I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

jonazo91

Active Member
Appreciate the kind words. I actually did have some minor temptation today, probably just in an effort to distract myself. No major problems though and I took the day off work to give myself a little time.


PMO last week (starting Sunday): 1
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2
Current streak: 3 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I had another setback today. Afterward I felt pretty ashamed and upset with myself, and I'm really not trying to beat myself up. I don't know what happened, I came across a trigger somewhat by accident but then dove in headfirst after that. I think I feel extra ashamed because I'm dealing with real stuff right now and I feel ashamed to even think to do stuff like that right ahead.

Anyway, all I can do now is move on and do better. I need a concrete plan for next time I'm hit with a trigger or an urge.

PMO last week (starting Sunday): 1
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 3
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Checking in again, I've done okay the past few days, with a couple stray urges here and there that I've been able to get past without too much incident. Tonight I went out with my fiancee and some of her friends, and it was a pretty good time. Now it's an hour later than it ought to be thanks to daylight savings time and I'm trying to keep myself honest as I wait to get tired enough to fall asleep. Hope everyone is doing well.


PMO last week (starting Sunday): 3
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 0
Current streak: 2 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Did well through 3 days, and then woke up today on too little sleep and waltzed into another setback. I tried to fight it off, stopped for a while, went back to it, and then decided to finish (after finally closing out the porn) just to get it behind me. Great.

Now my focus is on making the rest of my day off not a complete loss. I feel the urge to wallow in shame and self pity and waste the rest of the day. I feel that post-relapse lethargy and I'm trying to fight it off. It's really discouraging to go three days and then revert back to what feels like square one all over again. I feel like I shouldn't keep accepting this pattern. I know it's a process. But I don't have all the time in the world. I want to be done. I want to be able to say no finally. But right now the best thing I can do is snap out of my moping and salvage the rest of this day, be productive, present and social and try to take some lessons into the future.


PMO last week (starting Sunday): 3
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 1
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I've been hiding away in shame as I've had a pretty rough streak of relapses the past few days. Rough as in long sessions that have taken a lot of energy and motivation out of me. I'm very very tired right now so this isn't going to be a long post. My fiancee just interrupted my most recent relapse (without actually catching me) and I'm feeling pretty bad about how I've been behaving the past few days. But it doesn't help to not even post about it. I feel like I'm ready to turn a page now as I've hit a wall of self pity and helplessness. But I don't want to just have three better days and then go back into it again. I have to snap the fuck out of it! No more porn!

PMO last week (starting Sunday): 3
PMO this week (starting Sunday): 2
Current streak: 0 days
 

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
@jonazo91
If I may, your center of focus is wrong.
Because whatever you focus on eventually becomes your reality.

You are focusing too much on weakness, shame, and pity. This will further motivate giving in and giving up.

You need to focus on the good and the strong.
You need to write more about your successes.
You need to write more about what you did well.
This will build confidence and motivation to go more and further.

Park you PMO and streak tracking for the moment. Those are negative trackers.

If you must track, track your clean days. Track that which you are proud of. Accomplishments. That is more important.

But I suggest don't track anything for the moment.

Instead, focusing on collecting and writing all the good that you have done this week that makes you happy and proud. Every little bit, and build on them.

It is the good that empowers us to further greatness. Acknowledge and accumulate your good. You deserve to recognize yourself more.

You can do this. 💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Hi just checking in, I don't really know what to write here right now. It hasn't all been negative but I don't really have the motivation to write a post celebrating my small victories over the past few weeks. Maybe that in itself is a problem. I have a job interview on Thursday that would be a salary bump as well as a move back to first-shift/morning hours rather than 2nd shift/afternoon/night hours, and a return to in-office working (which is a double-edged sword but I find myself looking forward to a return to normalcy in some ways). So I'm excited for that I guess.

Have I still been masturbating to porn and experiencing issues with ED in the bedroom? Well I'm not focusing on negatives for a while I guess.
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Hi just checking in, I don't really know what to write here right now. It hasn't all been negative but I don't really have the motivation to write a post celebrating my small victories over the past few weeks. Maybe that in itself is a problem. I have a job interview on Thursday that would be a salary bump as well as a move back to first-shift/morning hours rather than 2nd shift/afternoon/night hours, and a return to in-office working (which is a double-edged sword but I find myself looking forward to a return to normalcy in some ways). So I'm excited for that I guess.

