I'm 22, I hate porn and I still watch it. I need help

I'm 22, I hate porn, I hate masturbating, and yet I've been watching it and doing it for over three years now.
I love running, I love writing, I'm in university and I just started dating the girl of my dreams. And I'm scared. I'm scared of losing all of this for a few minutes of selfish, stupid, sterile pleasure.

Since covid started, I began to think that I might have become an addict, and since then I've been trying to reboot, without actually being very conscious about it. That is probably one of the reasons I keep on falling... that I don't consciously accept I'm an addict and that I need help.
Last night was what got me into trying these forums. I'm reading Gary Wilson's book, I've been writing papers at university on pornography awereness to raise an alarm and fight this issue, but then I have nights like yesterday: Non-stop porn watching and masturbating from 3am to 6am. I'm exhausted right now obviously. And I'm sad, and I'm scared, and I want to finish with this.

There is a quote that goes like this: "You remember what you want to forget, and you forget what you want to remeber" Right now, this is my reality. I remeber all the crap I watched over night, but I can't remember my girl's laugh, or her face, or her sweet beautiful voice. And that hurts, that burns, that stings.
I don't want this. But I can't fight alone.

I would love to talk.
Thanks for taking your time to read this.

Andrew Wiggin
 

smeagle44

Member
I feel for you brother. I've been in your shoes before and I know how fucking hard it is. Keep on fighting -- it's worth it. Don't be afraid to reach out for help or seek a therapist or a 12-step support group.
 
Hey Andrew,

The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, and then telling people you have a problem. Who, if at all, have you told, besides us?

As always, we are here to support and come alongside you in your journey. Keep your head up. You can do this.

~RN
Hi,
Thank you so much.

My family does not know. At least that's what I think. I have not told them.

The only one who knows is a friend; he has the same problem.

I've considered telling my dad, but I haven't because I'm so ashamed and I'm scared he will be disappointed of me.

Thanks again. I'm better, and feel motivated by all this.

Andrew Wiggin
 
I feel for you brother. I've been in your shoes before and I know how fucking hard it is. Keep on fighting -- it's worth it. Don't be afraid to reach out for help or seek a therapist or a 12-step support group.
Thanks bro. It seems you have it more under control, and yes, it's so freaking hard! But not impossible.
As for now I think my longest time off has been two weeks and a half.
I started the count again today. 💪

I'm NEVER giving up.
Have a good night bigdwag24, and thanks again.

Andrew Wiggin
 

smeagle44

Member
Thanks bro. It seems you have it more under control, and yes, it's so freaking hard! But not impossible.
As for now I think my longest time off has been two weeks and a half.
I started the count again today. 💪

I'm NEVER giving up.
Have a good night bigdwag24, and thanks again.

Andrew Wiggin
No problem man. For me, my porn use was out of control for years. Out of sheer desperation, I took the hard step of telling my ultra-religious parents that I was addicted to porn. After that, I started seeing a therapist and going to a 12-step support group (SAA). It's still been a rocky road, but I'm a month clean now.

Don't make the same mistake I did and think you can beat this on your own. I made that mistake and spent a couple of years being clean for a week and then relapsing over and over again.
 
Day 3
I'm optimistc, enthusiastic and I have been fighting with bad habits that trigger me.
It was a good day. So far, clean and happy.
 
Back on day 2. Still fighting.

"Courage is not to have the strength to continue, but to continue even when you have no strength" Napoleon Bonaparte
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Hi, Andrew. Just checking on you. You are a wonderful person. Why? You recognize that there is a problem. How many 22 year olds do that? (Especially on this topic). My husband used. He started a long time ago. But one thing I learned in all my reading is that believing in yourself is important in recovery. Good for you for wanting to change before you have a relationship or marriage! I get the shame, my husband had that as well. That comes from the worry of what others will think. What matters is what you think. You can do this. Now that we are coming out of CoVid, reach out connect with friends. Perhaps, if your friend wants to stop you can contact each other during those tough times. And not talk about this but something else, do physical activity like laundry, cook, clean, pick up sticks something that will stop the hamster wheel. You are worth the change always remember that.
 
Hi, Andrew. Just checking on you. You are a wonderful person. Why? You recognize that there is a problem. How many 22 year olds do that? (Especially on this topic). My husband used. He started a long time ago. But one thing I learned in all my reading is that believing in yourself is important in recovery. Good for you for wanting to change before you have a relationship or marriage! I get the shame, my husband had that as well. That comes from the worry of what others will think. What matters is what you think. You can do this. Now that we are coming out of CoVid, reach out connect with friends. Perhaps, if your friend wants to stop you can contact each other during those tough times. And not talk about this but something else, do physical activity like laundry, cook, clean, pick up sticks something that will stop the hamster wheel. You are worth the change always remember that.
Hello Gracie,

I can't tell you how much your words mean to me. I stumbled upon them when I needed them the most. Thank you. I will take your advice on friends and physical activity, it's so true and helpful.

