You Shall Not Pass!!!!!

**** UPDATE ***** Day 109 **** I renamed my journal. It had a rambling title that I came up with when I was just introducing myself with this post ... how I got here. How gradually this addiction can get you. I wasn't addicted at first. I'm not even 100% sure "addicted" is the right term considering the relative lack of trouble I've had avoiding porn entirely once I decided to do it. But if addiction means I became dependent on it to be aroused, then it applies in spades.

I've since found this forum to be a help to me and I want to be a help to others. One of the ways I've tried to help is to share how I deal with temptation. With a big, mentally loud, resounding "NO! GO AWAY!!!!"

And in a couple of comment threads I likened it to fighting an old demon, an adversary so big and so destructive and so intertwined in my history ... it is like the Balrog from Lord of the Rings that Gandalf doesn't want to fight but knows he must. And that decision he made when he put his foot .... er ... staff down and shouted, with conviction, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!!!!!!"

That is what I do in my head when these temptations come up. Because I know the consequences of letting it pass. Failure. A waste of the time and effort I've put into this so far. And that much longer before I come out the other end, hopefully "cured" (which to me means able to have normal sex again, even most of the times I try. Right now, it is flatline zero)

Of course after Gandalf made that proclamation the demon snagged him with his tail in a last ditch effort, pulling Gandalf down through the pit of hell where a terrible battle ensued.

But in the end, Gandalf wins. He defeats the Balrog. He defeats him because he fought long and vigorously and did not let up until the job was done.

But it all started with him drawing a line in the sand ... on that stone bridge, with his staff.

YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also ... for those of you looking for somewhere to start replacing how you've spent your idle time for something more constructive, I cannot recommend this site enough: https://www.artofmanliness.com/

================== Original First Journal Entry =========

It doesn't happen right away .... how I got here.

Here is my story, with a lot of background.

I like women. Always have, since I was very young. Just extremely drawn to the feminine. I remember, and this was right around 1970 (I was 5/6) thinking one of my mom's friends was just so pretty there in her dress and hose ... the housewives in the neighborhood dressed like that a lot.

It wasn't a sexual thing. But it has always been "moth to a flame" fascination (that burned me later in life but that's really off-topic).

I never understood the whole "cooties" thing. I couldn't grasp why the other boys acted like they didn't want girls to touch them. "Are you kidding me?" I would think to myself.

First porn I came in contact with was walking home from school, a few folded up magazine pages. Really tame stuff by later standards. Nude women on the phone ... doing kind of daily tasks. Wow! My little 13-year-old hormones got jumpstarted.

I hadn't thought of masturbating. I didn't know what that was. I led a pretty sheltered life, which I'm thankful for.

A year or two later I'd had my first wet dream -- I didn't know what that was about, either. I was chasing two neighborhood girls down the road and they were stripping their clothes off, giggling. I caught up with one, we won't go into graphic detail ... and bam! I woke up. With strangely wet PJ's.

Still, I was unaware you could actually MAKE this happen. That came a year or two later when I accidentally noticed how good two layers of these satin PJ's we'd all just gotten felt when rubbed together over my ... well, you know. I'd been doing it for a while one night after going to bed and all of those pre-orgasmic sensations we all know about came upon me for the first time. I kept doing it ... but not much longer. Same wonderful messy end as the dream I'd had a few years before (and a couple more times since). And then I understood what was going on.

Needless to say, this became a habit for me for the next 40+ years. A LOT. As I got older I collected a few magazines along the way. Even saw a few porn films in college. I could do it with or without the magazines... but we're talking probably a few times a week ... for years. And when I did get into relationships, none of this affected my performance at all. I had some pretty good stamina, and it was ... um ... appreciated out loud, shall we say, by the few partners I had before getting married. I was convinced it *helped*. I'm actually not sure even today that it didn't back then.

My wife and I had LOTS of sex for several years. She actually wore ME out (again??? really???) Looking back on those days ... that was awesome. Eventually her appetite waned. She is significantly older than I am. And though I had never stopped masturbating, it picked up more as and more a side activity. Still, I was having zero issues until about 20 years of marriage.

