PMO destroyed my willpower and vitality. Journal of my journey to 90 days and beyond without this nasty shit

DmdsDmt

Active Member
Hey DmdsDmt.

Reading your journal I see a lot of my own problems in what you're going through. Social media, particularly shorts, reels and tiktoks, plus games on my phone, erode my willpower, and give me "monkey brain". Then I get triggered by some content on them and because my resolve has been weakened it ends in relapse. Honestly, your story reminds me the most of me out of everything I've read on this forum, maybe because we're a similar age (I'm 22).

I'm going to share my 2c with you. I don't know your full story so take the good stuff from what I say and contextualize it to your life. But just know everything I say here is with the best intention for you. I really hope you get through your addiction, I'm struggling with it too.

I also used to have the problem where I might unconsciously be touching my dick at my desk or something. Only touching my dick in the shower and when peeing has helped so much. It's a nice simple rule. It's so much easier to win the battle "upstream" than when things have started to snowball. The rules are: never erection test, don't touch my dick other than in the shower to wash and while peeing. And certainly don't touch the dick when waking up or going to sleep. I also now charge my phone upstairs wayyy away from my bedroom.

Social media will one day be a great tool for you to reach people as an artist. For now, it's only holding you back. The benefits which you will get from posting a few videos now while you're still struggling from this addiction are negligible in comparison to what you will be able to do once you're "clean". Cut social media out of your life now, so that you can get clean. Then once you're clean, you're productivity will be 10000 times larger and you'll easily make up for the time you spent away from it.

I recently uninstalled social media from my phone too. When I need to access it for messages I can use a web browser or use my computer. But honestly FUCK the apps. The social media industry steals as much from us as the porn industry. FUCK THEM.

You're at day 5. You know the more days you clock up the further away you get from that "monkey brain"/"poison brain". That's what you're fighting for.

I'm also here to tell you: you can do it. And you will do it. You will overcome this addiction. The future holds good things for you and you're stronger than you think. Take it a day at a time.

Every day you're fighting for your life. The porn industry and social media industry is fighting to take it from you. Be your own best friend, don't be hard on yourself, manage your self-talk, you are not your own worst enemy, you're there to help keep yourself on track.

I'm terrified I'm going to relapse myself. It's so easy to do. I'm fighting alongside you.

Best of luck buddy. Don't fucking give up.
I really appreciate taking the time to write this man!!πŸ™ We got this for real. The rules that u said about not touching ur dick are really helpful man, imma implement them too. Stay stong my guy!✌️🦍
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
DAY 5 no PMO
DAY 4 no tik toks/reels

I slept pretty bad last night. I had a bunch of nasty nightmares. This is weird but it happens every time after i relapse bad on pmo and then get clean for 3 or 4 days. I have one night with very nasty porn dreams. It was crazy disgusting. I rememeber the feel of disgust and depravation that i was feeling and the gore images. When i woke up i was so happy it wasn't true. I also had some urges last night and started to fantasize a bit but i stopped. Besides that, my mind was racing with random thoughts. I was trying to relax but couldn't.
But everything good today. I got some good news that i am accepted to do an internship at a good company and i hope they will give me a job after too if they like me. As long as i don't spiral into my addictions again, it should be fine. Now i am just waiting for the days to go by and working out and taking cold showers.

Congratulations on your internship! If you can focus on it like you used to focus on porn, it will save you.

I wrote this for myself yesterday, maybe it can help you too. Try to reapply on your internship as well. I wish you the very best of success!

 

DmdsDmt

Active Member
Congratulations on your internship! If you can focus on it like you used to focus on porn, it will save you.

I wrote this for myself yesterday, maybe it can help you too. Try to reapply on your internship as well. I wish you the very best of success!

