derp
Member
I'm 21 and I'm addicted to watching big women beat up small men.
I've been watching this sort of stuff on porn sites since I was 16 but I've had the kink my whole life. For as long as I can remember I've fantasised about getting dominated and/or protected by a dominant female, in bed each night. It's soothing. I'd have insomnia otherwise. I remember being seven or so fantasising about being about 10 centimetres tall and having the fat girl in my class shove me up her ass.
Lately I've taken to starving myself and cycling. The thought of being extremely skinny and weak is exhilarating. Although "starving and cycling" is exaggerated a little as since it's an urge-based thing I don't really commit, I probably just eat slightly less and exercise slightly more. I can't make a firm decision to commit, as if I'm horny or whatever it is that I become then it would seem like a good idea, but if I'm not then I'd be feeling sensible, and since I'm aware of these two states and always under the influence of one of them, it makes the right choice hard to see. Because I don't know how much, if any, of the masochism is a healthy part of me. I've thought before that none of it is, and that if I want to quit the addiction I should gain weight. But if that were true I'd be giving up such a large portion of myself. A change in identity (although it must be noted that no-one knows about the masochism, it's likely that they would suspect it via subtle hints in my behaviour).
I start this journal on day five. I've had many failed attempts in the past. Generally failed on day four. In fact, day four on this attempt was tough. I was at uni staring at every girl in the library. Looking at the fat ones and imagining myself tiny trying to fight them and losing. My body was flooded with dopamine, or I assume that's what was happening. Anyway, my whole body felt good fantasising and I was lucky to be in a public place.
It helped to observe my bodily reaction itself. The women aren't objectively exciting, and in fact they are not what I like. What i like is my body's reaction to them. Keeping this in mind and paying attention to the sensations that arise seems to help. Although what I think is different this time, although it's only early days, is that I have a clear and enticing vision of change that keeps me going.
I lied before about being on day five. I'm on day four at 11pm. I drank some beers and then decided to write a post here as I've been putting it off for a long time. My plan was to write the post and then quit porn (although it's never actual porn, mainly mixed wrestling-type videos. For five years I've wanked to them most days, although in the last couple months I've upped it to twice daily). I haven't tried to quit for a while, and I thought that I needed to try something new, and that posting here would keep me accountable, and I can journal a bit and that might help too. But a few days ago I got sick of waiting and felt good and motivated to quit but still couldn't be bothered writing a post so I just turned on the blockers on my phone and thought I'd give it a crack.
The plan is 90 days of nothing and then after that I get a weekly wank.
Here is a small portion of what I have to say on the matter. I wrote a whole heap on here once and clicked save draft but it didn't save the draft. I'll be adding more I reckon since I've got the ball rolling now, don't you worry. I intend to fill in the gaps as I understand there's a bit there that might need some explaining.
I'll be sleeping now (the urges are worse when I'm tired) so I have to wrap this up.
More to come.
Goodnight.
I've been watching this sort of stuff on porn sites since I was 16 but I've had the kink my whole life. For as long as I can remember I've fantasised about getting dominated and/or protected by a dominant female, in bed each night. It's soothing. I'd have insomnia otherwise. I remember being seven or so fantasising about being about 10 centimetres tall and having the fat girl in my class shove me up her ass.
Lately I've taken to starving myself and cycling. The thought of being extremely skinny and weak is exhilarating. Although "starving and cycling" is exaggerated a little as since it's an urge-based thing I don't really commit, I probably just eat slightly less and exercise slightly more. I can't make a firm decision to commit, as if I'm horny or whatever it is that I become then it would seem like a good idea, but if I'm not then I'd be feeling sensible, and since I'm aware of these two states and always under the influence of one of them, it makes the right choice hard to see. Because I don't know how much, if any, of the masochism is a healthy part of me. I've thought before that none of it is, and that if I want to quit the addiction I should gain weight. But if that were true I'd be giving up such a large portion of myself. A change in identity (although it must be noted that no-one knows about the masochism, it's likely that they would suspect it via subtle hints in my behaviour).
I start this journal on day five. I've had many failed attempts in the past. Generally failed on day four. In fact, day four on this attempt was tough. I was at uni staring at every girl in the library. Looking at the fat ones and imagining myself tiny trying to fight them and losing. My body was flooded with dopamine, or I assume that's what was happening. Anyway, my whole body felt good fantasising and I was lucky to be in a public place.
It helped to observe my bodily reaction itself. The women aren't objectively exciting, and in fact they are not what I like. What i like is my body's reaction to them. Keeping this in mind and paying attention to the sensations that arise seems to help. Although what I think is different this time, although it's only early days, is that I have a clear and enticing vision of change that keeps me going.
I lied before about being on day five. I'm on day four at 11pm. I drank some beers and then decided to write a post here as I've been putting it off for a long time. My plan was to write the post and then quit porn (although it's never actual porn, mainly mixed wrestling-type videos. For five years I've wanked to them most days, although in the last couple months I've upped it to twice daily). I haven't tried to quit for a while, and I thought that I needed to try something new, and that posting here would keep me accountable, and I can journal a bit and that might help too. But a few days ago I got sick of waiting and felt good and motivated to quit but still couldn't be bothered writing a post so I just turned on the blockers on my phone and thought I'd give it a crack.
The plan is 90 days of nothing and then after that I get a weekly wank.
Here is a small portion of what I have to say on the matter. I wrote a whole heap on here once and clicked save draft but it didn't save the draft. I'll be adding more I reckon since I've got the ball rolling now, don't you worry. I intend to fill in the gaps as I understand there's a bit there that might need some explaining.
I'll be sleeping now (the urges are worse when I'm tired) so I have to wrap this up.
More to come.
Goodnight.