The Porn Takeoff

Takeoff

Member
I wish it was softcore. and about the social media thing - yeah, I deactivated Facebook and uninstalled Snapchat like 2 weeks ago already I think.
I've been gone from twitter for months until recently, and on Instagram I only have my real life friends and only sometimes check their posts/stories so it's ok I'd say.
 
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Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I wish it was softcore. and about the social media thing - yeah, I deactivated Facebook and uninstalled Snapchat like 2 weeks ago already I think.
I've been gone from twitter for months until recently, and on Instagram I only have my real life friends and only sometimes check their posts/stories so it's ok I'd say
Good job, man!
 

Takeoff

Member
The addicted mind is trying to fuck with me right now suggesting I could get back to it since I've already seen some, or maybe even restart since it's only been 4 days! yeah, right - I'm sure y'all know this pattern.
I'll try to get some sleep.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
The addicted mind is trying to fuck with me right now suggesting I could get back to it since I've already seen some, or maybe even restart since it's only been 4 days! yeah, right - I'm sure y'all know this pattern.
I'll try to get some sleep.
Don't listen to the addicted brain. It likes the black or white approach because it's an easy, sure way to get to the dopamine.
 

Takeoff

Member
Don't listen to the addicted brain.
How I wish I was strong enough right now not to...


Despite it being 3 am for me, I just got up. And tomorrow I start over with the drug detox...
I will elaborate.

I couldn't fall asleep after what I described before happened. I've tried.
A few minutes ago this shit came to my head and it was so tempting I peeked at it again. It came very randomly.

So I got up, took opiates.
I know how stupid this is. Yet, that's the way I've been dealing with failures and almost everything else for the past 2 years already. 18 days is a long time sober looking at the last 6 month period when I was high I'd say 60 to 70% of the time.
It's hard to unlearn it.

How did I feel seeing pornography?
Like shit. Honestly. I stared and was wondering what the fuck am I doing and why am I at this point again.

How do I feel now?
Like a loser, like a zombie, most importantly — like an addict. Funny thing is, most people I keep in touch with would not even try to believe me if I told them I was a porn addict, they would think I was making some weird kind of a joke.
What makes me feel this way is only the porn, fuck the opiates. It's not my main problem.

And of course — there is still that part of me saying 'you've just failed your detox, you've peeked at pornography, PMO won't change much but it will make you feel good & tomorrow you start over...' and yeah.. it would make me feel good as hell... for 5 minutes, and then I would feel like a braindead failure for god knows how long. And also I would feed that demon more and be more likely to go and binge...

What am I gonna do now?:
I'm gonna try to find some domain-blocking software so I can block twitter and all the other stuff that I can get access to P through for my IP Address, if I don't find anything I'll do it through my ISP.


On my way to go through this already shitty day 5, and hopefully have a better tomorrow.
I'm thinking if I should restart the counter, there was no M or O but still... I will see in the end of this day.

Last time seeing P I didn't even feel aroused.

PS. because of all this shit it's already harder for me to form thoughts, when I write I sometimes have to think about what word to use for a few seconds etc.. While this might seem like a normal thing, it wouldn't happen in the last 60 days of my last streak. I am the one to blame and I know.

PPS. Even though what happened has happened, I haven't touched myself at all. Could've been worse...

PPPS. Compared to first days of the 121 day streak, this one's been going bad so far. But from my POV it's because I now don't have anyone close to me (talking about a woman) unlike the last time.
 
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Takeoff

Member
I've blocked almost every porn site I ever used (just in case) and Twitter on my PC through system files, it simply refuses connection with them. I will have time to rethink it 10 times before I access such content the next time.
Now I need to think of a solution for my phone and I'll be set.

Edit: Done. Porn & twitter blocked on my phone too. It would take quite some time to deactivate it.
 
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Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I've blocked almost every porn site I ever used (just in case) and Twitter on my PC through system files, it simply refuses connection with them. I will have time to rethink it 10 times before I access such content the next time.
Now I need to think of a solution for my phone and I'll be set.

Edit: Done. Porn & twitter blocked on my phone too. It would take quite some time to deactivate it.

Good job, Takeoff!

