Porn is not an option

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 150

I've finally made it 5 months porn free! It's been a good while since I've got this far, and I'm very happy about that. The lady and I had great sex last night, and my man worked extremely well. I forgot (oh may I never forget again!) how good an O feels when your dick is actually rock hard! It's a totally different experience.

Last night I also meditated and focused my mind on where I want to go with all of this in the coming months. Six months is the new goal. I haven't got past six months since June or July of 2020 (I believe I was two weeks short). So that will be an even bigger milestone for me. Once I get there, then its 365 days clean, and then, getting past my longest streak ever, 540 something days (I was again almost two weeks short!). I've been focusing a lot on "days" and maybe I'll stop with that after 180, or maybe I won't who knows. Either way, even though I like counting days, my mindset is not, I must stay away from porn, or, that number defines me, but rather, I'm continuing to fix my life, and be the man I want to be. May this journey never end!

Here's an article that has had a great influence on my method of sorts. Check it out, if you wish. But whatever method or philosophy you choose, may we all say it together, Fuck porn!

Here is the article Porn is not an option.

Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. This place has been a great source of comradery.
 
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Deleted member 27008

Guest
Freedom is not being able to do whatever you want. If you do whatever you want, you will not be free. You become a slave to your desires and pleasures. In this sense, doing whatever you want is actually a slavery. True freedom is to be independent, even from yourself. To be independent of your desires, your pleasures. That is true freedom. Freedom demands limits and rules. Congratulations on protecting yourself from yourself and liberating yourself. I hope you are free and happy forever.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Thank you Resurrection. Your words almost brought tears to my eyes. So very true. In an age where all we hear about is freedom this, freedom that, the concept of true Freedom is hardly discussed. May we all experience true freedom indeed.

"I count him braver who overcomes his desires than him who conquers his enemies; for the hardest victory is the victory over self"- Aristotle
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 151

Today has been okay, just a little blah feeling. Life feels kind of boring right now, kind of dull. Even yesterday, although I was happy about 150 days clean, I didn't really "feel" super happy. I think my brain wants a hit of you know what, but, that's not even an option.

Here's to better days ahead, when my brain feels a true high, and not an artificial one.
 
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Blondie

Respected Member
Day 152

Staying away from alcohol these last few weeks has really made me notice how often I like to spike my "fun time" with artificial highs. I don't have a problem per se with drinking (it's never been my thing), but it is interesting to take note of. Last night the lady and I had a date night, and I actually did feel somewhat excited throughout, nothing over the top, but it was pleasant to experience. It's amazing how quickly I form a habit in my mind, that I need a certain x or y to have a good time.
 
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Deleted member 22651

Guest
I feel like most people cant live without a vice of some sort, whether its porn, drugs or alcohol. I recently started smoking weed again and noticed myself become the regular stoner I was a year ago. Do you think this is you trying to replace one habit for another?
 

Blondie

Respected Member
I feel like most people cant live without a vice of some sort, whether its porn, drugs or alcohol. I recently started smoking weed again and noticed myself become the regular stoner I was a year ago. Do you think this is you trying to replace one habit for another?
This is true, or so it seems to me.

Do you think this is you trying to replace one habit for another? I definitely think so in some ways yes. I don't think drinking has ever been my "thing" per se, but it is something that has happened more since I've been trying to quit porn. So I've been really working hard these last few weeks, whenever I feel stressed etc., to substitute meditation instead of drinking (obviously no porn). So far it's worked well. Though it takes a while to get used to, because it doesn't blow your mind like porn, or make you forget everything like alcohol. Of course I mean that in the best way possible, just something to get used to.

All of this to say, over the last few weeks I've been really thinking a lot, almost Stoic like, just wondering why do I even do any of this? What does it even do for me? What's the meaning of it all? Things to think about..
 

Jswizzle

Active Member
This is true, or so it seems to me.

Do you think this is you trying to replace one habit for another? I definitely think so in some ways yes. I don't think drinking has ever been my "thing" per se, but it is something that has happened more since I've been trying to quit porn. So I've been really working hard these last few weeks, whenever I feel stressed etc., to substitute meditation instead of drinking (obviously no porn). So far it's worked well. Though it takes a while to get used to, because it doesn't blow your mind like porn, or make you forget everything like alcohol. Of course I mean that in the best way possible, just something to get used to.

All of this to say, over the last few weeks I've been really thinking a lot, almost Stoic like, just wondering why do I even do any of this? What does it even do for me? What's the meaning of it all? Things to think about..
First, I want to say congratulations on your period of being porn free. Second, in regard to replacing one habit for another... I can honestly attest that my mind regardless of the substance craves dopamine in some form and I develop cross addictions if I'm not careful.

