Please, no more...

Deleted

Member
The last 5 years have been hard
And I have now had enough
Enough being and feeling alone
Enough being a pathetic loser

I am 45, married and father of two. My wife and kids are all I have and I am afraid that I may lose them if I do not change once and for all.
In truth I live a secret life that no one knows about and the guilt is tearing me apart.

I am about to write down what I have never told anyone

I am addicted to masturbation. I have been masturbating since my 10th year.
My parents divorced and my mom remarried almost immediately. Later I learned that she and my stepfather had had an affair while she was married to my dad. It was a terrible divorce and it had put a lot of pressure on their new marriage. The result was that my stepdad could not tolerate being in the same house as me. He wanted my mom all to himself and he made every effort to get me out of the way. Because of the bad divorce my dad gave up his parental rights and my mom had full custody so he was basically screwed.

I was sent of to boarding school in the middle of term. I had to share a bedroom with 2 much older kids. At this point I have had almost no exposure to sex in any form and was innocent and naïve. The short of it is that they made it their mission to give me a sex education. They taught me how to masturbate, which was a nightly event. What was fun at first turned into abuse and I was forced to do things which has filled me with shame for years.
I tried to talk to my Mom and Dad on separate occasions and both back fired. The worst was my Dad screaming and shaking me and basically telling me that I was going straight to hell. I have never spoke of what those 2 kids did to me since.

My Mom was force to bring me back home as I was not coping at boarding school. My stepdad was furious and he abused me emotionally and physically for most of my teen years. I believe he had learned from my Mom about what I had told her about my experience at boarding school, for he introduced me to porn. Again in short he left porn laying around the house for me to find, even in my room. I became addicted. He knew it and took every opportunity to make me feel like a piece of shit.

I developed a problem relating to other guys and became and still is an introvert. I struggled to make friends and even today I still have NO friends. I did however become the go to guy for porn in high school. Guys only befriended me in order to get easy access to porn and having circle jerk parties. This was basically the only time I was ever invited or included in the groups.

The abuse did however not end. My stepdad, older guys and bullies completely destroyed my self esteem. I was not a big kid and was mercilessly teased about my size, poor athletic abilities, my lack of confidence and my small penis. I am a grower not a shower, still is. When I am stressed or cold it is small but erect it triples in size and then I am decent sized. Locker rooms and getting naked in front of other guys has always been a traumatic experience for me.

When I finished high school I left home immediately. I got a job and went my own separate way. The access to porn dried up thankfully but I was still a chronic masturbater. Twice a day and more on the weekends. When I turned 24 I met and married my wife. I went to our marriage bed a virgin and she patiently helped me to overcome many of my emotional issues and we enjoyed a very frequent and satisfying sex life. I did not hide my masturbation addiction from her and sensing my needs she has no problem including masturbation into our "sex play". I did not crave porn at all in this time. My wife became my best and only friend and has remained such for all these years. She has given me her love, 2 wonderful kids and a home.

And now for the ugly truth.
In 2016 I suffered an emotional breakdown. I gained 30 kilos in 6 months and my libido completely dried up. As I ballooned my penis shriveled away and my self confidence evaporated. Sex became an embarrassing failure and I eventually just gave up. Even sessions with phycologist did not help. Our marriage has basically become sexless. My wife is trying to be understanding and has given up trying to initiate sex. In the past 5 years we have probably only had sex 6 or 7 times. It was not very satisfying and I have felt like a piece of shit after each attempt.

