Porn is not an option

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 603

Good news: I've lost about 5 lb. over this last week with my dieting plan. This might be a little too extreme though so I'm going to tone it down a little, I don't want to lose that 1 1/2 pounds of muscle I gained over the spring. ;) However, this morning my pants fit just a little better and that made me very happy. I know my horse will thank me! 🐎

Bad news: I think my mind is still pretty fucked on porn. I still get these moments of sexual noise in my head where I want to act out, that is, in the real world, thus, I have to restrain myself and reel it in, especially in my thought patterns. I think it's fair to say I'm a pretty virile man and I've always loved the ladies. To be honest, porn has often been a way for me to negotiate my struggles with being monogamous during this relationship, or, so I told myself and her. I know all of these temptations are "normal" for most men, and I think that is true for myself and my natural disposition for curvaceous delights. However, I do wonder how much my brain is still somewhat fucked from all this shit, even past 600 days porn free. And since I overthink things, well, I'm over thinking it...

It's crazy, my girlfriend is so beautiful and our sex life is great and more frequent than most couples I know, however, I still find myself thinking two thoughts. The first being, I can't believe she is the only woman I've seen naked over these last 600 days (besides figure drawing models), and secondly, I can't believe I won't SEE or BE with another woman for the rest of my life. I think the former thought is still my porn pathways fucking me up and giving me one hellish last firefight, the latter however is probably me being just a man and will always be that way. Then I ask myself, well, what should you do then, break up with your current lady and have some fun while you still can? But I'm too old to be chasing women like I'm in my twenties, and hell, I don't think I would recommend that for anyone, life is more important than chasing women. So then I think to myself, okay, so if I don't chase women and just pick another one, well fuck, I'll still just end up with only ONE woman!

Will this madness ever end? Will I ever be content? Is monogamy just not my thing? What am I even searching for in these thoughts? I do not truthfully know the answers, I'm just putting them here because it feels good.

And following that train of thought, sometimes I think, well, is there something "missing" in my current partner that I can't put my finger on, and THAT makes me think about other women more than I should? Thus, should I break up with her and find something better for me? However, then this thought (fear?) overcomes me, and I find myself thinking, am I still too close to ground zero to even know that answer truthfully? How can I make a good and logical decision when my porn demon still gives me shit sometimes?

Just random thoughts for today. But now it's time to get back to work.

Either way, porn is not an option, cheating is not an option, and perhaps, overthinking should not be an option either.

You all have a good Tuesday, and fuck fuck fuck porn!
 
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Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
It's my understanding that Coolidge Effect impulses (cravings for sexual novelty) get stronger the more you "fertilize" your mate. That is, sexual satiety speeds habituation. That's why the Taoists said, "leave the table while you still have an appetite."

If right, this is very annoying.:oops:
 

swimmer97

Active Member
Thanks for sharing your thoughts brother.

First of all Gratz on the -5lbs. Big W.

Regarding the fear of spending the rest of your life with that one person -> Live your Life without these worries, if one day its really over and a new beginning is needed, you will realize it and you can move on.

From a sexual point we are talking about this coolidge effect thing that androg mentioned i think. Most normal thing on the planet. Nature wants us to spread our genes. What is better than spreading our genes to 1 female? Right...
 

cookiemonster

Active Member
Interesting thoughts Blondie. Good to not let your overthinking mess things up for the time being, you'll figure it out. Like you say, porn is not an option and the rest of things which will also blow stuff up are not an option either.
It's my understanding that Coolidge Effect impulses (cravings for sexual novelty) get stronger the more you "fertilize" your mate. That is, sexual satiety speeds habituation. That's why the Taoists said, "leave the table while you still have an appetite."

If right, this is very annoying.:oops:
I myself am still looking for a mate to "fertilize" haahha.
 

WinkTinkTillium

Active Member
However, I do wonder how much my brain is still somewhat fucked from all this shit, even past 600 days porn free
A thought came to mind in regards to this whole section of your above post (I only quoted a small part). It made me think of the one Addiction i have successfully beaten. Smoking. I have been smoke free for 2 year 5 months 10 days, and it took me the better part of 5 years probably actively trying to Quit. We know addictions are not easy. But the why i am bringing this up. So many times, randomly, for zero reason, i still say wow i could go for a smoke right now or i day dream about it, the taste, the smell (even though i know its not pleasant, its weird thing to explain if you havent smoked), the false sense of chemically induced altered peace/stress relief etc.

