Turtle Journal

[DavS]

Yes, ups and downs for sure, thanks JerryTX. Staying away from PMO is actually the easy part. Coming to grips with what I’ve done, and working through all the horrible consequences of it is the hard part. I can’t ask my wife to trust me after all the lies. Maybe she shouldn’t trust me, it’s hard to trust myself knowing the lies I told myself, but some level of trust is necessary In a relationship.
On the positive side my wife and I are making progress. More talking and more karezza are helping. I have a healthy libido now and that helps too.
Its been about a month, and I feel like I’m past the withdrawal and habitual part of the addiction. Porn takes advantage of the primal chemistry of the brain, and I drilled that fucked up arousal pathway. So I have no illusions about having beaten the addiction. Everyone is susceptible to this addiction because we’ve all got the brain chemistry that it’s based on, especially men. I think it’s a hidden and extremely widespread epidemic. We also have the brainwashing that it’s no big deal. Who is going to address the problem if there is no problem and everybody is using it? Men are not the only victims. I read that the average life expectancy of a porn “star” is 31.

 

[guitar1968]

Sounds like things are looking up. Good for you and good luck on your journey!

 

[DavS]

Things are looking up. But I feel the journey is lifelong. My wife and I are gradually making progress. I’m doing great, no porn, and the only sex is with my wife. My arousal experience is returning to my pre-porn sexuality. The biggest issue right now is stress and overwork. That should ease up in the next week or two, as renovations finish up.

 

[DavS]

The renovations are done, just a few miscellaneous details to finish. I‘m also finishing a course of doxycycline for Lyme disease. My latest thinking about ending porn addiction is related to the Easy Peasy method, but with a lesson from Yoda - there is no try, just do. I’m doing it, I‘ve quit. What makes it hard to quit is the brainwashing. Reorganize the way you think about it, and it’s much easier to quit for good. It’s also important to remember that it only takes, it doesn’t give you anything but an addiction.

 

[DavS]

I’m back because my wife caught me looking at sexy pictures on facebook.
I feel so hopeless right now. Ive got to stick with this forum, keep posting updates, its so easy for me to slip into denial.
She said I’m using porn substitutes, and she’s right. I’m not masturbating, but I’m lucky I got caught before things got worse. It’s totally unconscious but, I know I wanted to get caught. There is no other explanation.
I was looking at two sexy posts that came up close together on my feed. This happened right before my wife had to leave for an appointment. I knew she would be coming downstairs and made an incredibly lame attempt to hide what I was doing, pretty much guarantying that I would be caught. I feel so infantile. Why can’t I just tell her if I slip up? It’s insane. I’m somehow programmed in the wrong way.
She asked me how long has this been going on. I couldn’t answer because I don’t really know. It has to do with how I look at something, and the thoughts around the experience. Also if I’m very horny, something sexy is harder to ignore, or just scroll past in the case of Facebook. How long is a valid question.
It started not long before my birthday It’s a subtle thing, but that’s about when I started loosing my 100% control.

 

[DavS]

What happened a few months ago? That’s about when I felt a big change taking place. We decided way before that to retire from our main income producing work. But when the money actually stopped coming in, it was stressful. So much was going on I lost started to loose focus on policing my tendencies.
The other part of this is libido. I need to talk to my wife about my sexual needs. OMG why is that so impossible? It should be easy, we’ve been married for decades. I suck at dealing with my sexual needs.

 

[Not a Rabbi]

Rooting for you DavS. I don't know your entire story but I imagine you've come far if you're not going past p-subs, so I hope you can reflect on your overall progress. Not to push if you don't want, but are you able to take a break from facebook? Social media was a huge trigger for me so I asked my wife to set new passwords to my accounts (only she knows them) and logged out. I still have the accounts if I want to use them, but at least as I'm rebooting I want to stay away from unnecessary triggers.

 

[DavS]

Rooting for you DavS. I don't know your entire story but I imagine you've come far if you're not going past p-subs, so I hope you can reflect on your overall progress. Not to push if you don't want, but are you able to take a break from facebook? Social media was a huge trigger for me so I asked my wife to set new passwords to my accounts (only she knows them) and logged out. I still have the accounts if I want to use them, but at least as I'm rebooting I want to stay away from unnecessary triggers.

Thanks. I simply deleted the app from my iPad. That‘s enough for me to avoid getting sucked into Facebook p-subs. The important thing for me is to not get complacent. Porn has screwed up my life so much, I really want to avoid anything that could lead me back into addiction.

 

[DavS]

I’m doing well, but I don’t want to jinx it by getting complacent.
It’s surprising how little I miss Facebook. I still look at it a few times a week, but screen time is down about 90%.
So now I’m spending more time doing yoga, and working on my week areas. Any warm feeling from something that might become a trigger I’m countering with the secure feeling of being free from porn addiction. This is more effective than guilt or anxiety, which can actually add to the trigger.

 

[Not a Rabbi]

Well done!