Still sad today, but I’m doing better in a way, I think.
I cried again this afternoon, but it felt like the right thing to do, because it was about something concrete.
These past few days I feel more strongly than ever that I want to leave rumination behind. My recent hardship has taught me that I must. If I don’t, it really will destroy me. When these dark thoughts come to me, large or small, I must become able to just let them go, however real they might feel in the moment.
It also has me thinking about how much my compulsive behavior has robbed from me. It’s taken so much. There may be forces in my life that have taken more, but nothing has made me feel so consistently hollow, empty and pointless as this addiction. It is an awful disease.
I’m aware more than ever lately of my mortality, how time has passed me by, and how individual chances to connect with others are ephemeral and fleeting things. I want to fill what I have left with connection and love, because those are what can make my time precious to me. I will not let addiction take any more of those chances away.
To apply this contemplative mood to something specific, I will start with no MO today, tomorrow, or the next day.