It happened to me this morning after i got done with an amazing work out, i was walking to my car and for some weird reason my brain said I could go for a smoke right now. Now I didnt and i wont but it was so very odd to me. I think it was because one of the patterned behaviors i had as a smoker was the first smoke of the day, crisp cool morning air, peace, etc etc. This morning it was nice and cool out but not too cold and i felt at peace and happy. So really was that all it took to have a addictive flash back from some deep pocket of my brain? I think so, only thing i can come up with after reflecting on it. No other triggers were present, it was just really old no longer valid habit.

It was easy though for me to not to, i wasn't going to guy buy smokes or etc. I just laughed at myself and just moved on and told myself No. That's the old me, its not needed, i laughed because i know that was just prior addiction speaking. I do that each time i get that weird old mental craving. However it took a long time for me to build up the fortitude and time away from that type of stimulus (smoking) to be able to without a doubt just move on and away from it.

One day i will be able to do the same against Porn etc

So i can only imagine that this horrible Porn addiction and brain chemistry altering state that many of us have found ourselves in will have that same reality. It will at time for no reason what so ever lash out and challenge us in every way horribly imaginable, even if we are doing incredibly well. I hadnt thought of that aspect of it until you shared the above. No reason it wont if the brain does that for another addiction. I hope that each of us one day truly beats this and get relief from what can or could be a daily struggle. I know now to not expect it to be any different than my past smoking addiction. That we beat it by building up the fortitude and habitual change to always find a way to stay away/say no/laugh at/move forward from it. That is what beating it will truly be.

I dont think your brain is still pretty fucked up. I think you have focused on healing for an amazing period of time. From other things that you have shared you are able to have a successful relationship and find a lot of success even though it still comes with challenges. I want to send you a long range virtual high five for being able in that moment to not give in to the darkness that this addiction is. To reflect and to open up about how this still makes you think and feel.

I think that its just part of the monster that is Addiction
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 605

It's my understanding that Coolidge Effect impulses (cravings for sexual novelty) get stronger the more you "fertilize" your mate. That is, sexual satiety speeds habituation. That's why the Taoists said, "leave the table while you still have an appetite."

If right, this is very annoying.:oops:
Hey @Androg, yes I assume that is a probably some of it. And while I agree with that to some extent, personally, when we've refrained from sex for whatever reasons over the years, I often felt the relationship lost much of its passion leaving me feeling quite apathetic about the whole thing. However, on the flip side, refraining from orgasm during sex obviously increased it very much, however, then I wanted to bend down everything I saw out in the wild, which is where I'm at now. So yes, fucked if you do, fucked if you don't! :cool:
Thanks for sharing your thoughts brother.

First of all Gratz on the -5lbs. Big W.

Regarding the fear of spending the rest of your life with that one person -> Live your Life without these worries, if one day its really over and a new beginning is needed, you will realize it and you can move on.

From a sexual point we are talking about this coolidge effect thing that androg mentioned i think. Most normal thing on the planet. Nature wants us to spread our genes. What is better than spreading our genes to 1 female? Right...
Hey @swimmer97, thanks for this!

I like what you said about not being afraid about spending my whole lifetime with her, and just living in the moment and going from there. That's something I need to work on for sure!
Nature wants us to spread our genes. What is better than spreading our genes to 1 female? Right...
Exactly! It sounds really boring to be truthful, and unfortunately, I'm feeling bored right now, but that's okay, anything is better than porn or cheating. However, last night was delightful. My cock is so big and hard these days, I literally wasn't sure if it was going to fit! Miracles still happen it seems. :cool:

Best brother

Speaking as someone who has been single and lonely for many years, I would give my left nut to have a relationship like yours. Hold on to what you have, Blondie.
Hey @TryingHarder, thank you for this. Yes, I'm very aware how great she is, thanks for this reminder though, I needed that. It's definitely true, life is more than just "another" notch on the old bedpost, and we've been through so much together.

Have you ever tried the whole online dating thing? It was never my cup of tea but it seems to have worked for many others, so who knows, it might work for you. Loneliness is no fun, I've been there.