As you can see, I stayed away from the forum because I failed again around mid May and wasn't able to leave porn again until last Sunday.
As for now I'm on a four day streak. I must say that counting the days doesn't really seem to work with me; I guess it kinda feels like this overwhelming preassure hanging over me. I think it works better for me if I'm just conscious during the day that I must resist, but one day at a time. One day at a time.

I'm getting back to doing sport, which I had left because I had a very busy week of exams but then I just left it. I'm trying to form better eating habits, because the lack of sport, this awful vice and smoking have led me to be really messy with my daily schedule, and for instance I've been eating very little. I'm not a big dude; I'm 1,88cms tall and incredibly skinny in comparison. I weighted 68 kgs for almost 5 years straight, since freshman year in high school. Right now I'm in university and I weight 63kgs. I can't lie: I feel awful, my skin is tight around my bones and it hurts at times.

I guess that what I'm trying to say is that even with all these things against me -my weight, my smoking habit, my lack of sport, my addiction to movies, and worst of all, this porn thing I'm trying to get rid of- I know I'm full of potential, full of this incredible music that is pushing me from the inside to take flight and soar to heights I'd never dreamed of before.
And also, since I'm Catholic, I trust above all and before my own strenghts, in God and the Blessed Virgin Mary.

And on a more human level, what is really pushing me to become a better person is my girlfriend. I have not told her about my problem. It's just too shameful and embarassing, plus I think something like that could really mess up a relationship. Maybe it's easier when you are married or you have been in a longer relationship, because there is more trust; but on my case, we've only been together for 7 months, and I can't lose her. She lights up my days and more importantly, I love her. And I'm afraid this problem might push her away. I think if I start to be able to fight this better, there will be no need to tell her the horrible depths into which I've fallen. But I'm no psychologist and also I'm new to boy-girl relationships, so maybe I'm wrong. I don't know, so I'll just keep on fighting as I've been doing it.

Needless to say, I'm back, and I'm back with a lot of energy and optimism, for I know I will defeat this. I just need to be patient and strong.

Andrew Wiggin
 
So, I'm back and the day is not even over yet. But the thing is I'm back to day 0.

The fight is tough. I feel like I contradict myself so easily. It is hard at times to even believe what I say or write.

But like a poet once said:
"I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul
"

I do believe that; I believe that my will is stronger than my impulses.

I can't give up. That's not an option for me.

Please, pray for me.

Andrew Wiggin
 

Ziga4477

Member
Have you consider telling your girlfriend? I hate a similar problem when i was in a relationship. My problem was worrying about little things like "i have PE problem just because i had sex with only one girl" and i watched porn and have fucked up ideas in my head and thought sex is the most important thing in life. I kept quiet. I thought not taking would be better but i destroyed a relationship on a passive way, by not talking. And I KNOW SHE WOULD UNDERSTOOD. Relationship ended. I regret it every day still for the last 8 months. The thing i learned, it may sound like a cliche, but talk. Getting out feels good and it keeps you motivated. I ran away from my anxiety with porn and i knew that and still couldnt stop watching it. The bigger problem is that it has fucked up my brain, the way i see women, the way i experience sex, life - i have a feeling nobody will ever like me again. Anyway, just being here already makes you a better person remember that. Keep posting and writing about you feelings it helps. I remind myself everyday, this is not a thing with a finish line, its a new lifestyle, its a system i live by, not a short period i have to get through.

To keep it short. Talk. Try maybe with just an theme with your girl about porn, just to see where she stands. If she watches it maybe... if she loves you, she will help you, as long as you will fight and try. It could be very motivating.

btw, love to here someone writing essays about porn problem, it is a reason that its a billion dollar industry....

GOOD LUCK MY FRIEND!!!
 

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Hey Andrew,

If you want to stop, you will be able to stop. Educate yourself about the in and outs of this addiciton on yourbrainonporn.com
Read all you can find, especially success stories from others. They often do share good tips and new views and insights on how to manage cravings and other problems.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Hey,
Just do this one day at a time. When I discovered my husband was using, I would even use one day at a time. Sometimes an hour at a time. Do not view this as a two ton elephant! It is little steps over time that take you to your goal. But the most important thing is to keep taking steps! You are worth it! You are not a bad person. You recognized you have a problem. Keep going! You can do this!
 