I want to thank you for your support Blondie and I'm very proud of you.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 154

I'm feeling little anxious today, I got a lot on my plate this week with school and things, and I'm kind of in my head about it all. Plus all the shit going on in the world, it can be overwhelming stopping to think about it. I haven't read a single news article about the situation, but I know enough from hearsay, that I don't need to. I told my girlfriend last night that unless there's a bomb coming our way or an army, I don't really want to hear much about it. As far as I see it, if I can't do anything about it (which I can't) what's the point of wasting my time and energy on something that will only make me feel down and angry? It's not a denial of reality, in fact, it's the complete opposite. The reality is none of us have any control over these matters, and I think the anxiety often comes about because we think we should have some control. But the fact is, we don't.

The over connectedness of the modern world seems to have some benefits but also many downsides. It's got all of us concerned about things and problems that are well beyond our zip codes, well beyond our thresholds. As for today, for myself, I will only focus on what I have control over, and leave the rest to fate.

- I can control my thoughts
- I can control what I look at
- I can love my girl
- I can workout
- I can choose to be positive
- I can protect the innocent in my own zip code

The rest, let the fates decide.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Day 155

Fear is a bitch. Sometimes over the last few weeks, I'll be going on with my day, and out of nowhere, I'll get this panic of fear come over me that I will relapse and mess up all my progress. It can be many things that set it off, maybe a cute girl walks by, and I happened to notice her, and just like that, my brain tells me I'm going to fuck up, even though I wasn't even tempted, but just saw beauty and acknowledge it, etc. Then I have to talk to myself like a parent, going through this process:

1. Were you really tempted to look at porn? Me: No, I just recognized beauty, and acknowledged it. Porn is not an option. It leaves me, my sex life, and everything else of worth in ruins.
2. Do you really think it's wrong to notice beauty? Me: I do not. It's normal.
3. Then you're okay. Me: I guess I am.

Then I go along with my day, but it takes me a few minutes to get through this whole process. Of course, it doesn't always happen with a cute girl walking in front of me, more often than not it's just a sudden fear coming out of nowhere that hits me like a ton of bricks. Either way, I have to talk myself out of it, and rationalize with myself, and then move on with my day. It's almost like my brain is trying to fuck me up, by making me think I was actually tempted, when in fact, I wasn't.

Do any of you get this sudden dread come over you once in a while? It doesn't happen often, but it's mind-blowing when it does. I guess 155 days in the grand scheme of things is still not that far out from ground zero. And as I've said over and over again, you can't get rid of this crap, by giving it only 70%, it just not possible. 100% commitment is the only way forward, and if that means my brain will fuck with me from time to time, then so be it.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
In a way I suppose I get this fear, not as a sudden dread, but more like- I know who I am, and I am my own worst enemy.

Most times I simply relax into the process and don't think about it, but then I'll notice maybe certain habits, reactions or thought processes that may be remnants of how I used to think, and I'll get concerned that I'll find a way to screw things up for myself-

But I also recognize that there's years of wounding and misguided attempts at medicating that, and that this thing is a mother to overcome, and so I, in a counter-intuitive way, give myself space for lapsing- that if I did, it's not the end of the world, but an opportunity to refocus and recalibrate my method- if that's needed.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
In a way I suppose I get this fear, not as a sudden dread, but more like- I know who I am, and I am my own worst enemy.

Most times I simply relax into the process and don't think about it, but then I'll notice maybe certain habits, reactions or thought processes that may be remnants of how I used to think, and I'll get concerned that I'll find a way to screw things up for myself-

But I also recognize that there's years of wounding and misguided attempts at medicating that, and that this thing is a mother to overcome, and so I, in a counter-intuitive way, give myself space for lapsing- that if I did, it's not the end of the world, but an opportunity to refocus and recalibrate my method- if that's needed.
Thank you Phineas, things to think about.
 
D

Deleted member 27008

Guest
I think the main reason for fears may be as follows. Relapse and disappointment many times before creates a trauma. Fear of losing occurs again. We know well the bad effects we experienced after relapse and during pmo. We are afraid to go back there, to experience them again. I think 155 days It's a great series. And I think you're pretty far from the ground up. Don't be unfair to yourself.
Appreciate your process. It gives you confidence and it can help your fears too. Of course, it shouldn't create any slack. I think the main fear is the worry of not falling into that shithole again. Think of a baby touching the fire. Then he might cry even if he sees the fire from afar. In a way, it's beautiful. This fear is killing us. If it will keep it away, I'm willing to have it for life 😀
 

Blondie

Respected Member
I think the main reason for fears may be as follows. Relapse and disappointment many times before creates a trauma. Fear of losing occurs again. We know well the bad effects we experienced after relapse and during pmo. We are afraid to go back there, to experience them again. I think 155 days It's a great series. And I think you're pretty far from the ground up. Don't be unfair to yourself.
Appreciate your process. It gives you confidence and it can help your fears too. Of course, it shouldn't create any slack. I think the main fear is the worry of not falling into that shithole again. Think of a baby touching the fire. Then he might cry even if he sees the fire from afar. In a way, it's beautiful. This fear is killing us. If it will keep it away, I'm willing to have it for life 😀
Thank you Resurrection, that's a good analogy. I definitely do think it's the fear of experiencing the trauma again. I fucking hate that feeling! And yes again, this fear always makes my resolve even that much stronger, which is a very beautiful thing! :)
 
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