Best brother!
Interesting thoughts Blondie. Good to not let your overthinking mess things up for the time being, you'll figure it out. Like you say, porn is not an option and the rest of things which will also blow stuff up are not an option either.
Thanks @cookiemonster, I will try to not overthink today, no promises though, it's what I do best it seems. It's a great skill to have when it comes to school and things, but matters of the heart, not so much.
I myself am still looking for a mate to "fertilize" haahha.
Godspeed my son, it truly is the greatest thing, but of course I would say that!;) Actually, there's many other things just as good, like conquering your goals etc., but as far as pure unrefined pleasure goes, nothing beats it.

A thought came to mind in regards to this whole section of your above post (I only quoted a small part). It made me think of the one Addiction i have successfully beaten. Smoking. I have been smoke free for 2 year 5 months 10 days, and it took me the better part of 5 years probably actively trying to Quit. We know addictions are not easy. But the why i am bringing this up. So many times, randomly, for zero reason, i still say wow i could go for a smoke right now or i day dream about it, the taste, the smell (even though i know its not pleasant, its weird thing to explain if you havent smoked), the false sense of chemically induced altered peace/stress relief etc.

It happened to me this morning after i got done with an amazing work out, i was walking to my car and for some weird reason my brain said I could go for a smoke right now. Now I didnt and i wont but it was so very odd to me. I think it was because one of the patterned behaviors i had as a smoker was the first smoke of the day, crisp cool morning air, peace, etc etc. This morning it was nice and cool out but not too cold and i felt at peace and happy. So really was that all it took to have a addictive flash back from some deep pocket of my brain? I think so, only thing i can come up with after reflecting on it. No other triggers were present, it was just really old no longer valid habit.

It was easy though for me to not to, i wasn't going to guy buy smokes or etc. I just laughed at myself and just moved on and told myself No. That's the old me, its not needed, i laughed because i know that was just prior addiction speaking. I do that each time i get that weird old mental craving. However it took a long time for me to build up the fortitude and time away from that type of stimulus (smoking) to be able to without a doubt just move on and away from it.

One day i will be able to do the same against Porn etc

So i can only imagine that this horrible Porn addiction and brain chemistry altering state that many of us have found ourselves in will have that same reality. It will at time for no reason what so ever lash out and challenge us in every way horribly imaginable, even if we are doing incredibly well. I hadnt thought of that aspect of it until you shared the above. No reason it wont if the brain does that for another addiction. I hope that each of us one day truly beats this and get relief from what can or could be a daily struggle. I know now to not expect it to be any different than my past smoking addiction. That we beat it by building up the fortitude and habitual change to always find a way to stay away/say no/laugh at/move forward from it. That is what beating it will truly be.

I dont think your brain is still pretty fucked up. I think you have focused on healing for an amazing period of time. From other things that you have shared you are able to have a successful relationship and find a lot of success even though it still comes with challenges. I want to send you a long range virtual high five for being able in that moment to not give in to the darkness that this addiction is. To reflect and to open up about how this still makes you think and feel.

I think that its just part of the monster that is Addiction
Thank you for this @WinkTinkTillium, it made my day yesterday.

You're absolutely right, we've been doing this shit for decades unfortunately, and it's probably a little naïve to think just 600 days will make it all go away in an instant. Although my mind is considerably better these days, I still get those crazy ass moments where I'm thinking can this really be happening still? Thanks for the encouragement, and congrats on being free from smoking. I've heard that can be a real bitch to quit! Totally bad ass.
I want to send you a long range virtual high five
I'm thinking the same for you brother. Digital man hug coming your way.

Best all
 

Blondie

Respected Member
I saw this chart a few days ago on an article that @Androg shared with someone, and boy is it the truth. If someone would have shown me this in my early 20s I would have laughed in their face, but now, having lived for 40 years on this rock called earth, it has proven to be utterly true in my own empirical experience. Now I'm laughing, but for other reasons.

Hypergamy.jpg
index.php

Women, for very biological reasons, want the best man their genes and looks can get them, and this makes total sense if you think about it from a historical perspective, either religious or evolutionary. Us men will pretty much go much lower on the scale to satisfy our sexual and relationship needs, and although the best of us will discriminate to some extent, even that is questionable if giving the right opportunity and relationship availability.