Unfortunately after 2016 I rediscovered porn. I have also discovered that I am able to get aroused and remain erect while watching porn. So once more I have become addicted to PMO. It has taken over my life. I go through these seasons of no PMO and then chronic PMO for months at a time. I am constantly filled with guilt and shame because of it. Like many of the guys here I have progressed from "safe" porn to the vile and disturbing. I have also become addicted to masturbation chat rooms. I am still
 

Cmax

Active Member
Hi Andre, I am on day 60 of rebooting and I am getting better......I read the book "your brain on porn", which educates you on how porn affects the body like drugs and alcohol......to make a long story short, I would not get hard without supplements and the book explains why! My wife is beautiful but porn disconnected my sexual reaction towards her!!! On day 45 of my reboot we had sex and I had a natural erection!....Don't beat yourself up, forgive yourself and get proactive.....start by taking care of yourself physically and mentally. Give up all forms of sexual content and use exercise to keep you busy and to get your confidence back! The book will give you a path to follow and reboot nation will be here for support! You only live once so make sacrifices to make it great!
 

Kelvis

Member
As I read your post it takes me back through my life, my father had an affair and got divorced from my mom when I was 13. Even though I had friends my conscious awareness was dimmed from masturbating. I found soft porn under dads mattress and became unconditional compulsive porn stroker by age 6, now I'm 61, never married, no kids, criminal record, had cancer and the infusions for a year, I'm heavily medicated, on social security, have just been to the cardiologist and the 42 years of drugs and alcohol and the 55 years of spreading my demon seed have put some miles on my heart plus I have no one around me that I can call a friend. I have got plans and am changing this emptiness. I started through treatment, psychiatrist, searching the computer about PMO, went through a lot of sites one of them being RN. Pornography and pleasure have brought me to the level of the biped. I have been sober from all illegal drugs and alcohol for over 4 years suffering through rehab and determination yet I couldn't stop PMOing worse when I explained my chronic porn history, this lifelong dilemma to the counselors they told me that because it wasn't listed as an addiction in the DSM V that I was overacting and hence diagnosed me as OCD. My entire life has revolved around chemicals (mainly dopamine) and the science of neuroplasticity. I have been PMO free around 34 days and nights, I was given the greatest gift of life free will, a choice, why should I continue to live for the spazm-gazm, I have been a slave of momentary passionate lust and doing this time after time again, it has taken my free will and slowly turned it into fear. We tread this battlefield of misery and despair which occupies minds and emotions stripping their lives of any form of contentment, if we slip and we all fail at something sometime it's our ability to pick ourselves up and continue going,, that in the end determines our success. Through the experiences of others we can find support, be easy on ourselves, and don't give up just keep on keeping on. Other members give me the support and ideas to learn and grow. I find gratitude about something daily journal it, review it every few days self reflecting to find parallels, new ideas ,and inconsistencies so I can learn, change and appreciate myself more, How can we have the companionship of others( which is innate) to heal ourselves if we don't like us as a person, Stay busy walking to start, a simple breathing technique (which I find is the easy way) then focused breathing meditation,, service to another or community and try to smile a few times a day.
 

Kelvis

Member
Pre-plain for the days that the Demons of Desire come because they give no warning nor mercy, you get what you deserve) got to stay busy (for myself) do something physical especially getting your for it paid like construction.