Have I still been masturbating to porn and experiencing issues with ED in the bedroom? Well I'm not focusing on negatives for a while I guess.
Hope the interview goes well.
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Starting up my journal again today. I only mean it as a way to track what I'm feeling and the frequency of my good days vs. Setback days. I understand there will possibly still be setback days in my future, but Journaling through the good and the bad is good for me, I think. I haven't been able to get a very long streak going lately (not more than 4 days in a row since I downloaded Brainbuddy, apparently) but my mood is okay, I guess. I'm missing a little motivation, being in this kind of weird lame duck period of my current job before my new one starts. I'm going to try and find a little motivation from within.

I had a setback this morning, it's not the end of the world but of course it's not ideal. I'm just taking it one moment at a time and doing what I can in the present to set myself up for a better future.


PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 2
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
Turns out that was just the beginning of a really bad day in terms of my recovery. I looked at porn on and off for most of the day and ended up PMO 3 times. No I'm not proud of it. But I'm tired of feeling miserable after a bad porn day. I feel ready to quit. And still, no matter how many times I find myself at the bottom of the barrel, I have faith that I will put this behind me. Today was definitely a bit of a wake up call about how much my mind can run away from me and lose control when I let it. But I know I'm capable of beating this thing. I'm not deterred. I will never have another day like today. This I promise.


PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 4
Current streak: 0 days
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I don't know, maybe. It's probably not happening right away though. I'm going to try and focus on getting some good habits started up and sticking to them, including exercise, reading, and practicing violin. Also, fixing my also schedule, which will happen inevitably to some extent when I start a morning job soon. I need things to get excited about in my everyday life. I have the wherewithal to start these up and all I need is to stick to them for a while so they can become habits.
 

nickd247

Member
Thanks for the time check. What's the right amount of time it should take to beat this addiction?

given the specifics, it would be a good approximation that for tough cases like ours, it can take 1.5 years no pmo. Gabe deem took 1.5 years for his sexual dysfunction to heal. For hockey14, it took 1.5 years to get an erection by touch alone. Had you been clean for the amount of time you started this journal, you would more than likely be 100% healed by the information available from other guys
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Thanks for the time check. What's the right amount of time it should take to beat this addiction?

There is no one-size-fits-all time period.

It will vary for each of us. But even given lengthy periods of time, there is hope for change. I know this to be true.

Habit change outwardly and mindset changes inwardly will win out the day.

I like the optimism you expressed April 12, that’s key to beating this thing. There is no such thing as a ‘hard case’. Believe that!
 

jonazo91

Active Member
I had just about a week clean until last Wednesday night. Then it was on-and-off again peeking at material yesterday. Had another ED issue with the lady yesterday. I think at this point it's a mix of PIED and anxiety over the fact that it's happened the last few times. I PMOed today because I felt down in the dumps about that experience yesterday, and like I had unresolved sexual tension.

Okay. Well, the stakes are clear. Often, I've wondered if I'd need to hit some sort of "rock-bottom" in order to truly change. Well, waiting for it is stupid. But I am at a place right now where the only way for me to regain a healthy sexual life (and relationship overall) with my fiancee is to quit the porn now. I've been wanting to for a long time. But the stakes are clear now. What changes now, compared with the last times? I don't know, maybe that's the wrong way to look at it. I'm not going to become a different person magically overnight. But I do need to start teaching myself how to move away from porn. How to exit, remove from my life, walk away from porn. There is urgency, but I don't want to invite fear or panic. For now, my fiancee has been plenty understanding and supportive about all of this, but there does need to be a change. I feel bad for her because she's in a similar boat as me. Who can you confide in that your fiance can't get it up and is addicted to porn? We are planning our wedding. There are many joyous parts about our life as we're planning this big celebration of our relationship and our love. But this is threatening to be a big dark cloud over it all. But it doesn't need to be. I can leave it behind.

I do still have optimism. Yes, I did PMO today and generally that's not a good sign of being in a good place. But there's only one way out, and although it will be challenging, it's a way toward greater happiness and fulfillment in so many areas of my life. I look to that, and I get excited. Even when it seems a million miles away.


PMO last week: 2
PMO this week: 1
Current streak: 0 days
 
Top