See them grow up

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
28th today, right? All stable and calm. No P withdrawal symptoms at the moment. Not really any libido at all, which is something I'll hopefully remedy in a healthy way in time. Can't help but worry that there's a lot of Coolidge Effect at play here. Nearly 30 years with just one partner. Perhaps it's asking too much to expect that relationship to be a big source of dopamine as well as Oxytocin. Hope I'm wrong.
 

fyg

Well-Known Member
Glad to read that all is stable and calm workinprogressUK. I have no experience of long term relationships. For my part, I often worry if things are going to work out (like in my therapy) for the best; I think it's completely normal - there is risk involved, but also nothing to lose in trying and only things to gain - that's my humble opinion.

Keep going man! :)

Thumbs up!
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Grrrr..... gnarly morning today. Work stress and strain had me triggering at things I haven't triggered at for a while. Things I didn't want to look at came repeatedly into centre view. Reminiscence from my friendly chimp that P offered a pleasant, blissed-out, alternative to all the work bullshit. Glad that I've built up enough "clean time" for the neural pathways to P to be weaker than they used to be. Glad too to have an outlet here. I think I'm through it. Grateful for another day clean. Will not be complacent.
 

Abc

Active Member
hang in there workinprogressUK you got this ! Its just a little test and you got this ! Have a great rest of your day.
 

MioSr

Member
WIP, big kudos for getting through that white water. SO hear you on those moments. Someone once told me that when you're trying to change something, ALL you see is that thing and it feels like it's everywhere. I do believe that in time, these cravings and urges toward the false promises of P will lessen in severity.

You're doing it. Way to go!
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Thanks for your support, guys. It's really appreciated. And I think you're right, MioSr, about the things we want to change seemingly popping up everywhere  :-\!
I don't prioitise counting days, but I think I'm 80 P&M free now. Not sure that matters, but staying P&M-free today matters to me a great deal. I'm very flat and detached emotionally at the moment. No heat in my system. Can't get excited, passionate or emotional about anything. I guess it's just a case of "shit stinks". My system had far too much "heat" in it, and a hard reboot is all about extinguishing the flame, rather than just turning the thermostat down a notch. I'll fix.
 

Firstbigstep

Active Member
Just a quick note of encouragement - life can get a bit flat and ordinary after hyping one's system with porn induced dopamine for so long. I think we all had our systems wound up to the point where our sensitively is out of whack with the day to day stimuli of day to day life.

Stick at it - you're doing great.
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Thanks for the encouraging words, gentlemen.

I remember speaking to some recovering S addicts after residential group therapy I went through. One of our group asked "isn't life a little boring"? And the two guys said "in order to stay clean, I'm happy to accept boring over lies, fear and shame". My system was running pretty hot, so "ordinary" works for me! I really do need to work on those "life goals" though, so that I have something positive to get excited about. I know that's so important for longer-term success. When I've worked on them in the past, they've been really helpful, but they've always included physical and active goals, which are a little difficult right now given that I'm only just off my crutches. No more prevaricating on that though.... will get that done today.

Struggling with resentment today and still have a bloody awful lack of focus. Need to manage my obligations so that I can be a bit more assertive about the things I want to focus on.

Strength to you all today, guys. And thanks again for reading.
 

MarstonS

Member
Hey man, wanted to stop by your journal. I notice a lot of similarities.

Keep going, even when the stong inspiration lacks, the future will be much much brighter without that porn beast on our shoulders.
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Trying to surf an enjoyable weekend wave as far as possible up the beach of Monday misery. Enjoyed S with my wife and especially enjoyed being able to stay present, in the here-and-now, and really enjoy being in that moment. Only the second O since I rebooted. Both healthy. Gives me confidence for the fight ahead. I know that it reassures my wife too. I respect that her trust in me is relatively low, and the flatline behaviours I evidence in reboot bear many of the same characteristics of my behaviour in addict mode; emotional detachment, low libido, not looking after my appearance. I can see sometimes that she's looking at me suspiciously and I know that she worries about how secure she is in our relationship and whether I'm acting out again. It gives us both a lift in so many ways to be physically and emotionally intimate. That's the lesson to myself today; can't afford to get too introverted and selfish in relation to my recovery. Can't be self-conscious about showing her affection.