Thank you very much! I appreciate it man. I really agree with your reboot diploma view. Beeing able to beat this addiction bleeds into other aspects of life for sure. I did another internship before this one where i just butchered it because i got distracted by a girl. It wasn't her fault, it was mine cause i chose to put my sexual energy into her than focusing on my internship. I rationalized at that time that "its better to have a girl than porn". So then i started to just chill with her because it was giving me more dopamine than working on my project, which i totally neglected. And then i started to rationalize my failure as "i didn't like what i was doing on that internship" instead of admitting that i got destracted and lazy. In short I feel like improving on my career and my life in general is just like abstaining from pmo. There is always the devil to distract me from my path. I just need to stay focused and reflect on my past mistakesπŸ™πŸ™
 

DmdsDmt

Active Member
DAY 7 no PMO
DAY 6 no tik toks/shorts

I am having a tough time falling asleep cause my mind is racing. I try to do some breathing to relax myself but its very hard. Its like my mind just can't stop grabbing onto different topics and starts to think all sorts of things about it. Also last night i felt like i was having a lot of stuck emotions in me so i started crying and it all just came out. Felt better after that. This morning i had crazy withdrawls, out of nowhere. I wasn't craving anything in particular but i was just feeling like shit. Today i am focusing on my internship assignment.
Everything good besides this. Staying strongπŸ™πŸ¦
 

DmdsDmt

Active Member
DAY 8 no PMO
DAY 7 no tik toks/reels

I am feeling very sad and depressed today. Its like im drained of all the life force at the moment. Its very tough to focus on work and i feel like i just wanna crawl in a ball and die. LOL. I feel like this because probabily my brain is getting back to the baseline of dopamine. Last night i had a bunch of sexual dreams and was hard to sleep also. Its weird cause during the day i don't have any urge but then every night i have a girl in my dream that i kiss or do all sorts of stuff. Last night she looked like my ex, which i still think about sometimes. Probabily i still want her to come and make the bad feelings go away. I don't want her back but i guess my body still craves her. I dont make much of these feelings cause i know she wasnt a nice woman to keep. I must stay strong cause in these moments when im sad and stuff, i start drifting and start giving into temptations. As im writing this im feeling a bit better. Imma do a workout today and wait for the bad feelings to pass.
 

DmdsDmt

Active Member
DAY 10 no PMO
DAY 9 no tik toks/reels

I have been feeling way better today and yesterday. Been working out and taking cold showers. Ive also been workin on ny internship which is good. I keep having trouble falling asleep cause my mind keeps racing. Also been having a lot of dreams where im kissing girls and stuff, but no wet dream which is good. During the day i am nit fantasizing at all cause i keep myself busy, but at night when its silence and im just laying in bed trying to sleep, a lot of thoughts are coming in and i just can't stop them or its very hard till they stop. But everything good besides that. Im feeling like my lifeforce is coming back which is nice.πŸ™πŸ’ͺ
 

cookiemonster

Active Member
DAY 10 no PMO
DAY 9 no tik toks/reels

I have been feeling way better today and yesterday. Been working out and taking cold showers. Ive also been workin on ny internship which is good. I keep having trouble falling asleep cause my mind keeps racing. Also been having a lot of dreams where im kissing girls and stuff, but no wet dream which is good. During the day i am nit fantasizing at all cause i keep myself busy, but at night when its silence and im just laying in bed trying to sleep, a lot of thoughts are coming in and i just can't stop them or its very hard till they stop. But everything good besides that. Im feeling like my lifeforce is coming back which is nice.πŸ™πŸ’ͺ
Great stuff!
 

DmdsDmt

Active Member
DAY 12 no PMO
DAY 11 no shorts/tik toks

Im doing good for now. Slept good last night. A little hard to focus on work at the moment. I get distracted but music so i'll cut that down for a bit. I am feeling more motivated and success driven these days. Moving forwardπŸ™
 

DmdsDmt

Active Member
DAY 15 no PMO
DAY 14 no reels/tiktoks

I've been feeling great these days. I have a lot of energy, but the drawback is that its hard to sleep. Last night i slept till around 3 in the morning and then i woke up and couldnt fall back asleep. Ive had so many random thoughts that were popping in my head. Every time i was trying to calm my mind, another one would come and i'd just get carried by it. I will try to calm my mind more during the day and meditate. Maybe its cause im busy the whole day and then i get to be me with myself only at night.
Also last night i started fantasizing a bit about a girl but i stopped at the right time thank God. Today im going back home from my sister's house after almost 2 weeks. Now its gonna get harder cause im alone so i'd be easier to relapse. I won't relapse tho! Knowing you guys are keeping me accountable is a really big help, so thank you!! Will be back with updatesπŸ™πŸ’ͺ
 

cookiemonster

Active Member
Don't give in buddy. You're doing great. Just because you're home alone doesn't mean you're going to relapse you can beat it. But how are you going to beat it?