I work with computers as a career and I use them for two of my hobbies (for editing, and no, I'm not a porn video editor :) ). The temptation of internet ... video ... porn crept in more and more. It was just too easy. Get bored, go get a little cheap thrill entertainment. Looking back, I had probably watched quite a bit of it for years before the next significant event.

There was a disaster that befell us about 10 years ago. A traumatic event (nothing to do with our relationship, I just don't want to give away too many identifiable details here) and right about that time, I found I could get aroused when we got intimate, but couldn't keep it up for long. Not even long enough to orgasm.

It came on rather quickly. Like within the span of a couple of months. And I've never been able to keep it up since without help. I assumed it had something to do with the traumatic event and that it must be stress-related (don't worry, nobody died or even got injured ... everything on that front was cleared up in under 6 months).

So we stopped. She'd hit menopause, so it may even have been a little bit of a relief to her, but she also thought it was because I didn't find her attractive anymore. Not a good thing. She hadn't been nearly as "into" it as she had the first several years.

We'd try occasionally. Every few months, then longer, then a year.

She suggested I try TRT. Mine was found to be low, on the order of a 70 year old man. I wasn't close to that. So I went on TRT. Made me feel great, but did not fix the problem. I had ED. I accepted it. I tried Viagra. Didn't seem to help. I did what I've heard a coach or two talk about when I finally found this community ... I kept doing it just to make sure it still functioned properly. Invariably using internet porn. And video -- I think it's the worst. It's what eventually did me in.

Here's the thing... it DID still function properly with the porn for another good 7 or 8 years ... and then ... slowly ... even porn couldn't keep it up.

Tried Trimix along the way. Which works as long as you can get aroused ... which is no longer a guarantee. Then when it works it often works too well and you have to work at getting rid of it which involves 30 minutes of vigorous exercise (and no, sex doesn't cut it).

The last 6 years I worked on a project for one of my hobbies. But it was easy to get sidetracked and start looking at porn instead... first for just a bit, but as time went on for hours ... and hours ... and many times a week. Often almost every night. I wasn't getting my project done. It probably put me 2 years behind, truth be told.

As my addiction grew and I got into more and more "out there" porn, and in the last year or so onto the quick cut compilations almost exclusively ... I first couldn't even keep it up for porn. And then porn no longer even worked to get it up. End stage.

It was 10 years ago I told my doctor about it (to get the Viagra). My doctor said my symptoms suggested it was a psychosomatic case (but offered no guidance on that - no referral, nothing). I didn't know what to make of that or what to do about it (I wish I had realized what was truly the cause 10 years ago -- I'd be in a better place now). But here it is 10 years later and I'm completely broken. On the upside, I'm very motivated. If you can describe being completely broken as having an "upside".

I can't remember how long it’s been since I turned off the porn, but I did it cold turkey ... I want to say 2.5 months ago, but it may only be 1.5 (was it June 1 or July 1? I thought June 1 but I'm not exactly sure anymore). I have ... relieved myself ... without porn a few times during this period, but from what I'm understanding this needs to stop, too, at least for a good long while. Shouldn't be a big deal, I really don't get that much out of it anymore and frankly it's difficult to do. Which is depressing, but it is what it is.

I had read about PIED a few years ago, and thought "maybe"? Tried going a month without it. Nothing changed (well I HAD to test it, right? And I had no clue how long it might take), so I went back to it. I also read that it really isn't a "thing". But the more I've read and the couple of vlogs about it I watched on the topic ... yeah, I think it's definitely a thing and it's a thing I suffer from. It's what caused the problem.

I'm afraid I'm in for a long haul before I get better. I've removed any porn I had from my computers. The voice said oh, you could take one little look at one, and I told it it needed to go to hell. I definitely felt the awakening of whatever hope my lizard brain had when I went to select the folder it was in ... that was enough to convince me the dopamine theory is right.

Anyway, so far, so good. I understand the problem, and I really have a visceral hate for what it's done to me. That should help. We'll see how this goes.
 
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guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Nice to meet you. Your story sounds very similar to many on this forum. I suffer similarly to you. I'm now 124 days PMO free, but I too have masturbated a few times during this stretch. However, I'm now working on going completely hard mode for at least 90 days. I think my mind and body really need more time to heal. I've been addicted for close to 40 years. You just can't erase that over night.

Thanks for sharing. This forum is a great place where you can share your issues, get feedback and support. It has helped me tremendously. I haven't gone this long without PMO since I was probably in my early teens.