Have you consider telling your girlfriend? I hate a similar problem when i was in a relationship. My problem was worrying about little things like "i have PE problem just because i had sex with only one girl" and i watched porn and have fucked up ideas in my head and thought sex is the most important thing in life. I kept quiet. I thought not taking would be better but i destroyed a relationship on a passive way, by not talking. And I KNOW SHE WOULD UNDERSTOOD. Relationship ended. I regret it every day still for the last 8 months. The thing i learned, it may sound like a cliche, but talk. Getting out feels good and it keeps you motivated. I ran away from my anxiety with porn and i knew that and still couldnt stop watching it. The bigger problem is that it has fucked up my brain, the way i see women, the way i experience sex, life - i have a feeling nobody will ever like me again. Anyway, just being here already makes you a better person remember that. Keep posting and writing about you feelings it helps. I remind myself everyday, this is not a thing with a finish line, its a new lifestyle, its a system i live by, not a short period i have to get through.

To keep it short. Talk. Try maybe with just an theme with your girl about porn, just to see where she stands. If she watches it maybe... if she loves you, she will help you, as long as you will fight and try. It could be very motivating.

btw, love to here someone writing essays about porn problem, it is a reason that its a billion dollar industry....

GOOD LUCK MY FRIEND!!!
Thank you Ziga4477,

What you say about how much porn destroys the way you see life is so true; how sex becomes like this shadow that looms over every activity. It's ugly, but it's something that can be turned around by giving sex it's proper place in our lives, and quitting porn is the excelent starting point.

Thank you for your words and your time.

Andrew
 
Hi,

So, today has been a good day. No cravings, no relapses. Although I did notice I went close to my triggers: Instagram, and just wasting time in YouTube. I realized I began to have this weird feeling in my stomach and I was like "I recognize that feeling. It's the aforegoing feeling I get before I start craving porn" So I stopped and went to do some excersise, and the feeling went away. I was a bit slow, though.
Next time I have to be more aware.

A. W.
 
Great day yesterday. I've been busy reading and preparing for exams. Small cravings here and there but I've been able to identify them and turn my attention elsewhere.

Still in the fight! 🙂
 
I don't know what to say, nor what to do, nor why I'm even here, writing.
I have not improved, on the contrary, its worse than ever. I make these huge purposes to amend my ways but it feels like I have messed up my mind and my body so much that when the cravings and the anxiety hit, I find no strength whatsoever. Sorry that I sound so depressed, but I just feel overwhelmed by all this.
I ended my relationship with the girl of my dreams a week ago; we had some problems but they were small problems that could be easily dealt with. But I ended it and told her that we just did not have a good chemistry and that I was going through serious personal issues.
I did not tell her what it was; I could not and did not want to. She was confused and sad, and I was broken.
Now I'm better, but I still am in the deep mud of this disgusting vice. I feel hopless but I KNOW there is ALWAYS hope.
I know that, it's just that sometimes it can be really hard.
Sorry for victimizing myself; I know that if I feel this awful is because of me alone.
I wrote this little poem for my girlfriend (well, ex now) a few days ago, and since I didn't send it to her, I want to share it with you, whoever you are, and ask you to think: Is it really worth it to lose sight of the beauty of this world and of this life, for some miserable and vain moments of sterile pleasure?

"I am cursed to see your face
in every airplane that crosses the blue
in every baby that plays with its lips
in every silly comment people make
in every silly face that people do
in every argument I lose
in every stubbornness I win.
When I said goodbye to you
I killed myself,
and I knew it
"

Stay strong!

A.W.
 
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canguro

Active Member
Hey man, very sorry to hear what you have to endure. This addiction is a fucking nightmare. You said you can't find strenght when the cravings come up. Maybe you could benefit from abstaining also from social media etc. In the book your brain on porn is explained, how porn weakens your willpower (can't find it at the moment), the same is with social media, netflix etc.
Cut these out of your life as far as possible while rebooting and try to find stuff to engage in, that strengthes your willpower. Sport, hobbies etc...
I really feel a big difference since rebooting, now when I have urges (they were pretty strong theast days) I have a heavy feeling of craving but I still remain in control and can laugh about my addicted brain trying to lure me. My therapist told me about these brain changes, too. And it makes sense. When you don't engage in things that need much willpower, you will eventually get lazy and weak mentally and only do things that need not much effort. And restisting urges needs a lot of willpower and therefor effort.

I know how hard it is, to get the strength to do these things when depressed, but it is possible. I hope you can benefit from this advice. =)
 
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