Escape Velocity - Orbiters Journal

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Orbiter

Well-Known Member
So briefly after my last post, I lapsed. I decided after that i'd knuckle down on my good habits and post here again once i'd finally gotten a week behind me and I was actually able to post something new. Unfortunately that hasn't happened so it's time for me to swallow my pride, admit my mistake and return.

The most recent lapse was after 6 days clean where I, despite knowing the likely effects of alcohol at this stage, went out for work drinks. Due to everyone shouting me drinks, I drank far too much which is in itself a bad idea at work. The hangover was awful, my head and body ached from the moment I woke to the moment I went to bed. I PMOed 3 times during this.

I actually have a date tonight and due to my own actions feel foggy, completely dead downstairs and generally bad. I snapped back into my routine this morning but i'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed in myself. Even when it has the potential to sabotage everything else, I still do it. Why?

Times like this I really wonder what it's going to take for me to finally quit. However since I don't have an answer, I guess i'll just have to take it one day at a time for now.

Day 1
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
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Alcohol is often a trigger for relapse. Can you switch to something non-alcoholic instead next time. Tell the others you want to go for a long run the next day. ;)
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Definitely. I know EVERYTHING about alcohol + porn. Many promising streaks got killed by alcohol. When I get drunk, I binge porn with no resistance, in a violent and extreme way. I never have the same PMO stamina when I'm sober. I wake up the next day with a hangover that feels like the worst flu you can imagine and I have another round of PMO binge to self-medicate my hangover. It doesn't fuckin help that I'm addicted to alcohol. I got drunk out cold just 3 days ago...
 
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O

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Thanks Androg - Yes I can and even then could've made that choice. It was a harsh reminder perhaps I needed that this is exactly the type of living I'm trying to get away from. There were a lot of messy work dramas that night I've managed to avoid getting dragged into but that's also another reason that I don't need any of this. There was literally nothing of value that came out taking part in that night. Next time it'll be a short, non-alcohol appearance if at all...I just need to stick to my guns here and follow through.

Escape - I feel your pain here man. Alcohol to porn is like petrol to fire and i can completely relate to the exact situation you're describing. They've both got to go and to do that, we need to start building a life they have no place in.

Thankfully I think the date went okay. Enough so that I have another one with her this weekend. I'm hoping that'll be a good short term motivator to stick to my guns and steer clear from the usual temptations & habits. Also I'll be posting regularly on here to keep myself in check and aware of any challenges on the horizon.

Day 3 today
 
O

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Had a really difficult, exhausting day with work but, like all difficult days, ultimately they end. Staying P free has been no issue.

I think a quiet, early night is in order tonight.

Day 4
 
O

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Missed yesterday's post as I was busy catching up with family. The week so far has been busy, almost too busy but I suppose the bright side is that it's been preventing me having the chance to get into any trouble.

Feeling like my focus has been strong today. No serious temptations.

Day 6 today.
 
O

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Once again, the previous couple of days have been very busy. Yesterday almost felt a little too much but it's been nice to be active and involved in the real world doing real things with real people. Went for an all day hike today with the woman I was talking about a few posts back. Not sure where it'll go from here but we're catching up again next week so that's something.

It seems at least for the moment, the more engaged & involved with the real world I am, the less temptation or urge there seems to be to fall back into bad old habits. I think this in combination with sticking to the healthy routines seems to be getting me through these 'early' days.

If the proof is in the pudding, it is Day 8 today which has been the longest i've gone since early September last year.

For now, i'll just keep taking each day at a time.
 
O

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Orbiter said:
Once again, the previous couple of days have been very busy. Yesterday almost felt a little too much but it's been nice to be active and involved in the real world doing real things with real people. Went for an all day hike today with the woman I was talking about a few posts back. Not sure where it'll go from here but we're catching up again next week so that's something.

It seems at least for the moment, the more engaged & involved with the real world I am, the less temptation or urge there seems to be to fall back into bad old habits. I think this in combination with sticking to the healthy routines seems to be getting me through these 'early' days.

If the proof is in the pudding, it is Day 8 today which has been the longest i've gone since early September last year.

For now, i'll just keep taking each day at a time.
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Alas I didn't make it through yesterday. All the usual circumstances, being tired & procrastinating on the computer etc. Felt like I was past the point of no return before I even realised it.

It's a shame but I guess it's done now. Nothing left but to get back on track I suppose.

Day 1.
 
CodeTheMind

CodeTheMind

Active Member
Orbiter said:
Alas I didn't make it through yesterday. All the usual circumstances, being tired & procrastinating on the computer etc. Felt like I was past the point of no return before I even realised it.

It's a shame but I guess it's done now. Nothing left but to get back on track I suppose.

Day 1.
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It happens. Keep learning what is the right way for your successful recovery. I think getting back up no matter how hard or how many times the fall truly counts for something. Good luck!
 
O

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
I think thoughts were largely centred around, apart from work, financial stress and all the usual, the woman I've been dating. I think I must have some weird, unresolved attachment issues around this stuff. Constantly stressing about nothing, worrying about the future, worrying if I'll be able to perform when/if the time comes, 'giving up' when she doesn't text back within a few hours etc.

Of course I turn to porn to soothe which makes all of this so much worse.

I feel the thoughts/triggers are in a way not the main issue. There is always going to be problems, doubts, worries and bad feelings. If I can't deal with this without porn, I can't quit.

I don't want to make a pity party out of this. I got myself into this and it's up to me to get myself out. I've felt for awhile like I just don't know where to go with this. Why is it so difficult to make it through a single weekend?

Anyway, it's Day 1
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
What other things might you find soothing while your brain is healing? Sometimes simply doing pushups works. Taking a walk in nature? Calling a friend? Anything to shift your neurochemistry for the better.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Orbiter said:
I feel the thoughts/triggers are in a way not the main issue. There is always going to be problems, doubts, worries and bad feelings. If I can't deal with this without porn, I can't quit.
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I completely agree with this. Ironically, people report that quitting porn make them more able to deal with problems, worries etc. The very thing that promises us to help us deal with the problems, makes us eventually unable to do it in the long run. It's all a fantasy. An addictive behavior or substance could never fix anything. What happened to me is that after years of numbing myself with porn and alcohol, I've realized I have no coping mechanism. Re-learning coping mechanisms is going to suck big time for a while.
 
O

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Escapeandnevercomeback said:
I completely agree with this. Ironically, people report that quitting porn make them more able to deal with problems, worries etc. The very thing that promises us to help us deal with the problems, makes us eventually unable to do it in the long run. It's all a fantasy. An addictive behavior or substance could never fix anything. What happened to me is that after years of numbing myself with porn and alcohol, I've realized I have no coping mechanism. Re-learning coping mechanisms is going to suck big time for a while.
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I feel you on that one Escape!

Managed to make it through most of the weekend with relative ease. I was genuinely surprised by this. I may need to take a closer look at how I made it through as it's been a very long time since I was last able to.

The only issue started to come about late last night when I found myself veering into borderline material on YouTube. I lingered for awhile but did not escalate further and went straight to bed once I'd snapped out of it.

Obviously I shouldn't have been aimless on the laptop at that time of the night. This is well documented as a danger area. I got lucky this time.

Though it was right on the border of it, I'm not going to reset my counter this time. If the behaviour starts repeating itself however I will.

Still pushing forward.

Day 6
 
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