34 days ,the longest lifetime record thus far
 

Deleted

Member
As I read your post it takes me back through my life, my father had an affair and got divorced from my mom when I was 13. Even though I had friends my conscious awareness was dimmed from masturbating. I found soft porn under dads mattress and became unconditional compulsive porn stroker by age 6, now I'm 61, never married, no kids, criminal record, had cancer and the infusions for a year, I'm heavily medicated, on social security, have just been to the cardiologist and the 42 years of drugs and alcohol and the 55 years of spreading my demon seed have put some miles on my heart plus I have no one around me that I can call a friend. I have got plans and am changing this emptiness. I started through treatment, psychiatrist, searching the computer about PMO, went through a lot of sites one of them being RN. Pornography and pleasure have brought me to the level of the biped. I have been sober from all illegal drugs and alcohol for over 4 years suffering through rehab and determination yet I couldn't stop PMOing worse when I explained my chronic porn history, this lifelong dilemma to the counselors they told me that because it wasn't listed as an addiction in the DSM V that I was overacting and hence diagnosed me as OCD. My entire life has revolved around chemicals (mainly dopamine) and the science of neuroplasticity. I have been PMO free around 34 days and nights, I was given the greatest gift of life free will, a choice, why should I continue to live for the spazm-gazm, I have been a slave of momentary passionate lust and doing this time after time again, it has taken my free will and slowly turned it into fear. We tread this battlefield of misery and despair which occupies minds and emotions stripping their lives of any form of contentment, if we slip and we all fail at something sometime it's our ability to pick ourselves up and continue going,, that in the end determines our success. Through the experiences of others we can find support, be easy on ourselves, and don't give up just keep on keeping on. Other members give me the support and ideas to learn and grow. I find gratitude about something daily journal it, review it every few days self reflecting to find parallels, new ideas ,and inconsistencies so I can learn, change and appreciate myself more, How can we have the companionship of others( which is innate) to heal ourselves if we don't like us as a person, Stay busy walking to start, a simple breathing technique (which I find is the easy way) then focused breathing meditation,, service to another or community and try to smile a few times a day.
Hi Kelvis
As I read your response I feel ashamed for wallowing in self pity. It took me forever to write my 1st journal entry as I did not want to come across as pitiful. I posted it anyway. You have made me realize that there are guys out there with way more shit to deal with. I applaud you for working towards overcoming your challenges. You are my inspiration for the day and I thank you for taking the time to write. I am happy for you that you have found the support you need to keep going. I can only pray that I will be able to do the same. I will take your advise to heart and focus on recovering.
 

Deleted

Member
Thank you for your words of encouragement.
Hi Andre, I am on day 60 of rebooting and I am getting better......I read the book "your brain on porn", which educates you on how porn affects the body like drugs and alcohol......to make a long story short, I would not get hard without supplements and the book explains why! My wife is beautiful but porn disconnected my sexual reaction towards her!!! On day 45 of my reboot we had sex and I had a natural erection!....Don't beat yourself up, forgive yourself and get proactive.....start by taking care of yourself physically and mentally. Give up all forms of sexual content and use exercise to keep you busy and to get your confidence back! The book will give you a path to follow and reboot nation will be here for support! You only live once so make sacrifices to make it great!
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.
60 days; what an inspiration. I will definitely put your advice to use.
I will overcome and succeed.
Best of luck to you as well on your journey.
 

Deleted

Member
Pre-plain for the days that the Demons of Desire come because they give no warning nor mercy, you get what you deserve) got to stay busy (for myself) do something physical especially getting your for it paid like construction.

34 days ,the longest lifetime record thus far
Well done on the 34 Days achievement. May I ask do you feel different? Have some things changed for you?
I will definitely be staying busier and focusing my time on more productive things.
I just hope that I will be able to stand strong against the Demons when they attack
Thanks again for the support
 

Deleted

Member
Prayer for today:

Father, it’s hard to admit I’m fragile. The world encourages me to be strong and self-sufficient . . . to take care of “number one.” But I am fragile. I’m weak. And I’ve experienced brokenness because of my own failures or the failures of those around me. Once again, I ask for Your forgiveness.

By Your grace, I have also experienced Your transforming power. Because of who You are and all You’ve done for me, I have the precious and valuable treasure within me. This gift of faith in Jesus. This promise of forgiveness and power to overcome. This hope that assures me of LIFE with You forever.

I pray that the light You have given me through faith in Jesus will shine out through the cracks and fragile places. Help me humbly serve in ways that make it possible for people to see Jesus in me. Help me “be still and know” Your presence that I might reflect the light of Your love. Thank you for blessing me with the powerful treasure of Your Spirit. Please grant me courage and strength and everything else I need to live every day for Your glory.

Amen.
 

Kelvis

Member
Time to start again, I was doing so well. I can't even say why I went on a binge. Got to get my porn (collection) out of the house first thing, right now. I hate to leave my lovers, they never say no. I am weak and clueless. I know to stay busy, I read all the posts. YBOP, nofap, fight the new drug, RN. I can stay away from my harem that are on DVDs 3 weeks maybe a month, doesn't bother me no cravings, then suddenly I'm overcome. I watch em, love em, then I'm dumb and numb.