Good luck and stay strong. Sounds like you are in the correct mindset to be successful.
 
So I went back and checked my internet history to check to make sure when it was my journey actually started. No I did not select any urls. I only checked the date. May 25th. I can believe that I may have used downloaded content in a few days following that, and I know I started at the first of a month. This pretty much confirms that it was actually June as I suspected.

So that makes 78 days with no porn. It's still not difficult to say no. I mean it's something I have to do, it's not like the temptation's not there ... But I am motivated enough and disgusted enough to tell that little lizard no.

I don't generally have an addictive personality. So that probably helps. I guess I can thank my dad for teaching me discipline. I've got it in spades. It's just a matter of using it here now that I know what the issue is.

So in the last several weeks I have noticed that I get nocturnal erections for no apparent reason pretty much every night now. That's new. I would get them off and on during my period of heavy use, but definitely more off than on. They either last quite a while, or come and go frequently during the night and are often there when I wake up which I tend to do fairly frequently during the night.

I hear this is a good preliminary sign that reboot is underway. But I am under no illusions. It took me a long time to get in to this condition, and it will probably take me a long time to get out of it. I was hoping 6 months, but I've heard 2 years as well. I hear a lot of people saying 6 months to a year. I am afraid that since mine went all the way to what I would call end stage, where not even extreme porn could get me more than maybe a third erect, that I'm in it for a longer haul than most people before I start functioning normally. I mean I guess there's always hope it could happen faster, but I need to be realistic.

Thank God for my family. Thank God for my hobbies.

I haven't told anybody about this. Not even my wife. She thinks it's just ED, and like I said before she's past menopause and her libido is low, and she thinks it's some sort of physiological ED, and I frankly think it takes pressure off of her not to worry about not having sex. We've been married almost 30 years, and it is a good relationship.

There is one person I would feel comfortable telling. But that would have to be in person, I wouldn't even want to talk about this on the phone. Best buds since college. We're practically brothers. And he has his issues with a different serious addiction. I know he would get it. I will probably tell him next time I see him in person.
 

DavS

Active Member
Chances are your wife very much wants to have sex with you. Older women still want sex. I’m just trying to help you be honest with yourself.
 
Day 93 of no PMO. My official start was June 1. So three full months.

I didn't go hard mode until probably the middle of July. I thought just staying away from porn would be enough, but the more I read, the more I thought no, maybe this won't work if I don't lay off that too. I hadn't done it much... as I've said before I wasn't getting much out of it anymore anyway. So stopping that altogether hasn't been too difficult. Not without temptation, old habits die hard, and those dopamine receptors want me to throw them a bone every now and then and I have to suppress it. But I've been able to do it.


I've had more temptation lately to just break down and just MO, but I've also said before the longer the streak goes the more I want to keep it going.

Interesting thing today ... I work from home. Wife went to take a shower, I went down to exercise but I forgot my fitbit, so I went up to the bedroom to get it. I heard her in the shower. Making some noises. Talking a bit, in hushed-ish tones, but with some grunts, a few "oh!"s, ... and a "come on, POUND it out of me!" Then it stopped and she put the massaging showerhead back up in it's socket and changed the setting.

Not that it bothered me at all, all along I've kind of wished she DID enjoy herself off and on, but I have NEVER in our 33 years together (married almost 30) have I ever "caught" her at it. I didn't let her know. Still too unsure of myself to try anything.

I went down to exercise and found that it had actually aroused me some. That's a good sign.

But this is going to take longer, I know it. Keep at it.

She doesn't know about my PIED. She knows about the ED, but not the PI part. She's been awfully good about the ED. Frankly I thought she was relieved that she didn't have to have sex anymore. (When we were first married seriously it was just about every night, say 5 times a week for at least a year, and it tapered off slowly). We probably haven't had sex at all in the last 3 years. Last time I tried it was on Trimix, my first try ... 8 hour woody that had me kind of freaked out.

I've experimented with the stuff more and I know more about it, but it's touchy. I know more now about how to get rid of it when I don't want it anymore, but it means about 30 minutes of cardio. But that seems to take care of the issue.

Not gonna lie, it HURTS to be that hard for that long. And so she said "well I don't want you to have to go through that again".