Make sure that you're not being too hard on yourself for ending your latest lengthy streak. I know the feeling, like you went tripple digit days, and then, bam! But all that progress is not lost, step back and see the bigger picture. That's what's behind my latest new ways of tracking, to keep that bigger picture in mind, even as you strive for perfectly clean days.

Ups and downs are part of the process, but keep up your awesome mindset, and you'll soon be back in double and tripple digit terrirory!
 

Takeoff

Member
I decided to restart the counter on the day I wrote my last post, as I've seen P that morning. Definitely wouldn't feel fair. no M, no O, as I've said before.
So I'm at the end of day 3 now.
Make sure that you're not being too hard on yourself for ending your latest lengthy streak.
Even before the streak ended I knew that I shouldn't be hard on myself if I relapse, but I still found it pretty hard to cope with lapsing in the first few days.
I'm better now. Thanks for the support and good luck to you man!
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I decided to restart the counter on the day I wrote my last post, as I've seen P that morning. Definitely wouldn't feel fair. no M, no O, as I've said before.
So I'm at the end of day 3 now.

Even before the streak ended I knew that I shouldn't be hard on myself if I relapse, but I still found it pretty hard to cope with lapsing in the first few days.
I'm better now. Thanks for the support and good luck to you man!
I know how it feels, man. The more I relapsed, the more exasperated I got and the more I started to hate myself. But I'm sure you will figure out again how to get the momentum back, if I could, you can too.
 

Takeoff

Member
so.. I didn't count the days but I think the streak lasted for a week.
I got triggered so hard that it's day 0 now.
It's a lot harder for me than it was before, as I only have to do it for myself right now.
I felt like shit throughout the last days (for the last 3 years every beginning of a year was so shit for me... guess this one is not an exception).
Throughout those days I also MO'd multiple times and today was the first day I slept 'well' and felt a bit better.

This time I don't feel as bad as the last time about what happened. At least for now.
I think I should keep posting here in the first days of the streak. I'll try to do so.
Let's do it!
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
You got this, Takeoff! You will find your footing soon enough.

If changing any habits that surround 'the habit' would help you, go for it!

Rooting for your success!
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Thanks, Phineas.
What I thought about is the fact I can still achieve a long long streak this year. I could even make it being 333 days sober until the next year.
That's another way to think about it.
On my way to it:]
I'm sure you will figure out how to get the momentum back. Once you do it once (or more), you can do it again.
 

Takeoff

Member
Day 4

This morning when I got up and looked at my eyes in the mirror I found that my eyes already look better, more alive. For me this is the first thing noticable as semen retention progresses. They keep getting more and more of a glassy (?) look as the streak goes on.

Every night, when I fall asleep, I think about this shit addiction, considering why I shouldn't do all this shit, thinking how good a long streak makes me feel and I feel somewhat empowered, I feel like the next moment and the next day is gonna be totally fine and I'm gonna make it with no problems.

And that next day, it's a matter of 5 seconds and I find myself looking at some picture.
I don't even necessarily mean hardcore or softcore but I think my brain finds a bikini pic almost as sexual as those.
It would be easy to resist only if I wasn't sitting in front of a PC most of the times that hits me.

Other thoughts:

One more thing I consider important to mention here, as I don't think I mentioned this in the journal at all.
I've seen many people who are recovering talk about shame, isolation, damaging their contact with friends/family that comes with porn for them. Some are also religious and consider it immoral.

I personally don't feel shame when or after I watch P. I don't become more and more socially isolated because of it and that wasn't the case even when I binged like crazy back in the days. And I also don't consider it (very) immoral.
Instead, I know how it feels to have porn in my life and how it feels when it's gone from my life for a long time. and that makes me feel like shit.
And see, although I know all this, resisting it when the urge hits is still harder than with any other drug for me.
That's probably the same thing a coke addict would experience if he had a line in front of him 24/7. IMO this is what makes porn addiction so hard to overcome, the accessibility.

Sorry for the post being so chaotic.
 
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"And if I wanted to be with some girl, I wouldn't face any problems in 90% of cases. Even during constant porn use.
Also, I could always do with just MO, so my PIED wasn't as severe as others'."

That was me, too ... but if you keep it up, it WILL eventually develop into the severe kind. Might take a decade of it, but that's where it will eventually lead.

