Coding the Mind

[CodeTheMind]

Day 5

This stage merely equates to a pre-season. Quitting would mean that there are no results in the future and that the good things that the lifestyle provides me with in the present would disappear. I feel more attention and mental clearness already and I cannot simply imagine what the change in my life could be if I fully succeed with this. The dark side of things is that I am having to deal with the difficulty of not being used to not experiencing sexual pleasure with all the chemical activity in the brain that is related to it. I (naturally?) feel very frustrated, sexually. But I will not allow this to defeat me. A life like this is likely one of the hardest ones to learn for those of us who come from the opposite direction, not having experienced a healthy life in the stages of development.

I think it is important to normalize the struggle and difficulty of this. No one should really expect that just because they want to quit quitting will be a walk in the park, nor is this the land of milk and cookies.

 

[Androg]

Every addict indulges in hopeless feelings. We all have to learn to acknowledge them, release them, and roll on doing the next right thing.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Every addict indulges in hopeless feelings. We all have to learn to acknowledge them, release them, and roll on doing the next right thing.

Yes to keep going is very important. There needs to be a certain active and conscious balancing act. I cannot dwell on my misfortunes forever just as I cant ignore them.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Yesterday was the most difficult day in terms of urges and today is the most difficult day emotionally. Having somewhat suppressed my urges (not entirely) emotions are a way for the body/brain to express its discomfort to the changes that I am making. Ok time to regain some mental strength and stand up once again! I keep going.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 6

Yesterday is gone, and I am glad for it. I feel that if I went through that now I can really handle a lot of discomfort. In my experience and comparing myself to others I have always had the most difficulty with getting past the first week. So hopefully now I gained enough stability to at least navigate this situation with a stronger course.

It is so relieving to know I reached this day despite all the difficulty! What I really want to begin doing now is simply to reduce the moments of negativity and start reusing my energy for better things. Lets say I am still no good when it comes to transmuting sexual energy, and ofttimes I find myself with all of this energy that I do not know what to do with it!

Also I do not wish to dwell on the life I had in the very recent past, I need to let it all go and move on.

 

[CodeTheMind]

As predicted it does seems that I have a stronger control over the situation, at least for the moment. But there is so much work to be done. I cannot sleep so I decided to make a chart, I do not vouch for its precision but I think it is somewhat accurate. I do not even know what use it has but I had to do something to keep my mind out of the frustration.

 

[Androg]

Hope you continue to improve.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Hope you continue to improve.

Thank you so much.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 7

Urges increased a bit today, but the day is far from over so I don't know where it is going. I am dealing with a headache and I am not entirely sure it is a withdrawal symptom or if its just coincidental.

I am visualizing how I would be feeling if I relapse, and how everything would be reversed. My goal is to not ever forget all the terrible emotions, the psychological turmoil, and physical weakening that a relapse would cause within myself. In all truth there is also a "positive aspect": instant gratification and momentary retreat from reality. And if not focused I could easily fall for that trap, my mind could only see the positive aspect and ignore all the negative ones. The full picture obviously shows that the negative aspects outweigh and outlast the positive ones, so I am working on visualizing just that. I am not even sure if considering what I just called positive aspects as truly positive at all, certainly I could still be confused about all of this. I cannot lie and say that I do not miss porn, because I do. But I am trying with a lot of heart to live without it.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Its hard to manage a mental issue when the habit is interwoven into the fabric of decision making process.
That's why instead of using mental faculties to limit activities, we use non-cognitive activites to help us:
1. Environmental management.
2. Indirect brain washing < you're doing this now!
3. No free time
4. Achievement led happiness
5. Gratitude for everything

None of these tells us not to look at P
All it does is to make it inaccessible, undesirable or unnecessary by delivering what P delivers, ahead of P.

Expand your pool of non p derived pleasures and you'd find that it's quite doable.

Believe in yourself!

 

[the_correct_wolf]

I'm a big fan of the data driven approach. I have kept a chart like that for the past year or so. Each day I record a few behaviours/indicators of either healthy or unhealthy progress. This can help you analyse patterns retroactively, but also anticipate trouble and be more proactive.

I also strongly believe one of the most common uses this serves is as a coping mechanism for emotions we don't understand. I highly recommend working on your emotional literacy. Take a few minutes each day to write down three emotions you felt, look up one of those emotions wheels if you need, then for each one three more behind it. Once you've got that down for each one, write down some reasons you feel this way, and things you can do to feel this more/less often, depending on whether it's good or bad.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Its hard to manage a mental issue when the habit is interwoven into the mental decision making process itself.
That's why instead of using mental faculties to limit activities, we use non-cognitive processes to help us:
Environmental management.
Indirect brain washing < you're doing this now!
No free time
Happiness Replacement through achievements
Gratitude for everything

None of these tells us not to look at P
All it does is to make it inaccessible, undesirable or unnecessary by delivering what P delivers, ahead of P.

Expand your pool of anti p resources and you'd find that it's quite doable.

Believe in yourself!

I admit it, during this first week I have been too focused in cognitive self-therapy. And I also am highly aware that I have neglected/postponed the very things you suggested. Thanks for noticing that and bringing it into my attention!

I think it is time to upgrade my game and make the public commitment to add the following goals as important parts of my new lifestyle and recovery system, some I already do (not to their maximum potential): work-out, going for walks/runs, cold showers, reading, meditation, very healthy diet, journaling, strategize my life, visualization, healthy sleep routine, and overall freedom from useless distractions. This is a public commitment so I will do daily briefings here in my journal.