Game Plan: Exercise, mindful breathing, eating low carb, veg; fruits, fish diet, educate myself in nutrition, do my own cooking, fasting, talk to my psychiatrist monthly, take my medications, attend couple of classes I'm enrolled in at the college, see my computer tutor weekly, surf for something new, play guitar and learn something new (You Tube), find a therapist that I feel comfortable with introduce them to some of the web sites and journal entries I have to share my problems with and get some professional input however I've been seeing professionals since the 90s and have not learned jack crap compared to the porn addiction forums and information on the computer at these sites..

I need to continue breaking this thing I call (Self) down and let go. We all fail it's our ability to pick ourselves up and continue going that in the end determines our success. I read that somewhere. I think the thing that has been missing in my life is spiritual philosophy. I searched and was fortunate to have found what works for me. I can start reading discourses and books, contemplating them, writing down constructive things that will broaden my outlook and any insights I have in the journal. I need to keep this with me at all times, how I feel, what I think and maybe then I can think why I feel the way I do because when I get feeling randy, possessed by the urge of the surge, my mind, body, emotions and brain is in its clutches, that's my loss of control, I'm in PMO mode, it's neuroplasticity. Figured I'd outgrow it, I didn't

really want to stop, couldn't stop, nobody ever talked about it back then. Once I confessed it to a bishop didn't help, I felt stupid. It's gotten to the point where I'm to scared to live and to scared to die. This is why I'm a loner, When I'm in a crowd I don't know what to say so I feel broken. It's good to have a venue to share consciousness, I'm new at this and it's good to know I'm not alone.

So I'll just keep on keeping on, learn from the past, got a idea how to proceed, trying to find a way to take this dis-ease seriously, I'm not laughing frankly I don't know how to any more. I will keep searching, trial and error to find contentment, I have to earn it.
 

Deleted

Member
Time to start again, I was doing so well. I can't even say why I went on a binge. Got to get my porn (collection) out of the house first thing, right now. I hate to leave my lovers, they never say no. I am weak and clueless. I know to stay busy, I read all the posts. YBOP, nofap, fight the new drug, RN. I can stay away from my harem that are on DVDs 3 weeks maybe a month, doesn't bother me no cravings, then suddenly I'm overcome. I watch em, love em, then I'm dumb and numb.

Game Plan: Exercise, mindful breathing, eating low carb, veg; fruits, fish diet, educate myself in nutrition, do my own cooking, fasting, talk to my psychiatrist monthly, take my medications, attend couple of classes I'm enrolled in at the college, see my computer tutor weekly, surf for something new, play guitar and learn something new (You Tube), find a therapist that I feel comfortable with introduce them to some of the web sites and journal entries I have to share my problems with and get some professional input however I've been seeing professionals since the 90s and have not learned jack crap compared to the porn addiction forums and information on the computer at these sites..

I need to continue breaking this thing I call (Self) down and let go. We all fail it's our ability to pick ourselves up and continue going that in the end determines our success. I read that somewhere. I think the thing that has been missing in my life is spiritual philosophy. I searched and was fortunate to have found what works for me. I can start reading discourses and books, contemplating them, writing down constructive things that will broaden my outlook and any insights I have in the journal. I need to keep this with me at all times, how I feel, what I think and maybe then I can think why I feel the way I do because when I get feeling randy, possessed by the urge of the surge, my mind, body, emotions and brain is in its clutches, that's my loss of control, I'm in PMO mode, it's neuroplasticity. Figured I'd outgrow it, I didn't

really want to stop, couldn't stop, nobody ever talked about it back then. Once I confessed it to a bishop didn't help, I felt stupid. It's gotten to the point where I'm to scared to live and to scared to die. This is why I'm a loner, When I'm in a crowd I don't know what to say so I feel broken. It's good to have a venue to share consciousness, I'm new at this and it's good to know I'm not alone.