So don't quit for the girl you're with, do it for the woman you will be spending your life with.


Oh, and for yourself, too.
 

MonadoBoy

Member
yeah, fuck me
it's the end of day 4. just 1 hour ago I was feeling really good and thought to myself that I no longer feel any misery after the relapse, that I'm doing really good now and it's gonna be easier and easier now and then...
a friend sent me some twitter post & i scrolled a bit since I was on twitter already, and ofc there had to be pornography. i quickly switched apps, but it triggered me, the rush was already in my head & I ended up scrolling a bit through some shit on twitter.

But nothing more. I had a great day and was about to go to sleep, until this happened.
I just had to get on my PC to write this to you guys.
At least the idea of PMO only came to my mind and stayed for like 3 seconds until I realized wtf I was doing.
Makes me feel like I deserve to be punished

twitter is the no1 social media to be avoided during the reboot for me
Hope your doing well m8 and I really admire your journey. Keep at it. All that progress you made in those 121 days was not just lost as soon at you watched it again. Your doing much better than I am and I’m happy for you. Thanks for this
 

Takeoff

Member
Thanks for your kind words, MonadoBoy. I hope you're doing better now too!

Right now, I'm on Day 47 of no MO, however, during that time I still watched P a few times. When it comes to no P, the long streaks since the 1st of February were: 14, 9, 8, 6, 5. Never had to reset the counter more than 2 days in a row.
I feel major improvement, feel better than I did on that day during my 121 day streak.
However, the fact I'd watched P several times makes me feel uncertain about the improvement of my ED. P definitely makes me feel uneasy, uncertain and a bit anxious. During watching P I felt bad, sometimes way less aroused than I was seconds before, and I felt disgusted.
Hopefully it's gonna start going better after some time, but I'm happy even with the semen retention alone, I feel much better than when I did MO.

I hope everyone's doing alright!
 

Takeoff

Member
Hello guys, I'm back as I'm in serious trouble once again.

So, most of the last year was easily the healthiest time of my life. I recovered fully, I had no symptoms anymore, among some long streaks one lasted I think above 150 days (easily 130+, don't remember exactly) and I really felt healthy probably for the first time ever, my depression faded and only showed from time to time a little bit (still, unimaginably better than ever before or after). Very little anxiety. I was productive, relationships with others were at their finest. PIED was gone, I had great sex. Everything was so great.

And then came a very emotional situation, I broke down completely and thought I don't care about anything anymore and decided to have that 'one little peek' to ease the pain. Of course, that was the first step on the slippery slope.
The rush and the feelings it gave me were amazing, very euphoric, no side effects for a while, I thought I'd be good, or maybe it just didn't matter anymore. At first I was watching 'normal' material, vanilla mostly. But I was feeling worse and worse, just kept going down and down, and with that also increased the pornography use. Of course, I expected all that in the back of my head, but just didn't seem to care. That started happening with the coming of Autumn. I used it rather spontaneously, like once a week or so. Of course it escalated to daily use. I was struggling and could never pass the 14/15th day mark, relapse always came on that day. But I wouldn't give up, kept going. In January I made it to over 30 days somehow, it was a smooth sail. I don't even know why, as I didn't do anything differently I think. I felt nice, yet not that good to get a real momentum.

But after 30-something days, I had that 'one little peek' again, and from then on it's been worse and worse.
Fast forward to now, I'm deep in daily use, heavy material everyone would view as disgusting. Two sides battling inside of my head.
I know it's bad and I shouldn't do it, yet I do it as if automatically.
I don't feel like I control my actions anymore. I just feel dead.

I have most of addiction-related symptoms I can think of:
- pretty sure that PIED is back, at the very least general anxiety is so high that it would easily demolish any chance of an intercourse.
- brain fog
- 0 productivity
- feeling dead
- memory issues
- serious trouble coping with emotion
- serious trouble with compulsive behavior
- I know it's bad, yet I keep using, as if automatically, unwillingly
- escalation, sensitization. I might view vanilla content and not be that bothered, and in 2 minutes I find myself looking at disgusting stuff
- cognitive function decreased
- escapism
- depression (from time to time very severe)
and recently also:
- thoughts of self-harm
- suicidal thoughts

Day 0.
 
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