Furthermore, I can honestly say I have more options with the fairer sex at 40 than I did when I was in my early 20s. Why? Because I've been working on myself over these last ten years, and especially the last five. The better man you become, in every sense of the term, the better woman you will be able to attract. Now I'm no Brad Pitt in the look's department, trust me on that, and right now, I'm practically broke as fuck and in school again, however, my future is looking strong and I'm passionate about what I'm doing, and women seem to be noticing this, and why not, it's simply in their nature to do so. Naturally, working on yourself will cause "other problems" like the temptations I've mentioned recently in my own life, but hey, what's life without having to learn how to cope with new situations and realities?

None of this is rocket science, but it's something for all you guys to be aware of. Don't think if you're not married by some certain culturally defined number or age that you're out of the dating game or a total loser, because it's simply not true. Work on yourself, get over your porn habit, know what you want, and you will attract women into your life. Maybe not porn star "quality", but who the fuck wants that? I know I don't! We all make this way harder than it has to be.

Best all.
 
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Blondie

Respected Member
Even when you don't have sex, can you engage in affectionate touch for a few minutes every day? That should keep things alive...without leaving you aching for novelty from too much...action.
Interesting, I feel we're already doing that, because we're always cuddling on the couch or in bed. Personally, I like to cuddle and think it's fun and rewarding. She even says I'm quite the cuddler! Not that I'm going to become a professional cuddler or anything. :cool:
 
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SmokenMirrors

Well-Known Member
life is more important than chasing women.
Louder for the guys in the back!

I saw this chart a few days ago on an article that @Androg shared with someone, and boy is it the truth. If someone would have shown me this in my early 20s I would have laughed in their face, but now, having lived for 40 years on this rock called earth, it has proven to be utterly true in my own empirical experience. Now I'm laughing, but for other reasons.

View attachment 1076
index.php

Women, for very biological reasons, want the best man their genes and looks can get them, and this makes total sense if you think about it from a historical perspective, either religious or evolutionary. Us men will pretty much go much lower on the scale to satisfy our sexual and relationship needs, and although the best of us will discriminate to some extent, even that is questionable if giving the right opportunity and relationship availability.

Furthermore, I can honestly say I have more options with the fairer sex at 40 than I did when I was in my early 20s. Why? Because I've been working on myself over these last ten years, and especially the last five. The better man you become, in every sense of the term, the better woman you will be able to attract. Now I'm no Brad Pitt in the look's department, trust me on that, and right now, I'm practically broke as fuck and in school again, however, my future is looking strong and I'm passionate about what I'm doing, and women seem to be noticing this, and why not, it's simply in their nature to do so. Naturally, working on yourself will cause "other problems" like the temptations I've mentioned recently in my own life, but hey, what's life without having to learn how to cope with new situations and realities?

None of this is rocket science, but it's something for all you guys to be aware of. Don't think if you're not married by some certain culturally defined number or age that you're out of the dating game or a total loser, because it's simply not true. Work on yourself, get over your porn habit, know what you want, and you will attract women into your life. Maybe not porn star "quality", but who the fuck wants that? I know I don't! We all make this way harder than it has to be.

Best all.
This is so true! You think that women have all the opportunity until you become a high value man. Self improvement is the king
 

First_step_thousand_miles

Well-Known Member
Day 603

Good news: I've lost about 5 lb. over this last week with my dieting plan. This might be a little too extreme though so I'm going to tone it down a little, I don't want to lose that 1 1/2 pounds of muscle I gained over the spring. ;) However, this morning my pants fit just a little better and that made me very happy. I know my horse will thank me! 🐎

Fuck yeah man. IMO I'd prioritize the fat loss over muscle gain until you get to levels you're comfortable with and then tilt that balance towards muscle loss. Great stuff

Bad news: I think my mind is still pretty fucked on porn. I still get these moments of sexual noise in my head where I want to act out, that is, in the real world, thus, I have to restrain myself and reel it in, especially in my thought patterns. I think it's fair to say I'm a pretty virile man and I've always loved the ladies. To be honest, porn has often been a way for me to negotiate my struggles with being monogamous during this relationship, or, so I told myself and her. I know all of these temptations are "normal" for most men, and I think that is true for myself and my natural disposition for curvaceous delights. However, I do wonder how much my brain is still somewhat fucked from all this shit, even past 600 days porn free. And since I overthink things, well, I'm over thinking it...