So I'll just keep on keeping on, learn from the past, got a idea how to proceed, trying to find a way to take this dis-ease seriously, I'm not laughing frankly I don't know how to any more. I will keep searching, trial and error to find contentment, I have to earn it.
Hi Kelvis
Thank you for taking the time to write
I feel your pain and frustration. All I can say is be strong AND remove the temptations. Lets be honest, we are not strong enough yet to resist these demons. You already have a game plan however, focus on one thing at a time and take it from there.
The best thing about this is that we are not alone. Even when we cant speak to those closest to us about it, we can come here for support.
You need someone to chat to - I am here
 

Deleted

Member
Day 2
Not going to well
Started OK this morning. Meditated, exercised and got my head into work mode for the day.
Suddenly I am overcome with this need to masturbate. I am not particularly horny or anything. Its just as of my mind is yelling "do it, do it, do it"
But I am determined not to give in.
Just wish I could understand why. What the fuck is triggering these feelings? No one has sparked my interest or aroused me in anyway. I have not seen any sexually stimulating pictures or anything else that I can say "Yes that is what's making me want to get off, right now".
Is it chemical? Has my body just gotten so used to that endorphin rush?

On any other day I would have rushed off to any of my numerous jerk-off spots and pumped one off. For fucks sake. Am I really that guy?

But I am fighting not to give in and here I sit instead writing about it. Drawing power from the other sufferers here. I may not have friends but I do feel part of the group here. Focus, Focus, Focus.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
Thanks for sharing. This is a TOUGH journey. I won't go into my journal but like all others on this site we have to the temptations do weaken. No one is perfect and the guilt and shame is unfortunately part of the journey to get better.

Praying for you and this site.
 

Cmax

Active Member
Time to start again, I was doing so well. I can't even say why I went on a binge. Got to get my porn (collection) out of the house first thing, right now. I hate to leave my lovers, they never say no. I am weak and clueless. I know to stay busy, I read all the posts. YBOP, nofap, fight the new drug, RN. I can stay away from my harem that are on DVDs 3 weeks maybe a month, doesn't bother me no cravings, then suddenly I'm overcome. I watch em, love em, then I'm dumb and numb.

Game Plan: Exercise, mindful breathing, eating low carb, veg; fruits, fish diet, educate myself in nutrition, do my own cooking, fasting, talk to my psychiatrist monthly, take my medications, attend couple of classes I'm enrolled in at the college, see my computer tutor weekly, surf for something new, play guitar and learn something new (You Tube), find a therapist that I feel comfortable with introduce them to some of the web sites and journal entries I have to share my problems with and get some professional input however I've been seeing professionals since the 90s and have not learned jack crap compared to the porn addiction forums and information on the computer at these sites..

I need to continue breaking this thing I call (Self) down and let go. We all fail it's our ability to pick ourselves up and continue going that in the end determines our success. I read that somewhere. I think the thing that has been missing in my life is spiritual philosophy. I searched and was fortunate to have found what works for me. I can start reading discourses and books, contemplating them, writing down constructive things that will broaden my outlook and any insights I have in the journal. I need to keep this with me at all times, how I feel, what I think and maybe then I can think why I feel the way I do because when I get feeling randy, possessed by the urge of the surge, my mind, body, emotions and brain is in its clutches, that's my loss of control, I'm in PMO mode, it's neuroplasticity. Figured I'd outgrow it, I didn't

really want to stop, couldn't stop, nobody ever talked about it back then. Once I confessed it to a bishop didn't help, I felt stupid. It's gotten to the point where I'm to scared to live and to scared to die. This is why I'm a loner, When I'm in a crowd I don't know what to say so I feel broken. It's good to have a venue to share consciousness, I'm new at this and it's good to know I'm not alone.