Can you organise to go out once a day to the local shops in the morning, get in touch with society before you jerk yourself off into oblivion? Can you organise to see a friend every second day and explain to them the struggle you're going through and that you want them to check up on you?

I can tell you I'm going to be looking at your journal. I don't want to see a relapse.

Also, I understand fantasies can happen, but at this stage they activate the old porn pathways and keep them alive longer. You want to starve everything that activates them, porn, fantasy, porn substitutes, seeking behaviour etc.

You can do it! Don't give up. I am looking forward to your updates.
 

DmdsDmt

Active Member
Don't give in buddy. You're doing great. Just because you're home alone doesn't mean you're going to relapse you can beat it. But how are you going to beat it?

Can you organise to go out once a day to the local shops in the morning, get in touch with society before you jerk yourself off into oblivion? Can you organise to see a friend every second day and explain to them the struggle you're going through and that you want them to check up on you?

I can tell you I'm going to be looking at your journal. I don't want to see a relapse.

Also, I understand fantasies can happen, but at this stage they activate the old porn pathways and keep them alive longer. You want to starve everything that activates them, porn, fantasy, porn substitutes, seeking behaviour etc.

You can do it! Don't give up. I am looking forward to your updates.
Thank you for your support man! I won't relapse for sureπŸ™πŸ˜€πŸ˜€ You are right tho. I would go for a walk or a short run in the morning usually, but here in The Netherlands, there are some days with only clouds and rain and its very depressing sometimes. This was the reason i stayed in bed sometimes. But now every time i wake up, i try to jump out the bed and start the day. Also about the fantasies, i don't want to indulge in them cause they always drain my energy and i become less centered. Its the devil trying to seduce me straight upand lead me to PMO. So im trying to keep them at bay always. Thanks again for keeping me accountable man!! Lets do this!!πŸ™πŸ™
 

DmdsDmt

Active Member
DAY 17 no PMO
DAY 0 no surf

Hey guys, i will be honest, i gave in and started watching shorts on my pc. While ive been working on my project, i was looking for something specific on youtube and then i started to look at videos on my feed. Then it was just a matter of time before clicking on some shorts. I watched about 10 of them and i also watched a bunch of youtube videos. Then i saw a short with a girl saying she fucked some dude or whatever and my lust instantly kicked in. I stopped imediately which is good. I didn't start touching my dick or something, but i wasn't far from it. So i changed the title of this reply to ''no surf'' and put it to day 0 again. I am at the end of the project now and Ive been so distracted by youtube today while working on it, i barely got anything done and i feel like i get dumber by the day. Its always very hard to focus when im at the end of a project cause i think deep down I'm scared of the final result not being close to my expectations and i start getting very distracted and procrastinate a lot. In the past i would do lots of PMO and drink a ton of coffee and stay up all night at the end of a project which is stupid. This time is different. I only watched some youtube videous and it didn't escalate bad, thank God. I will get back to work now and get it done without engaging in bullshit activities. I promise you guys!😀😀πŸ’ͺπŸ™
 

cookiemonster

Active Member
Fuck porn man and fuck YouTube. I'm eating war alongside you. There's triggering content always there to fuck us up.

Don't let this be the thing which gets you slip. Hold the line. Every day you beat this addiction the easier it gets.

Don't fucking give in, you'll be so proud and happy when you beat this bullshit.

Projects come and go, your freedom from porn fucking up your life is something which will stay with you forever if you make it through this.

Good job for not letting things escalate but it's always harder to gain back control once you're triggered. Delete the triggers, make your life easier.

COME ON! DON'T GIVE UP! I'm fighting with you every single day.
 
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