 days later -yesterday I hit 2,000. I believe I am right by 2200 now. Seems like I am gaining a bit more than 200 per a day. One of my shorts took off and is getting several 1,000 views an hour and is 300,000 views total. A cool milestone is I am almost at one million total views! I am on pace to hit that tomorrow I think - depending on when they are tallied up.


HOWEVER - 1) The vast majority of this is from one video. It is great but it will not last forever. ( though I can WORK to get additional results - but I've not been)

2) So this was quite exciting for a few days - which is great. But it led to part of my scrolling/phone checking. I am getting a subscriber like every few minutes or less -I can often refresh YouTube studio and the number will go up -so I got into check it loads and refreshing it on my phone. Kind of gambling like, I like seeing the number go up.

BUT - now it feels just like "oh cool/ normal" - like it is great and my confidence in creating successful ventures is higher BUT - basically the first days I got very excited and was just fantasizing loads about how great my success is going to be - and doing nothing to make that happen. As in - making new videos, working on ways to sell products and services etc.

At least the last few days I did a little bit. But short bits.

I think basically I have been really getting into feeling good - like it feels good to look at the numbers going up and to fantasize about how awesome things are going to be - but I start working and it is unpleasant at times lol.

Like I would get pumped work a few min, hit the tiniest snag or displeasure and stop. I think basically getting used to the pleasure and no discomfort - it's not like it was that hard the work - just like me being really sensitive to a decrease in the pleasure.


Anyway - I did not follow the schedule at all really today.

I wasted like 2 hours on youtube - did not even enjoy it , just like scrolling watching parts of things etc.

Then there was some issues in the apartment, toilet broken issues with me using too much hot water, landlord mentioning raising rent etc. She is nice and I have had it raised at all but it was stressful.

Anyways - what did help though is : I just NAPPED. I really needed it like an escape but in a HEALTHY way. At first I read a little bit which wow - a lot nicer. I have learned a million times reading can relax me for real, unlike watching youtube.


So I read a little bit - was having trouble relaxing but put on some monural beats ( just like binaural beats except you don't need to wear headphones and after awhile finally relaxed and it was great. I did 30 min, then repeated the timer and did 30 min more.

I note I am still sick but - that cleared my head a lot. Thinking now - I think some stretching would be really good for me. AND - I have all these unused class pass credits - maybe I could get a massage, I know for some people that can trigger urges, but it has not been for me in the past.

Anyway a few other notes:

Today I was feeling lonely and a bit down socially. I think I am no longer friends with two fairly long term friends. I mean to be fair, one of them it had basically ended months ago ( we had some issues, maybe I'll write to process them in future) and the other one we talked all the time and supported each other and he hasn't been taking my calls.

Brief notes on that one :

So the second friend who I have lost touch with has been a massive source of support and is a really good guy.

He is bipolar - real bipolar, I even read some articles about quitting porn and accounts where people say they feel bipolar. But no, bipolar is not that. For example, he has the milder form : I know he has been hospitalized for manic episodes, which is the norm. Basically like it is kind of like going crazy, not just being really happy. Anyways - we talk tons and I was super stressed and had a lot on my plate at the time making videos daily.


So - he had gotten annoyed at me a few times - like ignoring me. At the same time he was annoying me but I was holding it in. So - he brought up something that he was upset about with me - and to be fair to him he brought it up in a reasonable way.

But - I just wanted a break, like I felt stressed at the time making a video daily ( note to self :It was stressful but those videos I posted have resulted in my channel growing literally 50x faster than prior....)

Anyways: I felt like I needed a break and just did not want to deal with him being upset. So I blocked his number - just with the intention of waiting a bit. And I felt anxious about talking etc. so I just kept waiting. Then after a week or two - I just texted like " hey bro just been stressed with the videos and focused on that - talk soon" and he responded like great or whatever.


Anyways..... some weeks prior I had told him about my therapist and he wanted to know her name. I was hesitant but he sort of had an outburst of " you don't trust me!" ( this was on the phone) and I reluctantly told him - like I didn't want like my freaking friend seeing my therapist....

He would have weird outbursts like that sometimes about trust -odd. Hindsight maybe he was slightly manic during these months ( irritability is part of it)

Anyway - I was planning to talk to him soon, but giving it a bit of time. I have a great therapy appointment and walk out and in the waiting room there he is.....

He hugged me but then soon after said he had to work on something - I was not sure if he was still irritable/ mad ( which he had been periodically) or just focused. But I felt super freaking stressed. Like I don't want to share my therapist with a friend, like it's weird. It's a private thing.

Anyways - I was stressing about it - I told her about it. And she can't tell me specifics but said we would not run into each other again.

sigghhh. Anyways - I called a few times recently and no answers.


Also - he was aiming to take a leave from work. I'd have to talk him out of doing crazy things often and it looks like in the few weeks we did not talk he was doing something crazy.

So - I don't know if he is mad at me, manic and doing crazy shit, or that passed and he is in a down - in the past I would not hear from him for months.

Well - I feel a bit better writting it out.
 
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