The last 5 years have been hard
And I have now had enough
Enough being and feeling alone
Enough being a pathetic loser
I am 45, married and father of two. My wife and kids are all I have and I am afraid that I may lose them if I do not change once and for all.
In truth I live a secret life that no one knows about and the guilt is tearing me apart.
I am about to write down what I have never told anyone
I am addicted to masturbation. I have been masturbating since my 10th year.
My parents divorced and my mom remarried almost immediately. Later I learned that she and my stepfather had had an affair while she was married to my dad. It was a terrible divorce and it had put a lot of pressure on their new marriage. The result was that my stepdad could not tolerate being in the same house as me. He wanted my mom all to himself and he made every effort to get me out of the way. Because of the bad divorce my dad gave up his parental rights and my mom had full custody so he was basically screwed.
I was sent of to boarding school in the middle of term. I had to share a bedroom with 2 much older kids. At this point I have had almost no exposure to sex in any form and was innocent and naïve. The short of it is that they made it their mission to give me a sex education. They taught me how to masturbate, which was a nightly event. What was fun at first turned into abuse and I was forced to do things which has filled me with shame for years.
I tried to talk to my Mom and Dad on separate occasions and both back fired. The worst was my Dad screaming and shaking me and basically telling me that I was going straight to hell. I have never spoke of what those 2 kids did to me since.
My Mom was force to bring me back home as I was not coping at boarding school. My stepdad was furious and he abused me emotionally and physically for most of my teen years. I believe he had learned from my Mom about what I had told her about my experience at boarding school, for he introduced me to porn. Again in short he left porn laying around the house for me to find, even in my room. I became addicted. He knew it and took every opportunity to make me feel like a piece of shit.
I developed a problem relating to other guys and became and still is an introvert. I struggled to make friends and even today I still have NO friends. I did however become the go to guy for porn in high school. Guys only befriended me in order to get easy access to porn and having circle jerk parties. This was basically the only time I was ever invited or included in the groups.
The abuse did however not end. My stepdad, older guys and bullies completely destroyed my self esteem. I was not a big kid and was mercilessly teased about my size, poor athletic abilities, my lack of confidence and my small penis. I am a grower not a shower, still is. When I am stressed or cold it is small but erect it triples in size and then I am decent sized. Locker rooms and getting naked in front of other guys has always been a traumatic experience for me.
When I finished high school I left home immediately. I got a job and went my own separate way. The access to porn dried up thankfully but I was still a chronic masturbater. Twice a day and more on the weekends. When I turned 24 I met and married my wife. I went to our marriage bed a virgin and she patiently helped me to overcome many of my emotional issues and we enjoyed a very frequent and satisfying sex life. I did not hide my masturbation addiction from her and sensing my needs she has no problem including masturbation into our "sex play". I did not crave porn at all in this time. My wife became my best and only friend and has remained such for all these years. She has given me her love, 2 wonderful kids and a home.
And now for the ugly truth.
In 2016 I suffered an emotional breakdown. I gained 30 kilos in 6 months and my libido completely dried up. As I ballooned my penis shriveled away and my self confidence evaporated. Sex became an embarrassing failure and I eventually just gave up. Even sessions with phycologist did not help. Our marriage has basically become sexless. My wife is trying to be understanding and has given up trying to initiate sex. In the past 5 years we have probably only had sex 6 or 7 times. It was not very satisfying and I have felt like a piece of shit after each attempt.
Unfortunately after 2016 I rediscovered porn. I have also discovered that I am able to get aroused and remain erect while watching porn. So once more I have become addicted to PMO. It has taken over my life. I go through these seasons of no PMO and then chronic PMO for months at a time. I am constantly filled with guilt and shame because of it. Like many of the guys here I have progressed from "safe" porn to the vile and disturbing. I have also become addicted to masturbation chat rooms. I am still
And I have now had enough
Enough being and feeling alone
Enough being a pathetic loser
I am 45, married and father of two. My wife and kids are all I have and I am afraid that I may lose them if I do not change once and for all.
In truth I live a secret life that no one knows about and the guilt is tearing me apart.
I am about to write down what I have never told anyone
I am addicted to masturbation. I have been masturbating since my 10th year.
My parents divorced and my mom remarried almost immediately. Later I learned that she and my stepfather had had an affair while she was married to my dad. It was a terrible divorce and it had put a lot of pressure on their new marriage. The result was that my stepdad could not tolerate being in the same house as me. He wanted my mom all to himself and he made every effort to get me out of the way. Because of the bad divorce my dad gave up his parental rights and my mom had full custody so he was basically screwed.
I was sent of to boarding school in the middle of term. I had to share a bedroom with 2 much older kids. At this point I have had almost no exposure to sex in any form and was innocent and naïve. The short of it is that they made it their mission to give me a sex education. They taught me how to masturbate, which was a nightly event. What was fun at first turned into abuse and I was forced to do things which has filled me with shame for years.
I tried to talk to my Mom and Dad on separate occasions and both back fired. The worst was my Dad screaming and shaking me and basically telling me that I was going straight to hell. I have never spoke of what those 2 kids did to me since.
My Mom was force to bring me back home as I was not coping at boarding school. My stepdad was furious and he abused me emotionally and physically for most of my teen years. I believe he had learned from my Mom about what I had told her about my experience at boarding school, for he introduced me to porn. Again in short he left porn laying around the house for me to find, even in my room. I became addicted. He knew it and took every opportunity to make me feel like a piece of shit.
I developed a problem relating to other guys and became and still is an introvert. I struggled to make friends and even today I still have NO friends. I did however become the go to guy for porn in high school. Guys only befriended me in order to get easy access to porn and having circle jerk parties. This was basically the only time I was ever invited or included in the groups.
The abuse did however not end. My stepdad, older guys and bullies completely destroyed my self esteem. I was not a big kid and was mercilessly teased about my size, poor athletic abilities, my lack of confidence and my small penis. I am a grower not a shower, still is. When I am stressed or cold it is small but erect it triples in size and then I am decent sized. Locker rooms and getting naked in front of other guys has always been a traumatic experience for me.
When I finished high school I left home immediately. I got a job and went my own separate way. The access to porn dried up thankfully but I was still a chronic masturbater. Twice a day and more on the weekends. When I turned 24 I met and married my wife. I went to our marriage bed a virgin and she patiently helped me to overcome many of my emotional issues and we enjoyed a very frequent and satisfying sex life. I did not hide my masturbation addiction from her and sensing my needs she has no problem including masturbation into our "sex play". I did not crave porn at all in this time. My wife became my best and only friend and has remained such for all these years. She has given me her love, 2 wonderful kids and a home.
And now for the ugly truth.
In 2016 I suffered an emotional breakdown. I gained 30 kilos in 6 months and my libido completely dried up. As I ballooned my penis shriveled away and my self confidence evaporated. Sex became an embarrassing failure and I eventually just gave up. Even sessions with phycologist did not help. Our marriage has basically become sexless. My wife is trying to be understanding and has given up trying to initiate sex. In the past 5 years we have probably only had sex 6 or 7 times. It was not very satisfying and I have felt like a piece of shit after each attempt.
Unfortunately after 2016 I rediscovered porn. I have also discovered that I am able to get aroused and remain erect while watching porn. So once more I have become addicted to PMO. It has taken over my life. I go through these seasons of no PMO and then chronic PMO for months at a time. I am constantly filled with guilt and shame because of it. Like many of the guys here I have progressed from "safe" porn to the vile and disturbing. I have also become addicted to masturbation chat rooms. I am still