It's crazy, my girlfriend is so beautiful and our sex life is great and more frequent than most couples I know, however, I still find myself thinking two thoughts. The first being, I can't believe she is the only woman I've seen naked over these last 600 days (besides figure drawing models), and secondly, I can't believe I won't SEE or BE with another woman for the rest of my life. I think the former thought is still my porn pathways fucking me up and giving me one hellish last firefight, the latter however is probably me being just a man and will always be that way. Then I ask myself, well, what should you do then, break up with your current lady and have some fun while you still can? But I'm too old to be chasing women like I'm in my twenties, and hell, I don't think I would recommend that for anyone, life is more important than chasing women. So then I think to myself, okay, so if I don't chase women and just pick another one, well fuck, I'll still just end up with only ONE woman!

Will this madness ever end? Will I ever be content? Is monogamy just not my thing? What am I even searching for in these thoughts? I do not truthfully know the answers, I'm just putting them here because it feels good.

And following that train of thought, sometimes I think, well, is there something "missing" in my current partner that I can't put my finger on, and THAT makes me think about other women more than I should? Thus, should I break up with her and find something better for me? However, then this thought (fear?) overcomes me, and I find myself thinking, am I still too close to ground zero to even know that answer truthfully? How can I make a good and logical decision when my porn demon still gives me shit sometimes?

Just random thoughts for today. But now it's time to get back to work.

Either way, porn is not an option, cheating is not an option, and perhaps, overthinking should not be an option either.

You all have a good Tuesday, and fuck fuck fuck porn!

Hang in there brother. I think that the idea of being with many women is appealing but really only to our 'monkey minds,' not for our souls. I'll give you an example -- Wilt Chamberlain, who slept with 20k+ women, said at the end of the day he'd rather have just had 1 he really cared about. Hedonism in any context feeds our near-term desires, but it doesn't nourish the soul long-term. It won't lead to contentment when you're old & grey. As men we're definitely a bit more wired to be with more woman, but I can honestly say without a shadow of a doubt, I've never seen someone who leads the lifestyle of constantly sleeping with new women (vs. committing to 1) that is happy or that has ended up happy.

Chasing women has at the end of the day never really brought me any kind of LT joy, what has brought me joy is starting something small & potentially special with a girl I feel a deep emotional connection with. Is your lady someone you deeply connect to emotionally? Might not be a one woman vs many woman debate but rather the right woman? I also wouldn't go crazy over this as everyone has the 'grass is greener' thoughts, and what you are looking for might just be right in front of you. Not sure how helpful all this is but just my thoughts. DM me anytime
 

First_step_thousand_miles

Well-Known Member
Louder for the guys in the back!


This is so true! You think that women have all the opportunity until you become a high value man. Self improvement is the king
Self-improvement is THE key for sure. If you want a woman in the top 20% (I'm not just talking looks, but rather overall quality -- rather I've found that a girl who's numerically a 9 or 10 in the real world is usually messed up in the head from the way the world has treated them), then YOU need to make yourself a man in the same level. Could be money, could be putting on mass, could be having a great personality, etc -- unless you're 5"0, there's hope
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Day 605


Hey @Androg, yes I assume that is a probably some of it. And while I agree with that to some extent, personally, when we've refrained from sex for whatever reasons over the years, I often felt the relationship lost much of its passion leaving me feeling quite apathetic about the whole thing. However, on the flip side, refraining from orgasm during sex obviously increased it very much, however, then I wanted to bend down everything I saw out in the wild, which is where I'm at now. So yes, fucked if you do, fucked if you don't! :cool:
Did I read elsewhere that you're a David Deida fan? Does he recommend reducing ejaculation, or am I remembering incorrectly? Have you experimented with that?
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Did I read elsewhere that you're a David Deida fan? Does he recommend reducing ejaculation, or am I remembering incorrectly? Have you experimented with that?
Hey @Androg, yes I do like David Deida's book, and he does mention that. I have experimented with semen retention during sex on several occasions, the last one during this last spring. I can't remember how long I lasted, maybe 30 days? I'm too lazy to look. It was fantastic and our sex life was really passionate, but it usually is to be honest, it was just in a different way. However, on the flipside, I found myself "flirting" with women without even thinking about it, and my monogamous difficulties were heightened, especially after attracting a particular women at school that I could have only dreamed of getting when I was in my 20s. I wasn't 100% sure of her attraction, but I've been around the block enough to know these things on an intuitive level, and her attraction was obvious to me. I seem to do this pattern often because it's happened quite a few times in my 30s: I accidently attract a woman while in my relationship, then I wish I could go further but I can't, so I go home and lament my situation and usually turn to porn to let off my frustrations. This situation was the hardest one because I actually had a real crush on this woman, besides just her looks, probably because I'm not looking at porn anymore and can actually see someone's personality. I'm just glad I didn't turn to porn like I use to, or worse, act out, though I don't think I ever would to be honest. I guess I could "open up" my relationship (not that she would do that!), but that shit just seems too wired and "progressive" for my tastes.