Could write a bunch more waffle but this strikes me as a good place to finish and go and reflect on a couple of things. Wishing you a successful day!
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Wednesday. Glad of the opportunity to log-in and feel connected to kindred spirits. I've felt very tempted this morning by P. Maybe January's fear of relapse and terror of being found out has faded a little? Bunch of Cognitive Distortion this morning, with my brain whispering that "it's only a little bit of P" and somehow "I've deserved a break".
So I need to use the tactics I've learned and RUN. Once I post this, I'll log-off, Remove myself and go feed my hens (not a euphemism  :D). I'll Undistort my thinking, because there's no such thing for me as a little bit of P and if I've deserved a break, there are other ways. And I'm Never going to Forget how much damage P has done to me over the years. I'm not going back out there. Thanks for being here. Wishing you success in your own fight today.
 

fyg

Well-Known Member
Hi WIP,

Sending you positive vibes wherever you're at today. I just read your backstory and a some of your posts. Your formative years sound very much like mine, as to creating neural pathways that relied on fantasy due probably to low self-esteem. My porn use did escalate back when I used to browse for many hours every day, but it didn't really go to really extreme stuff on the whole. Anyways...

I'm all about increasing self-esteem nowadays... so I'm on the same page as you there man.

Thanks for a positive post even though you have challenges today. Wishing you a good day.
 

Firstbigstep

Active Member
Hi guys.

Off grid for a while but still kinda hanging in.

I think many of us had self esteem isdues early in our lives.  I'm still battling mine now. Good to know I'm not alone.

Thanks everyone.
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Tuesday morning. I think this is 90 days P&M free. Never set myself that target but I guess it's worth mentioning. Pleased to be clean today. Mind is messing with me. I feel very anxious and insecure. I've enjoyed what appear to be successes at work, but I just can't process them that way. Need to find some time to identify a positive lens through which to view things. Seems like the more I succeed, the more I want to destroy the success. Why am I more comfortable thinking of myself as a loser? Because I don't feel like I merit success. I've come to think that it's one of the worst forms of arrogance to set targets for myself that I'd never dream of setting for the people who work with me and for me. Maybe it's the case that if I knock myself down first, nobody else gets the chance to destroy me? When does self-effacing become self destruction? 90 days in, and with the benefit of nearly 4 years in recovery, there's still a big part of my brain that would be happy dropping back out into sex addiction and porn. That's a tough pill to swallow. Got to find a path to the positive. Onward and upward. Good luck to you today.
 

fyg

Well-Known Member
I think lots of us can relate to the negative slant we put on good things. I think it's partly an addiction we have to negative thinking, via neural pathways. So, hopefully, we can be easy on ourselves when these thoughts appear - maybe understand why, and laugh a little, if not at the time, maybe a few hours later.

But! If you don't mind me saying, 90 days and all the positive change you mention, from where I'm standing looks and sounds amazing!! Keep going man, you're totally on it!! (even if you don't totally feel it - they say something like "it takes the brain/ourselves some time to catch up to the positive change we have implemented into our lives"!! Like, it will feel incongruent for a while as we're not used to it, like choppy waters at sea, and then balance will restore, and the sea will be calm. Then it might get choppy again ;) ). Onwards and upwards. And thanks on the good luck :)
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Really appreciate your support, FYG. Thank you for that. Hopefully my brain's just taking a little time to get used to the changes and I'll be in a better place soon.

