First Time Here, Long Time Coming

Noah

Member
Two weeks without any real PMO (a couple close calls). Had a couple sessions with a therapist and am getting to the roots of some of my addiction. I actually feel like I'm over the hump and could go a lot longer. Urges are reduced a little. I'm sure this is actually a dangerous time - feeling like I've got this beat could make me let down my guard - but I'm feeling very hopeful about the future, so I'm gonna lean into it.
 

DavS

Active Member
In my experience it gets progressively easier. But I also know from direct experience that you can never let your guard down. Just a peak is dooming. Before you even think about a “harmless“ peak at something, your brain‘s denial/reward system is already greasing the water slide back in to addiction.
 

Noah

Member
17 days now without PMO. Still at it. Staying away from porn is relatively easy at this point, but my brain still turns to fantasizing about other women in porn-style situations a few times a day. I've come close to relapsing quite a few times.

I know I'm not the only man who has fantasized about a woman at work or a girl at the supermarket or whatever. Is it even possible to stop thinking this way? Would I be cutting myself off from my basic maleness? Would I have any sexual feelings left over? Is it possible to only have sexual feelings for my wife, and no one else? Or is it just going to be an ongoing game of whack-a-mole in which these feelings arise and I tamp them down each time? My concern is that I'm shaming myself for having sexual urges and that doesn't seem too healthy either. But I know that the more I sexually fantasize about other women, the less physically attracted I am to my wife.

I'm confused, I guess. Maybe this is just an in-between phase in the ending-PMO process, but I'd like to know what comes next. And when.
 
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guitar1968

Well-Known Member
17 days now without PMO. Still at it. Staying away from porn is relatively easy at this point, but my brain still turns to fantasizing about other women in porn-style situations a few times a day. I've come close to relapsing quite a few times.

I know I'm not the only man who has fantasized about a woman at work or a girl at the supermarket or whatever. Is it even possible to stop thinking this way? Would I be cutting myself off from my basic maleness? Would I have any sexual feelings left over? Is it possible to only have sexual feelings for my wife, and no one else? Or is it just going to be an ongoing game of whack-a-mole in which these feelings arise and I tamp them down each time? My concern is that I'm shaming myself for having sexual urges and that doesn't seem to healthy either. But I know that the more I sexually fantasize about other women, the less physically attracted I am to my wife.

I'm confused, I guess. Maybe this is just an in-between phase in the ending-PMO process, but I'd like to know what comes next. And when.
I think it is the most natural thing in the world to be attracted to woman at work, at the mall, on the street. I think that porn has made us feel like we have to think about them sexually at all times. Being attracted is natural, thinking about all the dirty ways to have sex with them constantly I think is fueled by porn. At least that is my take. Of course we are attracted to other woman. Woman are attracted to other men. It's what we do with that attraction and what we think about the attraction that makes the difference.
 

Noah

Member
I think it is the most natural thing in the world to be attracted to woman at work, at the mall, on the street. I think that porn has made us feel like we have to think about them sexually at all times. Being attracted is natural, thinking about all the dirty ways to have sex with them constantly I think is fueled by porn. At least that is my take. Of course we are attracted to other woman. Woman are attracted to other men. It's what we do with that attraction and what we think about the attraction that makes the difference.
So pardon me if this is a stupid question, but what do you do with that feeling of attraction if not fantasize about them sexually? Is there a healthier, non-porn version of a fantasy I could direct my mind towards? I'm not sure I know how to *feel* attraction without a fantasy attached.
 
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DavS

Active Member
I think of it in terms of attention. We are always directing how much attention we pay to everything. If you see a beautiful woman, and you keep your attention on her, and start having inappropriate thoughts, you’re f***ing up. If you see her and catch yourself before you go there, good. If you see her appreciate her beauty, and take you attention back to your real life activities and goals, etc, then you’re doing great. Im trying to think of it as keeping a steady hand on my attention control knob.
 

Noah

Member
Okay, here goes Day 18 without PMO. Every day, it gets easier to stay away from porn, but I am becoming more and more confident that porn itself isn't my problem. I'm more of a fantasy addict than a porn addict. So the challenge for me is to properly process my sexual urges. This is a lot less simple than simply not looking at porn (which I know is NOT so simple for everyone). I'm trying to take the advice of my friends on this site - allow the urges to come, but don't linger on any specific fantasy. We'll see how it goes.

My wife asked me this morning if I ever thought about other women while we were having sex. I told her the truth - yes, but not all the time - and left it at that. We're still working through a lot of stuff.
 

DavS

Active Member
I’m glad it’s getting easier.
It’s great to examine underlying issues, but porn is so super stimulating, it’s a special kind of addiction, as I’m sure you know.
I also have escapist tendencies, and love withdrawing into science fiction or whatever. So many things play into this.
 

Noah

Member
Three weeks without PMO today. I've been tempted a lot lately. My mind hasn't been reset yet. Fantasies are still going strong. I feel completely charged with sexual energy and nowhere to put it. But I'm not looking at porn, and I'm not masturbating. So there ya go.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Hello, welcome to the forum! Good for you wanting to change. I am a partner, my husband was a porn addict. I would get the book “Love You, Hate the Porn” by Mark Chamberlain and Geoff Steurer. It was a turning point in our recovery. I use our because we were trying to get our marriage back on track. We read the book together and discussed what we read. Sometimes it was easy and sometimes not. On whether or not it is betrayal, that decision is in the eyes of your wife. The two of you will have to work through this together. It may take her a bit to not feel the raw hurt she currently feels. Be patient with her. Also one thing we did sex wise was have eyes open sex. It works!
 