Thing is, I'd be happy to, occasionally -- especially since I now have an idea how to turn that stuff off.

But the issue is, it doesn't work if you don't get aroused at all. And in the last 3 years, I've gone from being able to be aroused for a few minutes and then it quickly goes flat to ... I couldn't even get it hard for very intense porn anymore.

The inkling I got after hearing her in the shower is a good sign that it MIGHT have worked with Trimix. But I have a goal of like, December and see how things go with her then. Hopefully I won't need help.

Still getting the nightly wood that lasts a while, several times a night but that has tapered off the last week ... might be a cyclical thing, I don't know.

Like I said we know all of the parts work, physiologically, it gets plenty hard at night in my sleep. It wouldn't last 2 minutes if we started having sex. Actually that's pretty optimistic. It'd go flat like a dead balloon.

Until I think I can get fully aroused by her, we're just going to keep going. Keep going. Another day. Another day.
 
I'm going to go ahead and post this to my journal, too. I had posted it in a comment.

Hmmm ... maybe part of my problem I have been focusing on detox, but not the re-wiring. I know all about the detox - the unplugging from -- my habit and why. But I haven't been focusing on the nurturing of the other stuff. And here's a question. Does ALL dopamine no matter what the stimulation (say, scrolling through facebook OR youtube OR porn) have the same effect on the receptors? Somehow I got the idea that there were "porn" dopamine receptors and other dopamine receptors. But now I'm wondering ... do I need to really reset all dopamine sources? Maybe.

Just watched this ... I need to focus on the content from 16:00 on ... the rewiring (up to 16:00 it's about detox)

 
And as a follow up to that one ... I saw this out on one of my searches and realized it was from a website I really like ... a lot. I've gone to this site for years and had never seen this article. I recommend The Art of Manliness for all sorts of good content and advice for men (and women, too, most of the stuff out there just applies to being a well rounded human being, just specifically targeted to men). Apparently they've run across "Your Brain On Porn" and they've covered stuff on this.

This one goes over a lot of the stuff you've heard and seen in other videos on addiction and dopamine's role in it ... this one goes more into the other balancing hormones/neurotransmitters that regulate our emotional state and our drives and the things that put them into action. In this one, I think I got the answer to my question about it being ALL dopamine receptors that we need to reset. The answer appears to be "no". It's not the dopamine per-se, but the neuro-paths that get re-enforced by repeated behavior that gets us the dopamine "reward" ... eventually turning off the dopamine for that particular path, resulting in no joy-joy when we try to get a hit from that particular thing again. So when they say "re-wire", it's almost literal. You want old re-enforced neuro paths to atrophy. So dopamine surges you get from other sources shouldn't affect these neuropaths as long as we avoid the behavior that brought them into being and strengthened them. You build new happiness paths by engaging in behavior that produces it through the longer-term chemicals. The here and now stuff, not, "hey, is there a hotter video on the next page?"

I know, I'm probably geeking out on this stuff a bit, but I find it fascinating and I really think it helps to realize what is going on inside our bodies, our brains. Check out the article and the podcast here:

 
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Day 107. Shit. That was close!

I am kind of an avid amateur photographer. I'm on several photography groups. There is this one model that one of the photographers uses that has the prettiest freckled face ... and it's massively freckled but every photo of her makes me smile. Honest, it's her face, I'm not kidding.

So I did a little search to see what more I could learn about her ... and in the search results a photo of a familiar porn star ... once one of my favorites -- came up. Just her face, too, the search result was not in the context of porn.

I cannot remember her name. But it was bugging me. For days. I kind of knew better, but I decided I can just do a search and see if I can find her name associated with her photo.

BIG mistake. The image results that came back were, although stills, very provocative and I felt an immediate adrenaline rush in my chest. I aborted right then and there. It was frightening how powerful it was. I'll bet it was on my screen for 8 seconds. 8 seconds too many. Also, none of the ones I saw before I aborted were her, either.

DO NOT DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!! (or anything like it). Lesson learned.

It will NOT be ok. I do not need to know her name. Just say HELL NO!!!!!
 