 

[CodeTheMind]

I'm a big fan of the data driven approach. I have kept a chart like that for the past year or so. Each day I record a few behaviours/indicators of either healthy or unhealthy progress. This can help you analyse patterns retroactively, but also anticipate trouble and be more proactive.

I also strongly believe one of the most common uses this serves is as a coping mechanism for emotions we don't understand. I highly recommend working on your emotional literacy. Take a few minutes each day to write down three emotions you felt, look up one of those emotions wheels if you need, then for each one three more behind it. Once you've got that down for each one, write down some reasons you feel this way, and things you can do to feel this more/less often, depending on whether it's good or bad.

Yes! True, this way might actually clear up some things we do not understand of the process. Advice taken! I will work on my emotional literacy, likely privately. Perhaps I will keep posting a chart weekly, if I keep finding it useful.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 7 public commitment side goals:

• Workout
• Walk/Run
• Cold shower
• Journal
• Meditation
  
• Visualization
• Strategy
• Clean my room
• Read
• Freedom from distractions: 85% free.
• Healthy sleep the day before:
• Healthy diet

Updated weekly PMO recovery chart:

 

[TakeActionNow]

This is truly beautiful. Thank you for taking the scientific step and charting it. A picture tells a thousand words!

Now, I want to encourage you to actively look on the bright side. I ask you the include things and events that made you glad and grateful.

Since we only get what we're focusing on, like the cyclist who invariably runs into the ball rolling across her path because she is focusing so hard on trying to avoid it (ironic), start focusing on all the good you've created or received across the day.

Gratitude leads to receiving, leads to happiness and contentment.

Add a line on what you're happy and grateful for, and actively work on lifting that line.

Great work on the chart!

 

[CodeTheMind]

This is truly beautiful. Thank you for taking the scientific step and charting it. A picture tells a thousand words!

Now, I want to encourage you to actively look on the bright side. I ask you the include things and events that made you glad and grateful.

Since we only get what we're focusing on, like the cyclist who invariably runs into the ball rolling across her path because she is focusing so hard on trying to avoid it (ironic), start focusing on all the good you've created or received across the day.

Gratitude leads to receiving, leads to happiness and contentment.

Add a line on what you're happy and grateful for, and actively work on lifting that line.

Great work on the chart!

Thanks! I feel like Bruce Banner

Yes, I planed to add a golden line to measure productivity/achievements! I appreciate you pointed it out, I am more motivated to add that now. Due to the system I created for that measure I can only add that line publicly on the monthly chart, instead of the weekly chart (it takes me a lot of multiplication to do and I prefer to do it monthly to save time).

I think it would be wise as well to add a gratitude daily list to my side goals commitment.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 8

The day is far from over but I am feeling great so far! I am very happy, probably haven't been this happy since I started this recovery again, I am happier than I was on day 1 and 2, so far though, things could change and I am not lowering my guard. I will eventually lose this outburst of happiness and gratitude, it happens to everyone, that is life. And I wish with all my heart to be ready for when that comes! My prediction is that in an unknown time I will have leveled my emotions when it comes to dealing with this addiction, might take years.

I hope everyone is doing well and I thank you all for your support.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Urges can arise if given the chance, not being active is a big opportunity for urges to appear and conquer the mind and body.

Today I am doing some preliminary reflexion on the journey that I have done so far and analyzing my week 1 chart. I find that urges (which definitely are a complication) are not the real problem. Rather, the combination of urges + emotional turmoil is what causes a relapse, or alternatively the combination of urges + lack of awareness + distraction + lowering one's guard. Urges by themselves are a natural biological reaction- sure, the urges of an addict are more unhealthy because they are highly influenced by the addition.

During 12 years of addiction I have been influenced by and explored a lot of pornographic and erotic fantasies, of many kinds, this is learned ground (the mind has assimilated all of this as normal and pleasurable). My spectrum of arousal has a lot of variation. Literally, there is a lot to choose from so I can get aroused. And because there is so much variation with so many opportunities for pleasure the chances for turning quitting into a difficulty are higher. My mind is trained to secure sexual pleasure for itself, and it knows exactly how to do it, it is a professional with 12 years of experience in the field. That is in part a bit scary, but I need to be aware of that monstrous quality, better for darkness to be blinded by light.

So where do I go from here? There is not much uncertainty about this. I keep going. I simply keep going. And no drama about that, I will make it. My prediction is that when emotional turmoil (the red line) get bellow urges (the blue line) over a long period of time (with sporadic exceptions) I could consider myself a recovered addict instead of a recovering addict. That could take years, but it is fine. It doesn't matter, I will always be an addict (either sunk in addiction, in recovery, or recovered). I don't think urges will ever cease to exist, perhaps they do get healthier, but it would be very strange if the cease to exist over long periods of time.

 

[CodeTheMind]

Day 8 public commitment side goals:

• Workout
• Walk/Run
• Cold shower
• Journal
• Meditation
• Visualization
• Strategy
• Clean my room
• Read
• Freedom from distractions: 50% free.
• Healthy sleep the day before:
• Healthy diet
• Gratitude

I am aware that meditation is a must and I even stated it since day one. So I will address this difficulty. I've tried to meditate and I felt too overwhelmed. I think that everything I keep under control starts rushing in when I am trying to meditate, it is an opportunity for my mind/body to signal all these urges and emotional turmoil I experience. As I understand it the goal of meditation is exactly to learn, through meditation, to deal with all of those things that arise during the meditation session. I haven't mastered it yet, but I will keep trying. This is essential for my survival.

 

[Androg]

Start with 5 minutes and build from there. You can do it!