Following the Light

Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 83 no PMO

My interview went really well yesterday! My bishop considers me "spiritually fit" and ready to go serve God. The questions I was asked were about my belief in God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost. It's actually harder for me to not believe in God now. One day I was an addict and the next I was healed. I asked God for His help with this addiction and it suddenly became manageable. It could only have been the healing power of God. Now I'm in a position to go out and serve Him because of that merciful healing.
 
Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 84 no PMO

I had a wet dream last night, the third one this reboot. The dream was about M, no partners or porn. Urges are low despite wet dreams usually being a trigger for me. I continue to exercise and meditate daily, which helps immensely. While exercising this morning, I realized that my cardio routine has pretty much replaced my old P habit. I bike for 1 hour every morning and pretty much shutoff my brain while riding. This is the exact process I would go through with PMO. I would browse P for about an hour, shut my brain off and get dopamine at the end. I can't stress enough how important it was to exercise daily to get my sexual urges under control. It also helps with my confidence and body image, which keeps me away from negative emotions that cause relapse. Definitely worth it!
 
Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 85 no PMO

I realized today that I have been cutting almost all supernormal stimuli out of my life. PMO is the most obvious and dangerous example. I've also cut my time spent on the internet to less than an hour. I avoid all social media and video games. I've also cut fast food to about once or twice a month, choosing to make natural foods instead. I currently don't have a job since I'll be leaving on a mission soon so I spend nearly all of my time reading and writing. The surprising thing is that my life is much more fulfilling now. Saying "no" to the unimportant things to make time for the things that truly matter has been a long process for me but totally worth it at the same time. Unrestricted gratification leads us to slavery and eventually addiction. This is a 21st century problem that really matters because we'll end up as unfulfilled, addicted zombies if we aren't careful.
 
Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 86 no PMO

It's been a good start to the weekend so far. I got to spend time with family yesterday evening and today. I'm still careful about praying and exercising every day. Doing these two things really make a difference when it comes to my mood and urges. At this point in the reboot it seems like maintaining these good habits is what I need to focus on to stay in recovery. I'll also watch out for extra stressful or emotional events, since they could lead to relapse. Overall though, I feel like I'm in a good spot where I focus more on self-development rather than abstaining from porn use.
 
Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 87 no PMO

Going to hit 90 days this week which is awesome. I'm planning on writing a list of all the changes I've experienced in the past 3 months. It'll be interesting to look back to where I was and compare it to where I'm heading now. Past and present me are pretty much two different people! I've had what's known as a "spiritual awakening" as detailed in the 12 steps of AA. It'll be a bit hard to determine what stopping PMO has done for me and what this spiritual awakening has done. I suppose I'll make two separate lists of changes, one physical and one spiritual. Either way, things are looking bright and I'm finally able to move past this addiction and forward into better things.
 
Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 88 no PMO

I am currently waiting for an interview with another ecclesiastical leader for my mission. He has a position above that of a bishop. He's out of town until the 21st so I'll have even more time to recover before going out! The interview process is pretty rigorous since a 2 year mission is a big commitment. They also want to make sure that those people going on missions have character and spiritual maturity. In the end, we represent Jesus Christ and His teachings. It would be tragic for a missionary to serve for the wrong reasons (because his parents wanted him to, he feels obligated to, etc) and damage the faith of the people around him because of that. This was one reason why I've worked through this addiction before going on a mission. I could've lied about my problem and got on a mission but my effectiveness would've been greatly diminished. Basically, it feels good to be going on a mission with no guilt and a clear conscience. Definitely worth the effort to recover first!
 
Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 89 no PMO

Oh boy... I had a really triggering dream last night. I was in a legit brothel with prostitutes all around and I was trying to pay one of them for sex. It was bad bad bad. I haven't felt that much lust in a long time now, pretty much since I started this reboot. One interesting thing to note is that, in the dream, I realized what I was doing was wrong and I stopped the transaction. Then I felt strength come over me because of that decision, I believe it was the power of God that comes when we make righteous choices. Then I woke up, feeling a dichotomy of lust and godly power. It's tough man, like a war between my body and conscience. I just keep praying daily for the lust to be removed. If it comes back into my life, I will relapse.
 
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Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 90 no PMO!
Androg said:
I think of these as "mental housecleaning dreams."
Click to expand...
Lol, yeah maybe that's what it was. I find that I don't think about P during the day, which is good but my brain isn't used to it yet. It was probably a release of pressure or something.

Yesterday was pretty hard because of that dream. I felt "off" the entire day, plus dealing with some urges to lapse. Thankfully, nothing bad happened and I finally hit the 90 day mark today. This was the minimum requirement for being able to go on a mission. Now it looks like I'll be at least 4 months sober before heading out, which will be even better. I might as well make those lists of improvement I was talking about earlier.