So I'll just keep on keeping on, learn from the past, got a idea how to proceed, trying to find a way to take this dis-ease seriously, I'm not laughing frankly I don't know how to any more. I will keep searching, trial and error to find contentment, I have to earn it.
Hi Kelvin day 61 for me.....I found that learning my triggers made me stop when the urge pops up......i really have to be mindful in the shower! I used to edge and masturbate to porn visions in the shower.....so that trigger is hard because I want to be clean but the others have become easier because my addiction was mainly due to boredom! Soo in my case, learning what triggers a porn response helps!
 

Deleted

Member
Thanks for sharing. This is a TOUGH journey. I won't go into my journal but like all others on this site we have to the temptations do weaken. No one is perfect and the guilt and shame is unfortunately part of the journey to get better.

Praying for you and this site.
Thank you Jerry
Not giving into temptation is the hardest not to do. My brain feels short circuited. On the one hand I know that this is wrong but on the other hand my brain wants it. It is a constant battle of will. I actually realize for the 1st time what drug or alcohol addict must go through.
 

Deleted

Member
Day 3 was a good day
Got up early and went for a hike with the kids. Fresh air and exercise seemed to do the trick to keep my focus elsewhere.
Had a nice surprise too. Had a shower when we got back and found my naked wife waiting for me. Decided to just enjoy the moment and managed a decent boner which inspire a blowjob and very satisfying sex.
Looking forward to more of those as I heal body and soul.
 

Deleted

Member
Day 4
Temptation temptation
Yesterday's sex has me horned. I don't want to push my luck as my wife is also dealing with my addiction. But I am fighting back. Exercised and meditated this morning. Helping with the household chores.
Fuck this is hard
 

Noah

Member
Day 4
Temptation temptation
Yesterday's sex has me horned. I don't want to push my luck as my wife is also dealing with my addiction. But I am fighting back. Exercised and meditated this morning. Helping with the household chores.
Fuck this is hard
I'm new here and only a few days sober, but I'll share something that helps for me. I used it to quit smoking, too. When I get the urge to masturbate, I'm overcome with the anticipation of how good it will feel. Not just the act or the orgasm, but the distraction from whatever stress I am feeling. What I do in that situation is immediately imagine the shame I'll feel afterwards, the aimlessness I'll feel the rest of the day, how irritable I'll be. I know these things will happen, but when I have an urge, I usually forget them. That's the power of the addiction. If I can train myself to think about those things every time I want to masturbate, it takes some of the urge's power away.

I hope this helps. Thank you for sharing. It's heartening to see others feeling the same things I'm feeling.
 

Deleted

Member
I'm new here and only a few days sober, but I'll share something that helps for me. I used it to quit smoking, too. When I get the urge to masturbate, I'm overcome with the anticipation of how good it will feel. Not just the act or the orgasm, but the distraction from whatever stress I am feeling. What I do in that situation is immediately imagine the shame I'll feel afterwards, the aimlessness I'll feel the rest of the day, how irritable I'll be. I know these things will happen, but when I have an urge, I usually forget them. That's the power of the addiction. If I can train myself to think about those things every time I want to masturbate, it takes some of the urge's power away.

I hope this helps. Thank you for sharing. It's heartening to see others feeling the same things I'm feeling.
Thank you for taking the time to share some of your insights with me
I appreciate it
Feeling shame and guilt afterwards has been such a big part of who I am. The truth is that I used to justify those feelings as being stupid. Masturbating is normal and everybody does it, blah blah blah
I agree with you. Its about focus.
Best of luck to you to. Stay strong. We can overcome
 

Deleted

Member
Day 5
Was a good day
Took it slow, kept my mind occupied
Helped around the house (even did some ironing - scored some points with the wife :))
Went for a 5km walk with the kids
 

Deleted

Member
Day 6
Had an OK day
Kept busy and active but my mind was all over the show. I am doing research for work and had to keep stopping myself not to take a quick detour into porn territory. It is just too easy.
f#(& how I miss the pre-internet days. Born in the 70s we spent much more time actually talking to people, no computers and no cellphones. No easy quick detours. But progress cannot be stopped just because I am in trouble. At least I controlled myself.
Tomorrow is another day
 
Top