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JerryTX

Active Member
This "edging" is common and I believe most on here have experienced it. We tell ourselves it's just a simple "search" but in the back of our mind the "PMO Demon" is lurking and says just one more click! As you will see in my not so perfect journey this led to a lapse at about 112 days in which I clicked and the video ran for about 20 seconds and I stopped! But I reset do to PMO of the images that were burned into my brain in those 20 seconds. Good news is the strength I built to STOP! Normally that would have led to a 2 hour session! Hang in there and nice work on 107 days!
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Day 107. Shit. That was close!

I am kind of an avid amateur photographer. I'm on several photography groups. There is this one model that one of the photographers uses that has the prettiest freckled face ... and it's massively freckled but every photo of her makes me smile. Honest, it's her face, I'm not kidding.

So I did a little search to see what more I could learn about her ... and in the search results a photo of a familiar porn star ... once one of my favorites -- came up. Just her face, too, the search result was not in the context of porn.

I cannot remember her name. But it was bugging me. For days. I kind of knew better, but I decided I can just do a search and see if I can find her name associated with her photo.

BIG mistake. The image results that came back were, although stills, very provocative and I felt an immediate adrenaline rush in my chest. I aborted right then and there. It was frightening how powerful it was. I'll bet it was on my screen for 8 seconds. 8 seconds too many. Also, none of the ones I saw before I aborted were her, either.

DO NOT DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!! (or anything like it). Lesson learned.

It will NOT be ok. I do not need to know her name. Just say HELL NO!!!!!
Good for you. I've done some similar things, more with celebrities, not porn stars. I have to bail pretty quickly too especially if any partially nude images come up. Nice to know we can click away, isn't it?
 
Good for you. I've done some similar things, more with celebrities, not porn stars. I have to bail pretty quickly too especially if any partially nude images come up. Nice to know we can click away, isn't it?
As long as we do it and do it quickly. And be realistic about the search results we may expect next time we search for something. Also, remember internet rule #34. I'm probably going to have turn safe search back on. For my own good.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
As long as we do it and do it quickly. And be realistic about the search results we may expect next time we search for something. Also, remember internet rule #34. I'm probably going to have turn safe search back on. For my own good.
Oh yes, don't linger! I think the longer we look the stronger the desire becomes. Best not to do it at all.
 
Day 109 ... doing good. Getting passing urges, perhaps more frequently, but tamping them down. "Down there" .... flatlined except for nighttime wood. Never daytime.

Hey, for those of you who are really struggling with somewhere to focus your idle-time attention ... this is a really good website. Especially guys ... of course, it's geared to guys ... but hey, there's a lot of stuff there that's applicable to everyone.

If you're wondering what to do ... check it out. And while you're checking it out, remember you're not there to open another tab to go to your formerly favorite porn site.

We're self-improving here. And avoiding what got us here.

 

guiganvoger

Active Member
Thanks, Ive, for your posts. I appreciate that you like to nerd out on the affects of porn use and the dopamine slide of addiction. Lately, I have been reading a lot more posts from those who have had successful journeys so far. This is inspiration to attain the goals I want out of my recovery. You sound like you are on your way to becoming Ive Swornoff the White. Pardon the stupid LOTR banter, couldn't resist!
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Great job. 109 days is fantastic. Are you starting to feel like you don't need porn anymore? That was about when things really opened up for me. I'm going to check out the website you posted.

Stay strong and keep killing it every day!
 
I am still here. Still no P. The occasional MO. My behavior is nothing like it was pre-June 1. I haven't posted or even come here in a while because yes, it has gotten easier and easier to say "no" to the urge to go look at P. I haven't needed the support. Maybe I feel guilty that I haven't come here to lend any. It just hasn't been on my mind lately.

It's been 144 days. Still nothing going on. Floppy as hell except for night wood, which comes and goes. I was looking at 180 days before trying to re-wire. Frankly I'm not sure how I will do that without an active partner. Even without her being active, I'd just like to be ABLE to function normally.

I hear it takes some people years. I had gotten pretty deep into the high intensity stuff for too long. I realize the amount of potential damage it did to me. In it for the long haul, though. That was no way to live.
 
Day 163 with no porn. The PIED is still strong. In recent weeks I have had 2 occasions where it barely started to stir due to either a tame visual stimulus ... and once it was I think just a warm electric blanket. Very subtle encouraging signs. But I am afraid I have a long, long way to go yet.
 
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