Physical changes
  • No PIED at this point, though I didn't use enough for this to be a major problem for me.
  • Way more energy to do things that are important. I find that there's no "baggage" that's always dragging me down. For me, PMO use was like a literal weight on my mind and body.
  • I'm getting a lot more regular dreams in general. Also wet dreams, 3 at this point in recovery.
  • My stress and anxiety are now much lower than when I was using. Granted, I don't have a job and I'm not a student so not very many stressful situations right now.
  • My memory and critical thinking have improved over the reboot. I think around the 2 month point there was a marked difference. Hopefully this will continue to improve, as I feel like my mind was sharper back in high school.
  • I need less sleep compared to before. I also feel less of an inclination to sleep, though sometimes I go through a mini flat line and sleeping is the only thing I want to do! It's hard to tell if I need less sleep because I'm not eating junk food anymore or if it's purely the reboot. Probably a combination of both.
  • My brain fog is starting to lift, also around the 2 month point. This is likely because of the reboot, digital detox and reading every day.
  • My emotions are no longer muted. The result is some staggering emotional highs and some soul crushing lows. Still, I'd rather deal with the good and bad emotions than not feel anything at all.
Spiritual changes
  • I feel no more guilt or shame for my prior actions. I have been completely forgiven by God.
  • I feel way happier in general, bordering on actual joy. It feels so good to listen to a song I love, to see the grass moving in the wind, to spend time with my family. There's no happiness to be found in PMO addiction.
  • My view of women in general is starting to change. I see them as real people, not something to be used to satisfy lustful desires. I am also having a greater desire to marry and start a family, which will be a much more healthy use of my sexuality.
  • I feel much more confident in my personal worth and abilities, especially in regards to talking with other people. Part of this comes from the fact that I don't feel guilty attending my church anymore. I felt a lot of guilt and shame because I wasn't living the standards of my church. Leaving wasn't an option for me because I love my church and fully believe in God. So, my private conduct is now aligned with my public appearances. There's no more duplicity.
  • There is no more lust in my life, as long as I continue to pray and stay away from pornography. If I go back to old habits, I'm sure that this feeling will return. Lust is a terrible master and I'm glad to see it leave my life.
  • I'm feeling a lot more loving in general. It was hard to feel this way at first since love and lust are exact opposites. I've had lust in my heart for so long that I have to relearn what it's like to love other people.
  • I'm feeling a lot more hope for the future. My prospects were pretty bleak while addicted. It looked like I wouldn't serve a mission, it would cause problems in marriage down the line and I felt shame around fellow Christians. Now these problems are solved and I can focus my energy on things besides staying sober.
  • I am able to commune with God and feel His presence. I learned that I couldn't hear God because this addiction was like a barrier which kept me from His presence and light.
  • I have no desire to return to pornography. I'm still dealing with physical urges and ingrained habits, but the desire is completely gone. I believe this is a gift from God because I had a desire deep down to keep looking at porn before being healed.
  • My soul has been cleansed by Jesus Christ. There's no more filth.
This is the best place I've been in years. My mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health are in a really good place right now. My next goal is to reach 4 months no PMO. After that point, I'll likely be serving a mission and moving forward through life. It feels so good to be free.
 
Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 91 no PMO

I've been having some major urges to relapse the last couple of days but it's starting to pass now. Keeping track of the days I'm sober helps a lot now. It was easy to relapse when I only had 2 or 3 weeks built up. 3 months, not so much. The healing I've been able to experience from abstinence is also a great motivator for me. There's really no good reason to return to PMO, it's only my body and brain that wants to go back to that filth.
 
Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 92 no PMO

Androg said:
Stay strong. You can do it. More exercise might help. More socializing can too.
Click to expand...
Hey thanks for the advice. Consistent exercise definitely helps me out. I struggle more with socializing. This is almost a natural result of my introverted hobbies, which are reading and writing. Oh well, I'm not too concerned about this or the urges anymore. Like @Blondie always says, porn is not an option. It wasn't until I solidified this in my mind that I was able to resist PMO. I'm getting to the point where I'd rather lose a limb or something extreme like that than look at porn.
 
Brutus

Brutus

Active Member
Day 95 no PMO

I'm starting to slip into some bad habits again, mainly wasting time on YouTube videos. I've found that spending my time like this is super dissipating, I lose all energy and motivation to do productive work during the day. Starting today I'm going to stop wasting my time like this and see if I feel more motivated over the next couple days.
 
T

Trisquel

Active Member
Brutus said:
Day 85 no PMO

I realized today that I have been cutting almost all supernormal stimuli out of my life. PMO is the most obvious and dangerous example. I've also cut my time spent on the internet to less than an hour. I avoid all social media and video games. I've also cut fast food to about once or twice a month, choosing to make natural foods instead. I currently don't have a job since I'll be leaving on a mission soon so I spend nearly all of my time reading and writing. The surprising thing is that my life is much more fulfilling now. Saying "no" to the unimportant things to make time for the things that truly matter has been a long process for me but totally worth it at the same time. Unrestricted gratification leads us to slavery and eventually addiction. This is a 21st century problem that really matters because we'll end up as unfulfilled, addicted zombies if we aren't careful.
Click to expand...
Thanks for sharing! This is inspiring, I'm going down that same road, trying to cut off every superstimuli out of my life. I think you are vert rught here.
Cheers!
 
T

Trisquel

Active Member
Brutus said:
Day 95 no PMO

I'm starting to slip into some bad habits again, mainly wasting time on YouTube videos. I've found that spending my time like this is super dissipating, I lose all energy and motivation to do productive work during the day. Starting today I'm going to stop wasting my time like this and see if I feel more motivated over the next couple days.
Click to expand...
I'm sorry to hear that!
It can happen when we are tired or stressed or even just bored.
But if it's important for you to keep off those habits deffinitly get back on track and avoid it! subtituting it with different things can be vety helpfull.

I've been having some very bad urges this week. When I'm going trhough it, all I can feel is confussion and stress, my mind is jumping around from one place to another, and is very cahotic. I go then to youtube or other subtitues to feel better or to control it.
But when I abstain, this state goes away after only a couple of days, and I return to having a clear mind again.

Maybe is similar for you.
Stay stong!
 
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