Maybe I should become my own version of Leonardo DiCaprio, and just break up with a woman every two years or so, that way I can be "monogamous" without being Monogamous. I'm being facetious here, or maybe not. :cool:

Cheers to monogamy.jpg
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Our mating neurochemistry is a real slave-driver.
Indeed it is.
That said, I bet DiCaprio would prefer to stay in love with one partner contentedly.
Yeah who knows, maybe he likes the variety (who wouldn't!), or maybe he hasn't found "the one" yet, whatever that means. I've never been one to presume what anyone might wish for love, it's all pretty different for each of us. I think it's hard to judge a phenomena like that when considering none of us have those options like he does. Furthermore, it's hard to say what we "would do" or someone "should" do, when we've never been put in those situations and opportunities. It kind goes back to that post I wrote a few months back, about how porn for most of us is "living" the life that most of us could never live, thus, only a fantasy and NOT real cheating. I don't personally care about DiCaprio, nor any actor's personal life, but I do like that he gives zero shits about all the "regulars" bitching about his dating life. As long as he's not abusing or treating any of them with harm or disrespect (which I've never heard he has) the man can do what he wants, it's no one's business. And hell, by this point, all his girlfriends know what they're getting into, but they willing do it anyway, see the chart above! :cool: And what a glamorous life they live for two years, it's a hell of deal.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Fuck yeah man. IMO I'd prioritize the fat loss over muscle gain until you get to levels you're comfortable with and then tilt that balance towards muscle loss. Great stuff
Hey @First_step_thousand_miles, yes, that's my plan. I'm going to shoot for 15% body fat again, and hopefully not loose to much muscle in the process. I started bulking around 20%, which in hindsight was probably not the best idea. It is what it is.
Hang in there brother. I think that the idea of being with many women is appealing but really only to our 'monkey minds,' not for our souls. I'll give you an example -- Wilt Chamberlain, who slept with 20k+ women, said at the end of the day he'd rather have just had 1 he really cared about.
Thanks for this, and you're right about that. I don't think my temptations are to fuck everything I see (certainly not these days), just more to experience new things with new people. How many more, I don't really care for or ever have for that matter, besides, bros who talk about their "numbers" are the worst. I definitely agree with the soul aspect you mention, it is a beautiful thing to connect with someone on a deep and emotional level. I've heard that Walt Chamberlain number before, fucking insane! Who the hell would count that or even know after 50 or 100, much less say it publicly? That's definitely NOT what I want to be.
Hedonism in any context feeds our near-term desires, but it doesn't nourish the soul long-term.
Wonderful.
As men we're definitely a bit more wired to be with more woman, but I can honestly say without a shadow of a doubt, I've never seen someone who leads the lifestyle of constantly sleeping with new women (vs. committing to 1) that is happy or that has ended up happy.
Same here, it's never a pretty sight.
Might not be a one woman vs many woman debate but rather the right woman?
This might be more of my "dilemma", but with my mind being the way it is, especially with this new phase of sexual noise over the last week hitting me surprisingly hard, I don't think I can honestly know at the moment if I can figure this out right now. It seems I'm not fully recovered yet.
and what you are looking for might just be right in front of you.
This might be very true my friend, it seems time will tell. I don't know if I'm waiting for my brain to be utterly clear from this filth, or if I'm just waiting to "figure this out" and what to do with that decision, probably both. Of course, option three could be I'm just a fucking coward. :cool: I feel I'm in quite the predicament at the moment, but one of my own making as usual. How I navigate the next while will be the defying moment of my recovery.

God damn! I wish I never looked at that shit. I think it's fucked me up more than even I want to admit. But as @Ezel says, there's no returning now, forward is the only option. The boats have been burned to the ground!

Best brother
 
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