Artemus
Active Member
I had another journal I started a month or so ago, but I started it without any direction or focus, no theme. I want my journal to better reflect a different mind set and a different attitude. This journal is going to be a better representation of where I am now. I'm looking at a first goal of 40 days, not some white knuckle strength of will, but a peaceful and calm walk on the water. After that will come 80, 120, ... I know that RN recommends 90 days and I agree with that as a physiological resetting point as well, but doing 40 days for me as a first mile-marker I think is important as the bible sees it as a "time of testing". Replacing old habits with new habits, establishing routines and feeding my mind proper nourishment. No more, "Garbage in, garbage out", as it were. Let us begin this journey of a thousand miles by taking step #1. I already have a few days I've logged since my last tumble down fools hill and I'd attempted to begin a water fast prior to that but was interrupted, so to get things in sync(because I'm somewhat OCD) I'm resetting my counter to 000.
For those who never read my story I'll give a brief summary. I was introduced to porn magazines at age 8 by a neighborhood friend, began regular PMO at age 12 after getting cable tv. Continued in this pattern until age 17 where I met a girl who shared with me all her sexual experiences and I wrote them down as an erotic story I composed. At 18 I began renting adult VHS tapes. I met my future wife at age 22 and during this time things all but stopped. We got married when I was 25 and then in an effort to spice things up I introduced her to porn. This only lasted briefly and then for the next 3 years things were pretty quiet, we had a healthy and vigorous sex life during this time and life was good. Then in 1998 when I was 28, we got the internet and almost right away I began looking at porn again. During this time we were living a pretty stressful schedule. She was in college and working, I was working up to 3 jobs at times and I fell into the habit of using PMO as a stress reliever and a salve for boredom and loneliness. This habit carried on steady until 2004 at which time I read a book about a girl who was killed during the Columbine High School shooting entitled, "She said, Yes." I was home with the flu when I read it, I became so convicted over how'd I'd been living my own life that I dropped to my knees and begged God to forgive me for what I'd been doing. I told him to do whatever was needed to help me escape this habit that I knew was unacceptable to him and a sin.(1978-2004)
That week while I was still at home sick my boss called to tell me they'd sold the company and within 2 months I was out of a job I thought I might do for life. Because of my impulsive behavior while I was PMO'ing I had a tendency to rack up debt; cars, credit cards, a race car, etc. So when the floor fell out from our financial lives we had to sell everything, the house, my truck, my race car, our vast DVD collection(regular ones) and everything we could do without. We bought a smaller house, worked on paying down our debt and by the end of 2007 we were flush and then came september. The stock market went into free fall and jobs dried up. Unfortunately for us I had just purchased a new "used" truck to replace the beater I'd been driving while we paid off the debt and that turned out to be a mistake. That truck got really bad MPG's and we live in a rural area so you drive a ways to everything and suddenly gas was $4+ per gallon. Overnight it seemed the debt started pilling back on, only this time it was just to stay alive. My wife decided to go back to school only to find out halfway through she'd have to transfer to a different school. She applied to a new school closer to us, but they sent us a letter stating that her grades were perfect and she was a perfect candidate but that because she was NOT a minority they didn't have a spot for her(not the first time that's happened). Anyway time rocked on she lost interest in going back to school, but we still had the debt from the first half to pay for. Move ahead a couple more years and my wife blew out her knee and had to have surgery and was out of work for like 3 months on 1/3 pay. Rehab, Doctors visits, Home repairs, Car repairs, CCP-19, etc. Debt continued to mount and here we are, smashed flat under a mountain of debt, but I have faith we are now turning a corner, our metaphorical time in the dessert is coming to and end. We've never missed a payment and even though this hole is so deep I can no longer see any sunlight I have faith. The time for debt is over, the time for PMO is over, promised land here we come.(2004-2021)
271.2#
001
For those who never read my story I'll give a brief summary. I was introduced to porn magazines at age 8 by a neighborhood friend, began regular PMO at age 12 after getting cable tv. Continued in this pattern until age 17 where I met a girl who shared with me all her sexual experiences and I wrote them down as an erotic story I composed. At 18 I began renting adult VHS tapes. I met my future wife at age 22 and during this time things all but stopped. We got married when I was 25 and then in an effort to spice things up I introduced her to porn. This only lasted briefly and then for the next 3 years things were pretty quiet, we had a healthy and vigorous sex life during this time and life was good. Then in 1998 when I was 28, we got the internet and almost right away I began looking at porn again. During this time we were living a pretty stressful schedule. She was in college and working, I was working up to 3 jobs at times and I fell into the habit of using PMO as a stress reliever and a salve for boredom and loneliness. This habit carried on steady until 2004 at which time I read a book about a girl who was killed during the Columbine High School shooting entitled, "She said, Yes." I was home with the flu when I read it, I became so convicted over how'd I'd been living my own life that I dropped to my knees and begged God to forgive me for what I'd been doing. I told him to do whatever was needed to help me escape this habit that I knew was unacceptable to him and a sin.(1978-2004)
That week while I was still at home sick my boss called to tell me they'd sold the company and within 2 months I was out of a job I thought I might do for life. Because of my impulsive behavior while I was PMO'ing I had a tendency to rack up debt; cars, credit cards, a race car, etc. So when the floor fell out from our financial lives we had to sell everything, the house, my truck, my race car, our vast DVD collection(regular ones) and everything we could do without. We bought a smaller house, worked on paying down our debt and by the end of 2007 we were flush and then came september. The stock market went into free fall and jobs dried up. Unfortunately for us I had just purchased a new "used" truck to replace the beater I'd been driving while we paid off the debt and that turned out to be a mistake. That truck got really bad MPG's and we live in a rural area so you drive a ways to everything and suddenly gas was $4+ per gallon. Overnight it seemed the debt started pilling back on, only this time it was just to stay alive. My wife decided to go back to school only to find out halfway through she'd have to transfer to a different school. She applied to a new school closer to us, but they sent us a letter stating that her grades were perfect and she was a perfect candidate but that because she was NOT a minority they didn't have a spot for her(not the first time that's happened). Anyway time rocked on she lost interest in going back to school, but we still had the debt from the first half to pay for. Move ahead a couple more years and my wife blew out her knee and had to have surgery and was out of work for like 3 months on 1/3 pay. Rehab, Doctors visits, Home repairs, Car repairs, CCP-19, etc. Debt continued to mount and here we are, smashed flat under a mountain of debt, but I have faith we are now turning a corner, our metaphorical time in the dessert is coming to and end. We've never missed a payment and even though this hole is so deep I can no longer see any sunlight I have faith. The time for debt is over, the time for PMO is over, promised land here we come.(2004-2021)
271.2#
001
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