Noah

Member
Fascinating thing happened today. My wife and I had dinner at my mother's house, and there were several points during the dinner when I found myself just staring at my wife, awed by her beauty. My wife is a beautiful woman - a former model, in fact - but I have taken her beauty for granted many times over the course our marriage. I've felt she was starting to look old, gaining weight, etc. You know, the normal things that happens to every single human being on the planet. Of course, I'm sure I was fixating on her outer appearance and looking for any cracks so that I could justify my resistance to physical intimacy with her and continue my porn habit.

After dinner, I told her that I was awed by her beauty tonight, and she said she couldn't remember the last time I told her that. She paused and went on, "Maybe it's also because you haven't been watching porn and comparing me to those fake women."

I think she's right. When we got home, I caught her changing in the closet, gave her big a hug, and let my hands explore her body. I didn't push her towards sex, in part because I was afraid my PIED was still in effect and also because I just didn't want to push her. But after all, it was wonderful to connect with her physically even a little bit.
 
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DavS

Active Member
That’s a beautiful thing to share. You and I are in a similar dynamic. As porn brain damage (PBD?) begins to subside, our genuine feelings for our partner get stronger. There’s a lot to be said for reality.
 

Noah

Member
That’s a beautiful thing to share. You and I are in a similar dynamic. As porn brain damage (PBD?) begins to subside, our genuine feelings for our partner get stronger. There’s a lot to be said for reality.
It's the only thing that's real!
 

JerryTX

Active Member
Well said. I agree that during my journey I have connected with my wife on another level. Like you PIED is real and then just the anxiety of it effects my brain. We have had sex but sometimes the erection begins to fade. Not sure why as I'm not watching P or PMO but it is something that I struggle with. The natural part will continue to evolve l am sure. Great job and good luck!
 

guiganvoger

Active Member
Eric, my story is very similar with my wife. I have gotten PIED before and used porn type fantasies about other women and porn scenes to reach the end. I know exactly how that feels and how difficult it is to convince yourself to stop because you feel entitled to climax. I have been very selfish to my wife in our sex life and I hope to make it up to her. I'm in this with you! Congrats on 3 weeks in!
 

Noah

Member
Eric, my story is very similar with my wife. I have gotten PIED before and used porn type fantasies about other women and porn scenes to reach the end. I know exactly how that feels and how difficult it is to convince yourself to stop because you feel entitled to climax. I have been very selfish to my wife in our sex life and I hope to make it up to her. I'm in this with you! Congrats on 3 weeks in!
Thanks, buddy. It's incredibly helpful to have a brother-in-arms on this.
 

Noah

Member
It's Wednesday. Coming up on a month without PMO. I've had some close calls with edging, but I have managed to stay clean. My wife still won't let me back in the bed. She asked me if I am still fantasizing about other women, and I said that it happens a few times a day, but I try to push the fantasies out of my mind. She said I can come back in when it's down to zero times a day. I don't know if that will ever happen, but I hope so.

Other than that, things are going pretty well. My wife and I have engaged in some heavy petting, without an expectation of sex, and it feels great. My dick has gotten pretty hard during it - not a full chub, but probably 80% or so - which feels like progress.

Another side effect that I've noticed is that I'm tired all the time. Anyone else experience this? It might sound counter-intuitive, but I used to edge multiple times a day, and I think my body got used to have that artificial stimulus raising my heart rate. I find myself needing at least one nap every day, sometimes two. Hope this goes away. It's kinda hard to get my work done.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
I have experienced being more tired myself in the last 4 months. I wasn't sure what it was, but I do suspect it has something to do with quitting porn. I've heard people say they have more energy. I haven't experienced that. But since I started this in April, I have been exercising much more. So my body needs to get used to that as well.

Interesting that you and your wife are engaging in heavy petting, but not sleeping in the same bed. It sounds like at least she is still very interested in you. That's a really good sign. I wish I was there with my wife, but that's a whole other story.

Good luck and congrats on getting close to a month. Hang in there. I swear it gets easier.
 

Noah

Member
Thanks, Guitar Man. My wife is definitely still into me sexually, and that's great. It's better than great. But she said I can't come back into our bed until I'm not sexually fantasizing about other women AT ALL. I have told her that these fantasies still pop into my head a few times a day, but I do my best to push them out, and am still not MOing at all. But she wants total purity from me. I'm not sure that's feasible, and I don't quite know where to go next. I'm very happy my wife and I are getting along - emotionally and physically - but I'm afraid she has set a bar I can't possibly meet.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Thanks, Guitar Man. My wife is definitely still into me sexually, and that's great. It's better than great. But she said I can't come back into our bed until I'm not sexually fantasizing about other women AT ALL. I have told her that these fantasies still pop into my head a few times a day, but I do my best to push them out, and am still not MOing at all. But she wants total purity from me. I'm not sure that's feasible, and I don't quite know where to go next. I'm very happy my wife and I are getting along - emotionally and physically - but I'm afraid she has set a bar I can't possibly meet.
It's human nature to be attracted to other people. Men and women. If she truly never sees a hot guy, a good looking actor, etc. without having a passing thought or two, I'd be really surprised. But, maybe she doesn't maybe she doesn't fantasize about them, just thinks, hey that's a hot guy. I'm not sure what I would do in this situation. It would be lying to say you don't fantasize about women, but explaining that when it pops into your head you mindfully move on might help. Who knows. this is a tough one. I hope you can work it out. If my wife and I made out once in a while, I might be more willing to try to make things better as well. Ugh, relationships are a tough game.
 
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