Fantasy and masturbation were originally a refuge I went to when I was confronted by things I couldn't cope with. That developed to compulsive levels, as my neurals became conditioned to the constant dopamine, and then escalated into more extreme behaviours, as my brain became de-sensitised to the "softer" stuff. So now I'm in recovery and I won't allow myself to go back to porn and all that went with it, but there are still plenty of everyday things that I struggle to cope with. Meaning that until I can find a way to deal with these issues, and develop healthy coping strategies, I'm going to continue to feel anxious, insecure and generally shitty, because I've denied myself the old self-soothing route. After a long time in therapy and a lot of self study, I know what some of those unresolved issues are.... but I'm a million miles away from resolving them. Which leads me back to being "clean" but bloody miserable.

Don't get me wrong, that's a hell of a lot better place than "dirty" and bloody miserable, which is where I was when I was acting out  :). I think I'll start to see an improved mental state when I'm further into my knee rehab too, and I can get back to travelling with work and exercising properly. For now, I'm grateful to be able to vent my frustrations here and to enjoy another day sane.

 

Abc

Active Member
workinprogressUK, Congrats on your progress and sorry to here your clean and miserable. I do know what that's like, I was a really bad cocaine addict for many years and I went through the same thing once I was clean. At about a year clean I was seeing things a lot clearer and was truly seeing all the damage I had done and all I had lost. In my head I was like Dude you might as well get high because your life sucks you lost everything and no one cares anymore so you can get high and forget about all this crap. I think its just we are thinking without our drug of chose clouding or judgement and also mixed in with out addicted brains still trying to get there fix. I can tell you it gets better my friend so dont give in and lose all you have worked for up to now. My mother and father made me see a therapist and he really helped me to see the light and appreciate where I am at. I am so glad they insisted I go because I never would have went on my own. And you are right it will help when you are back up and moving around and can keep your head busy too. Hang in there buddy and stay strong.
 

fyg

Well-Known Member
Most welcome WIP  8). I'm sorry you're miserable too. I dunno whether this helps, but lately, a sense of humour has been returning for me - I think, as I've been feeling shit too, and I think that if you allow yourself to feel these feelings without escaping too much, you start to find natural coping mechanisms again. My refuges are/were similar to yours. Abc's words of realising the damage that had been done in his life are starting to become clear for me just lately too (also read similar in Lyon's journal last night)... I'm sure it will become clearer still...boy o boy!

I dunno, but I think there is a balance between looking deeply at these things like we're doing and being positive also :) That's the path I'm gonna try and tread. Anyway some days I have less to say than others, and today's one of 'em. Abc has your back covered saying things will get better, I think it's always great to have support from somebody who has been there and come out the other side.

Good vibes to you, man!
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Very solid weekend, followed by a Monday morning wobble. That's become an established pattern and I wonder if it's one that other "recoverers" experience? I logged-in to my newspaper at the office and found myself tempted by some articles that were definitely in a "grey area" that I'd be wiser to move past. Because as I read in "Bob's" journal earlier, allowing myself to look at something even vaguely off-message, especially on a monday morning, or at another time when my resolve is weak, just amps-up the withdrawal pain and the temptation. And then I have to waste a lot of energy resisting the temptation, rather than just getting on with a positive day. So I think I may have to try to avoid catching up on The Guardian until after lunches. I'm not a fan of UFC as a sport, but I read an interview with their commentator "Joe Rogan" a few weeks ago in a weight training magazine and he said something like "I focus first on delivering my obligations, because once I've done that, I can go about the rest of my life free of guilt and anxiety", and I like that message. I'm a natural prevaricator, so it really helps me to get my obligations dealt with first, and then I can do other stuff without feeling like a loser.

Anyway, to conclude this little ramble, I shut down The Guardian's "Culture" page, resisted The Chimp telling me to go look for some juicier morsels, and came on here to get my head straight. Really helped, especially clicking through to a blog suggested by one of the Mods, Gracie, which had some great stuff in it.

In other news, in line with my efforts to make my non-P life more stimulating and challenging, I've signed-up for Mandarin lessons. Part of "The Life Wheel" approach to achieving balance that I founs so helpful as part of The Hall Recovery Course.

Right! Onwards an Upwards. I have a day to conquer  ;D
 
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